The Book of Ise Nanao
by unevilgirl
Summary: Ise Nanao received a diary during her time at the academy one day. Ever since then, she has shared her experiences within its pages.
1. a book of her own

A/N: The life of Ise Nanao may not be as long as others, but she has a story of her own that she shares with the pages of her diary.

Today my kido instructor pulled me over after class today. I wasn't sure what to expect, I thought Sensei might have been upset with how I was doing or wanted to tell me I was too young to be there like everyone else had told me. But he said that he was impressed with my progress so far and that he could see the potential I have for kido.

I honestly think that was the first nice thing someone said about my skill here. I hear everyone saying "oh look at the cute little girl over there" "she's trying to be all grown up." I feel they underestimate me. I hear the voice and the growing power inside me. Well after he told me that, he asked me if I like reading.

I love reading, there is so much to learn from books. I nodded vigorously and he laughed a little. He said he sees me in the library almost every day.

And he pulled a small diary out from his robes and handed it to me. Sensei thought if I like reading, that I might like writing too. He told me that I could write whatever my heart desired in a diary and that I didn't have to share it with anyone. I thanked him lots and he patted my head telling me to go off to lunch.

I was so excited. A book of my own that I knew all the words to and no one else.


	2. kido classes

I absolutely love kido! My fingers tingle every time I use it. In class I was the first one to destroy the targets. I got it on my first try! Maybe Sensei was right. Maybe I have lots of potential for kido.

There is so much to learn about kido, so many spells, different techniques, the development of each. Kendo is too... straightforward. You swing the sword. Step here, dodge there, parry, stab. Yes there is channeling of reiatsu into your blade and cooperating with it but it's not as nearly complex as kido. The giant black circle for each incantation, the light, sounds and vabrating sensations. I like how even if I have no blade, my hands are here. My kido can protect me.

Plus there are so many books in the library devoted to kido. I just found one today that described how to do the spells without the lengthy incantations. I've already read part of it. Once I finish reading it, I'll start practicing. One day, I'll be able to do incantationless kido. Maybe I can even forgo the spell type and number.

Maybe I'll go to the Kido Corp after I finish here at the Academy. They are experts at kido. I want to be an expert too. But I'm fairly sure the voice inside would be dissapointed at that. And I want to be good at more than just kido. I haven't learned his name yet. He's a very nice man.


	3. bullied

Some of the other younger students got bullied again today. Asking where their mommy and daddy are. I think the older students are jealous that they are just as capable at a younger age. I get picked on too so I didn't like see those others getting treated that way.

I stepped and told them to stop. And when they didn't, I bound them using one of the new kido spells I learned. I made sure the other kids were ok and told the big kids, please leave them be. It's hard enough being a student at the Academy, it's even harder to do so at a young age.

We hear the constant calling from within too. It's scary as is, we don't need bigger kids making it worse. We'll get older and stronger and be just like them, so it's foolish to pick on us because of our age. I made it clear that they have bigger problems than us if they continue this behavior. I won't let them dismiss us.


	4. a voice from within

I saw him again today. I've kept hearing him for what seems like ages, but I still haven't heard his name. It was so close but it wasn't clear enough to understand. He took me deep into my soul this time. It's like a library, but its outside and the shelves are built into the side of a hill. The shelves are almost empty except for some books that I've read before. A wide river runs close to the hill, it looks like it might be fun to play in sometime. Every time I come here, jumps down from his perch on top of one of the shelves to greet me.

He doesn't really walk towards me, but rather glide. He seems so full of life but none of his movements are wasted. He's a fairly tall man, with short wavy hair and kind yet determined eyes. His voice rumbles, not like thunder, but reminds me more of the earth. It's deep, rich and rolling, like those hills I can see if I go reading on top of the library. I love how he says my name, it makes me feel at home.

He promised me that if I trust him, that he will be there to protect me. I hope someday I can.


	5. a name to the voice

A/N: So this was tough, I had to come up with a name for Nanao's Zanpakuto. I mean, it's name is a very important part of who a person is and will guide later events. Thanks for the reviews so far!

* * *

Saimitsu means detailed knowledge. *

Saimitsu is his name. It seemed like a dream, but I would swear on all the books I've read that this happened. And judging by the wakizashi** I now have, it did happen. The handle is an indigo violet color... just like my eyes. And when I hold him, I feel his power adding to my own. It's similar to two people singing two different parts together and making a bigger and better song. So my initial skills and Saimitsu's work together to make a new type of kido. One that only I have.

Right now I can wield Saimitsu almost like a normal katana, but I wonder what will happen when I get bigger… Will Saimitsu grow bigger too? Or will he stay the same? I've read that as a shinigami grows in power that their zanpakuto may grow in size unless they suppress their reiatsu. Like captains of the Gotei 13, they have normal sized katanas, but it seems like their unsuppressed presence can be overwhelming with effects such as suffocation, paralysis, extreme shock or fainting. Or at least so the books I've read said. I want to be strong like a captain someday. I want _us _to be strong. Yet it still feels weird writing his name. And yet, I feel so much more whole now that I know the name of the one that calls mine.

Saimitsu, let's grow strong together.

* * *

*I found this on freedict dot com when I searched for knowledge – If anyone has a better name/this isn't what this name means – let me know :-P

** After comparing Nanao from the lieutenants in "All Color but the Black" and either the tanto or wakizashi, I chose the former. If you read the wiki page concerning the wakizashi seemed to be more fitting to Nanao's. The purple seemed rope-like similar the wakizashi. Taking into account Nanao's logical nature, decapitation of an enemy, the typical use of a wakizashi, as opposed to stabbing, which the tanto was well suited for, would be the more definite way to remove a threat. Plus a wakizashi was used as a side arm with a katana and kido could be considered as Nanao's metaphorical "main sword."


	6. one chapter to the next

I finally proven myself as a capable shinigami after a few years of hard work. I'm proficient in wielding both a sword, that is the proper size, and my zanpakuto. I can fight in hand to hand combat. I'm at a bit of a disadvantage in this area because of my size. I can also use shunpo sufficiently, but it will be something I'll have to practice. And of course, I was more than sufficient in kido than was required.

I actually received an offer from the Kido Corp. I talked with Saimitsu about it, but he said that our sakura tree may not grow as much because I'll have little time to practice and spend time with him. He looked kinda sad when I asked him about the Kido Corp. Seeing him like that made me sad too. I don't want to cause Saimitsu unhappiness. The sakura tree sapling now is as tall as me, but if it stops growing, I'm still growing. And it'd be silly to have such a beautiful tree stop growing at this point.

So instead, I was recruited into the 8th division when I graduated today. I don't have a seat yet, but I think that will change in time. I'm still growing and I don't have much experience compared to others. It wouldn't be logical for them to seat me before they knew my abilities either.

The woman who came by to the new recruits said she was the fukutaicho of the 8th. She was a younger woman with black hair like mine, but she wore them in two braids. My hair isn't long enough to do anything with it. Maybe I'll grow it out longer so I can put it up when I'm bigger. She also wears glasses like me too. I loved the way she spoke though. Everyone listened to her. I think it's because she had a aura that demanded attention.

I wish people would listen to me too and take me seriously. I want people to recognize me for my abilities, not as a cute little girl in shinigami robes. I heard that some of the older women have difficulty with gaining rank with their skills alone, but have only been able to manipulate their way to higher ranks. There are only a few that are fukutaichos, but I think I want to change that. Many of the girls I saw in the academy where much more capable then the boys, so I think that should reflect in their ranks. I wonder if they ever get together and talk to each other. I think that would be fun.


	7. the first sight of pink

I did a double take when I first saw my captain. There was so much resemblance between him and my Saimitsu******.** Their voices, hair and eyes. And that happy smile they have.

Kyouraku Shunsui, taicho of the 8th division. It sounds somewhat regal. But he certainly didn't dress the part. He wore a really big pink haori over his white captain's haori. And his sea green obi faded into white near the ends. And he wore a straw hat on his head and two little blue pinwheels in his hair. I'm surprised a captain could be so easy going and disregard uniform protocols.

But his attire really seemed to fit him though. Kyouraku Taicho smiled and laughed as he joked with some of the division seats there. He paid special attention to Yadamaru Fukutaicho but she didn't seem like she cared too much about that, I wonder what that was about.

After he introduced himself to the new recruits, he came over to each of us and chatted amiably with everyone. Sometimes he would comfort someone who was still shivering due to him massive amount of reiatsu. He really tried his best to keep it under control though. I think I shivered at one point. But I was fine when he came over and talked with me. I half expected him to stay standing as a superior would to his new subordinate, but he crouched down so he could see me more eye to eye. Part of me felt like he was patronizing me, but I really think he was just treating me as an equal. I was a fellow shinigami, with just eons of age and experience was difference between the two of us. But I don't think it mattered to him. I still remember our conversation:

"Hi little shinigami-chan! What's your name?"

"Ise Nanao, Kyouraku-Taicho sir!"

He grinned wider "How old are you, little Ise Nanao"

"I'm not exactly sure, sir. I finished the academy fairly quickly and I was really young when I started. Logically I can't be much more than 10 by those factors and my appearance."

He cocked his head to the side thinking, but then he noticed the book I was holding. It was a gift from my kido instructor from the academy. He was very proud of my accomplishments over the years and thought that this might help me in my assignment to the 8th.

"Whatcha reading, there?"

"Advanced kido techniques, sir."

"Really? Is that for fun?"

"Well, sort of, sir… I'd like to become really strong shinigami someday."

He smiled, "Well, I bet if you're reading books like that at this age, I'm sure you will be soon Ise Nanao-chan."

"Hai, Kyouraku Taicho!" I nodded and I'm pretty sure my eyes were big. It was encouraging to hear something like that from a captain, especially my new captain. He really did know how to put others at ease.

"Work hard Ise Nanao-chan." He waved as he got up and moved over to some other new recruits that he hadn't spoken to yet.

Saimitsu and I will really have to work much harder now. Kyouraku Taicho thinks we can do this too.


	8. doors that books can open

There are all sorts of book in the Gotei's library. It's so much bigger than the academy's library. All the books there focus more on the basics and don't really go into detail. But I found a book in the big library about various techniques on connecting with your zanpakuto. I read about meditating with your zanpakuto to gain better understanding and trust for each other today. I tried it and it was a wonderful experience.

Saimitsu was so happy I finally found my own way to see him. Usually he's the one that calls me there. He was so excited that he chased me around and once he caught me he tickled me! I was so out of breath! We sat in the grass while I caught my breath and didn't giggle as much. He stood up so gracefully and held out a hand to me. "Nanao, come with me, I have something to show you" I took his hand and he helped me up and we walked hand in hand up to the top of the hill.

There was a little sprout that wasn't there before. It looked like it was going to be a sapling for a tree. Saimitsu crouched down to look at it with me. He said, "Nanao, this little sprout will grow as we grow together. I hope it becomes a big tree that provides cool shade on sunny days and blossoms in the spring time." I love blossoms, especially ones from sakura trees, which by the looks of it, that's what it was. I smiled at him and told him, "I hope so too." He patted my head, gave me a big smile and stood up.

He looked over to the river saying "I bet you can't beat me to the river" my zanpakuto challenged me to a race? I may not look it, but I can be fast when I want to. But I think Saimitsu might already know that. I started running as fast as I could and he was so close behind me but I still won! In all honesty, I think he let me. He's very kind like that. But not so kind because he tackled me into the river and got me all wet! i splashed back at him, but it turns out he's much better at the splashing than I am. We laid out in the sun while we dried off. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep because the sun was getting low in the sky. Saimitsu told me that I should get along with my day and that he can't wait to see me again. Me neither.

Some shinigami think books are boring and a waste of time, but when you have a day like this, it's hard to ignore the doors that books can open.


	9. first of the month

Arg! Stupid boys! Why do they have to be so mean? I was sitting there eating my lunch quietly by myself and a few of the young male shinigami of the squad came over. They teased about how I should go home to mommy, or I should get a bottle and pacifier. He reached out to ruffle my hair and be all patronizing. I was so furious. So furious that I bound their "leader" with kido. I don't remember ever being this angry.

Yet I did forget that there were other people in the room. Of course one of them had to be Yadamaru fukutaicho. She came up to our spectacle with a stern look on her face. She looked at the young men, and looked at me holding my large book. She looked down at me and evenly commanded, "Come with me."

I was so afraid of what was going to happen. Was I going to be reprimanded with chores? That was the most likely, or could I be arrested? I didn't think so. But that didn't keep me from all the things that could happen, like losing my position and never able to get stronger.

When we were in one of the quiet gardens of 8th division, Yadamaru fukutaicho stopped and sat at the base of the biggest tree.

"Come here." She commanded me. Still, that voice demanded no doubt to her order. So I went over.

"Sit." She pointed next to her. So I sat. "You're Ise Nanao, right?" She turned a bit to look at me.

"Hai, Yadamaru fukutaicho," At this point my head was held lower than usual. I felt like I should be ashamed of my actions.

"You have potential. I like you, Nanao-san." She smiled a tiny bit.

"Really?" I was so surprised that I wasn't being reprimanded.

"Yup. But don't let it get to your head. You've got a good one on your shoulders, so don't waste it."

"I won't I promise!" That is the last thing I'd like to do. Between Saimitsu, Kyouraku taicho and now Yadamaru, there are so many people that have hopes for my future.

"Ok, now let me see that book you're holding there." This time there was more softness to her voice, but it still was as strong as usual. So I handed my book to her and when she asked "Adventure stories?" I felt I needed to give her a bit of an explanation. Usually I'm reading manuals or doing research, but today I took a break and the other division members saw and made fun of me. He was telling me that I should go home and that I was too young for fighting. And I proved him otherwise.

At this, Yadamaru fukutaicho laughed a rough and low laugh. "You've got spunk Ise. Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with adventure stories and proving your point. But I see you're pretty talented in kido. That was a pretty high level binding spell for recent academy graduates."

I was proud hearing that.

"Without the incantation, right?" I nodded. "Well then, y'know what I'm going to do? I'll read to you. And you can sit here."

After she read a few chapters she told me she enjoyed our little reading together and that we should do this again. But unfortunately our captain doesn't do much paperwork, so the only real free time she has is on the first of the month. She also said that she'd like to see kido book I'm currently on and that she might be able to give some pointers. I was excited and would love read with her again so I told her so.

I'm can't wait to read with Yadamaru fukutaicho again.


	10. visiting hours

A/N: sorry this took a bit to get up and is a bit short. Things have been a bit busy in London and I've been in a fight with my internet connection. Hope you enjoy!

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Lately I've been trying to meditate at different times of the day to see which one Saimitsu really likes. Monday I tried noon. He seemed alert, but nothing unusual. He said the sun is nice, but it's not all that exciting. Yes it give warmth and light, which is good for reading, but its just ok. So I tried visiting at dawn on Tuesday. Saimitsu seemed content with the sunrise in my inner world. He seemed fairly refreshed. Wednesday's twilight made him much happier, but still, he wasn't excited like when I first came to him by my own devices. It seemed like he was waiting for something. So maybe I should try the dark of night too.

I tried midnight last night. The stars were beautiful in his opinion. But the moon, it simply took his breath away. You can read by the moonlight. The moon changes but will change consistently. It gave the stars company in the sky. The moon shone brightly but at a glance looked simple but when given a closer examination, revealed so many details upon its surface. Or at least, this is all what Saimitsu said.

Saimitsu said that the night sky enchanted him, but books were still his passion. The sky drew you to wonder, to reflect and think deeper on what we do know, what we could know and possibly things we might not ever know. There was so much detail with each star, but the night sky placed every bit into the big picture. Saimitsu really enjoys the night.

The tree looked very elegant in the shimmering moonlight. The petals looked even softer in this light. I think Saimitsu is right in favoring the night. As beautiful as my inner world is in the day time, it's nothing compared to the night. I also noticed there were more books than the previous time I had visited Saimitsu. I really wonder what all those books are. Maybe I'll have to ask him next time.


	11. fairytales and ponytails

Today, Lisa-san felt the office was just too stuffy and it was a beautiful spring day outside. So we obtained some picnic food from the division's kitchen and found a nice place under the sakura trees. Turns out the Kyouraku taicho was with the trees too. He was reclined with his straw hat over his face but lifted it to see us. He smiled briefly before going back to his nap. We sat near him and Lisa read a fun adventure story today. It was about a heroine and her loyal horse that traveled the lands far and near looking for the love of her life. At first I thought it was going to be all romance and no adventure, but the girl encountered many challenges going far and wide to find her one and only.

There was one part where the lady took off her glasses and unbraided her hair. I decided that Lisa-san would look pretty if she tried that too. I asked her if I could, she let me take off her glasses to see what she looked like. I like her green eyes. Kyouraku taicho sat up at this point to see what all my giggling was about.

"Nanao-chan, whatcha up to?" He didn't sound that groggy like people do when they wake up. Maybe he was just sitting there. I asked him if he thought Lisa-san would look pretty with her braids out. He smiled and said he didn't know and that maybe we should try and find out. She glared at him and he smiled a bit less than before. I don't understand what went on, but I think she didn't want him to act that way when I'm there.

She changed the subject to me asking if I knew any ways of wearing my hair. I haven't really looked into it and plus my hair is too short to do anything with. She took me back to her apartment where her brush and mirror were. I still don't understand why Kyouraku taicho looked sad when we left.

But I got to play with Lisa-san's hair! Her hair was all wavy when I took out her pigtail braids. Lisa-san really does look like she could be a princess if she wanted to. But somehow I doubt that is something she would like to be.

Lisa-san taught me how to braid and some simple twists and knots I could do in my hair. I really like the one where it makes the ends of your hair stick up. It's very elegant. While it's modest and simple, it still has a little flair.

I decided I'm growing out my hair so I can do fun things with my hair too.


	12. broken tradition

Lisa-san wasn't around tonight, it made me sad. We always read on the first of the month. I was surprised that Kyouraku-taicho remembered my name, so made me feel a little bit better. Taicho walked me back to my quarters. He didn't seem to be feeling like himself, not like the first time I saw him. He just seemed so alive then, but I think he was worried today.

I hope it's not because of Lisa-san, he seemed so confident she was coming back. I don't like Kyouraku taicho being concerned. It means that there is something really big is bothering him because he always seems so upbeat and happy.

And Lisa-san is really strong. She's helped me a bunch with some kido techniques and shared some tips about fighting with a shorter weapon. Lisa-san has done so much for me. I actually consider her my friend or maybe like an older sister. Hopefully she'll be back in the morning like Kyouraku taicho said she would.

But maybe it's just this uneasy feeling around Seretei. Everywhere you go there seems to be a nagging feeling that something is going on that you know nothing about, but you should, because it might affect you. I don't enjoy this feeling at all and Lisa-san isn't here to share and discuss it with… This is actually the first time I haven't spent the first of the month with Lisa-san ever since she first saw me lose my temper.

The more I think about it, something certainly feels wrong and it's causing my chest to tighten. I'm not one for crying, especially since Lisa-san said crying can be a sign of weakness. And she also said that emotions can get in the way of one's duty as a shinigami. I want to be strong, but right now I'm having a hard time blinking back the tears.

Please Lisa-san, I need you to come home.


	13. suspicions confirmed

Lisa-san isn't coming back and there are all sorts of rumors going around. Some say she's dead or she betrayed Seretei. I don't think she did. I don't think she would leave here like that. She wasn't unhappy with her life here. She was following Kyouraku taicho's orders. She might have read books that taicho made comments about, but that's nothing to go turn on your comrades for. She would have said something beforehand to me. Maybe something like being strong and possibly taking care of Kyouraku taicho. Or working hard and growing up to be a strong young woman. Those would be things she would have said before she would leave like this…

I hope Lisa-san is doing well. I hope that someone didn't forget to investigate more about the whole incident and make sure that she isn't somewhere dying slowly and alone. I hope that Lisa-san comes back someday if she is fine. I never got to tell her how much her friendship and guidance meant to me. I want to show her how much impact she's had on me by becoming a strong and independent shinigami woman. If I am honest with myself, she was my only true friend in this division.

Taicho looks so sad. I don't like seeing him that way. Tomorrow is the first of the month again but Lisa-san won't be here to read with me. Maybe I could ask Kyouraku-taicho. He might be too busy, but I want to cheer him up. I wonder if he's as sad as I am. But no one should be this sad alone.

I think I'll bring him a happy adventure story, one like the stories Lisa-san used to read me.


	14. rise from the sad ashes

I woke up this morning tucked into my futon in the 8th divisions' barracks. I must have fallen asleep reading with Kyouraku-taicho last night. I'll go apologize to him today. I shouldn't inconvenience Kyouraku taicho like that. He has a lot on his mind and he has a bunch of paperwork to needs to be done. He looked so…lost… when I came in last night. So much so that it made me even sadder. Yet he seemed a bit happier when we were reading, so I think I did the right thing.

I think he might have been drinking that weird beverage all the older shinigami drink. Is it called sake? Well, I'm not exactly sure but he smelled like it and he seemed a bit slower than usual. There were also a bunch of empty bottles by his desk as well, so he must have had quite a bit if he was drinking that substance. At least Taicho didn't drink it while I was there and he got a bit better as he read more.

Even though Kyouraku taicho smiled and laughed, they both seemed a bit hollow to me. And his eyes. His eyes looked so sad and pained. Lisa-san told me that Kyouraku taicho is really old, so chances are that he's seen something like this before. Or at least felt the same sort of pain.

Usually he likes lying in the gardens, but now that Lisa-san isn't around, he probably will be doing paperwork. Lisa-always said that Kyouraku taicho is more than capable of doing paperwork but her guess is that after being around for as long as he has, it is just tedious. Thus he leaves it to his subordinates to do. So after I'll get ready I'll go see if he's in his office.


	15. friendship blossoms

I'm happy I went to talk to Kyouraku-Taicho. I apologized about falling asleep while he was reading and he started to laugh. It was a really big and rumbling laugh. I was so confused to why he was laughing. I didn't say anything funny, did I? He looked at me and chuckled and told me little girl shinigami need their sleep to grow big and strong like their fukutaichos. I smile and nodded. He also asked me what sort of taicho would he be if he didn't take care of his subordinates. I thought we were supposed to support him and he told me that we help each other.

Then he asked if I'd go on a walk with him and I nodded. He picked me up and sat me on his shoulder. He's so tall! I could see over almost everyone! We walked through the sakura trees and by some ponds. I picked a sakura blossom when we passed by the trees and gave it to him. He seems like a sakura blossom to me, so bright and his big pink haori flutters in the wind like the petals.

We eventually came by the 13th division and I met Ukitake-taicho for the first time. He seems so nice. I can see why Kyouraku-taicho and he are friends. My taicho told him I love to read, so Ukitake-taicho went into his office and brought out a book for me. I'm really excited to read it more tomorrow. We had some tea by the koi pond and the 13th's new fukutaicho came to join us in the afternoon.

Ukitake-taicho gave me some food to feed the fish too. They have really big mouths! Kyouraku-taicho brought me back to the 8th division after sunset and read me the first chapter of my new book then tucked me in. He told me he that he was glad I came with him on a walk today. I agree. I think it was a good day too.

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A/N: So updates might come much slower after the next few chapters. I've had everything up to this point very clear in my head. Now I'm getting to more uncharted territory. So I'm welcome to any suggestions at this point. Some of you have been quite helpful so far and I would love for that to continue. :-P


	16. good at math

This week I brought a math book to Kyouraku taicho to read. He was a bit surprised that it wasn't a kido or an adventure book like usual but he read it to me anyways. I found it the other day when I was looking for other things that could make me a better shinigami and this seemed interesting. It's amazing what numbers can do. You can count them, add them, multiply them or give them meaning. Lots of examples in the book give money as an example of what numbers are for. Things like budgets and interest and trading goods and services all seem fascinating.

After reading for a bit, Kyouraku taicho asked me a few simple math questions. I gave them pretty easily. I think numbers come pretty natural to me. Then he asked me some algebra. It took a bit more thinking, but I answered those easily. Taicho cocked his head to the side and asked me if I liked math. I nodded and said that it's a useful tool to have since there are so many applications. I still don't know that much math though. I inquired if Lisa-san used math as fukutaicho. Kyouraku taicho looked away and replied that she did, mostly when she was doing the 8th Division budget. She was pretty good at it too.

I feel bad at mentioning Lisa-san to Kyouraku taicho. He changed how he was acting so much when I mentioned her name. I'll have to make it up to Taicho for bringing up a topic that's sad for him. I'll do the budget for him someday. And it will be balanced properly, like Lisa-san used to.

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A/N: Sorry it took as long as it did to get this up. I've been mulling over the time span between Nanao's childhood to young adulthood. I need to make sure I cover important issues and how they change Nanao to who we know her as. Suggestions welcome!


	17. sakura petal challenge

I like sakura petals because they remind me of Saimitsu, so sometimes I try and catch them when they fall. The way they flutter in the wind and go along their way is just.. enchanting. I was pretty sure no one was watching until Kyouraku taicho walked up beside me and asked me what I was doing. It's a bit embarrasing to have your captain catch you doing something unproductive and silly. But I told him what I was doing anyways because it's even worse to lie to your superior officer.

Kyouraku taicho's face looked really serious when he challenged me to who could catch the most petals. I was a bit surpised at him, because he never really looks serious. I'm pretty good at catching them, even without shunpo, so I accepted his challenge. He was so surprised at how I was doing that his eyes got pretty big and he raised his eyebrows at me. Then he smirked. I didn't understand why he was doing that… I was winning. "You're pretty good, Nanao-chan. But I'm sorry, I've been holding back."

Kyouraku taicho took off his two haoris placed them on the ground beside one of the trees. Then before I could blink I was surrounded by a huge pile of petals and Kyouraku taicho's grinning face right in front of mine with his hat on top of my head. I told him that was amazing. He laughed and fluffed the petals back up into the air and all of sudden he took his hat and was sitting underneath the tree where he placed his haoris just moments before.

I looked around at the huge pile and could see nothing better to do with it than jump in it. The petals are just so soft. I blew a bunch of them into the light breeze and watched them flutter away. Saimitsu really likes sakura petals and I felt him having as much fun as I was. Kyouraku taicho watched me play from underneath his hat. He had a small smile on his face. I'm glad he's smiling, even if it's just a little bit.

Taicho still is feeling sad about Lisa-san. He hides it pretty well and you can only see it when you're looking for it. But when someone mentions her you can see his face change a bit. It's mostly in his eyes. He still laughs and grins but I only know because I feel the same way. I've been trying to come by more often than once a month to see him and try cheering him up. He needs a friend too.


	18. kawaii kawaii

I was able to put my hair back in a pony tail! I found an extra piece of string in one of the library study rooms and tried putting it back and it worked! It's a really short pony tail, at least compared to all the other girls in the 8th division. And my bangs don't go back, it seems like they refuse to be restrained. But I like it anyways.

Kyouraku taicho saw it when I passed him by headquarters today. He smiled and told me I looked cute with my hair like that. He didn't stop me, which was good because I was bringing lots of heavy books from the library. But he was singing "Kawaii, kawaii, Nanao-chan with her hair tied back," as he continued down the path. It made me smile.

When I got back to my room after all sorts of reading in one of the gardens in the 8th, I found a small envelope that someone slid under my door. It was from Taicho. "For my kawaii kawaii nanao-chan, so she doesn't have to use ordinary string in her pretty hair." And a deep purple ribbon fell out of the envelope. It's so pretty! It's not too wide so when I tie it that it looks silly because my hair is still really short. I'll have to go thank him tomorrow.


	19. afternoon at the 13th

I was on my way to the library when I bumped into Kyouraku taicho. He saw that I didn't have any books today so he asked if I wanted to come to the 13th and see if Ukitake taicho had any for me to borrow. I remembered how much I liked the last book and was quick to agree. I had already returned the book earlier this month when I was dropping off some paperwork. He was very kind and offered to let me feed his koi fish again, but I had other paperwork and some books that I really wanted to read back at the 8th.

I had to walk a bit quicker than I usually would to keep up with Kyouraku taicho. He was walking fairly slow so I could keep up, but even then I'm still pretty short. I've grown a little bit since I've joined the 8th, but an inch isn't anything in comparison to Taicho. I'll have to work harder to keep up with him, I don't want to get left behind.

Ukitake Taicho was glad to see me again and asked me what I thought of the last book I borrowed. I told him it was an excellent composition, one of the best adventure stories that I've read so far. He was surprised at how well I analyzed the characters and that I could figure out the plot twist at the end. Ukitake taicho smiled and said "Ah well, I think I need to find a more interesting book for Ise-san, then."

Kyouraku taicho laughed at his friend when he saw what book he was going to give me. He handed me a book about half my size and looked relatively recent compared to others that Ukitake taicho has. It looked like a compilation of works from real world authors. I nearly fell over when he handed it to me. But I carry plenty of large books on a regular basis so I was fine. He explained that these were some recent popular authors in the 19th century from Earth. I grinned because there wasn't that much recent material in the library yet.

Kyouraku laughed when he saw my face. He said to Ukitake taicho that I see new books like a huge bag of candy. Ukitake smiled and said I could put the book down, he didn't want me to get tired of holding it. He also offered me some koi food that I could bring to the pond. I love the fish! They have colorful patterns on their scales. Ukitake taicho does a great job of taking care of his ponds.

Kaien-fukutaicho came over and fed the koi with me. He's an interesting person. He's not like some other high ranking officers I've met. But he's Ukitake taicho's fukutaicho, so it would only make sense that he was a good person. I'm sure if he wasn't, Kyouraku taicho wouldn't have let Ukitake taicho promote him. Even though he's so much older than me, he treats me respectfully like Taicho and Ukitake taicho do. I like him, even though he is a bit silly and loud sometimes.

While I was playing with Kaien fukutaicho, Taicho and Ukitake taicho were sitting and having a drink. Every once in a while when a fish jumped up and I got startled they would chuckle a bit. They always seem like they'll jump too high at me! I tried squinting my eyes at the fish, willing them not to jump so high. But it didn't work. I'll teach those fish next time.

After I fed all the fish and Kyouraku taicho was finished his drink with Ukitake taicho, we decided it was time to head home and get some dinner. I really liked visiting the 13th. Ukitake-taicho and Kaien-fukutaicho are so nice to be with.

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A/N: apologies for not updating sooner! My project and the bank holiday have been demanding :-P After all your lovely suggestions and much mulling over, I have a wicked long list of chapters to be done. I hope this is wonderful news for those who've been enjoying my work so far!


	20. practice makes perfect

Saimitsu prodded me all day to practice with him. I told him that I needed to finish this one book about King Arthur, otherwise I wouldn't be able to focus properly. He pouted for a bit. I had to promise him that I would practice with him a whole lot more this week if he was going to let me finish this book. But it was so interesting! It was about the king of a silly place called Britain and his "knights" at this round table. I still don't understand why it was a big deal that the table was round. I'll have to look into that later.

But practice was… a bit difficult today. Right now, Saimitsu is a bit of an awkward size for me. His sealed form is a wakizashi. When we first met, I could use him like a small katana. But now that I'm a bit bigger, I can't use him as either. So wielding him properly was frustrating. And he wasn't much help today either! I was practicing some common moves that one would perform wakizashi quite well. I was so lost in my world with him. So I forgot there was a wooden pillar when I swung a strong and high stroke. The immediate stop in my practice startled me and I saw I had embedded Saimitsu into the wood. I tugged at the hilt to get him out, but he was firmly stuck.

Then oh! He had the nerve! He started laughing at me! I was so frustrated! I tried and I tried and nothing worked. I had to go look for someone to help me get my own zanpakuto out of a wooden pillar! And of course the first person I find had to be Kyouraku taicho. I was so embarrassed asking my taicho to help me retrieve Saimitsu from the training room. I led him back to the room but I wasn't really paying attention, I was still upset I couldn't take care of myself in this silly predicament and he laughed! I got back to him and stood next to it looking at Taicho with my arms crossed. He gave me a strange look, but I suppose a little girl all flustered at her sword stuck in a piece of wood might be a little peculiar. I thanked him after he effortlessly removed Saimitsu from the wood. He still gave me an interesting look, he looked a bit amused too, but didn't comment on it and thankfully left me to practice more.

After Saimitsu had apologized sincerely for laughing, he convinced me that it was a little bit funny. He really does understand that even though I don't appear like I can wield him well, I am doing well given the circumstances. He's very reassuring that practice will make perfect.

He still laughed at me though. He'll regret doing that after how much we train this week.

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A/N: Thanks for all the awesome reviews! I'm having so much fun with little Nanao :-P


	21. curiosity and questions

This week was so exhausting. True to my word, Saimitsu and I trained very hard this week. We each were trying not to be the one who asked for respite from the intense training. In the end we were both exhausted and called a truce. I have never slept in so late before. It actually was really nice, I felt like I earned it.

But with all my training, I've gotten behind in some of the reading I really wanted to do. I already read the entire book Ukitake Taicho lent me. He seemed somewhat surprised how fast I read it. I found an interesting section in the library about various theories on the attainment of spiritual powers and its development. What makes a soul generate reiatsu? Why are some souls stronger than others? Why do souls with reiatsu need food? I've always wondered these questions but no one really gave me an answer that really made sense at the Academy. So I'm researching that on my own.

With a big pile of these books, I found a really big sakura tree to sit under. Only after I read a few chapters did I realize I wasn't alone in the small grove of sakura trees. Kyouraku taicho was in the tree in front of where I was sitting, enjoying the summer heat on the low branches. He smiled at me when I finally noticed he was there. Apparently Kyouraku taicho is really good at hiding his reiatsu, I had no idea he was anywhere near there. He got up from his perch in the branches and gracefully came to sit by me.

Kyouraku taicho noticed the book I was reading. Considering that Kyouraku taicho has been in Seretei for much longer than I have, I figured he might have some answers to the questions have. He looked up into the trees when I asked him how some souls have reiatsu and others don't. After taking a moment or two, he looked at me and told me that there are just some things that we don't know, that we might never know, try as we might.

While his answer makes sense, it bothers me a bit. I don't like thinking that there is something that I can't learn. Then he asked me what I think the answer could be. I said I didn't know, that's why I was reading about it. He chuckled a bit and replied that I might find the answer in those books. Then he gestured to his heart and asked what I felt there, what feels like the answer. I tried figuring it out. I looked up at him and told him I still don't know. Kyouraku taicho smiled at me and reassured me that it's ok not to know sometimes, but understand what do not understand.

I think I'll still look for answers. But I think I understand what Kyouraku taicho is trying to say. That maybe not everything is in a book, but that you might know things without reading them. I don't know anything like that. But maybe I will. At least I have another place to look for the answers that all these questions that I have.

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A/N: I was in a weird mood when I wrote this, so sorry if its' not full of the usual cuteness. I wanted it to be all fluffy, but I've been a bit homesick this week, so Nanao and Shunsui's interactions got a bit serious. Nanao is growing up though and asking bigger questions. We'll see what happens next!


	22. prelude to paperwork

Arg! I need to stop falling asleep! I've been practicing and reading so much lately that I really haven't been sleeping enough. So I fell asleep reading _again _under the sakura trees in the 8th division. I need to stop doing that. It's embarrassing enough to wake up under the trees, but even more so when you have your captain's pink haori on you. It was nice of him since the fall evenings get quite chilly. I wasn't planning on napping outside, either. It's been awhile since I have fallen asleep out there.

I returned his haori to him this afternoon when he finally went to the office. He's been going into the office later and later. I wonder what he's doing. Is he sleeping in? Is he doing other work? Does he go see Ukitake taicho? I hope he's doing well, whatever he's doing.

It was weird seeing him without his pink haori on. It didn't seem right. He looked too serious, too much like the other captains. At least he was still wearing his hat. He smiled when I handed his neatly folded haori. I like seeing him smile. The division doesn't seem right if he isn't. He stood up from behind his desk and put it on. He's always very elegant when he does that. He thanked me and sat back down and looked back at his paperwork and gave a heavy sigh.

Kyouraku-taicho really doesn't like paperwork, so I offered to do some of it if he'd like me to. His eyebrows shot up and considered my offer for a moment. He smiled and joked with me asking if it would interfere with my afternoon naps. Why did he have to bring up something embarrassing like that? I muttered something along those lines, but also mentioned that he did it all the time. Kyouraku taicho laughed. His laugh makes the room he's in rumble. "Did you just say what I think I heard?" I didn't know Taicho had such good hearing. I replied that I didn't know what he was talking about. He reflected on my answer. I'm certain that he knew I was lying, but I didn't know what else to say. I just made a disrespectful comment to my superior officer. I was very surprised when his face broke into another smile. "I'm glad you're in my division Nanao-chan. I think I'll take you up on your offer."

For the next half hour, he led me through some of the simpler forms that needed to be done. They were mostly budget requests that he needed to check for accuracy. He remembered that I liked math and thought it might be something I'd be good at. He said that I could ask him if I had any questions and told me about some books that would be good references if I needed any clarification. It seems like he knows that I'd rather find the answer on my own instead of bothering him.

I immediately went to the library and checked out those books after I left Taicho's office. I scanned through some major points, but the forms seemed to make sense. I finished them fairly quickly and brought them back to the office later that afternoon. Kyouraku Taicho was happy and somewhat surprised that I finished them so fast. He thanked me while giving me a big grin and told me to have a good evening.

I like helping out Taicho. It makes me feel useful to the division and it makes him a little bit happier. I guess I should finish that reference book, I have a feeling I might be doing more paperwork for Kyouraku taicho.


	23. doubts in the night

Last night was my first night patrol around the division. It was rather uneventful. I was on duty with our 12th seat Morita-san*. He seems to be nice, but there was something in his demeanor that was disconcerting. He said polite things, treated me kindly and the sort. Yet I almost felt he was being overly so, like he was concerned that I was too young to have the same responsibilities as he. I don' think he quite understands that I graduated from the Academy, meaning I am quite capable of carrying shinigami duties.

Even if there are members of the division that have seen my lacking abilities with a sword, there is a larger group that knows how well I can cast kido spells. There was that time when there was a lunch time contest that came up between some older shinigami in the squad. One member thought he was the best at casting red shot of flame, another thought there was a good majority that could do better than the first. And he accepted the challenge. At least they had the good sense of moving it to the training field.

I tagged along because I like kido and maybe they have some pointers. The first man cast red shot of flame. It wasn't anything spectacular. The second man laughed and he said he could do better and proceeded to show him his own technique. Again, it wasn't that good, but slightly better than the first's. Then he turned to the crowd and asked if anyone else think they could do better. I raised my hand and stated I could better quietly. The second raised his eyebrows in curiosity but asked me to show them and the first man laughed. I hate it when people laugh when they underestimate others. It makes them seem foolish when they are beaten. Well that was exactly what happened.

I've trained enough where I don't need the incantation. And I shot my spell across the ground. The air shook with the impact. Everyone's jaw dropped. I guess I surprised them with just how much power is stored in the little body of mine.

Obviously the 12th seat hasn't heard this story though. He doubts my abilities, which is unbecoming of an officer. But it certainly makes me question. The night invited the room for doubt in my growth. Am I working hard enough? Have I been training correctly? Saimitsu has been very supportive, but he's been acting a bit weird lately and I'm not sure why. I try spending as much time meditating and training with Saimitsu as I do with practicing kido. Looking up into the night sky didn't give me any answers either. Maybe I'll try looking within to find an answer, like Kyouraku taicho suggested. But really I need to get stronger because I hate it when people view me as inferior to them.

* * *

A/N: so I had a plan and when I start writing, it doesn't up as I thought. But it still fits, right? Oh, and I just needed someone for Nanao to go on shift with, so that's Morita-san's only role. I apparently need more thinking before I can get back to my original plan.


	24. release

Saimitsu likes doing things his own way sometimes. Others have learned the name of their zanpakuto and their shikai at the same time. Saimitsu, on the other hand, has taught me his name, but not how to release his first form. Other shinigami learn both about the same time, but Saimitsu felt that I needed to learn a bit more before I could handle shikai. It's only fitting since his name means detailed knowledge. I've speculated a long time what his first release is, I've even asked him. He would just smile and pat me on the head and tell me "Not yet, Nanao. But soon." I'd always scowl at him and ask when, but he'd always change the subject. Saimitsu is so… peculiar. But he's a part of me. Today when I asked him, he leaned over so we were looking eye to eye (which isn't as hard for him now), smiled and whispered. "I think I'll tell you today."

Oh, I was so excited when he said that! I think it's how Kyouraku taicho feels when Ukitake taicho gives him a bottle of sake. Well, actually, more like enough sake for the rest of his life. Which I imagine would be a very long time. I really don't think there is a better way of describing just how exhilarating learning shikai is.

I was by one of the streams that run through one of the quieter sakura groves. Between my big lunch, the afternoon sun and a less than interesting book on division budgeting protocol, it wasn't surprising that I fell asleep. When I first entered into my soul, something was very different. It'd always been day before, but today it was twilight. But even then, Saimitsu looked more jovial than usual and then I asked him the question today.

"I've never told you what all the books here are. They're important to releasing your powers, Nanao." I had always wondered what the books held, but Saimitsu always avoided the subject. I've seen how their numbers have grown. Some looked very familiar and some I've never seen before. But it was getting darker by the minute. "I need you to find something within these books. But I cannot find it for you." I turned away from the books to look at him in the fading light. "What am I looking for?" He cocked his head to the side and just smiled a bigger smile. "I can't tell you that." Obviously my reaction to his comment was comical because he could barely keep from laughing. "Better start looking Nanao, it's getting dark. You'll have a hard time searching soon."

I turned and reached for one of the more familiar books. It was an inch-thick green leather-bound book with worn pages. I expected it to be one of my favorite stories that I used to read. But the pages were blank. I squinted in the growing darkness and saw words beginning to appear. They weren't part of an adventure story but had a more familiar ring to them. After reading a few sentences, I realized they were my own words and feelings. "I wish I could be like her someday," stared up at me. Feelings of sadness welled up. This book had one of the stories I read with Lisa-san. Then she left. I read it night after night when she left. I snapped the book shut because I didn't want to confront the emptiness again. It was still too soon. I tried other books, but more of the same.

"I don't like when others don't trust my abilities."

"I wish I could do more for my division"

"Will I ever be as strong as her?"

"Why did she leave?"

"Do others even care about me?"

"Will Taicho leave too?"

It was getting to be too much. I looked over at Saimitsu and I saw sadness in his eyes even though his face still smiled. It was almost too dark to see at this point. I didn't waste time putting the books back, I needed to find whatever it was Saimitsu wanted me to find. I wanted it to be over. I started using kido to generate light on the hundreds of pages I went through. I was exhausted by how many thoughts that I encountered and by all the kido I used when I came to a soft pink book with crisp pages. "Trust yourself. Trust that you know the answers. Or at least accept that it's alright not to know everything." That sounded exactly like something Taicho would say. That made me feel better, like Kyouraku taicho always does. Saimitsu looked over my shoulder to whisper: "Keep reading."

"I think he's happier when we rest under the trees together. His eyes crinkle more in the spring too. It makes you feel good knowing that you can make your captain feel even a bit happier."

I felt tears welling up in my eyes after I finished reading what was in the pink book. I put it gently back on the shelf and picked up an indigo book next to it.

"You know more than you think you do. Emotions aren't always a bad thing."

I turned to ask Saimitsu what it meant and he shook his head. He looked back at the pages in my hand and I looked back too. And I noticed the page shimmered on its own.

"Kashite kashoku… Lend bright light?"

The moment I uttered those words, the book flashed a blinding light and I was back in the grove. I looked down into my hands and saw a steel fan. I opened it and series of engravings stared up at me. While the engraved scene flowed gracefully from one to another, every 4 panels seemed to belong to a group. Despite the engravings, the panels reflected the afternoon sun beautifully. Each edge was paper thin, so I was careful not to cut myself during the exploration of Saimitsu's partially released form. I quickly sealed him when I heard Kyouraku taicho coming. I wasn't ready to share my latest discovery quite yet.

When Kyouraku taicho came within eyesight, he paused before asking if I wanted to go to the 13th with him. We both realized I had been holding my breath and I quickly released it. I looked up to Taicho and nodded, but asked if I could stop by my quarters to drop off my books. "Of course, Nanao-chan!" and he picked up my books for me while I got up. I was about to protest and he looked over with that expression that dared me to protest. So I started walking with him, but I was still lost thinking about Saimitsu. So elegant and beautiful. I wonder what he can do. He never actually told me what all the books were supposed to mean. I guess that's something I'll have to find out.

* * *

A/N: Sorry this took so long! I really couldn't decide on what Nanao's released form should be. I settled on a fan, but I think the powers it holds will be a good reflection on her personality and fighting style. But IQP is over and I got an A, woohoo! Now I can write more! Yay! I may have some side stories cooking up too, so keep a look out! :-P


	25. up the ladder

Oh my goodness! I was promoted today!! Morita-san, our 12th seat, was transferred into the 9th division yesterday. Kyouraku taicho asked if I wanted to become a seated officer of the division. I told him of course I would love to serve my division more, but only if my abilities were considered at least satisfactory. He gave me a big grin that covered most of his face. "Of course nanao-chan is! She's a hard worker. Plus I'm pretty sure she's stronger than she lets others believe." Honestly, Kyouraku taicho is scary. It's almost as if he knows I've achieved shikai. Maybe he's heard the rumors about the rumors on my kido abilities. But he's never asked me to have a division seat.

I can contribute more to my comrades. I help with the budget and creating the schedules for night patrols. I wonder if Kyouraku taicho understands how much this means to me. Maybe I will be strong enough someday to even be as remotely useful as Lisa-san. I will admit there was quite a bit of paperwork waiting for me on my desk after my promotion. When I went to Isao, the 11th seat, he dropped his afternoon cup of tea. The way he moved his mouth open and closed made him look like one of Ukitake taicho's koi. If I wasn't as confused at his reaction, I would have giggled.

Once he regained some of his composure, he explained that a stack that thick usually takes him a week to do, but I just did it in an hour. I wonder if I made him feel less helpful for the division. I'm sure he has other skills he can contribute to the division. Maybe those types of reports and paperwork aren't his strong point…

I told him I'm perfectly content with doing as much work as he'd like me to do and that I'm more than willing to learn about any forms that need to get done. After I picked up his tea cup and put it back on his desk. I hope he doesn't hate me now. I just want to be helpful, apparently at a frightening level.

* * *

A/N: I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, but I think it'll work. Let me know what you think!


	26. useless

It's been quite some time since I've fought hollows. The last time was during my academy excursions to the real world. I was so little then. So frightened too. There was no way books could prepare me. Lectures were useless as well. All of us were scared, but I feel my fear may have been greater. Other students were older and had more time to see death and pain in the districts of Rukongai. I barely remember the time I spent in the districts. But I remember everything from the academy. Everything.

I was able to grow away from those horrible feelings in the few years I've been in the 8th. The 8th is a comfortable place to be. Yet they all resurfaced last night when we went on a real world mission. Isao-san led me and the 20th seat to a routine purification of a few hollows that appeared in a rural area. Being my first mission to the world of the living in quite some time, I was anxious. I vaguely recalled the horrors of my first trip. Despite this, I tried to focus at the task at hand.

The screeches in the night echoed. I felt cold, colder than I ever remembered being.

The hollows came into sight. Their white masks glowed eerily in the moonlight.

I was caught in the amber emptiness of their eyes. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe.

Isao-san told us to be ready. Who can be ready to face despair like this?

My mouth was dry and my tongue still. No incantations came to me. Saimitsu felt as if he was caught a world away from me. He tried calling out to me, but I heard nothing except the howls. I thought we were making progress too.

Isao-san downed a couple hollows without too much difficulty. The 20th seat, I can't remember his name right now, I had only met him once before, was able to take out one before another knocked him unconscious.

I couldn't protect my comrade. Isao-san received a deep claw wound along his left arm protecting both of us. He was able to rally past the pain and finished the remaining hollows. I was useless. I could have protected them. But I choked.

I only moved when Isao came right in front of my face and shook me a little. I was able to function once more. I wanted to at least help carry the poor 20th seat back to Seretei, but I'm still too small. Useless again. We took him to 4th to let him rest and get Isao-san healed. Isao-san walked me home, but neither of us said anything, partially because I was still speechless.

I cried for hours after I got back to my quarters. I've been trying for years to be stronger, to be more useful. I feel like I haven't made any progress.

After I laid in my futon an hour or so after I woke up, I resolved to remedy my uselessness. First, I went to the office to apologise profusely to Isao-san, but he told me "no worries." Being useless is nothing but worries for me. And I can't have him thinking that his subordinate is a helpless little girl that can't protect herself or her comrades.

I went to the training ground and worked for hours. I don't know if anyone watched. I'm sure there might have been a few. I mean, how often do you see a little shinigami girl fuming and hacking away at targets with her little zanpakuto or torching them with forceful kido? I didn't care though. I was just angry at myself for being useless to my comrades when they needed me. Angry for just standing there and doing nothing. Angry for forgetting I was a shinigami of the 8th division, led by one of the oldest and strongest captains of Seretei. I hate this emptiness inside. I need do everything not to let this happen again, it hurts too much.

* * *

A/N: I apologize for all the dark chapters, but Nanao has to grow up somehow. I'll get some cuter things in hopefully.


	27. innocent eavesdropping

I always love visiting the 13th division with Kyouraku taicho. Today we went on a picnic with Ukitake taicho and Kaien-fukutaicho. I have a suspicion that Kyouraku taicho invited me to prevent me from burning myself out on the training field. There was a hint of concern in his voice when he asked me to join him. I suppose it's in his best interest keeping me from working myself to the bone. I've only worked straight through a full week but I suppose I am getting a bit tired. Saimitsu was happy Taicho came over and provided a distraction, so it didn't take too much for him to convince me to take a break.

I could see why he chose today to go on a picnic. It was so lovely out. The fall has a lovely crispness in the air. As much as Kyouraku taicho looked like he enjoyed it, I still think spring is his favorite season.

Kaien raced me to one of the 13th's ponds away from where Kyouraku taicho and Ukitake taicho were resting. I'm sure that Kaien let me win our little race since I have much shorter legs. We flopped by the edge and I watched the ripples dance along on the pond for a bit. Kaien quickly fell asleep from what must have been a busy week for him. But I lay awake staring at the sky.

I heard the captains' voices wafting on the faint breeze. They were pretty far away, but it was still easy to discern what they were saying. I tried to keep from listening, but their voices are so distinctive and command attention. Plus there were few other ambient noises, so they were the only things to listen to.

I was a bit surprised about their chosen subject for conversation. Of all the things they could talk about, they chose to talk about me. Albeit, positive things, but still, I was confused why they would talk about me. Kyouraku taicho thanked him for providing a distraction for me. I guess I was right when I heard concern in his voice earlier. He was concerned how I was taking my mission to the real world. At the same time, he was glad that I was being active with how I felt about my performance, not moping around like too many shinigami he's seen in the past. Apparently he can read my expressions well; he deduced that I was angry at myself but determined at the same time. He laughed at how the other division members made sure they kept a large distance between themselves and "a training Nanao-chan." Kyouraku taicho has hopes for my future. I do too, Taicho.

But there was one thing that really caught my attention. He lowered his voice, almost in awe, yet it was still so clear: "You should have been there while she was training, Jyuushiro, she was a sight to see." I didn't hear what Ukitake taicho said in response. I guess I was so taken aback by his comment. And how he said it too. I mean, that was the first time I've ever heard Taicho refer to Ukitake taicho by his given name.

At this point I got up stretched. I didn't want to listen anymore, it felt… wrong. It seemed too intimate for me to be listening to. I turned and looked at Kaien fukutaicho and saw him smirking up at me. He probably was feigning sleep while he was listening like I was. After he sat up, he looked straight into my eyes and told me "Ise-san, I won't be too surprised if I started seeing you at the fukutaicho meetings soon." He flashed a big grin as he stood up and patted my shoulder. I couldn't help but stare at him as he started walking over to where our captains were. He waved a hand back at me with a "Don't think about it too much Ise-san. You might hurt yourself!" I guess he's right, I shouldn't worry. And Taicho knows not to promote someone that isn't capable, especially for a position as important as his second. He doesn't even know that I have shikai yet, no one does. So he wouldn't promote me, would he? At least, I think he doesn't know. Actually, for all I could know, he could know Saimitsu's name and the instant I found shikai. I honestly have no idea. That's what I get for having a captain that is much more intelligent than he looks.

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A/N: Hope you enjoy!


	28. dark hill

It's been about a week since I sat by the 13th's pond with Kaien fukutaicho. Since then I trained as hard as I had before, but I moved into a more secret location. In the mornings before everyone got to the office, I would quickly finish my paperwork for the day and find a secluded garden or grove of trees. I want to be alone with Saimitsu and not have possible onlookers when I am practicing with the embodiment of my soul. It's too intimate to share at this point. In the grand scheme of things, I hardly know Saimitsu, which is why today was important for our growth together.

Ever since I learned the command for Saimitsu release, my inner world has been night. The stars twinkle and the moon shines. For the most part it's just as nice as the afternoons it used to be. But today I passed out from exhaustion and was greeted by a less than pleasant place. I could barely see anything between the rain, wind and night, but the frequent lightning confirmed that it was indeed my world of books and trees. My world was so torn. It looked exactly as I felt.

I called out to Saimitsu. I didn't want to be alone here. Another flash of lightning revealed his silhouette at the base of the hill looking up at the decent sized tree. It certainly has grown since we first saw it sprouting. I ran over to him, but slipped on something. When I looked to see what it was, I saw pages. There were pages that looked torn from books all over, soaked with rain and whipped around by the wind. Those were my pages. My breath caught in my throat seeing a fragile part of my soul in that condition. I got back up and made my way over to where Saimitsu stood. He didn't look over I when approached him. He remained fixated on the tree. I asked him what I needed to do to stop the storm, to fix the books. Only then did he look over to me. "You need to figure it out. You already know the answer."

If I hadn't been so concerned about everything my world potentially being washed away, I might have been angry at him for being ambiguous again. Saimitsu was right though. I knew had the answer, I just didn't know what it was yet. I wished he had given me a place to start. So I started by stooping down and picked up a few of the torn pages and looked at them. Where words should have been, there were indiscernible characters with the blackest of ink. I lit one hand with kido to read better and the ink appeared to melt. But it melted down the paper and onto and around my forearms. It burned so much that I dropped the papers, hoping the ink would go with it, but it remained. I tried rubbing it off with my other, which was foolish, since I ended up with two arms covered with ink that burned. I tried using the stream to rinse it off, but the ink was as stubborn as I am. I looked to Saimitsu hoping for a clue, but he was just staring at the tree still.

Ignoring the burning on my arms, I made my way to see what captivated my soul so much. After a few slips, I got to the base of the tree and looked. Saimitsu's release was there. I picked up the engraved fan and immediately the burning stopped. One thing fixed. But there was still a storm and thousands of pages to be taken care of. I figured my steel fan was the answer somehow since Saimitsu was so fixated on it. Yet I knew nothing of its powers.

Just then I felt a tingle on the back of my neck. It really isn't wise to be on a tall hill with a tall tree on it in the middle of a thunderstorm. Instinctively I held my fan up to the heavens as if to defend myself from the oncoming bolt, as foolish as it sounds. That's when it happened. Saimitsu's fan actually stopped the bolt, or rather, absorbed it. A group of four panels glowed with the eerie purplish white glow of the lightning.

Getting an idea, I lit my left hand with simple red fire spell and pressed it to my fan. The next four panels glowed red. It absorbed lightning and kido. What else could it absorb? The ink on the pages wasn't normal ink. It burned to the touch, it glowed when I first learnt Saimitsu's release command and it seemed conscious when it covered my arms. Could my fan absorb that too? I used my fan to cast some light to find the nearest page. I pressed my fan to it. Memories came up but a lesson I learned long ago about the basics of casting kido echoed predominately in my mind. I was surprised I closed my eyes at the memory. When I opened them, the page was gone. I pressed my fan to another page. More memories, lessons and a missing page. Some pages held spells I had forgotten, but instantly they came back to me. Slowly, I cleaned my inner world from its torn pages, experiencing all those emotions that I just went through a few weeks ago when I learned "kashite kashoku." It wasn't as painful this time around.

I was still confused as to the release command and Saimitsu's abilities at this point. How can he lend light if he absorbs it? That's when I got the idea to see if he could release the things he absorbed. I held my fan up with both hands and willed the lightning to be released away from me. I fell over backwards at the force of it. I'm pretty sure that's the "lend light" part. Yet light can also be considered knowledge. I've absorbed all of these memories and thoughts. Can I share that? If I can, how does that work? I suppose there are still some questions. I'm happy I found at least some answers.

I landed by one of the shelves from the blast and noticed that the books were whole and back in place. The things that I've learned are a part of me. Storms cannot shake that. Maybe because they're here means that the things I've learned are always at my disposal and are not so reliant on its physical manifestation of real books.

I walked up to Saimitsu and the storm calmed. He smiled. I smiled back and thanked him. "I told you that you knew, Nanao." Then I woke up back in the real world, with dusk approaching quickly.

Well, there is still more that I do not know about you, Saimitsu. Please be patient and open with me, I want to know more about you. About me too. I'm scared to find out what else I know and what other powers we have, but as long as you're there, I'll be fine.

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A/N: I apologize for longer chapters than usual, but Nanao is getting more descriptive about the happenings in her life. Plus you guys have been waiting longer between updates, so I figure you don't mind too much :-P


	29. spar

"Nanao-chan. Follow me."

Those words changed so much today. I thought it was going to be another day at the office helping Isao-san complete the endless stream of paperwork that came through the 8th division. But Kyouraku taicho swept into the office and stood in front of my small desk covered in paper and uttered those words. And it wasn't his usual lighthearted self either. He meant business.

Hundreds of scenarios ran through my head. Had I inadvertently done something wrong? Was he unhappy with my performance as a division member? Did I cause the division harm with a report that I may have completed incorrectly? Then a certain fukutaicho's words came to mind. Was Kaien fukutaicho right? Was Taicho going to promote me? It would fit since it was a serious decision and Taicho was acting unusually serious.

Kyouraku taicho patiently waited for those few moments to pass and me to look up at him and meet his eyes. He remained motionless until I responded in kind with: "Hai."

Dramatically as he came in, he swept out with his haoris flaring out as he turned. I had to walk fairly quickly to keep up with my large captain. I caught a moment of Isao-san and the others starting to gossip in low tones as we quickly moved away from my shared office.

We walked in silence. Other division members turned and watched as we walked by. I'm sure they were curious what Kyouraku taicho was doing with a serious look, a determined gait and a small girl shinigami almost running to keep up with him.

After a minute or two, I realized we must be heading towards the training grounds and my suspicions were confirmed. Only when we first entered the large sparing field did Kyouraku taicho speak again.

"Nanao-chan has been keeping secrets." My eyes widened at the accusation. Granted I am a private person, I hardly kept secrets, save for one. I deemed it highly improbable that my captain could deduce that I had achieved shikai.

"I wouldn't do such a thing, Kyouraku taicho." I responded coolly. I was not giving up my secret so easily.

"Do not lie Nanao. It's unbecoming of someone who seeks knowledge as much as you do."

Part of me saw what he was doing. He was goading me to get angry and lose composure. He wanted me to fight him. I wasn't going to be manipulated so easily. Two can play this game. I was surprised that he dropped the playful suffix to my name. I wonder if it was to catch me off guard. Another part of me was concerned about dealing with a captain, granted it's my pacifist captain. If I was to verbally joust with him, I needed to be careful as to be professional, still get my point across and not be rude. Fighting him I'm at a large disadvantage. Speed, experience, sheer size… actually in every manner, I think I'm at a disadvantage to him. I would be demolished in an actual battle against him. The only option left was to outwit him.

"Why would I keep secrets, Kyouraku taicho?" Put him on the spot on why he suspects me.

"I think you would be the best to answer that question." I mentally gave a dark chuckle. He's good at this, throwing the question back at me. I wasn't debating just anyone.

"I don't have an answer, sir."

"You do not lie well, Nanao-chan." I'm losing ground. "The division kitchens have gone over budget in the past three months. Isao-san has reported that you have not been in the office for extended periods of time yet still complete your portion of the paperwork. And despite your diligent efforts to mask your reiatsu, it has spiked to alarming levels from time to time during this time period. Enough so that new recruits will gasp at the sudden heaviness in the air. I know what all these things mean, Nanao-chan, so stop avoiding the issue."

He paused. I need to be more careful in the future. He knew I had shikai and he wanted to see it. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of calling Saimitsu just yet. I dared to look him in his eyes. I wonder if my eyes shone the same determination that was in his. I had to give him the best I had, since I failed at sidestepping the issue.

"Fight me, Nanao-chan."

I adjusted my stance to prepare for his approach. He readied too, but didn't draw his swords nor did he advance. He knew I preferred kido so was probably preparing for that. Kyouraku taicho has probably fought many people who favored kido and thus prepared for typical courses of action. I needed to surprise him. I called back the memories of all the kido strategy books I've read and the lessons I listened to at the academy. It turned out that our spar was nothing but a battle of wits. Taicho knew I read all the books on kido and strategy. It was really down to how creative he thought I was. I was satisfied to see surprise on his face when I did a string of chantless kido spells, but didn't let any of them touch him. After a few minutes of him dodging or deflecting my spells he pulled one on me. I blocked it easily. It was my turn to be surpised. Taicho was really skilled in kido and I had no previous inkling. Taicho has had ages to become better in any number of areas, but never hinted at kido. I wasn't as good as he was, but I was close. He did have speed and endurance on me so I was tiring quickly. Saimitsu quietly informed me that he was ready. He knew that his short blade wouldn't be effective against either blade of Kyouraku Taicho. He was referring to our new abilities. So I waited for another string of spells from my captain to release.

"Kashite kashoku, Saimitsu!" I quickly opened up the steel fan and stood in the line of fire. I absorbed the two destructive spells and waited for the oncoming binding spell. One tricky thing I learned that Saimitsu can do is reflect spells as well as absorb them. Which he looks so much like a mirror to begin with. Kyouraku taicho certainly was surprised when he was caught by his own binding spell and I shunpoed right in front of him with my fan aimed at him. I was breathing heavily and Taicho's eyes were wide, staring at my fan. Then he burst out laughing! Of all the things to do when you're cornered, he laughed. I released the spells, sealed Saimitsu and glared at him.

"Nanao-chan! That was wonderful. We need to do that again sometime. Only if you…" He paused.

"Only if I what, Kyouraku taicho?"

"Only if you become my fukutaicho." He grinned. "And don't tell me you haven't thought about it. You've been keeping company with Kaien-kun. He's such a bad influence, eavesdropping on certain captains." What doesn't he know?! So infuriating! But I was still shocked despite speculation on the issue.

"Only if you think my abilities are adequate for the position, Taicho."

He chuckled and told me he'll see me in the office.

Fukutaicho Ise Nanao of the 8th division. It sounds wonderful.

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A/N: Man, I'm really getting into long chapters here. Maybe the next few won't be as long. We'll see. As always, Enjoy!


	30. paperwork hunger

I never saw this much paperwork when Lisa-san was fukutaicho. Currently, the 8th's head offices were filled with precarious stacks taller than Kyouraku taicho. But Kyouraku taicho doesn't do that much paperwork, obviously. Then who put them up there?! I felled three of those stacks trying to get some of the reports down. Every one of my fingers has a paper cut. I ran out of two inkwells in one day and spilt another one, which wasn't entirely my fault. I blame the paper avalanches.

Maybe I should have told Taicho that I don't want to be a fukutaicho. The 8th had been doing fine for the past few years without one. Why all of a sudden do we need one? Was he waiting for me? That would be a ridiculous course of action. Yet Kyouraku taicho does have a flair for the irrational. He has told me there is a method to his apparent madness. I believe him. If you run into him while he's deep in thought, you'll see another side to him before he puts the smile up. He'll laugh and joke and flirt if they're girls. Or he'll recite some ridiculous poem about the beauty of nature.

But I'm doing so much for my division. I'm helping reorganize everything. While we've been doing fine, it wouldn't have continued too much longer. We need to update training and patrol schedules and our budget needs reworking. Especially the food line in the budget. That is something I will take the blame for. Taicho knows firsthand about that change.

Taicho came in and brought me lunch today, which I was very thankful for. I was so busy trying to at least make a dent on the reports today, but my stomach was grumbling ferociously. I wouldn't be surprised if it startled Kyouraku Taicho from his nap halfway across Seretei so much where he was prompted to bring lunch to me. He brought some rice, sushi and a sandwich. After he put it on my desk, I asked while he was there if he could bring some of the nearest stack to my desk. When he came back to my desk he stopped. I nearly laughed at his expression. He looks so funny when he's confused. Taicho put the stack down and started looking around the desk and in the drawers and when he didn't find what he was looking for he cocked his head to the side squinted his eyes and looked at me. Calmly I asked him what he was looking for.

"Where did it all go!? Did you hide it?"

"What? You mean the food you brought? I ate it, it was delicious."

"You hardly tasted it!"

I looked away and giggled a little, "I was really hungry."

He rolled his eyes and turned to leave saying "I better leave, or else the 8th division might lose its courageous and handsome captain to a ravenous adorable little fukutaicho."


	31. time management

Time management

This is getting difficult. With long days trying to catch up with the paperwork and nights training with Saimitsu is starting to catch up with me. Dark circles ring my eyes when I inspect my reflection in the morning. Mornings are a peaceful time and typically I enjoy them. Right now though, they are my least favorite time when I'm as groggy as I have been.

I don't think any of the other seated members have noticed a change I my behavior yet. Not with how much paperwork I've delegated to them. It still leaves me a solid twelve hour day to make any visual progress in my new office. Though I sense Kyouraku taicho is starting to get suspicious about my well being. He doesn't do paperwork that much, he only comes in about an hour or so a day and checks over the small stack of papers I leave on his desk for his final OK and signature. I'm sure with how observant he is, Taicho will say something soon.

I need to find time to eat too. Honestly, this zanpakuto of mine is an abyss for anything edible. Not only does he absorb energy and knowledge, but he absorbs food as well. I'm surprised I haven't passed out from hunger yet. Plus he insists on training for at least three hours every night. That leaves nine hours to eat and sleep. With how much I need to eat, I don't get enough sleep. I tried negotiating with Saimitsu about three hours and sometimes he concedes to only two. While I admire his work ethic, it's leaving me exhausted. At least we make progress.

At least after a month of this, I've seen some fruits to my efforts. I've discovered that at least a quarter of my office has a hardwood floor. Logically this means about three more months of this routine. I don't think I can handle this pace much longer. I really need a nap right now.


	32. coffee

Taicho caught me napping in the office. I must have fallen asleep between everything that's been going on. He offered that I take a few days off to get some sleep and eat. He chuckled as he asked about how much I've eaten lately. Apparently he was not satisfied with how much it was. I declined his offer of vacation. Then he told me if I don't take time off, that he would send me on a week-long solo mission to the real world to cleanse souls. He'd make it an order if necessary. Taicho's threats to order something are not empty threats. At least I would be useful if I took the mission. I was a bit concerned about how I fared during my last mission. He returned that there was only yourself to rely on during these missions, so you had to pull through. Plus I could use some experience. At least he told me I had a communication device if I needed backup.

The next day I made my way to the real world. I could sleep during the day and walk the streets at night searching for hollows and lost souls. Saimitsu and I connected well during these times. I walked by this interesting place that had a picture of a mug and a brown liquid producing steam on the window. It looked warm and inviting. I took note where this place was and to find it when it was open.

It was a small café and they sold this brown beverage. Many other people were ordering it in the morning, so I decided to try the rich smelling liquid. It was hot and bitter, but delicious. There were many names for variations of the beverage, but they all fell under the category of "coffee."

Shortly after, I found myself less tired, almost as if I received a second wind. I asked the store clerk about it and what makes it work so well. He looked at me fairly strangely, so I'm assuming this must be common real world knowledge. He said that caffeine is what makes coffee work and that it's a stimulant and somewhat addictive. Typically I'm not one for addictions, but this coffee could be beneficial. I stay up late with Saimitsu but still need to get to the office on time and functioning. I could almost see an empty office. I think I'll allow myself this one vice and brought a large sack-full of ground coffee and a coffee machine back with me to Seretei at the end of the week.

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A/N: I love coffee. I had this chapter written before the majority of the current chapters. I'm sure that Nanao will love coffee too.


	33. pride and paperwork

My office surprised me when I first came in after my mission. I was expecting that nothing would have changed since I was gone, but the room was now one third empty. I wonder if Kyouraku taicho rallied the officers to work extra hard last week. That was very kind of him to do for me. I bet the officers may not be as thrilled. They've earned at least a few days off.

I expected that Kyouraku taicho would come in earlier than normal today. He would want to check on "his cute little fukutaicho," as he's come to call me, after her first solo mission. And "earlier than normal" means about 11 am. Taicho prefers using the morning for more productive things in his mind like "savoring nature" or sleeping in. Granted he's not the one doing all the paperwork. I won't complain too much. If you've been around as long as he has, the hundred thousands of reports you've done probably blur together. He still has to sign papers though, which he's good enough to come in for an hour or so every day to sign.

He told me it's nice to see me back in the office again. I promptly thanked him for helping out with the stacks in the office. He simply waved it off. He didn't waste too much on small talk and asked me how my mission went. I told him I defeated about 23 hollows, about 3 each night, and cleansed 14 pluses. My patrol covered a moderately populated area. He was happy to know that I was uninjured and did well during my mission. Then he noticed the sacks over in the corner and asked about them. I related my experience with coffee in the real world. I actually was about to set it up and make some, so I offered him a cup. He accepted. After I got it all set up we sat by my desk since the couch was still covered in papers and had a cup of coffee together. He said he liked it, much better than powdered green tea. I was a bit surprised, because I don't like that either.

After a few minutes, I finally broached a subject that was nagging the back of my mind for over a month now. I wanted to know about our spar together. Typically he hates fighting in front of children, much less fighting them. So why was he so eager to fight me? I know he went easy on me, but did he let me win? He chuckled when I mentioned it and told me he was wondering when I would ask him.

He looked up at the ceiling and started saying how he thought I was different. That I have a strong-willed drive tempered by a level head. He explained that's why he was trying to taunt me to see if I would be emotional during a confrontation. On the winning issue, he looked over to me and admitted to going easy, which I knew, but that my shikai really did take him by surprise. He thought that it was beautiful. He smiled and told me that my performance made him proud. "But next time is a whole other matter…" I looked up to see his face and it had playful air. Then he reached for something in his uniform and pulled out the 8th division fukutaicho badge and handed it to me. "I found this while you were on your mission. I know you will treat it well." I stared at it in awe and stood up and bowed "Arigatou, Kyouraku taicho." He chuckled again as he was leaving and told me there's no need to be so formal. He didn't know just how happy this made me.

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A/N: I am a machine. I blame all the cups of coffee I've had, lol. Thanks for all the feedback so far. It's been helpful!


	34. bird of paradise

I never really thought about the fukutaicho badge before I received my own. I saw Lisa-san wear it, but didn't give it a second thought back then. I was so much younger.

All of the badges have a flower on it. I actually think it's silly that a warrior would wear a flower symbol on their sleeve as a sign of rank. Flowers are delicate and battles are harsh and destructive. But each division has a different one. The 8th's is a bird of paradise.

First off, I think the name is impractical. It is a flower, not a bird. But there must be a reason behind it. I went to the library to learn more about why the 8th division used the bird of paradise and what it all meant.

The bird of paradise is named after the actual bird because when it blossoms, they look similar. It originated in Africa, but since then has propagated in other warm climates. The bird itself sounds magnificent. While it looks mostly chocolate brown, there are patches of yellow and iridescent green. When the plumes move, they make a variety of colors. That sounds like our division, especially Tiacho. There are all sorts of different people here in the 8th but without them, the 8th can't be itself. Taicho keeps surprising me with how many sides he has to himself. Living in the 8th really is a colorful experience.

But in the language of flowers, I haven't found really one answer to what it means. Some flowers just have one meaning, but slightly different ones for each color. Yet the bird of paradise could mean "joyfulness" or "magnificence." Other sources refer to it as a symbol of paradise. There was one book that said it meant: "Everything is obtained."

I would have disregarded it if it hadn't sounded so profound. It almost sounded like something Taicho would say. It was actually true on a variety of levels. It could refer to Taicho. He has pretty much every skill a shinigami could have and all the sake he wants. All in all he seems happy. Or it could refer to the division as a whole. We have everything that we need in the 8th. At least, I feel that way. They are my family. I grew up with them. If we lose any member of our division, not one of us isn't touched by their absence.

Or maybe it could mean what we strive for. It's impossible to have everything. But each of us seeks to be stronger, to protect better, to be more kind. Even if we don't have everything were happy to try to obtain it. For instance, we don't have Lisa-san here anymore, but we have friends to comfort us and cheer us up.

Only after I was happy with what I found did I put on my badge. I will bring honor on it, just like Lisa-san did. Or at least, I will strive to. I'll have to grow into it, though. It's twice the width of my arm.


	35. new responsibility

I went to my first vice captain meeting today. Kaien fukutaicho grinned at me when he saw me come in. "Well I'm not surprised! It's Ise Nanao-san! I should have bet someone that you'd become fukutaicho soon, would've made a nice hunk a change. It's good to see you here, Nanao-san." Kaien-san always makes me smile. I'm sure Ukitake taicho had told him before we met today. He asked me how my new office was treating me. He was probably aware of the large pile of papers that accumulated in Lisa-san's absence and I haven't been to the 13th in some time. He inquired on how I'm handling it and make sure I was doing fine. I replied that I was doing well, the office was slowly but surely clearing out. He ruffled my hair "Good." I took a moment to fix my hair and sat through the meeting.

Everyone welcomed me, some warmer than others. I was somewhat surprised that not all the divisions had gotten new fukutaichos yet. I thought I was the last one. Other divisions were hurt much harder than others. Most of the divisions that lost one of their two senior officers had coped well and have been able to keep their divisions running. The 5th was coping well, Aizen-fukutaicho passed the captaincy test recently and has appointed a new vice captain that's as young as me. I'm not sure what it is but there is something that doesn't sit well with me about the 5th's fukutaicho. His smile doesn't seem right. On the other hand I might be imagining things. The 9th and 12th don't have new captains yet. I have a feeling that may change soon. Those vice captains weren't very talkative and had a determined air about them. They could have been closer to their captains than I was to Lisa-san. I thought losing Lisa-san was difficult. I don't know what I would have done if the 8th lost Kyouraku taicho too. I'm starting to realize just how important my new position is to my division and Seretei.

We didn't cover too many things that I didn't already know about. Just some budgetary reminders and current events that were already covered in the memos released earlier this week. It was almost unnecessary to meet. But it was good to see the other fukutaichos. I don't see too many people from other divisions besides the 13th.

Kaien-san chatted with me after the meeting. He said that's how these things usually run. He then told me that I needed a break and wanted me to meet someone. I was surprised because I already met a number of people already that day. We walked over to the 13th division and into one of the offices. Behind one of the desks there was this kind-looking woman doing some paperwork. I never actually met her, but I had seen her around the 13th division when I've visited. He introduced her as Miyako-san, the new 3rd seat of the 13th. His behavior changed a bit when he introduced us, not much though. We conversed for a bit after Kaien-san introduced me as the new fukutaicho of the 8th. I liked her very much and she seems as kind as she looks. After almost a full half hour, Kaien politely asked me if I needed to get back to my paperwork. As much as I liked talking to Miyako-san, I really did need to get back to work. Kaien-san said he'd walk me back because Kyouraku taicho would have his head if anything happened to "his cute little fukutaicho."

Once we left the building, Kaien-san turned to me and asked what I thought of her. I told that I liked her very much. "Good, 'cause I'm going to propose to her." That would explain why he watched her as intently as he did while she and I were conversing. I asked him why he wanted my opinion if he felt that strongly about her. "Over the years you've kinda become a little shinigami sister of mine. And I think you have a good head about you for these sorts of things. But don't tell my actual sister that. One of us might get hurt and I bet will be it's me."

I think they'll be good together. And I'm glad Kaien-san values my opinion that much. Back to work for me, I have a duty to my division.

* * *

A/N: I don't like this chapter as much. Part of it is that Nanao doesn't actually know who is in the vice captian meeting. On another note, I'm looking for suggestions on how Nanao becomes businesslike. I have a few ideas, but maybe you guys have some better ideas. Hope you enjoy!


	36. taste of the journey ahead

I received a summons from the 1st division today. I've been the vice captain of the 8th for about half a year at this point. I actually I'm surprised I wasn't summoned before now. I suppose Taicho being a former student of Yamamoto Genryusai soutaicho has its benefits. Such as postponing such things until a better time. After finishing the tremendous amount of paperwork left in Lisa-san's absence would be a good time, like I did recently. My desk is a beautiful combination of visible and organized. It makes me feel accomplished.

It was a bit of an intimidating experience going to the 1st division, which is why I'm glad Kyouraku taicho came with me. He didn't want "Yama-jii scaring off his little, pretty, efficient Nanao-chan." We walked there since it was a nice early summer day. I wish I would hurry up and grow more. Following Taicho is still a bit difficult even when he's taking his time. Actually, I'm not sure if I've seen him rush before. But I bet he is one of the fastest shinigami if he has a reason.

Yamamoto-soutaicho looked much older than I expected he would, but didn't act how he looked. I had heard and read much about him but never actually met him. With all things considered though, it makes sense that he's on the older side. Kyouraku taicho is a couple millennia old and Yamamoto soutaicho was his teacher in the academy. There were also lots of books on him too. While he didn't look mean, he didn't spare too much kindness in his demeanor. I liked how he wrapped his beard with ribbon, though.

Kyouraku taicho let me go in first and I stopped and bowed in the middle of the room in front of the Soutaicho. He asked me a few questions about how I am finding my duties. I replied I was grateful to have such an opportunity to serve my division and Seretei. I mentioned something about how I wish to be as dedicated as Lisa-san to the division, which was a bad idea. Yamamoto would have inundated me with questions regarding my loyalties if Taicho had not rested his hand upon my shoulder and interrupted. His hand was really warm. He spoke on my behalf of my loyalties and abilities, citing our spar just before I became vice captain and the innumerable times I have worked myself in both training and completing division paperwork to the point of falling asleep and muttering reports in my dreams.

Taicho's voice was much different than its usual relaxed tone. At first it was strained and almost… angry. I read all the reports and rulings about the incident when a large portion of the Gotei's leadership was accused of experimenting with hollowification. I vaguely remember the rumors and the uproar it caused, but my perception of it was muted by my gloom over losing Lisa-san. Apparently it was a huge controversy and underlying plots and schemes. Something about the whole thing didn't sit well with me, but I knew nothing concrete of the whole matter until Lisa-san had been gone for years. Kyouraku taicho knew all this and sounded like he was upset at his mentor that he would hint at me participating in any of it. I was only a small child more concerned about reading with Lisa-san than the line between shinigami and hollows.

When Taicho moved to the topic of my loyalty to the division he sounded proud. It rang with such determination that dared to be questioned. He conceded that I was very young, but had surprising potential. I looked up at his face and saw that he meant every bit of it. My chest swelled with the feeling of being praised for my abilities. I will do everything in my power to maintain the ability to bestow honor on my rank, division and especially my captain.

The soutaicho seemed a bit interested in the spar we had. He asked a few more questions about the matter. I explained I favored kido and that my shikai reflects that. Taicho snorted at my unintentional pun. I looked up at him and asked him what the matter was. He told me "nothing" with a very guilty expression on his face. I gave him a serious glare and commanded "Do not lie, Kyouraku taicho, it's unbecoming of someone of your rank." He stared at me for a second and then started laughing. Yamamoto almost smiled at my comment and announced:

"I wish you the best of luck Ise Nanao fukutaicho. You have a challenging job ahead of you as you probably already know. You are dismissed."

It was a sudden dismissal, but I wasn't going to complain. Now that I look back on the experience, I can't believe that I had the audacity to behave like that to my captain in front of the Soutaicho. Yet it felt entirely natural to act that way. Both apparently enjoyed my reaction. I wonder if Kyouraku taicho knew the issue about Lisa-san was going to come up, prompting him to come along. Maybe Yamamoto soutaicho wanted to know if I would be able to cope with a captain that does very little work and have the strength of a vice captain. He also could be concerned about his former student and having someone that can adequately support him in his duties. There are hundreds of reasons, but I glad that he found me satisfactory at this point in time.

* * *

A/N: Hehehe, I'm excited for the next part in Nanao's life. It'll be a bit more rocky than it was before, but she's going to get some new friends to share it with soon. :-D But unfortunately, I'm starting a full time job this week for the summer, so don't expect I'll be writing as much. Especially not at the rate of 6 chapters in 24 hours. Whee! As always, hope you enjoy!

PS: good news update, in a basic outline for future chapters, it looks like there are _at least_ 30 more chapters. (That's part of the reason for the good mood I'm in)


	37. weight of leadership

Yesterday I took several of my fellow shinigami of the 8th on a mission. It still feels strange to call them my subordinates. I would feel as if I'm looking down on them which is the last thing I want to do. It was a tough mission. We encountered several menos grande. I can take one down without much difficulty, but my comrades cannot. They are not as strong, but they've had more experience leading to strong opinions that varied from my own. Which worked against me horribly.

I decided we should split, the three of them working as a team to work on the closest menos grande while I went to defeat the second and hopefully distract the third. If I got to the last one first, no problem. But if they finished before me, they could have either lent me support or gone ahead. Logically it made a considerable amount of sense, but they felt as if I was looking down upon them. I was just allocating strengths appropriately. The biggest of the men, Yuu-san, acted as their spokesperson and refused my orders. He told the other two to go on ahead. The other two ran off to take on a menos grande on their own. He just shrugged and ran off to the last hollow calling back to me "You may be the vice captain of the 8th, but I'm not going to let a little girl boss me around."

I wasn't sure what to feel at first. Anger for his insubordination? Frustration at my inability to lead effectively? Fear that I may never gain the respect of the shinigami I'm supposed to lead? I didn't have enough time to figure what to feel before the first two fell and couldn't defend themselves. I yelled at the stupid man to take care of them and get them back home. He paused. So I yelled again. I never yelled like that before. I guess my subconscious decided to be angry then. He complied and he better have or else I wouldn't know what I would have done.

As Yuu-san was taking our two comrades back to Soul Society, I finished the menos grande as quickly as I could. Once I finished, I returned to the 4th to check on my comrades. I was surpised that Yuu-san wasn't there. They were no worse for wear, they should be back either later tonight or tomorrow. That didn't help my anger like I had hoped. I guess once I get angry I will stay angry for some time. Maybe that's why I try not to get angry at anyone. I needed to do something. I went back to the office and got ahead on next week's paperwork hoping to cool down. I was still flustered. I'm glad Taicho didn't come in. I didn't want him to see me like this.

I only turned in for the night when I was totally exhausted. When I woke up I was still incensed at the man. I summoned Yuu-san to my office. He swaggered in. It didn't help his situation. I glared and quietly asked why he was so hesitant to follow my orders. He scoffed and told me that he doesn't think that little girls should be leading divisions. He felt that my orders didn't make sense and disobeyed because he felt that I wouldn't be able to handle a hollow that size. I was a fukutaicho only for paperwork.

I lost it. I raised my voice and whipped off my glasses. "You think I'm not capable of my job? My duty to my division, including you? You think I'm just… a paper pusher?! I am more than a secretary! I am a vice captain of the 8th division of the Gotei 13! I directly serve one of the strongest captains in soul society! You think Kyouraku taicho would permit a helpless little girl skip in and do his paperwork?! How you belittle our captain! Not to mention the superior that gave you a direct order! You dirty the title of shinigami, the 8th division and your own honor! Two of your comrades were sent to the 4th and you didn't even stay to see how they would fair! And they were lucky! They could have died and you didn't care!" At this point my reiatsu was almost suffocating the man. "And since I'm only a paper pusher, I guess I'll push the papers of your transfer orders right on through to the 1st division if you can't handle taking orders from this little girl." My chest was heaving as I finished and glared. "I expect your answer tomorrow morning." I turned and left him as the puddle he had become in front of my desk. I was swift leaving the office, I wanted to go someplace to collect my thoughts. I passed Kyouraku taicho right as I left the office and he looked curiously at me and called my name. I ignored him and stared straight ahead. I heard him go into my office and ask the puddle what happened. I was satisfied at his gasping answer filled with awe and maybe a bit of fear:

"…She took off her glasses."

* * *

A/N: woot! So I have a long commute to work this summer, so be looking for song inspired fics. There will be a Relient K song featured soon. Kudos to whoever can guess which one it is!


	38. a new blossom

Kyouraku taicho confronted me about the incident that happened a few days ago. I easily diverted the subject to some unfinished paperwork that I needed him to sign. I adjusted my glasses to see if he would react at all. His eyes widened a little. I had to fight a grin from taking over my face. Oh this is going to be fun.

To further avoid the subject, I announced that I was bringing some paperwork over to the 10th division. I grabbed the stack of papers and swiftly left the office. I really wonder if Taicho sees through me sometimes. The incident with Yuu was legitimate, the glasses comment he made was not my doing. He probably is letting me deflect the issue because he can make a good guess on what really happened.

When I arrived to the 10th division, I found myself in the middle of a welcome social. The 10th recently obtained new recruits and were celebrating the end of their orientation week. There were some interesting faces but one really stuck out to me. She was a pretty girl with strawberry blonde hair and light grey eyes. I think she was a bit peculiar in the sense that she exuded life and energy. It made her seem like my captain. Very much like him. In other manners too. When you glance at her, she looks happy and care free, but if you check her eyes, the eyes always tell the most, you can see what she really feels. While she looked confident, she looked lost and almost forgotten. I wonder what she's looking for? I don't like when people look that way, it makes me feel sad too.

I went up and introduced myself to Matsumoto Rangiku. Her eyes softened slightly when I approached her, but my initial impression of her feelings remained. I liked her, despite the underlying sadness. Maybe she will get along with my captain… I'll have to introduce them sometime. I really enjoyed our conversation. I tried gauging her age but it proved difficult. At times she seemed younger but others, it seemed like she's more than she lets on. Maybe I'll try cheering her up, like when Lisa-san left, I wanted to make Taicho feel better. The 8th division is generally a happy bunch of shinigami, it might benefit her if some of it rubs off on her. I'll make it a point to be available during lunch from now on.


	39. speculative reflections

I was having a real hard time focusing on the paperwork today. The summer weather was just so tempting, but I would feel guilty leaving the office. There's lots of paperwork that's due on the 1st which is coming up soon. So I settled on just sitting at my desk and letting my mind wander. I reflected on my new acquaintance Matsumoto-san. We've enjoyed a few lunches together at this point. She has a peculiar taste in food.

She said something that got me thinking. Something about having a feeling you can't pin down. Like things went this way before, or that you knew that this was going to happen and if you had remembered what was on the tip of your tongue, you could change everything. Hopefully for the better. I would say they're like echoes resounding still from your last life. But as you grow older here, they become fainter.

It made me wonder, what were my previous lives like? Was I like how I am right now? Did it affect who I am now? I don't remember much of anything from my last life in the real world. Would remembering help me? I'm content with how things are going currently. Saimitsu and I have been working hard, I've been meeting new people, I am good at my job and I serve a decent captain. There have been days where things have been tough, but I cannot find fault with my circumstances.

Could Saimitsu be someone I knew in a previous life? If he was, was he important to me? I would think that he was because my soul takes his form. I must have cared a great deal about him if Saimitsu, a reflection of my soul in the next life, resembles him.

Today really wasn't as productive as I hoped. Much more speculative and thoughtful though. I've also gotten the feeling that Matsumoto-san is lazy like Taicho. I hope today wasn't evidence of either of their personalities rubbing off on me. I really have too much paperwork to get done.

* * *

A/N: eh, not a fabulous chapter, I actually switched it with another cause it didn't fit quite right. And I apologize for those have gotten used to longer chapters. I have to get up wicked early tomorrow so I cut my writing time a bit short. (Maybe I'll disobey myself and write that side story I've been thinking of)

On another note, I keep all of the finished chapters in one document and today I checked how long Nanao's book is so far. 28 solid pages single spaced and no spaces between paragraphs! wow! I wonder if she'll get to 100....


	40. til you drop

Matsumoto-san introduced me to a most wonderful thing. She convinced me to take a day off on the second after I finished the month's reports. She came surprisingly early for her to pick me up and head to the real world. Usually she gets up in the late morning, like Taicho, but Matsumoto-san seemed excited for her about our trip . She asked if I ever had gone shopping before and when I had told her I never had, she squealed with delight. She explained that some of the women in her division took her shopping recently and she thought that I might like it too.

he bubbled with different shops we could visit and all the things we could buy on the way to the gate. She also talked about this thing that humans had called fashion. By the way it sounds, it seems that people change what type of clothing they wear every few years which I think is impractical. If a piece of clothing still looks nice and is functional, shouldn't you still wear it?

But once I saw all the shops I changed my mind. There were so many interesting items! Matsumoto-san and I tried on all sorts of furisodes, kimonos and yukutas. I was mostly looking for a nice yukuta to wear at the Tanabata festival. This is the first year I'm required to go since I am an executive officer of the Gotei 13 now and would prefer not to wear my uniform. I usually spend the day at home with a birthday present to myself like a new book or a really long bath. Come to think of it, I do that mostly because I've had no one to share my birthday with and no one has ever asked. If Lisa-san had ever asked, I'm sure she would have done special, but it wasn't something that our friendship really needed. I'm certain with all the time I've been spending with Taicho and Matsumoto-san, I won't be able to keep my birthday to myself too much longer.

I did find a yukuta that I really liked. It was indigo with bird of paradise flowers on it. I had to explain the meaning behind the flower to Matsumoto-san. While she seemed surprised initially, she smiled in understanding. I purchased it along with a matching green obi and new kanzashi for my hair. It's grown so much since Taicho first gave me that purple ribbon years ago. I started using it as a bookmark once my hair grew too long for it to keep it all in. My hair has gotten so long since then, but no one can tell since I keep it up and out of the way all the time.

I'm excited to wear my new things at Tanabata soon. And I really liked this shopping trip. It was quite enjoyable. I think I'll have to ask Matsumoto-san to convince me to go with her more often.


	41. tanabata birthday

I am thoroughly surprised. I believed that I was going to have a stressful time talking to all sorts of people and not be at home reading a book that I've been meaning to for months. I suppose I can always read them later because they'll be there every other day of the year. But really Tanabata was not as horrible as I had made it out to be.

There were stands where there were festival games and delicious food. I'm so glad that they had sweet bean pastries. Even if that was the only positive thing about the night, it still would have been worth it. I absolutely love them and those were the absolute best I've ever had.

I'm not sure how many I had before Kyouraku taicho found me loitering around that festival stand. While he was his normal jovial self, he seemed a bit thrown off. Taicho had a weird expression on his face while he was looking at me. Maybe I look weird in it. I guess me wearing something other than my uniform was a bit surprising for him. If that was the case, he wasn't the only surprised one. He was wearing a pink yukuta with floating sakura petals. While the garment was different, the color was the same. Does my Taicho only wear pink? I wonder why. He looked good in it and at least he wasn't wearing that silly hat of his. Actually, he looked really good. Maybe pink just works for him.

Taicho asked If I had ever been to a Tanabata festival before. I told him no, but that I'm familiar with its proceedings. He was quite confused by that. What else could I possibly be doing, he asked. I let it slip that I spend the evening on my own as a gift to myself. Taicho targeted the issue so efficiently. "Why would you give yourself a gift on Tanabata, Nanao-chan?" I muttered that it was because it was my birthday. His face turned up into a large grin. I would rather not know what thoughts or plans he was making up now that he knew my birthday.

Matsumoto-san found Taicho and me at this point, so I introduced her to him. They seemed to get along very well as I suspected they would. They're so similar. I learned that she's working her way up the ranks fairly quickly over in the 10th. I'm glad she's a capable fighter.

We went over to the booth where we could write wishes for the year on the most brilliantly colored paper I've seen. Well, most of the paper I actually see is white, so maybe I think any color is better than the reports I see. I wished to be able to lead my division better both in paperwork and in battle better. I don't feel like I am doing enough for them. I hung it up along with the other wishes and admired how all of the papers look so beautiful in the calm summer breeze.

We visited many of the festival game booths. I'm not very talented in any of them, but Taicho made them seem easier than breathing. I wonder how many Tanabata festivals he's been to. Taicho offered to get us a drink before fireworks. Matsumoto-san was all for it, but I was a bit more hesitant. I've never had a drink before. I decided I would try it and if I didn't like it, I wouldn't drink any more. Yet if I did, I would only have one cup. I've heard stories of its effects and experienced them through Kyouraku Taicho. Turns out I don't like it, but Taicho swears it's an acquired taste. He's certainly acquired it.

Some of the 10th division members spotted Matsumoto-san and asked if she would join them watching the display together. She said her goodbyes to us and ran off with them leaving me with Taicho. He turned to me and told me he has the best spot for viewing the fireworks. He was right, the small hill was quiet since it was separated from the main festivities and the trees opened up to the sky perfectly to reveal the show. I don't think I've ever had my breath taken away before either. It certainly was a wonderful if not interesting night of firsts.

Taicho made sure he walked me home to protect me from dangerous drunks that could hurt his cute little vice captain. I'm assured him that I would be fine but he insisted that he would rather not take chances. We walked silently for most of the way. I was still going over how fun the evening was. He hoped that I had fun when we got to my door. I informed him I did, bid him goodnight and thanks for walking me home.

This was my best birthday yet.


	42. detailed observations

Recently I realized that I've been more observation of peculiar things. Well I've always been fairly observant, lately it's been more of how I feel about certain observations. I don't like it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I became conscious of this new awareness when I went over to the 13th to bring some papers for Taicho to sign. I knew he was going to be there all day since Ukitake taicho wasn't feeling that well. When I got there, I found the two of them sitting outside on the lawn. It looked like Ukitake taicho was doing much better than he was this morning. He was drinking some tea while Taicho was lounging in the sun. I paused before I called his name.

It was that pause that bothered me. During that hesitation, I noticed how picturesque Taicho looked lying there. His hair just looked so handsome in the sunlight. And the way he was resting on his side was also distracting. Not to mention how his uniform was more open than usual revealing much more of his muscular chest. The way he was resting his head on his arm emphasized his strong jaw line too.

It took a moment to compose myself. I really hope Ukitake taicho didn't notice. Or if he did, at least have the decency to pretend it didn't happen. There was work to be done and I don't have time to be distracted by captains lounging in the sun like that. It wouldn't do to have Ukitake think less of me, or worse, tell Kyouraku-taicho of my lapse in professional behavior.

I really had to force myself to focus when he greeted me in a low voice. It just sounded so… I really don't know how to describe it. Whatever makes my cheeks burn, that's what I felt. I was able to get him to quickly sign the papers and take my leave politely, even if I did seem rushed. But that can be brushed off as needing to meet deadlines. I'll need to have something thought up to cover for my new emotions if this becomes a habit. Or I need more self control on these emotions.

* * *

A/N: awwww, Nanao is growing up! Even if she's not quite sure about it yet. Any suggestions for entries? There is nice flexible area here in Nanao's life. Let me know what you think! :-P


	43. data analysis

I've overheard conversations of other female shinigami in the division while discussing the attractiveness of males. One was accused of having a "crush" on a particular male and her face reddened. The accuser then supported her claim by pointing out that she was "blushing" when asked about the subject. The other girls agreed. The one that apparently had an infatuation for a particular person hid her face in her hands and denied the accusation. Yet, it was fairly clear to a passerby that she did maintain some sort of emotions relating to the male in question.

After I had continued a first few minutes, I stopped. Was that what I felt last week when I saw my captain lounging at the 13th? Did I have a… crush… on my captain? My face heated up and blushed probably like that embarrassed girl. This is so unprofessional. What do I do about this? Most emotions fluctuate or fade with time, so maybe all I have to do is wait it out. And no one will be none the wiser of this embarrassing little bout of emotion.

I suppose if anyone found out, it wouldn't be too horrible. Anyone that has eyes could tell that Kyouraku taicho is an attractive man. Well, maybe not Tousen-san, from what I've heard, he's blind. I wonder how he fights then. He must be good at detecting reiatsu. But no one would blame me for thinking feeling that way about my captain. Except me, it just feels so wrong…

I'll just have to wait this ridiculous thing out.

* * *

A/N: Sorry I haven't been updating as much. I'm not channeling Nanao that well recently. Today I'll try and get a few chapters out!


	44. down to business

I'm not exactly sure what it is, but for some reason, the paperwork seems to have reproduced this week. I've been spending 4 extra hours of paperwork each day and the next day the amount I left the night before appears to have doubled. I'll have to discuss that with Taicho. On second assessment, I'll go straight to the 1st division about it. I still haven't eliminated this silly little infatuation I have on Kyouraku taicho. It's distracting when he comes into the office to check on me. I have to fight to not let my inappropriate emotions show.

It's really become a hindrance to completing all the paperwork. It throws me off my paperwork rhythm so much that it takes a cup of coffee or two before I can focus properly again. While this… issue… is a contributing factor to the extra hours but I'm not mistaken that there is more to be done. Usually I finish the day's work around 3 in the afternoon but recently I've been forced to have late dinners. Mondays I take care of budgetary issues, Tuesdays are for the completion of any reports, Wednesday is for assessment of the division's abilities, Thursdays are for creating the training schedules based off of the assessment and then Friday is for double-checking the week's work and then creating duty schedules. It just works so nicely. It took a long time to create that schedule.

Not that I consider it, it's almost been a year since I've been promoted to vice captain. So much has happened since then. I completed my first solo mission, I became truly angry for the first time, I met Yamamoto Soutaicho, Miyako-san, Kaien-san's new fiancée, and Matsumoto-san, andI celebrated my birthday with Taicho. I wonder if it's always going to be like this or if it's just something that will settle with time. Time certainly moves quickly as the vice captain of the 8th. Before last year, time seemed to go so much more slowly. It's actually been quite awhile since I first was recruited into the 8th. Thinking about it, it was about 2 years before Lisa-san left. That was 6 years ago now. I still miss her. At least it's not as sharp a pain and more like a dull ache when I think about her. I try not to wonder about her current status since she technically is considered a criminal of Soul Society, but that doesn't change how I feel.

I suppose I should speak to the administration in the 1st division before tomorrow. I do not wish to see more paperwork tomorrow morning.

* * *

A/N: bad Word 2007! Thanks to those who caught that techno babble in the last chapter. I really didn't mean to put actual data in the "data analysis" chapter, lol. Let me know if Nanao is sounding older at all, she should be 16ish at this point in time.


	45. suppression

It's the fourth week of this foolish thing. I've managed to easily suppress any physical indicators of these...frustrating... emotions. I've found the trick is to remind myself exactly just how ineffectual my captain is in the office. He neglects the necessary paperwork for the division, he naps frequently in the afternoon, often on the opposite end of Seireitei, and he drinks abhorrent quantities of alcohol. Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't died of alcohol poisoning. This tactic seems to work for now, I just hope it continues to be so, or else I'll have to reassess my approach to the matter.

I've also learned to slightly ignore him and his silly comments. I keep my head down and look like I'm continuing the paperwork while he tells me how adorable and hardworking I am. While he's always told me these things, my emotions are starting to respond differently. If thinking about his negative aspects are not fully effective, my head down helps hide any facial expressions I let slip. The few minutes he comes into the office are torture. Even after he leaves to go visiting Ukitake taicho or take a nap, it still takes a few moments to regain focus. I've had to repeat a mantra to focus again: I do not have foolish and inappropriate feelings for my captain. I will not blush nor show any indication of such unprofessionalism in his presence or discussions regarding him. I am the vice captain of the 8th, I am strong and worthy in my position and will not be compromised by such a frivolous issue.

I've asked Saimitsu about these feelings a few times and he always redirects the conversation elsewhere. There's something in his eyes that indicates he is aware of information regarding the issue. I dislike those moments with Saimitsu. Sometimes I'm befuddled by his behavior. Why would he know more than me? I've checked the books in my inner world and found nothing that would hint at underlying causes. He is supposed to be a reflection of my soul and while I understand I read profusely, his actions indicate a different knowledge. I'll have to develop a new plan to learn this about Saimitsu.

If I cannot find a suitable course of action, perhaps I will just train after I finish my paperwork for the day. There are some new kido spells I would like to try. Saimitsu has been acting peculiarly, so I could discuss that with him if he doesn't avoid the subject again. I've also been feeling a little sluggish lately, it must be a result of sitting in the office too much lately, so shunpo could use a bit of work too.


	46. locked away

Finally, I've moved past the silly fluttering of the stomach. I can get back to work in peace. I still notice the positive aspects of Taicho, I've been able to function without hindrance from any unwanted feelings he may invoke. Like yesterday when he stuck his face so close to mine and surprised me. After the initial shock, I was able to keep the heat from building in my face. I ignored him so well that he was concerned after I didn't answer him the first few times he called my name.

His breath was warm and had a hint of sake to it. It was 3 in the afternoon! Did he really start that early, or did he drink so much the day before where it still lingered? While I find the act detestable, I will admit there is a gross sense of accomplishment in the fact. Maybe he has drank so much where sake has become an integral part of his circulatory system. I would find it an intriguing research project if it only didn't concern Kyouraku taicho.

I hope he hasn't noticed the change in my demeanor. Or at least, if he does, that he can attribute it to something ordinary, like too much paperwork, not enough sleep, or even adolescence at this point. Actually, adolescence might be an unwise thing to mention to Kyouraku Taicho. I sincerely wish not to even contemplate what sort of remarks he has to make on the matter. Probably another sake-induced inappropriate comment.

While I can control my physical response, the emotional one is taking much more effort to manage. I've tried several approaches thus far and none seems to be effective. I'd rather not have these sorts of issues complicating my existence. It just utilizes too many resources like time and energy for my comfort. I'm fairly certain that Taicho would say that "It is a beautiful and mysterious part of existence, Nanao-chan. Don't fight against what come naturally, you should embrace it~!" I do not have a poetic perception of life here in Seireitei, so that simply is not adequate. Plus it is unprofessional.

Maybe I'll consult Matsumoto-san on the issue. She seems to have knowledge or at least intuition on these things. I'll either have to come up with some alternative story to get the information from her or make her swear to never utter even a hint of the matter to anyone or anything. It sounds like she loves gossip and sake as much as my captain does which does not make for a good combination. I'll have to give it more consideration before I actually execute this plan.

I believe for now I can manage with my current level of control. At least no one else knows at this point.

* * *

A/N: hehe, or at least she thinks so! My muse is bouncing around Nanao's lifetime and so I've working on several other chapters later in life. I've also gotten into a better daily routine, so I'll be getting better about updating! yay!


	47. apparent chemistry

I spoke with Masumoto…I mean Rangiku-san, she insisted that I address her by her given name. She wondered when I was going to say anything about Kyouraku taicho. She stated that it was obvious when she first observed the two of us interacting with each other at Tanabata. It may not have been apparent to others, she explained, but if you knew how it felt, you know how to look for it. I wanted to inquire for more information regarding the issue, but the look in her eyes begged me not to ask. I will not coerce her to share part of her life before she is ready. She'll tell me when she wants me to know. So I changed the subject to going on another shopping trip.

She was delighted of another trip shopping. She saved up her wages since the last time we went. I needed a small distraction as well from the office. It also has been starting to get fairly chilly since autumn recently arrived. I've grown out of some of my warmer clothes and need to purchase replacements. I've grown taller than Kyouraku taicho's elbows. It's surprising how little I was when I first entered the 8th division.

During our trip this afternoon, I was able of obtaining more information on what Rangiku-san's impression of my current status with my captain. She thought it was perfectly fine to have those types of emotions. It's natural to admire captains, though she doesn't know her captain very well. She also thought that Kyouraku taicho is indeed a handsome man and have a lovely conversation with. It makes perfect sense she would believe such things. Rangiku-san is almost the female counterpart to Taicho. He would completely agree with those things.

I cannot say that I do, on the contrary. I've only had one emotional occasion that was beneficial to my well-being since it earned the attention of Lisa-san. Emotions aren't to be experienced. They are to be carefully controlled and managed as a shinigami. Losing oneself to their emotions can cause distraction and negatively affect battles, the more dire consequences being severe injury or death of self or a comrade. I do not want to become victim to my emotions, nor inflict pain with them either. I have a responsibility and I do not want to let the doubtful have a case against me.

Rangiku did console me with the fact that Kyouraku taicho did not seem like he noticed what she did at Tanabata. She also went on to relay her observations of our interactions in the office would indicate nothing out of the typical captain and vice captain relationship. I took great solace in her words. This is a good indication that I am managing the situation well. I will do whatever it takes to keep it that way.


	48. simple gifts

Rangiku-san left a beautiful paper fan on my desk this morning. I thought it was curious that she didn't purchase anything during our shopping trip yesterday. She enjoys shopping as much as I do and to return without anything is a strange occurrence. The fan explains everything now.

When I first opened the fan to observe it fully, it took my breath away. The watercolor painting was a simple composition of a sakura tree elegantly standing next to a still lake in the moonlight. It was eerie she chose this fan of all fans since it looks so similar to where Saimitsu resides. On the back there were the characters for friendship and love. I stared at the painting for a time I couldn't quantify appropriately. The similarity disoriented me greatly.

Once I finally regained my awareness, I noticed there was a note with it.

"I saw this during our trip yesterday and instantly thought of you. I hope you see it as a gift of our friendship and that we see it grow as the years go by. Thank you Nanao-san."

There is no way she could possibly know what this fan depicts. Only Taicho knows that Saimitsu's shikai is a steel fan. If he did, he might have shared that information with Ukitake taicho, possibly Kaien-san, though I know the 13th is honorable and keep it confidential. It is inconceivable that either Taicho or Rangiku-san could see into my soul so clearly and see the rolling hills that fade into the far off mountains, the quiet stream that runs by the sakura tree and the moonlight. I still catch myself staring at Rangiku-san's gift. If I were skilled in watercolors, that is how I would have painted what the land of my soul appears as.

I will have to thank Rangiku-san tomorrow. This gift has significant meaning, even though she probably has no idea to the weight of it. Maybe I'll treat her to dinner and a drink, she would enjoy that.

* * *

A/N: I might not get an update for a day or two, I'm going to reunion weekend at my school! yay! They keep us volunteers busy - but they feed us :-P Plus I need to organize the next few chapters in my head first.


	49. september 21st

One year today, I became vice captain of the 8th division serving under Kyouraku taicho. I wonder if Lisa-san felt this way after her first year being the second in command here. I am proud of my accomplishments this eventful year.

Taicho remembered the significance of today. While he didn't present himself in the office today, he did leave a small gesture. I assume that he was spending the day with Ukitake taicho and possibly kept out of the office and keep from distracting me. Actually no one came into the office today. It was lovely to have peace for once in the office. I did find an advanced kido book upon my desk when I arrived in the morning accompanied by a note:

"Lovely Nanao-chan. Your first year as my vice captain has gone by so quickly! I had to get you a present showing my deepest gratitude for how hard you've been working. While I'm certain you're on your way to reading the entire Gotei library, I know you haven't gotten your hands on this book yet. I know it will serve you well. While I absolutely admire how diligent Nanao-chan is, she needs to come out and enjoy the outdoors more. I have a wonderful idea! Let's go on a picnic tomorrow! We can celebrate our first year as Captain and Vice Captain and you get to bask in the lovely sunshine! I'll pick you up at noon, Nanao-chan~!"

I smiled after I read the note since Taicho's voice was evident in its wording. He was right, I haven't found this book, yet from my initial inspection of it, it promises to be useful. The cover looks ancient, much older than Yamamoto soutaicho. The author could have been the ones to have developed these spells. The book is certainly old enough. I wonder if having insight to the creation of the spells and incantations make the implementation more powerful. I'll have to conduct a few experiements on the concept.

What really has me curious is how did Kyouraku taicho come across this book. I understand he has been a shinigami for at least two millennium. His family is much older than he is, so this book could be a family heirloom. Why would he give such a precious thing to me? While I appreciate this gift immensely, the caliber of it seems disproportionate to the occasion. I've only known Taicho for just over eight years. Could he possibly know something that he shouldn't? Could that explain why he has given me a small treasure? Or am I over thinking the issue and it was some book lying around that he thought I might have use for? The book appears a little worse for wear, could he be implying that I am too? I do not know. I'll just pretend like it is just a gift and that I have considered the origins and implications of the book.

* * *

A/N: Before I get questions on the date, it was chosen for a reason, but nothing specifically to Bleach canon. If anyone can possibly guess what it has to do with, kudos to them - I'll think of a decent prize that relates to the reason. :-P


	50. wonders of engagement

Miyako-san came to me today with an invitation to her and Kaien-san's wedding this coming spring. They are planning on getting married this coming april. They decided to get married when the sakura trees are in full bloom. I heartily agree with their choice. It is a stunning time here in Seireitei.

Of course the 13th division was invited along with many members of the 8th division. Our divisions are close since our captains have been friends since the academy. Kyouraku taicho always creates opportunities for the two divisions to intermingle. Usually it involves musically gifted members getting together and the rest consuming large quantities of sake. I typically don't attend these sort of gatherings. I do not wish to lose control. I fear for the things that I might say if I consume too much alcohol. I'd prefer that neither division become knowledgeable of my inappropriate and irrational emotions in relation to Taicho. I have a hard enough time having the older members of the 8th taking my orders seriously.

Anyways, Miyako-san appeared exuberant regarding her marriage to Kaien-san. To state it simply, she is a happy individual at this point in time. I am glad to see her so happy and that a friend of mine can make someone feel as she does. From what I have observed of his behavior recently, she does the same thing for him. They seem to be good for each other.

I wonder if I am ever going to obtain such a relationship. I am not certain if it is possible for such a relationship between two people to fulfill all of the intangible things that others say they do. One is supposedly able to obtain happiness, fulfillment, or sense of purpose from such an arrangement. This sort of thing doesn't appear to be adequately described in the library, so I conclude that this is something to be experienced and not to be learned. But I will leave that experience for its own place and time. It is not essential to my duty nor my satisfaction.

* * *

A/N: new focus for a bit, plot developing... not as good as usual. But I have a question to pose to you. What sort of poetry do you think Shunsui is most interested in? I am sure that he appreciates many types, but which does he like the most?


	51. autumn colors

I believe the fall is the most productive and invigorating. The summer haze has lifted and the crisp air is conducive to completing paperwork. The heat is no longer so oppressive that the division paperwork does not wilt in one's hand. Yet it is not cold enough where it merits scarves and gloves in the office. I enjoy the autumn.

The main attraction of the season is the foliage. The trees here in Seireitei reveal scarlet and crimson leaves once the weather becomes colder. It actually matches the inside of Kyouraku taicho's captains haori. And Ukitake taicho's haori as well. I only noticed that their haori's matched recently. While some captain's haoris are very similar in color, Taicho and Ukitake taicho's are the exact same color. Brilliant scarlet. I'm certain they have either noticed the similarity or they have intentionally chosen the colors. If they have, I wonder what the significance of scarlet is for them.

I particularly enjoy the weather in autumn. The best days are those that are cloudless and filled with sunlight. The sky doesn't get much bluer any other time of the year. Yet the autumn rain brings a quietness to Seireitei. Are others taking a moment to absorb the trickle of water around the city?

I must be spending an excess of time with Kyouraku taicho, this is feeling all very poetic.

Kyouraku taicho has lightly scolded me the several times he has found me sitting outside in the rain. Sometimes I reach so far into myself towards Saimitsu that I forget about my surroundings. He would stand over me looking down from under his straw hat blocking the rain until I answered when he called my name. It would take him a few times before I would respond. The he would insist that I take his silly haori to keep me dry until I arrive back indoors.

I believe Kyouraku taicho also enjoys the autumn leaves. He appears to be more alert while he is outside this time of year. While he is observant for most things, he seems more so when he watches the leaves drift to the earth. I do not perceive that he knows that I notice these moments, he is probably acclimated to having his hat to obscure these small glimpses of who he is. I am much shorter than he is and am able to observe this. Taicho doesn't seem the type of person to need to or desire to hide behind his hat like that. I suppose that when one has seen as many autumn leaves as he has, he would rather not share every memory that may surface to his face. I do not believe I would like that either.

* * *

A/N: Woot! so I did some planning of Nanao's life and she has lots to do! yay! It needs some more fleshing out of course, but the good news is that you can look forward to at least 50 more journal entries! Suggestions welcome! yay!


	52. autumn leaves

I certainly had a new and interesting experience today. Kyouraku taicho decided that it would be "delightful fun" if he filled my office with all of fallen leaves from around the division. It took me an hour to clear out enough to reach my desk only to find all of my paperwork was missing. It took another two hours to completely remove all of the colorful foliage from the room and realize that none of the division's paperwork was in the room. If I had known the paperwork wasn't there in the first place, I would have been able to quickly dispose of the leaves with a simple kido spell. I might have saved my morning.

About the time I finished searching the all the cabinets and drawers, Kyouraku taicho felt it was the most opportune time to come visit me in the office. I immediately asked him for the current location of my reports. He responded with a question of his own "Where are all the lovely leaves, Nanao-chan? I thought you might have some fun with them. Maybe like jumping in them or staging an ambush on your humble captain." I quickly responded that there was a great deal of work to be completed before the first of the month. He tried keeping a relatively serious expression and asked "What paperwork, Nanao-chan?" He failed at keeping the smirk off his face. I easily removed it when I adjusted my glasses. I'm glad he remembers what Yuu-san said after my outburst at him. I'll have to keep this reaction to adjusting my glasses in mind. It may become a tool in the future.

Taicho then went to explain that he was upset that I wasn't "fully enjoying the wonders of the season." It is obvious that I don't have the time for such things to anyone who realizes how many administrative tasks I do for the 8th division. I was grateful I had the day off, but at the cost of Taicho staying up all night. I find it uncharacteristic of him to arbitrarily spend a whole night completing paperwork by himself. I wonder what triggered this behavior. I could attribute the antics regarding the leaves being a cover if he noticed that I was witness to some of his more wistful facial expressions earlier this week. But the paperwork seems out of the blue. I directed the conversation in that area several times, including the impromptu picnic he easily coerced me into. Each time, he came up with some false reason or changed the subject. I wonder why he is so reluctant to discuss it. I wonder if he'll either share the part of him that has caused such strange behavior or if I could learn over time.


	53. meditation

I love losing myself in my inner world with Saimitsu. It is wonderful to watch the stars drift across the sky with the moon. Our sakura tree has grown quite large now and the roots can be seen growing into the bookshelves as well. They're much fuller than when I first found my way here. I enjoy seeing all the books here, it's almost as if I have my own private library with me at all times.

We sat by the river for hours. The moonlight caught the ripples as the water ran over the rocks. I read some of the newer books where my soul had written my deepest emotions while we rested there. I'm getting fairly used to confronting my emotions. Considering how conscious I am of keeping my emotions to myself, none of these new books surprised me. I am quite aware of every one of my emotions, since I find it easier to know what it is in order to keep it from being written all over my face.

After a while, Saimitsu brought out the steel fan. He wanted me to look at the engravings. The fan consisted of 32 separate panels, organized as eight groups of four. The first group focused on the delicate sun hanging in the sky while the last group balanced it with the moon. The center eight panels focused on the sakura tree, but it was fairly clear that one side was blossoming while fading into the fully leaved tree of the summertime in the middle and leaves drifting off in the second half. In between the sun and the spring side of the tree, there was the first flower of the season on hills that rolled over into the next group with a quiet stream and then transitioned into the tree. The fall side of the sakura tree faded into the windy plains in the next group The panels before the moon depicted a thunderstorm with a streak of lighting. Truly, Saimitsu's shikai is a work of art.

I think Kyouraku taicho would enjoy my soul scape. He would say poetic things about the moon and the sakura tree and the books and how they are "very befitting of kawaii Nanao-chan." This would be someplace that he would lay out his silly pink haori on the ground and watch the stars go by too, I noted that book that Kyouraku taicho gave me is there now. I would say that it is out of place due to its significantly aged appearance but there is a new book that sits next to it. Well, new in its presence there, but as old as the gift from Taicho, if not older. I tried opening it but it felt as if there was a large weight keeping it shut. I consulted Saimitsu on the issue and he repaid mysteriously "Nanao, you will only be able to read that book when you already know what is in it." In all honestly, I believe that is foolish. Why have a book where you know everything in it before you read it? Why would you read it then? I guess I will have to be patient and search for an opportunity to learn what is in that ancient book.

* * *

A/N: Ever have a day when you saw a ridiculous number of blue cars? that was yesterday for me...But on topic, let me know if there is anything that you'd like to see Nanao exploring, or day to day things she might address in her journal, or reactions to various things. While I do have plenty of ideas, some of them may change depending on the results of the Winter War. Plus you guys have been wonderful already in providing feedback. Sorry if I don't always respond to them, but I promise I read them all. Some of them have actually been very inspiring.


	54. stopping by

Kaien-san visited my office today. It's been a while since there has been a vice captain meeting and I've been preoccupied with getting paperwork done that I haven't had a chance to converse with him. He said that he missed spending time with me like we used to but I suppose he may not mind too much. I imagine that he is spending much of his time with Miyako-san now. He said nothing was out of the ordinary besides getting the details of their wedding squared away.

Yet Kaien-san did threaten to kidnap me for a picnic if I don't come to see him more often. I challenged his methods but he quickly rebutted that he would have no troubles since he could easily rally my captain for the cause. I conceded since I knew that he was indeed correct. We spoke a bit more on some promotions and upcoming events in Seireitei. I always enjoy speaking with Kaien-san, he simply exudes joy of his current existence.

That reminds me; I haven't gone and seen Ukitake taicho in what seems like ages! I should go visit him and inquire if he has any books for me to borrow. I'm almost finished with memorizing the kido book that Kyouraku Taicho had given me. I was entranced when I first read it. The author detailed the metal images that one should conjure when casting kido. My first few attempts using this methodology have been quite successful. I've also been able to complete a few of the more complicated spells without the incantation. It is a thrilling experience and while I will need to practice more, I hope to become an exquisite performer of kido spells. Of course I would not neglect Saimitsu. We already addressed this issue while I was still in the academy. I have a blade for reason and it would be an utter shame for me to let him rust away in disuse.

I'll make plans to pay the 13th a visit next week. I desire to keep my diginity in tact and not be kidnapped by some plan that Kyouraku taicho and Kaien-san devise.


	55. shunpo stolen

I am thoroughly exhausted from today. Kyouraku taicho gets these ideas in his head that I need to get out of the office more and enjoy my youth. Knowing that I would not leave the office with unfinished reports there, he decided that he would take it out. I wonder if he and Kaien-san conversed recently. That could easily explain the disappearance of the paperwork. I thought I felt his reiatsu right outside the office, so I walked out.

Once I found him sitting outside with my stack of paper in hand, looked up at me and grinned and instantly shunpoed away. I glared at the spot until I felt his reiatsu someplace not too far away. Obviously he wanted me to find him since he wasn't hiding it as much as usual. While I could have walked, I shunpoed since it would have taken a bit to get there. The instant I appeared in the sakura grove he was in, he disappeared again. I took a deep breath and followed him to the next location on the roof of the 8th division's barracks. And again he dashed away. I may have yelled at this point. I'm sure there will be a few division members speculating on why exactly I was on the roof of the barracks loudly vocalizing my displeasure.

I noticed each time he shunpoed away, Kyouraku taicho stepped a little bit further than the last. I quickly surmised that he was assessing my current abilities with shunpo and at the same time, give me a bit of training both in shunpo and in detecting reiatsu. He also decreased the amount of reiatsu he exuded every few steps, seeing how well I could find him. He only let up when he saw that I was breathing heavily and starting to break out a sweat.

"That was fun, Nanao-chan! We should do that again sometime!" He handed me the stack of papers "Oh, and the paperwork for tomorrow has already been done, I had our lovely 3rd seat take care of it today. So you can take the rest of the day off!" Once again, he left me staring at empty space. Once I blinked. I yelled again in frustration. My captain is so childish sometimes!

At least I was able to spend the rest of the day reading some of the books I had lined up before Kyouraku taicho's gift. I want them done before I visit Ukitake taicho so I can devote my time to the books he may have.

Overall, Kyouraku taicho taught me an important thing today. I really need to practice shunpo. While I am better than the rest of the divion, Taicho looked like he was merely standing during the entirety of the seemingly pointless charade. It will be a good thing for me to focus on this summer instead of the cold.


	56. can't touch this

I almost lost control today. My systematic methodology for controlling my emotions when put into situations like today nearly failed me. He laid his hand on my shoulder. I am uncertain if he realized how his hand lingered unlike any other time he had contacted me before. He was saying something to Isao-san about how diligent I have been lately or something similar and hopefully unconsciously rested his hand on my shoulder as he referred to me. My face heated and my chest felt tight. The shoulder where his hand laid tingled and warmed even after he removed his hand. There were a few moments of shock before I looked down and away at my paperwork as to obstruct the view of my visage to either Taicho or Isao-san.

I have seen too many girls swoon over a man in a higher rank over something insignificant. I cannot prove my worth if I show myself to be weak like that to the other gender. I want to be taken seriously and be seen for my abilities and not the men I associate with. I will not be a foolish girl who melts over a capable captain. Well, he's actually one of the most powerful and skilled captains in Seireitei. Who is handsome, actually really handsome. As well as kind and generous to everyone.

I've seen him flirt with other females before and I do not want to become another one of them. I don't want to become puddles or girly ooze at his feet. His flirtations are usually in a playful and light manner but that doesn't mean that those women respond in that manner. But my reaction today proved I too react despicably to simple, friendly contact from Kyouraku taicho.

While I understand I currently have these irrational emotions and reactions, it may be possible to convince myself to change the fact. While he has many positive attributes, he is an old man who flirts with lots of women. He also consumes an unhealthy quantity of sake. His preferred style of dress is also distasteful, like any respectable captain would drape a ridiculous pink haori over his captain's haori!.

I do not like my captain. I cannot like my captain. I will not like my captain.

I must develop a plan to help remedy the situation.


	57. winter's first bite

Matsumoto-san's wonderful gift has found new purpose. The first few snowflakes were falling and Kyouraku taicho saw me shivering slightly in the lower temperatures in the season. He moved to put his hand on mine to check if I was cold. It was too close for comfort. I will not let the situation arise where my flirtatious captain touches me and I become like the other girls that giggle and blush during their interaction with him. I will not let him touch me.

Since Taicho's hand came too close for comfort in this manner. My paper fan laid accessible on my desk. and I instinctively grabbed the paper one and deflected Taicho's hand away. I attribute the idea to countless hours practicing with Saimitsu's shikai. Using a fan felt so natural. We shared a moment of surprise then I focused on the matter at hand and glared. I will not let him take my control over myself. He blinked at first and then cradled his hand when he realized that, yes I indeed hit him with substantial force. Taicho has a lesson he needs to learn.

"Owwww, Nanao-chaaaan! What was that for?"

"I am perfectly capable of ascertaining whether or not I am at a sufficient temperature without your assistance. Please refrain from such frivolous actions in the future Kyouraku taicho."

"I think the cold is getting to Nanao-chan's personality."

"Maybe if I had more assistance from my superior officer in completing the division paperwork, I wouldn't need to spend as much time in a cold office. So either leave me to finish it or finish the stack that is already located on your desk."

"Nanao-chan is so cruel..."

I adjusted my glasses slightly and Kyouraku taicho's eyes widened slightly. While I'm sure that I would pose no actual threat to him, he probably didn't want to discover what "Nanao-chan" can do when she is in a foul mood. He quickly made some excuse about seeing Ukitake taicho about birthday plans and nearly shunpoed out of the office. As soon as he left I let out a yell of frustration. Someday that man will compromise my sanity.

Mastumoto's gift will be kept on me at all times from now on. I hope Saimitsu doesn't get jealous that I'm using another fan. I'm sure he is quite aware of the circumstances.

* * *

A/N: woo! that was fun! two chapters tonight, how lovely! ideas/comments/suggestions welcome as usual.


	58. winter solstice

I recalled that Kyouraku taicho mentioned something about Ukitake-taicho's birthday when he was escaping the office during our little incident with my fan. I asked him about that last week and said that it was today, December 21st. I'm surprised I never had inquired or noticed that Kyouraku taicho was gone for the entire day.

I spent a day or two trying to figure out what to give him as a present. I considered a book, but couldn't think of a suitable one for him. It's is difficult to decide on a particular book since he already has a vast library of his own. After some careful thought, I remembered while I was shopping in the human world with Matsumoto-san, we passed a pet shop. Prominently displayed in the store window was koi food formulated to enhance both their health and colors. I have always been fond of Ukitake taicho's koi. For some inexplicable reason to me, they seem to reflect his nature.

I made plans to go to obtain the koi food the next day. I stopped at the 10th division asking if Matsumoto-san would accompany me and it came as no surprise that she was quite eager to go shopping with me.

I started the trip with clarifying that this is an errand run, but we could do some window shopping along the way. I briefly explained the reason to Matsumoto-san and she thought it was a lovely idea for a gift. I purchased the gift after seeing some lovely jewelry we couldn't quite afford yet. I like seeing Matsumoto-san happy like she is when we shop. Sometimes I catch her was a sad look in her eyes. I do not like those moments so I always ask her to come shopping if I go to the real world.

Today, I walked with Kyouraku taicho over to the 13th division. It snowed quite a bit last night and we left a track of footprints in the snow. Ukitake taicho appreciated my gift for him very much. While he is always polite, he smiled a really big smile where his eyes crinkled at the corners. His koi also enjoyed the food. Some of them jumped up into the air and startled me like they always used to.

The rest of the day we sat around with some tea while we remained inside to stay warm. We discussed many pieces of literature. I learned that Kyouraku taicho has an inclination to read great works as well. I didn't think he enjoyed literature. Ukitake taicho asked if I was reading anything currently and I returned that I just finished the kido book that Kyouraku taicho gave me as a gift for one year as his vice captain. For a moment, a strange emotion flashed on his face and I would have missed the instant if I hadn't been paying close attention. Unfortunately, I was unable to identify it due to its instantaneous nature. I decided to ignore it and inquired if he had any recommendations and he told me he was waiting for when I would finally make my way here. Evidently, Ukitake taicho set aside a small stack of books for me. I'm thrilled for these books. I scheduled a large quantity of time devoted to reading new books.

Kaien-san came over in the afternoon to greet all of us and wish his captain a good birthday. We talked on a variety of topics ranging from more literature, to some of his and Miyako-san's wedding plans and to my shopping trip with Matsumoto-san last week. It started snowing as it got darker and Kyouraku taicho decided it was about time to take our leave. After a few meters back into the snow I registered something hitting squarely between my shoulders. I stopped, rose my hand to feel my back and felt a lump of snow lodged there. Slowly I turned to look at the door and witnessed a guilty-looking vice captain looking up into the snow with an amused captain beside him. Kyouraku paused and looked back to see why I was not following him.

Retaliation was in order. I will not allow Kaien-san to trifle with me with snowballs. I glared and swiftly gathered snow into my own hands. I calculated well and hit my mark squarely in his chest. Kaien-san gave out a big laugh and fired back at me. I dodged out of its trajectory easily but Kyouraku taicho was his instead. He laughed too but continued to watch for the time being. Kaien-san threw another snowball and it landed in the middle of my face. I may have yelled since the sudden cold and wet on my face startled me.

That crossed the line. I became serious on our play snowball war. Kaien-san missed again and hit Taicho again, though it may have been on purpose. It seemed that Kyouraku taicho could no longer remain neutral when he was hit twice and "Nanao-chan" had gotten serious. I also believe he felt it unfair that it would be two on one if it remained as it were, so he threw a rather large snowball at Ukitake taicho. Neither the 8th nor 13th officers gained an advantage after a prolonged period and it came to a mutual truce that we all needed to get indoors to dry off and warm up.

Taicho offered me his pink haori as he walked me back to my quarters, but I replied that A) I would not wear such a flamboyant garment and B) I did not want to damage it by getting it wet and C) my quarters were not too far. He looked at me as we walked and asked if I were sure and I reassured him that I was, despite my shivering. I did not tell him reason D) his haori smells too much like him and distracts me. At least he hasn't tried to touch me again, but I am sure if my captain is Kyouraku Shunsui, that will change shortly.

Overall, today was a good day. I had an enjoyable time at the 13th and a whole new stack of books to read.

* * *

A/N: whew! long chapter! Oh I forgot something they talked about - we'll figure it out next chapter.


	59. book monster

It's already the new calendar year. Kyouraku taicho coerced me out of my reading reverie to observe the fireworks welcoming the new year for a few hours. I desired to get back to the books that Ukitake taicho lent me during that time though. He lent me a range of books from recent literature from the real world, some older kido books focusing more on defensive spells and a few books on the history of the Gotei 13. There was this one book that intrigued me though. "Moby Dick" was the tale of a Captain Ahab who has lost his sense of logic who wanted to obtain revenge from this white whale Moby Dick who bit off his leg and destroyed his ship. Although my captain is eccentric, he at least is intelligent in that sense.

In between one of my books I realized that Ukitake taicho's birthday falls on the winter solstice. I feel he would have been more suited to have an equinox on his birthday since he seems so balanced in nature. Maybe he is meant to be a balance for the day. The solstice is more night than day but I believe that Ukitake taicho adds that extra bit of brightness and light to even it out again. Or as always, I am over analyzing circumstances that occur at random.

I finished all the books yesterday and returned them to their owner today. Ukitake taicho appeared both amused and surprised that I completed all of them so quickly. I think he might have used the term "book monster" since it seems like I "eat" books like a ravenous teenager. From his perspective, I must grow on books since he doesn't see how much victuals I actually consume. I have to admit, the division helps more with the paperwork in the winter since they seek refuge from the cold in their offices. This has been beneficial to me, allowing me more time to read.

He rubbed the back of his head and unfortunately didn't have any more set aside for me today. Ukitake taicho was not expecting that I would finish before spring. He told me to return soon and he'll have one to satisfy me for the time being.

I also asked him about Kyouraku-taicho's birthday. I feel inadequate as a his second in command if I do not know important pieces of information such as this. Apparently its only a few days after mine, July 11th. I asked him not to let my captain know that I inquired, I might have a chance of surprising him for once.

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A/N: I was just going to be "no, I'm tired, I won't do a chapter tonight" and I got to my computer "well, let's check what I have next first, then I'll decide." Oh, book monster.. that one's easy and here it is, lol. So much for taking the night off :-P But I felt bad, everyone's probably getting used to almost daily updates. I feel her life's a bit stagnant right now, I'm trying to get time to pass a bit faster, I mean it's probablyjust into the 1920s. I have loads of years to go.


	60. snowdrop

The snow is starting to melt which indicates that the spring flowers that Kyouraku taicho are so fond of are imminent. Yet there is one flower that blooms first and coincidentally is the 13th division flower, the snowdrop. The other day while visiting Kaien-san, I noticed it's silhouette carefully engraved beneath the "13" on his vice captain badge. It actually is quite fitting for their division in a multitude of ways.

The name is easily derived from its drop-like appearance, its white color and it's early blossoming. I have observed a number of them already strewn about the 13th division grounds. When all the petals fall in more densely populated areas of snowdrop flowers, it appears as if there were a small carpet of snow as well.

On a more symbolic level, the snow drop means hope, consolation or even a friend in need. There are many ways that the 13th division is hopeful. Hope that they get stronger and that battle will not separate them. There is consolation that if a comrade is lost, they will not be forgotten. They have a strong desire to support one another in their division.

Ukitake taicho embodies all of these attributes. He lives each day with hope that it will not be his last, despite his lifetime illness. He hopes for the safety of his subordinates. He consoles those in his division that are in need of such or sometimes he himself needs support. Kyouraku taicho always is present for those times. Ukitake taicho and the snowdrop mark the beginning and end of winter. His birthday marks the beginning while the other heralds the coming of spring. How intriguing.

I also read another fact about the snowdrop but I do not believe it relates to the 13th division in any matter. Apparently the entire snowdrop plant is poisonous yet that quality does not reflect upon the 13th division.

I wonder if Kyouraku taicho or Ukitake taicho are fond of the snowdrop at all. Taicho would enjoy the passing into the spring season. I'm sure that Kaien-san appreciates them since it is an indication of his wedding to Miyako-san drawing closer.

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A/N: Hmm sorry for the two day haitus. I needed to give the creative juices a rest. And I'm very happy with the focus of the manga currently being on Shunsui! It'll give me more to write about! Yay, more chapters!

p.s. I sense a wedding soon! Any suggestions on it will be (very) welcome!


	61. spring wedding

Kaien-san and Miyako-san were finally married today. It seems as if ages had passed since Kaien-san first introduced me to her. Any time that I visited the 13th and witnessed the two of them together, they would be discreet but share a private glance to the other across the room. If they weren't together and the other's name was mentioned, the face of the one present would change. It would become soft and their eyes would partially lose focus. Their voice would soften as well and on particular days, it would throw them off focus and take a few moments to regain it.

At times I wonder if this feeling is something desirable, the inability to function temporarily or the overwhelming emotions they share for each other. I cannot afford to lose my focus to my emotions. I have already succumbed to that experience once and it resulted in the injury of my comrades. That instance was only momentary. Judging from Kaien-san's and Miyako-san's behavior during their engagement, this daze can be a long term effect. Yet they seem to enjoy every moment of it.

I also felt an interesting emotion as well today. I believe it would best be described as jealousy. Its origins were not in the ceremony itself or either the bride or groom. It was simply that Kaien-san and Miyako-san found someone to share their soul with under all circumstances. The look in their eyes indicate everything, the care, devotion and love, but simultaneously reveal nothing comparable, I assume, to the depth of their sincerity. While I am sure I do not fully comprehend the implications of such an arrangement, a part of my soul yearns for the knowledge that I would have a companion similar in nature. While I have Saimitsu, he is already a part of me, not a separate entity that can surprise me, console me or other things similar in nature.

As for the ceremony itself, it was breathtaking. Miyako-san and Kaien-san looked wonderful in their traditional Shinto outfits. They shared words reflecting their current love and devotion for one another and promises for the future. It was riveting to see hoe fiercely and earnestly they shared these words to one another. Yet I believe that the words were more of a formality at this point. I think they already knew all these things and it was for those present, almost the entirety of the 13th division, a decent portion from the 8th and a few others from the remaining divisions. I may have seen his younger siblings, but between their guarded natures and the violent stories I've heard from Kaien-san, I opted to let Kaien-san introduce us instead of me going up to meet them. Plus I have a feeling that they do not like shinigamis very much and only were there in support of their brother.

The sakura trees contributed to the scenery as some of the first petals were staring to fall from the blossoms. Which reminds me, even though it was a happy occasion and it was his favorite season Kyouraku taicho hid sadness in his face. Why would he be gloomy then? It occurred to me that he may feel similarly to how I do. It is somewhat surprising that as old as he is, he's not married. He could have been a long time ago, but she is not here anymore. Maybe that is why he is so sad. I loathe observing him in state of distress like these. When he looked over, I decided to acquiesce and smiled for a short moment, if only to see him fake a smile in return. I wanted him to know that I can be his friend too if he ever is in need. Only as long as he keeps his hands too himself, though.

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A/N: *sigh* hope you enjoyed!


	62. facial hair

He changed how he wears his facial hair today. I've only see him with a beard, but now he is growing out his mustache in addition to his short beard. I heard he used to have only a mustache. I know I wouldn't like that very much. His jaw line would appear to be empty without it.

I wonder what prompted the change. It is spring, a time of renewal of the earth and Taicho's favorite season. While I do not mind in the least of this recent change since it accentuates his masculinity. Not that I noticed. And I do not wonder how it would feel under my fingers. If I acted upon my curiosity that does not exist on this matter, it would initiate an awkward situation. Kyouraku taicho would simply flow with the course of events as always yet if there were any other witnesses, rumors could easily propagate from the encounter. I would rather not have the division and quite possibly the rest of Seireitei speculating why was the vice captain of the 8th touching her captain's face.

Conjecture seems to be the best course of action to satiate the curiosity I really do not have on the matter. So I will assume it would feel prickly and rough. And I will not consider the matter more.

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A/N: hmm apologies for a shorter than usual chapter. Nanao apparently didn't want to share more thoughts on Shunsui's lovely facial hair. I'm having a hard time focusing on the "now" in her life. I realllly want to get to the more current events in her life. But I don't want to rush things too much, I mean she's not even 20 yet. But in a year or so she will be. I need to get my game face on. As always, comments are welcome and I hope you enjoyed!


	63. lending a hand

June is a wonderful time for honing one's skills. I asked Rangiku-san if she was interested practicing together today. She may have been surprised at first, her face lit up as she replied "Of course Nanao-san" She jumped up from her small desk in the 10th offices to follow me to the 8th division's. She obtained her zanpakuto on the way out of the room. We conversed about how her duties in the 10th have been. She is currently unranked she is close to obtaining the power necessary to challenge for a seat. I intend to lend her the extra assistance Matsumoto-san requires to gain that extra edge.

We started out with some simple kido practice. Rangiku-san has some talent in the area, yet unfortunately I do not see the potential in her for an equal. It would have been beneficial if she were, then we would challenge and improve each other and become greater but I have a feeling that she will be more skilled in zanjuitsu than in kido. I admit that she does have the lower level kido spells learned fairly well. It's more of the 40 and 50 range spells that we will work on together. I need some practice casting without the incantation, while she needs some help memorizing them.

After some time we drew our zanpakuto and sparred for a short period of time. My initial premonition was correct in that she is indeed more proficient in wielding a blade than in kido. I also learned a few new methods in dodging a longer sword and maneuvering myself in closer to my opponent. In reflection, I suppose it was a natural course of action that I became more skilled in kido and favored it since at first I was of a much smaller stature and kido can be long range and second, Saimitsu's sealed form is a short blade. Or quite possibly, it is the reverse situation where I favored kido and had no need for a longer blade.

We decided that we had our fill of training for the day as the sun was starting to set. As we parted ways to have dinner at our respective barracks, I considered the day's proceedings. I observed that Rangiku-san drew more attention than usual today, especially from male shinigami. After a few moments, I realized that she has grown a substantial portion in her torso, namely her chest region. Which explains the largely male reaction to the change. I have not changed significantly in that manner. The few books I've read on the subject indicate that it varies from female to female and may occur earlier or later in adolescence. Apparently Rangiku-san is experiencing this on the earlier time frame. I am content with gaining height instead of feminine qualities at this point. I would prefer to be taller than most office furniture than have male-attracting curves.


	64. summer birthdays

SI learned this week that Kyouraku taicho's birthday is only 3 days after my own. Interesting. When Kyouraku taicho finished all of the paperwork I was going to do on my birthday and insisted that I take the day off. "My lovely fukutaicho will not work on her birthday, especially when it is so important of a day that a festival is thrown in her honor." I argued that there is a myth about the day but refused to go into detail regarding the purpose of the festival. I would prefer not to initiate a conversation that has anything remotely related to romance with my captain. While I am sure that he has many ideas about the concept, I would rather not hear them due to my reaction to him even in a casual manner.

I'm sure he knows the myth of the lovely daughter of the king who could weave beautifully. Since she worked so diligently she had no time to meet anyone to fall in love with and marry. Her father arranged for his princess to meet a cow herder on the other side of the river. They quickly fell in love and married, but as a result of the amount of time she spent with her new husband, she had no time to weave anymore. The king became upset with them and separated them by the river but would allow them to be together again once every seven years if the river was passable. Kyouraku taicho would find too many parallels between this fairy tale and our current situation. While I have enjoyed fairy tales in the past, I like keeping them from reality. Many of them are frivolous and could never happen in reality. And I do not believe that I will impress that notion on Taicho any time soon.

Taicho also handed me a small box before I left to get ready for Tanabata. He had an almost sheepish look on his face and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand as he explained that he wasn't sure if I would like his gift. Inside, there were two sets of brushes. One was a very elegant set of calligraphy brushes and one was a set of more everyday brushes that I could use for paperwork. I gave him a deep bow to show him how grateful I was. I had needed a new set since the one I first found in the office were neglected for a few years before I found them as well as put to hard work. Yet the calligraphy brushes, I am curious whether Taicho knows if I keep a journal of my experiences which I would use them for. I presume he wouldn't since he has never been nearby when I am writing in it. For the most part I keep it in my own quarters as well and Kyouraku taicho does not go uninvited into other's private rooms.

Taicho lightly scolded me for being so formal by bowing in thanks, but was glad I enjoyed the gift. He grinned and said a hug would be more appropriate for this occasion. My fan is quite useful in these situations. I swift strike to his wrist and a cold scowl did the trick. I informed him that my sincere thanks would have to suffice since he will not obtain a hug from me, or anything of the like, I quickly added so he could not brainstorm further.

The evening went similarly to last year. Kyouraku taicho learned my weakness to sweet bean pastries. He laughed so much when the vendor almost yelled at me for monopolizing the food stand and nearly clearing him out of stock. But were simply delicious. Matsumoto-san came and kept us company for an hour or so before she went off with other members of the 10th division for the night. This year I wished for better control over my emotions and to become stronger for my division. I loved the green paper they had available, so I utilized that for my wish. Kyouraku taicho wrote his on pink paper, like he did last year. I wouldn't be surprised if he did that every year. I wonder what he wishes for. Maybe he wishes for everything to remain the same. Maybe he really does embody our division's flower and already have everything he wants. Some instinct tells me that's incorrect, especially when his eyes let slip the sadness he sometimes feels. My guess is that he wishes for that sadness to go away. I know that Ukitake taicho knows of this sadness, I wonder if others notice it too. He looked like that when he wrote his wish. I tried getting his mind off it by asking him what he wanted for his birthday. He said he didn't need anything but I protested, but he still did not answer what he wanted. I crossed my arms and glared up at him. He had the nerve to smile, but if this is what I need to do to chase away the sadness, I will do so energetically.

The fireworks were almost the same as last year, and Kyouraku taicho brought me to the roof of the 8th division main offices. It actually was a great view, but not as comfortable as the quiet place we were last year. Kyouraku taicho made sure I got home safe since he would be upset if anything happened to "cute little Nanao-chan."

The next day I decided a nice bottle of sake would be a decent gift for him. Or possibly nice ochoko where he could drink it from instead of straight from the bottle as he occasionally does. I believe some misfortune came upon his previous set. I decided to get the ceramic cups instead of actually give him sake since it wouldn't last as long. I brought Matsumoto-san on a quick trip to go shopping in the higher districts of Rukongai since I didn't have time to aquire passage into the real world. After we went to three shops, I found the perfect set of two for him. The base color was a lighter violet color with blossoming sakura branches delicately painted on. I was glad there was a pair since Kyouraku taicho would feel that it would be foolish to have only one glass. He would opt to drink right from the bottle at that point. Plus he seems more of the type to drink with someone than drink alone, which Matsumoto-san heartily agreed upon. They were slightly more that I wanted to pay, but it was for Kyouraku taicho.

Today, his birthday, I gave him the small parcel while he was resting on the couch in the office. He got up to open it and his face lit up. I let myself smile since his eyes weren't as sad. He put the box down on the couch beside him after seeing what it was and quickly stood up. Before I could move he was nearly suffocating me in a monstrous hug. "Thank you, Nanao-chan~ you're so thoughtful! You got a wonderful ochoko set for me!"

"Taicho, please remove your arms or I will find another method of removal! I do not approve if such inappropriate contact or the inability to breathe!" At the breathing part he let go since he can't let Nanao-chan go without air. He laughed and asked if I would possibly join him christening them with their first drink. I quietly declined stating I do not drink sake but offered that Ukitake taicho would be a more suitable person for that job. He gave me one last large smile before he scooped up the box and headed off to the 13th on my suggestions.

I'm happy that he liked his gift. It will certainly last him much longer than a bottle of sake, especially at the rate he drinks.

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A/N: So weird thing happened, my laptop speakers stopped working for a month and just started back up today. Interesting. So while I understand that I am a prolific writer, the comments have been pretty slim in the past few weeks. I just want to make sure that everyone is still enjoying TBOIN and if anyone has any comments/suggestions, please, don't hesitate, I'm a click and a comment away. :-P


	65. girl talk

My, I had an intense lunch today. Matsumoto-san came over to address a less than pleasant subject. She first started our conversation with insisting that I call her Rangiku-san. I replied that I find it difficult to address others with their given names. Including Lisa-san. I always addressed her as Yadamaru-fukutaicho both to her and in conversation. I explained that I can only use their given name mentally but it feels too intimate. She shook her head and smiled and let the issue be. She had more important things to discuss. Things that I found I would rather not approach.

Matsumoto-san told me about her observations in the past month. She noticed something rather interesting at Tanabata and she spent the next month confirming her suspicions. While at first I didn't understand what she was hinting at, I realized shortly after that she was referring to the time she spent with Taicho and myself during Tanabata about a month ago.

"You had such an adorable expression on your face when you were talking with him. The way you tried so hard not to smile and look away anytime you started to blush. I think someone has a bit of a crush on their captain~!" She nearly sang the last part of it. I checked to see if Kyouraku taicho was anywhere near the office then just in case he overheard and I would have to perform damage control later. Fortunately I felt him off somewhere off in the vicinity of the 13th. After confirming my captain's absence. I looked over to Matsumoto-san and casually stated:

"I do not harbor such foolish emotions for Kyouraku taicho."

"You treat all the other men you've talked to in the past month so differently. You talk to them without that extra spark that you have when you're around Kyouraku taicho. I know you have a thing on your captain and denial is silly, not to mention unhealthy!"

She stopped me as I opened my mouth to rebut. "And don't try lying again, spill the details."

I sighed in defeat. Rangiku-san really is like Taicho. He is fairly skilled at catching lies I might utter, except the ones about my emotional status. I do not let them show, especially the ones regarding him. And when he learns that I'm lying he wants to know the truth, or at least something close enough. Which is the case in this situation with Rangiku-san.

"I may have developed some frivolous and inconsequential emotional responses regarding a particular superior officer." There. I admitted it. Out loud. It felt strange saying those words. Rangiku took a second to fully decipher my sentence as exactly what she suspected it would be. She threw her arms around me in a big hug "So adorable, Nanao-san!"

"Yet, I'm certain that is only a passing phase and will fade with time." She released her hug and held my shoulders at arms length. "You are a woman right? What female in her right mind would not find Kyouraku taicho at least attractive? It's a natural thing, Nanao-san."

"But I'm his subordinate and I don't want to be like all the other women that melt into puddles with his goofy smiles and charming words. It is just so…inappropriate. And not to mention the significant age difference. It is just… wrong." She smiled sadly and simply shook her head. "Suit yourself Nanao-san. I honestly think that if you ignore the whole thing it might not go away. But if it's worth anything… I think you two would make a lovely couple." She winked at me. "I would rather not discuss the matter further. And please keep this to yourself, I'd rather not be the subject of gossip." So Rangiku-san nodded and changed the subject to more inconsequential things which went better than before.

I really hope Rangiku-san is mistaken thinking that ignoring my emotions will not solve the problem.

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A/N: Thanks everyone for reviewing! I understand how everyone has been so busy, but I wanted to make sure that people are still enjoying TBOIN and didn't stop reading cause I became horrible at writing. And I've been getting a feel too that this pace for Nanao is working well so I think I may continue as 're comments today made me so happy! Yay! Thanks! :-D


	66. hairbrush

Sometime last week, I asked Matsumoto-san when her birthday was out of curiosity. I had known her for over a year already, so I already had missed it once and I would rather not miss it again. It seems as if I asked in time since It was today. Luckily, I was able to make a quick shopping trip to find a gift for her. After four or so shops, I finally found a gift that reminded me of her. Her hair is growing out beautifully but sometimes it looks a bit messy if I see her in the mornings. Currently it rests at shoulder length, but I think it would look nice if it were longer.

I decided that a brush might be a practical gift for someone with hair as lovely as Matsumoto-san's. In addition to it being practical, the one I found had a simple painting on the back side. It was a grey cat leaping in a large field trying to catch a pink butterfly. I am not sure why, but it seems to suit her.

She was thrilled when I gave it too her. So much so that it earned me a large hug that compromised my ability to breathe momentarily. Though, I did not mind so much at that moment. It felt pleasant to know my gift was truly appreciated.

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A/N: sorry no chapter yesterday and a short one today, unfortunately there might not be one tomorrow. There might be, depends on how early I get up. We've been celebrating a friend's birthday, wooo!


	67. halloween

I officially dislike this holiday named "Halloween." Kyouraku taicho believed it would be humorous to "celebrate" the holiday in ways that only he knows how. I was minding my own business on my way to the office on today, October 31st. Typically, I am the first one in the office at 8am and therefore did not expect anyone to be in the office. When I entered my office Kyouraku taicho jumped out from beside the door and uttered "boo!" with his deep booming voice. In my surprise, I screamed inappropriately and nearly dropped my book. In response he just laughed and cheerfully told me "Happy Halloween, Nanao-chan!" That man is so infuriating!

One I regained composure I hit his arm with my book. I threatened that if he ever dared to commit something comparable to this antic that he may have more than just a forceful book to be concerned on. He doubted that "Kawaii Nanao-chan" could ever muster up the spirit to ever harm "her handsome and charming Taicho." I coldly asked him not to challenge what I am truly capable of. He laughed again. "So cold, Nanao-chan" I turned from him to sit at my desk and start the day's paperwork.

Kyouraku taicho asked if I knew anything about the human holiday. I replied I have not come across any books regarding current human customs that detailed the day. He informed me that it is one of the ways that humans acknowledge the dead and their fears. Some cultures use the time to visit the graves of loved ones, others go from house to house to ask for candy, some view it as a more playful holiday, as my captain does, and perform tricks that can scare the recipient or cause the initiator of the act much amusement. And this was a case that fell under both the frightening and amusing categories.

I do not believe I can overlook this incident today. I may have to develop a plan to return the favor to my occasionally childish captain.


	68. scarlet

After much contemplation and today's events, I've gained some insight to why Taicho and Ukitake taicho have the same color inside their captain's haori. Ukitake unfortunately had a relapse of his lifetime illness while Taicho and I were visiting him at the 13th. Kyouraku taicho had left his pink haori on the ground where he was sitting a few feet away from Ukitake taicho. Taicho had something humorous and cause Ukitake to laugh rather hard. It quickly turned into a serious coughing fit and Kyouraku taicho was instantly at his side. In the previous times I've seen Ukitake taicho have coughing fit with Taicho around, he usually ignored it, smiled gently and waited until Ukitake taicho regained control over his breathing. I feel that Kyouraku taicho knew that this was more serious, which it ended up being. Currently both captains are in the 4th division, mine accompanying the other as he recovers under the gentle care of Unohana taicho.

Ukitake taicho's coughing resulted in some blood getting onto Taicho's white captain's haori. He tried to apologize weakly, but Kyouraku taicho cut him off asking what's a few bloodstains between friends. Ukitake taicho tried to smile between coughs at the dismissal. Plus he knew that would give his friend to wear his pink haori more often to hide the stain.

Taicho's eyes were intriguing to look at. While his face still smiled, his eyes held concern. For some reason, I think that Taicho hates seeing his longest friend in pain, hopes that he will rebound in times like these but accepts that if his friend does not die in battle that his illness will eventually claim him. I believe that is why he embraces each day and enjoys his time with Ukitake taicho since he never knows when he'll be forced to move onto the next life.

I assume they've seen many battles together and have had their fair share of bloodstains from the other's blood when they help them up after the fall. They way Kyouraku taicho said that line sounded as if this was something they've share before and it was simply reemphasizing a known truth between them. I sincerely hope that this only a temporary condition for Ukitake taicho since I do not want to see my captain without his closest friend.

Taicho called over to me "Nanao-chan? Could you go get Unohana-san for Ukitake here? Seems that he could use her company about now… And bring a glass of water after she is on her way. She always seems to forget how distasteful that medicine is." He chuckled at the last part.

I hurried and accomplished my mission quickly. Kyouraku taicho thanked me when I returned and took the glass and handed it to Ukitake taicho. He told me that I shouldn't expect him in the office tomorrow. I figured as much and told him to take as much time as he needed. I accomplish most of the administrative tasks for the division anyways, so him taking a few times to be with his friend that is as close as a brother is inconsequential to the paperwork but I think has immeasurable significance to him.


	69. dining hall trays

It has been about a month since Ukitake taicho had his relapse and he still remains in the 4th division under Unohana taicho. The 13th division has been feeling disheartened and losing faith that Ukitake taicho won't regain his health. Kaien-san was waiting for me in outside the dining hall on the porch while watching the snow fall. He remarked on the poor morale when I had visited to pick up some of the paperwork for the 13th. I had offered a week ago to complete some of theirs as Ukitake taicho has been unable to do so for the previous month and their division has been lagging.

I suggested something to take their mind off of the current situation. Kami only knows how often I use this technique to function with Kyouraku taicho in the vicinity. Kaien-san admitted he had tried, but nothing seemed to work at the point. I apologized and informed him if I came up with an idea. As I turned to leave, I collided with a younger male whose tray fell onto the snow and proceeded to slide down the hill the dining hall's porch overlooks. I shot a glare at the slightly taller male who blushed with wide eyes at his predicament. It seems rumors regarding my glasses may have passed into the 13th as well. I then shifted my attention to stare curiously at the tray now resting at the bottom of the hill and turned back to look at Kaien-san. He turned his gaze from the tray to grin up at me and I offered him a small smile.

"Kaien-san, I believe I may have an idea that may help the 13th division from their current attitude."

"Ise, I believe it's probably one hell of an idea and that the division is going to love it."

He quickly stood from his position and went to the kitchen and obtained some of the empty trays and brought them to the porch. He handed one to me but I refused since this was for the 13th division to gain some positive attitude back. He threw it down on the ground along with another and he sat on the second one. I went to cross my arms and tell him no, but he arrested my wrist faster and dragged me down on the second tray and pushed off taking my along with him. I yelled at him as I was spinning and whipping down the slope. When we reached the foot of the hill Kaien-san jumped up and ruffled my hair. "Wasn't that fun Ise-san? You have such fun ideas sometimes." He turned to look up at the small audience we drew, namely my admonition of Kaien-san's childish behavior. He called to them "What're all of you waiting for? Don't let Ise-san scare you off, she had more fun than she'll let on!"

I glared up at him as he smirked. "I bet you're too much of a coward to go again." My mouth dropped at this insulting comment. "If you ever dare to call me a coward again you will have dire consequences to face." I adjusted my glasses for effect but that only made him smile wider. Apparently this threat did not work on him. "I guess I'll just have to prove it then, Ise-san!" He proceeded to grab his tray and run up the hill laughing, most likely at the face I made. I grabbed my tray as well running to catch up with him preparing to hit him with it. He was not going to get away with calling me a coward so casually. When we got up again, he quickly got back on his tray again, providing him a swift escape, I yelled in frustration. I turned to some of the recruits hesitating at the top of the hill. "I believe that Kaien fukutaicho is in need of a lesson or two at this moment. First, he should not take calling a college a coward as lightly as he has and second, that you are not in fear of me. Let's show him what we're truly capable of." I smiled mischievously at them and they smiled back. I nodded to the trays and asked another recruit to obtain more trays and see if there were any other division members inside missing out and to bring them here.

I led the group waiting to sled down the hill to meet Kaien-san who was at that moment, making foolish faces up at his subordinates and myself. I still needed to get back at him from last year for that snowball between the shoulders. So I initiated the first throw and made my mark. The division members smiled at me and followed my lead and pummeled their acting leader. He laughed and ran trying to avoid the volley of snow aimed at him. He called at the remainder of the 13th, which included Miyako-san, at the top of the hill to join him and help protect him. They hurried down on the sleds too, shouting battle cries to defend their acting captain. It was just as I hoped that they would even out the epic snow battle in the 13th. Kaien-san valiantly took a few stray snowballs for his wife who mourned his fake death as he fell dramatically in the snow. After an hour or so, the division was tired from laughing, smiling, running and forgetting their captain may not recover. I had fallen over and lie staring up at the snow breathing hard and Kaien-san walked over and joined me.

"Thanks, Nanao. This meant a whole lot to them."

"I'm glad I could do something. I'm having a hard time cheering up Taicho."

"You're a smart one, Ise. You'll think of something."

Miyako-san came over at that moment and agreed. "Go take him on a picnic, he seems to enjoy those."

"In the winter?"

She smiled a bit in embarrassment "You never know…"

"No, that actually might be something he would find somewhat amusing, a picnic in the middle of winter."

I extracted myself from the snow and decided it was time to take my leave from the 13th. Kaien-san and Miyako-san offered to walk me home, along with the paperwork I originally came for. Kaien-san wanted to make sure that Kyouraku taicho had his fukutaicho home in one piece, since he didn't think he could handle Ukitake taicho's poor health and anything bad happening to his second.

I'm glad I could do something for the 13th beyond simple paperwork. Now I just need to find something to take Kyouraku taicho's mind of things.

* * *

A/N: Woo! long chapter, yay! Hmm Nanao can be fun apparently.


	70. beat away the gloom

I sat for a few days at my desk watching as Kyouraku-taicho lie on the office floor. Ukitake-taicho has been at the 4th division for two months now and nothing has seemed to work to cheer up Taicho. I tried taking him on a picnic like Miyako-san suggested, but it only reminded him of Ukitake-taicho's favorite season. We went birthday gift shopping, yet it held the possibility that these were the last birthday gifts he might receive. I offered doing frivolous things such as make snowmen with him or catch snowflakes on our tongues and noses. I think it may be difficult for Taicho to think of anything else since this is Ukitake-taicho's favorite season.

I've learned a small portion of their time together when Taicho reminisces. Like they're the only two shinigami that have twin sword shikai. It makes me feel as if it is a testament to how close they are that even their souls are unique in the same way. They had an interesting friendship in the first few years of school. Kyouraku-taicho mostly chased after the girls while Ukitake-taicho made numerous friends. They know of each other and as they started sharing more of the same advanced classes they became friends. It also helped that Yamamoto-soutaicho had interest in their potential as well.

I had also tried ice skating, which worked for an hour or so, while I had him trying to teach me to glide on the ice. He was able to get a few laughs in on "how adorable Nanao-chan looks when she falls over." Then he remembered that his first time ice skating was while he was with Ukitake taicho while they were trying to impress some of the girls nearby. I sighed.

Which brought me to today. I was tired of this glum behavior and everything reminding him of Ukitake-taicho. While I know that he has spent the long majority of his life in his company, Kyouraku-taicho needed to lift his spirits. His attitude has started to spread to the rest of the 8th and it is starting to become too depressing. Kyouraku-taicho is supposed to be happy and smiling, joking and having fun.

If playing nice wasn't going to work, I decided another approach was in order. I built up my resolve and suddenly rose from my seat and sat next to Taicho. He lifted his hat to look at me and I said "Enough." I gripped his wrist and heaved him up to his feet and dragged him all the way to the 8th training grounds. I deposited him at one end and took my stance a few paces away and drew out Saimitsu.

"I tried being nice and trying to get you to even function properly again. I want to drive away this morbid gloom that follows you. It's affecting the 8th, not to mention the 13th, who is convinced that they will not have a captain come springtime. The 8th can't bear seeing you so sad, especially me. I dislike working in an office with someone that drags a suffocating air about them. So if doing enjoyable things won't work, I'm going to beat it out of you."

Kyouraku-taicho looked up and quirked an eyebrow at me, yet still without a smile on his face or in his eyes. "What makes you think you can "beat it out of me," as you eloquently put it?"

"I've been training, plus with how morose you've been you probably are at a disadvantage."

And before he knew it, I was gone. I wanted to start merciless as to force him to defend himself. As such, I leapt up to strike at his neck but in the instant between my reappearance and the strike, he drew the shorter of his blades and blocked me. I dodged his retaliation and decided to throw some kido in the mix. I sent a binding spell as I chased after it hoping to catch him off guard defending himself from the spell. Yet he picked up his pace and was easily able to dodge it and avoid my strike. I wanted him to take this seriously and draw his second sword. So I called out to Saimitsu, "Kashite kashoku, Saimitsu." I wanted him to know that I meant business. I threw more kido at him. He dodged most of them but deflected.

I learned how to directly cast and hold spells in the steel fan and release them at will. Unfortunately the panels would glow when they held any sort of energy. So I held four spells for the moment in case Taicho sent anything I couldn't dodge. I drew in close again to force him to use two blades. I had also practiced shunpo since his little paperwork chase. I kept flash stepping to different sides and finally he drew out his second sword. I smiled in that small victory. Then I released the two binding and destructive spells that Saimitsu was holding since he can only hold onto them for a short period of time. Kyouraku-taicho had to roll out of the way to dodge them and I used that moment to draw in close and strike with the bladed edges of my fan. Kyouraku-taicho smirked as I drew in close and blocked and went to strike with the other. I cast a defensive spell to block it. It cracked on contact and I quickly retreated since it wouldn't hold under the force of his left.

While he's ambidextrous, he seems to have a slight advantage on the left. I wonder if he always has been ambidextrous or if that was a trait he needed to learn due to the nature of his zanpakuto. In that moment while I pondered those thoughts, Kyouraku-taicho shunpoed behind me and swiped along the side and I blocked with Saimitsu at a strange angle where Kyouraku-taicho's sword wedged itself between some of the steel panels. I did the first thing that my instincts told me and that was to twist my fan around. That wrenched the sword out of his right and I used both of them to deflect the left and grabbed the hilt of the blade still stuck in my fan. His eyes showed surprise. I'm not sure that he knew that I could either improvise or trust my instincts.

Taicho grinned as I threw his blade across the grounds to have it embed itself in the wooden target away from where we were fighting. "Such good aim, Nanao-chan!" I was a bit relieved to see him lighten up and therefore eased on my approach. He caught on to my intentions and decided to match my level. We continued sparring for a while longer until I was out of breath and my glasses had accumulated a thin film of ice from the cold and my breath. I took them off to wipe them and when proper vision returned to my eyes, I noticed a strange look on his face.

"I thought those who saw you take off your glasses turned into large puddles that babble."

I smirked at that memory. "No, that's only if I am in a state irritation."

He cocked his head to the side: "You have lovely eyes, Nanao-chan." Now that was something to cause irritation. I glared at him. "Do not waste your breath on such frivolous things, Kyouraku-taicho."

He sheathed his swords while he harbored a smirk on his face. At least he was happy again. His smile became more genuine as he told me thanks and that he needed this. I simply nodded and walked back to the office as he went to most likely tell Ukitake-taicho about our encounter today. Whatever it took to make him happy again.


	71. normalcy

A few days after Kyouraku-taicho and I sparred again, Ukitake-taicho was released from the 4th division to recover in his own residence. Once Ukitake-taicho's health promised to improve, Unohana-taicho felt that it would be better for him to rest in the comfort of his own quarters. Kyouraku-taicho's temperament has definitely improved with Ukitake-taicho's health. I seriously hope that he never reaches a point similar in its severity as it was.

As distracting as I find it, Kyouraku-taicho's humming has become part of the sounds that I associate with the office. It seems wrong of he's present and his humming is not. Thankfully it has returned, as loud and aimless as ever. He almost seems childlike in his excitement that his lifelong friend is regaining health. I am almost surprised that I have not seen him dancing on his way to see Ukitake-taicho.

The 13th seems to be returning to normalcy as well. There are few if any downcast faces when I drop off some of extra paperwork I've been doing for them. I'm still amazed at the quantity of reports Ukitake-taicho completed. Yet soon he will be able to address his responsibilities again and leave me to focus on the 8th again. It seems that they're quite happy that Kyouraku-taicho is back to his usual self. After all, he's the one that starts almost half of the impromptu gatherings in the barracks. Yes, they missed Kyouraku-taicho greatly.


	72. downward glance

I noticed while I was getting dressed today that my yukuta was tighter around my chest. It typically ends in the same spot when I dress but today it came short. It seems as my body is finally maturing like Matsumoto-san's. I was contemplating if I might remain flat-chested like some other women I have met in the Gotei 13. It seems as if I am "filling out" as Matsumoto-san had called it previously. I sincerely hope that I do not draw inappropriate attention from male shinigami due to this new development. I've been witness to how men act around Matsumoto-san and I do not wish to be the cause of such behavior. Matsumoto-san has fun with the situation, but that is not something I believe I am capable of.

I hope Kyouraku-taicho doesn't notice most of all. I would rather not have his flirtatious comments be directed at me since I already struggle to maintain control over my emotions concerning him. I know he wouldn't say anything in particular regarding this particular observation or say anything degrading since he is a kind person, I just don't want his attention since he may realize my silly adolescent-like crush on him.

Matsumoto-san will be proud though. I just hope they don't grow to become a hindrance like I have a feeling that Matsumoto-san's might.


	73. spring is in the air

I had an unusual visitor in the office today. I believe his name was Hisoka-san. He dropped off a gift from the 13th division for my assistance during Ukitake-taicho's ailment. He came by shortly after I had returned from lunch and looked almost nervous carrying a large basket. He timidly knocked on my door and I called out for him to enter. I only looked up when I couldn't quite put a face to the reiatsu I felt before. As I recalled, he was that young man that bumped into me when I helped Kaien-san start the snow fight to lighten the morale of the 13th. I didn't take too much time to notice him then as I was quickly swept up in the moment.

Since he was hesitantly waiting at the door I took a moment to take in his appearance. He had short wavy black hair and brilliant green eyes. He stood a few inches taller than I am, but since he is about my age, his body is most likely still growing. He was looking at me with an interesting look on his face until I asked him what I could do for him.

He almost snapped to attention and walked over with the basket and gently placed it on my desk.

"Ise-fukutaicho, I'm Hisoka-san, the 8th seat of the 13th division. Ukitake-taicho and Kaien-fukutaicho asked me to bring this to you as a gift from the 13th. We all appreciate how much you've done for us in the past few months. If I may speak freely…" He waited for my nod to proceed "I had a wonderful afternoon when you started that snowball fight back in December. I never had the opportunity to properly apologize for bumping into you." He said that last part rather quickly where I had to strain to make out the words. He looked away and I'm fairly certain that his face became a shade pinker than it already was. "But I hope that you enjoy the gift as well. Ukitake-taicho said that you would like it."

I stood to lean over the edge of the desk where the basket rested and pulled back the corners of the cloth. Then the smell pervaded my senses. Oh, how I love pastries with sweet bean paste. I can only assume that Ukitake-taicho asked Taicho for a suitable gift idea and this one weakness is no secret to him. He caught me dominating that food stand at Tanabanta the first time I ever went.

I smiled softly to ease the nervous shinigami. "Please send my thanks to both of them, the gift is greatly appreciated. You can be assured that it will not last very long."

He smiled shyly back and bowed. "Arigatou, Ise-fukutaicho! I will let them know."

I waited until he left and closed the door behind him before I started eating. Kyouraku-taicho came in while my mouth was filled to capacity and could not greet him properly. When he noticed the cause of my silence, he let out a booming laugh.

"I see Ukitake took my suggestion to heart! He'll be glad to hear that little Nanao-chan barely waited for his young messenger to dive into his gift." While he spoke I quickly finished the pastry I had started to consume. When he saw that I could resume communication he posed a question "What did you do to that officer, he seemed nice, but a bit rushed. You better not have taken off your glasses. I know that the rest of Seireitei is wary of you removing your glasses and it would be a mean thing to do to some innocent soul."

"Taicho, I did nothing of the sort. He seemed rather flustered the entire time he was here. He was rather polite so I treated him likewise."

"Hmmm." Kyouraku-taicho looked out the window into the early spring. After a pause, he turned back to me with a grin "Well, I'll leave Nanao-chan with her sweets lest I get in the way and suffer the wrath of kawaii Ise-fukutaicho." He laughed and strolled out into the mid-afternoon light.

I'm still debating whether or not to make these pastries last as long as possible or just to eat them as rapidly as possible since they are quite tempting. Maybe just one more…

* * *

A/N: We're going to see how this goes. Let me know what you think of Hisoka-san. He's a newer part of "the plan" so I haven't quite thought him out entirely. We'll see/let me know!


	74. messenger

Apparently the 13th division has a new messenger for their paperwork that needs to come to the 8th. It never was anyone specific or notable for that matter. Yet for the previous month it has been only Hisoka-san. While I've never given much consideration to who brings the reports from the 13th, it has been fairly consistent recently and plus the encounters are somewhat… awkward I would say is the most adequate word for our encounters. It is not that he is impolite or anything similar. Our conversations lack a certain amount of fluidity and movement as most other social interactions I have participated in. It is a new experience for me.

I find it quite curious how he has a difficult time putting together full coherent sentences without seeming embarrassed. Is he like this around others? I suppose his fighting capabilities must compensate for this strange behavior if he does act this way toward other shinigami. Or is it just me? Why just me? Is he still upset about the incident back in December when he bumped into me, where I really should have been apologizing to him since his tray fell into the snow. He was finished his lunch, though.

After a few of these… visits, I've determined he is a few years older than me. He was around before Kaien-san was promoted to vice captain. Which now seems like ages ago, at least in my own perspective. I suppose to someone like Kyouraku-taicho or Ukitake-taicho, that seems like it was a fairly recent occurrence.

His face is always pink when he visits too, especially when someone else is in the room as well. Then he leaves quickly. Yet if I'm in my office on my own, he tends to linger, trying to converse lightly on some neutral subject. For example, he commented on the spring weather and how the flowers looked lovely. I agreed since it was quite true. Yet the thought crossed my mind that if I ever disagreed to that with Taicho nearby, he would spend as long as it would take to convince me otherwise.

I've taken to bringing my journal to the office occasionally recently. I've gotten quite ahead in the division's reports that there have been several times already where I needed to edit paperwork since there have been instances where the subject matter has changed. By finishing so far in advance I created more work for myself. Which is where the journal is useful. If I find myself restless and in need of writing, instead of doing more paperwork or if I can't focus on some meditation with Saimistu, as is my current situation. Yet I see Hisoka-san at the door and prepare myself for another interesting and slightly uncomfortable exchange.

* * *

A/N: for those of you have read this week's chapter, I'm very upset too :-( but I think it will be ok… at least I hope so... It better be so... otherwise I won't be ok...


	75. from across the field

I was walking with Kyouraku-taicho on our way to the 13th to visit Ukitake-taicho. It was a normal early summer day and it was lovely weather or so Taicho was detailing to me on our way there. It was a typical afternoon at the 13th, drinking tea, enjoying the sun and watching the koi. Ukitake-taicho always tells me how they look much better ever since I gave him the koi food. While to the casual observer it may not be discernable, but their colors are much brighter than they had been while I was younger.

The most intriguing part about my day was the walk back to the 8th with Taicho. We were taking a shortcut across one of the fields on the way back home and a certain someone drew my attention. It was Hisoka-san, sitting with a few of his friends but they were chatting amiably amongst themselves while he caught my eyes. His face became pink again and looked away and looked back from the corner of his eyes as I passed his group.

I could only hope that the strange encounter could have been unnoticed by Kyouraku-taicho . At least his friends were oblivious to the exchange. Kyouraku-taicho at least waited until we were out of earshot to broach the subject.

"Is that the poor soul that nearly ran out of your office a month ago?"

"No one has ever run from my office, yet." I glared up at him as we continued to walk for effect. " But if we are thinking of the same situation, then yes, that is the 'poor soul' as you described him."

"Hmmm, I think I understand now…" He paused his thoughts and looked up into the sky as the sun dipped lower towards the horizon.

"What, Taicho?"

"I'm not going to tell you, Nanao-chan~! You're going to have to fi….nd… out." I walked up to stand in front of his path and glared up at him. He was forced to stop or risk toppling over "little Nanao-chan"

"Tell me."

"But Nanao-chan, these things are so much more fu-"

"Now! It's starting to irritate me!" I was a bit surprised at my admittance of how the unusual situation was making me feel. As was Kyouraku-taicho, since he quickly got to the point.

"Do you like him?"

"What?"

"Nanao-chan, that's a fairly simple question. I wanted to know if you like him."

"He is polite and does the best he can."

"Not that way Nanao-chan, I mean, are you interested in him?"

"What?" He was starting to smile.

"Or is it your hearing that is giving you troubles today? I was only asking since it was clearly obvious he's interested in you."

I paused for a moment and looked at his face. His grin enlarged. I wonder if he caught on to exactly how oblivious I have been to Hisako-san's emotional status regarding myself.

"…What do you mean by that?" I was still unclear on the issue. He laughed at my question which frustrated me more than a small amount.

"I mean he is attracted to you… I'm fairly certain you haven't read too much on the subject. Or if you have, it wasn't very helpful. Since you see lovely Nanao-chan, these are the sort of things you learn through experience. Things you trust your instincts on."

I was thoroughly confused at that moment and just looked at him again. He laughed again, apparently confusion on my face is humorous. I decided to walk the rest of the way alone, but Kyouraku-taicho insisted he walk with me. I remained silent and every one in a while I would glance up at him to see laughter in his eyes while he was watching me mull over this new information. I don't like this reaction from Taicho, it's rather unsettling. And I do not like being blind-sided by developments such as these. I strongly wished to have hit him with my fan or my new book from Ukitake-taicho, yet I feel that hitting him without doing something punishable is poor management. I'll just be sure to hit him extra hard next time he does something inappropriate, which will most likely be soon.


	76. take a chance

I apparently lack a certain skill for observing attraction of males towards myself. On our way to Rukongai for another shopping trip, Matsumoto noted the behavior of Hisoka-san as we passed him. I was in the middle of commenting on this new shop I had heard about recently when she looked over my shoulder and watched something, or rather, someone go by with a slight smile on her face. I frowned in irritation of being ignored but quickly came to the realization when she spoke a few moments later.

"So who was that oogling you, Nanao-san? He's quite handsome looking. Such beautiful eyes too. "

"What are you talking about Matsumoto-san?"

"That man that was blushing like a love struck puppy as we were going by. He couldn't keep his eyes of you. "

"Oh, you mean Hisoka-san. Why is it the only one that doesn't notice it? Kyouraku-taicho noticed too when we were leaving the 13th a few weeks ago."

"Kyouraku-taicho noticed too? Hmm… Are you interested?"

"Not significantly. While he has better manners than most of the males I encounter on a daily basis, he still has this awkwardness about him whenever He drops off paperwork from the 13th."

"Well the niceness is to be expected from the 13th, Ukitake-taicho doesn't like rude people. Why don't you give it a try? I mean, he's nice, he's handsome, and he likes you. And it might help you get your mind off a particular captain that you're still attracted to. I still don't see why you're upset with that." She smirked and winked at the last part.

I glared at first then considered what she said. "Well, it could help gettimg my mind off Kyouraku-taicho. Though I'm not really sure about this Matsumoto-san."

"Oh, just go for it! He could turn out to be the love of your life or something. Or at least try getting to know him a bit more before you completely decide."

"I suppose that attempting to engage in a less awkward conversation won't kill me. But I won't continue any further attempts if his mannerisms don't improve around me."

She smiled and squeezed my shoulder. "Good. Now about that store you were talking about."

So that was how I was convinced to give Hisoka-san a chance today. A chance at what, I am not entirely certain at this point. Maybe I'll be more interested as I learn more about him. Maybe he is like mathematics in that manner. I was initially skeptical but after a chapter or two, I greatly enjoyed it. I hope Matsumoto-san is happy about this.


	77. death grip

Tanabata just wasn't the same this year. Hisoka-san has been the source of disruption in my fairly well established life style. I enjoyed my life and career yet now those that are the closest to me are preoccupied with the whole Hisoka-san issue. And it makes me upset. Matsumoto-san has been irritating me to ask him to Tanabata, but I feel that I like how I've spent it with Kyouraku-taicho for the past few years. I did not end up asking him, yet he was there anyways.

I was not pleased when Matsumoto-san bringing up the fact while we were speaking with Kyouraku-taicho.

"Speaking of interesting people, I saw a handsome young man with green eyes looking for a young lady with violet eyes, Nanao-chan." I snapped my head to glare at her. Why did she need to bring that up in front of my superior officer?

"Oh really, Rangiku-san? Maybe you should go over and talk with him, Nanao-chan." He gave half a smile with his question. I glared at him too.

"That sounds like a good idea Kyouraku-taicho. I'm sure Nanao-san was going to do that as soon as he found him tonight." Matsumoto-san nearly sang that part. I really wanted to silence her. My typical method of quieting someone would be quite inappropriate to use on her as it utilizes the fan that she gave me. Plus the only one I really need to prevent from uttering nonsensical comments is Taicho. As I was contemplating this, I almost missed what she said after "Well, if you'll excuse us, We'll go over and see Hisoka-san."

"Of course Matsumoto-san, I'll just go find Ukitake. Bye, bye lovely Nanao-chan~! Have fun!" He winked and turned as I found myself being dragged away by my upper arm at the hand of Matsumoto-san.

"If you won't talk to the boy on you own will, I'm dragging you to him. This could be a good thing for you. You need to get your mind off your impossibly handsome captain that youo can't seem to get your mind off of. Honestly the whole denial thing is unhealthy. Ah, there he is, and right by your favorite stand too!" she paused to laugh for a moment. "So that's why you haven't had any of the pastries tonight! He knows you like them so he must have stayed there so you would eventually run into him."

She uttered all that so quickly that I had no time to put in a word edge wise. Before I had come to terms with meeting up with him, I was already there looking slightly up to him. Matsumoto-san still had her death grip on my arm so running wasn't an option. While I consider running cowardly and dishonorable, there are times where it is a tactical advantage, where you can retreat if your opposition is too great or if you need to regroup and reformulate a plan of attack. I technically did not have a course of action beforehand, so I wouldn't be "regrouping" per say. Actually, the running away altogether did not seem that cowardly at the moment. Unfortunately, I did not have that option.

Matsumoto-san left quickly after, using the excuse of seeing some of the 10th walk by. That left me alone with Hisoka-san. Our roles changed inexplicably. I was the one without well structured thought and he was the one that took charge of the conversation.

"Hi, Ise-fukutaicho. You look lovely tonight. Have you been enjoying the festivities so far?" He asked softly. I simply looked up at him not really having a good answer or at least one in the form of a sentence."

"Ise-fukutaicho? Are you feeling alright? I can walk you home if you aren't…"

Thankfully I regained my functionality. I suppose he was more comfortable in a more social setting without the office and the uniform involved. He wore a deep green yukuta that matched his eyes. I hope it was the proximity of the sweet bean pastries that distracted me to the extent that I was.

"No. no, I'm fine. I'm still obtaining my bearings from encountering Matsumoto-san. She is quite the person to be around. And thank you, yes I am enjoying the evening. You?"

"It's much nicer now that you're here…" There was an awkward pause as he blushed and looked away. "Can I get you a pastry?"

Oh , why yes, thank you."

He bought a few pastries and smiled as he handed all but one to me. It took all of my self-control not to stuff them into my mouth. I didn't want to seem gluttonous in front of others. He started chatting about how it was nice to have a day off from the paperwork, which got us started on a simple conversation. He doesn't have as many responsibilities as the 8th seat, but he still keeps busy. He really enjoyed sledding the day I joined the 13th in a bit of revelry to get their mind off their captain. Sledding is now a favorite activity of the 13th and they've invested in actual sleds. He enjoys noodles and playing cards with his friends.

Hisako-san and I walked aimlessly for an hour or so chatting amiably. I wasn't really interested in the games and apparently he wasn't either. When it came to watch the fireworks, he asked if I would join him. I am entirely grateful that he did not attempt to initiate any physical contact, but did sit at slightly closer than I would have liked. We watched the fireworks mostly in silence and when they finished he walked me home with a smile. He told me he enjoyed my company tonight. I returned verbally the sentiment even though when I closed the door I shook my head and wondered why I didn't enjoy Tanabata as much this year as I had with Kyouraku-taicho in previous years.

* * *

A/N: I'm on the fence on how this turned/is turning out. Let me know what you think!


	78. dinner sometime

Matsomoto-san was quick to get all the details of my evening the day after Tanabata. I told her how uneventful it was and that I didn't have as much fun this year. While I was telling her this she was giving me an expression that I couldn't decipher. It was similar to confusion, but at the same time it seemed like understanding. It seems paradoxical, yet that is almost how I would describe it. Did she experience something like this situation?

Hisoka-san has come by the office more often. I find it interesting that I haven't seen Kyouraku-taicho as much recently either. While I know Taicho doesn't like paperwork and typically avoids it with vigor, I'm starting to miss his visits to the office. He usually checks in once a day at least but I only see him every few days now, if that. I wonder if he doesn't want to run into Hisoka-san. If that is true, why would that be? He always said that Hisoka-san seems so nice and Kyouraku-taicho isn't one to lie about one's character. I am quite confused by his behavior.

But today was interesting. I don't think I can put a positive or negative feeling to it. Hisoka-san has become much more comfortable speaking with me. So comfortable that he asked if he could take me out to dinner. I surprised for a moment, but consented to the invitation. I really didn't have a good reason to say no. Matsumoto-san might have gotten upset if I hadn't said yes. I'm still hesitant about the whole thing, but Matsumoto-san could be right in the idea that this could prove to be the distraction I need to get my thoughts away from Kyouraku-taicho.

Well, I guess I'll see after dinner with Hisoka-san next week. I should probably save up for a shopping trip, too. Matsumoto-san will probably want to go shopping to acquire a new outfit for me to wear to dinner.


	79. date

What a night. Matsumoto decided it was a brilliant plan to stop by my quarters the moment she saw Hisoka-san leaving me at the door. At least she wasn't waiting inside. She explained that if there was some "chemistry," she didn't want to be there to interrupt it but she wanted to hear the details on how my date with Hisoka-san went.

He picked me up at around 7 from my quarters. Matsumoto convinced me to wear a hunter green yukata with a light green obi tonight. He politely complimented me on my appearance. We walked to a nice restaurant known for their noodles. A reputation that it lived up to tonight. The noodles were absolutely delicious. I was actually surprised how much I consumed. Honestly, which how much I've been eating recently, I must be going through a growth spurt soon.

We conversed quite some time on the events of the division, but Hisoka-san really didn't have too many interesting things to discuss about himself. He does not seem all that interesting to me. Maybe he is still reserved. I mean, it took him quite some time before he could speak fluently in my presence. I told this to Matsumoto-san and she agreed and convinced me to give Hisoka-san more time. He could end up being quite interesting when he opens up. I tried to be polite and keep the conversation going, yet it seemed a bit forced at times.

The walk home was just as uneventful as the walk there and dinner for that matter. I am still grateful that he hasn't tried making physical contact. I honestly wouldn't know what to do if he had. I would also prefer not getting advice from Matsumoto-san on the issue either. Something assures me that I will not get serious or appropriate wisdom on the matter from her. I suppose I'll give him a second chance. I wonder if Kyouraku-taicho had a better night than I did. My guess is that he did. Maybe next time will be better. I hope so.

* * *

A/N: Nanao's birthday tomorrow~ yay!


	80. fatal hesitation

Maybe I should have waited until the fall for the second date with Hisoka-san. The August heat was stifling in the restaurant. It was to the point where I serious regretted consenting to a second date. While we have pleasant conversation, I almost feel as if I'm wasting my time with Hisoka-san. It is quite unfortunate really. And he did nothing wrong or deserving of this. But I feel wrong continuing this charade.

I might ask Matsumoto-san about it, I might a more appropriate response from her in this area. For the most part she has been neutrally supportive of the situation. I haven't been able to discern what she feels about the scenario, yet has been supportive on whatever actions I have chosen to take.

I have heard in some places that "third's a charm." I suppose I will test this saying in seeing if Hisoka-san can turn my outlook concerning the future between us.

* * *

A/N: Happy Birthday, Nanao-chan!


	81. ire

The nerve of the boy! I was taking a nice walk to the 13th division to drop off some paperwork and possibly see if Hisoka-san was around. If he was, I was going to ask him for a subsequent evening out. And indeed he was around his division grounds, conversing animatedly with his friends. At first, it was reassuring to see that he had a more interesting side to himself and isn't completely boring. Then I was a bit upset that he didn't behave that way while we shared company.

Then I overheard the subject matter on which they were speaking. Hisoka-san was talking about his last evening with me. While he sounded like he had fun and was looking to take me out again, he said a very strange thing. It was a small aspect of the conversation, yet my emotional response was much greater and I admit, it could be out of proportion. He referred to me as "his Nanao-chan" in almost a possessive manner and it made me furious. Out of nowhere he goes from calling me "Ise-fukutaicho" and occasionally "Ise-san"to using my given name in such an intimate manner. I do not belong to anyone, especially Hisoka-san. Just as no one belongs to me.

It can be argued that Saimitsu belongs to me, but I feel we have an understanding that he is no more mine than I am his. We each cannot exist without the other so a sense of belonging is acceptable. Kyouraku-taicho has called me that same thing before, but it has always been in the sense that I am part of his division for which he is responsible, that I am his second and assume many of his responsibilities.

I attempted not to let my anger manifest itself in any manner, in the increase of reiatsu, facial expression or otherwise. I quickened my pace as to put as much distance between us and decrease the chances that he may abruptly end his discussion with his friends and come speak with me. It was in his best interest that I removed myself since I am not sure if I would leave him in tact if he so much as made eye contact with me. I was simply that angry.

Thankfully this concludes my hesitation on the matter of Hisoka-san. Apparently third isn't a charm, at least for Hisoka-san. For his sake, I hope he waits a few days to approach me, otherwise I cannot guarantee that he will walk away in one piece.


	82. green eyes

Today was quite the emotionally exhausting day. First, Hisoka-san comes into the office. He is smiling politely as usual, calm and reserved like he typically is. He strikes up another one of his bland conversations and I honestly did not have the patience for him at the moment. At least he waited a week and a half since I overheard that abhorrent nickname he referred to me as. Yet he doesn't know that. I tuned him out slightly until he took a pause and breath. I looked up since his demeanor changed to a more serious air.

"Would you like to go to dinner again with me, my Nanao-chan?"

Looking back, my emotional outburst was inexcusable, yet adequately provoked. He did not know what he was doing is wrong, but as the vice captain of the 8th, serving one of the oldest, strongest and most respected captains of the Gotei 13, I will not be possessed, especially in such a casual manner.

I stood up slowly, placed my hands upon my desk and leaned forward slightly. Looking over my glasses I spoke with the coldest voice I could manage.

"Do not dare to ever call me that again. I am not anyone's possession nor am I some little girl. And no, I do not care to spend another insufferably boring evening in your company."

"-But I thought that-"

"Clearly you are not thinking! Leave my office now or I will remove you by less than pleasant measures!"

"I can make it up to you, my Nanao-chan!"

"Enough!" I whipped off my glasses and started thinking out a destructive spell, gathering the necessary reiatsu at my fingertips aimed at Hisoka-san. After his green eyes widened and his pleading stopped, he began to register that "little Nanao-chan" is quite serious when she starts to yell and even more so when she removes the glasses.

I felt a wave of satisfaction seeing him nearly tripping himself to exit my office. Unfortunately it didn't last long as Kyouraku-taicho came into the office. It's always nice having him visit, but I wanted these moments to savor my freedom from the awkwardness that followed Hisoka-san. It has been quite curious that Kyouraku-taicho has been even more absent from the office since he brought Hisoka-san's interest in me to my attention. I hope he stays in the office more now, it has been quite difficult finding him to sign necessary paperwork.

As he came in, Taicho noticed that I was just putting on my glasses and smirked.

"Who has Nanao-chan been scaring off today?"

"I have not been 'scaring off' anyone, Kyouraku-taicho."

"You're such a bad liar, Nanao-chan. I saw you putting on your glasses and you know the rumors people are talking about when removing your glasses are concerned."

"I only had a short discussion with Hisoka-san, that's all, Taicho."

It was hard to understand what he said next since he was laughing the entire time but it went along the lines of "I would hate to have a 'short discussion' with Nanao-chan since it might result in me running all the way to the 13th"

I had to fight not to smile at that part. I find it quite difficult not letting that add to the satisfaction that my actions sufficiently conveyed my thoughts and simultaneously added fodder to the rumors.

Once he finished laughing he gave me a big smile. "Well, I should let you get back to work. It's nice having you back to yourself, my Nanao-chan~."

He turned and left before I had the chance to scream in utter frustration. I already taught one man a lesson on what to call me today! And what is worse is that Kyouraku-taicho will probably make a habit of calling me that and he doesn't seem to be the type to break habits easily. He said it in a peculiar manner now that I reflect on it. It was a bit more serious than the occasional time he's said it. Have I been acting differently during this whole ordeal? Is that why I haven't been seeing him? Or was he just giving me space? While I could see how that would be something he would do, it doesn't seem quite like him. It was still nice seeing him today. I've always enjoyed hearing his laugh.

I took a deep breath and decided to call it a day. I was too distracted at that point to be productive anymore as well. I wonder what Hisoka-san will do next time he sees me though.

* * *

A/N: Here's your birthday present, Nanao! You don't have to deal with Hisoka-san anymore! He was much too boring for you. I think you could go for someone more daring, like a man who can wear pink confidently. Or possibly someone else that comes along the way~

woot! hope you enjoyed!


	83. noticed

I was correct in my assumptions that I would experience another growth spurt soon. I've grown quite rapidly since the whole Hisoka-san fiasco became an experience in the past and no longer a present and pressing issue. I'm actually as tall as Kyouraku-taicho's shoulders now. It has been quite useful in warding off Taicho's foolish antics of attempting to touch me. I have greater range when deflecting Kyouraku-taicho with my fan now. I haven't let him touch in quite a long time, so I am unsure if I will still react inappropriately. The whole issue with Hisoka-san has made me quite wary of anything male. They can certainly be quite dense at times. And by "at times" I really mean most of the time.

As of late, Kyouraku-taicho's flirtatious manner has increased to an unprecedented level. Usually his inappropriate statements and actions are limited to once or twice a day. Now that quantity has seemed to have tripled. And that is per hour. Kyouraku-taicho has taken a greater interest in the daily happenings of the 8th division's offices. He also feels that the best place to observe and be most useful is from my office. More specifically, my floor, since I do not have the luxury of other furniture in my office. Every once in a while he will break the otherwise pleasant silence with some comment about how adorable I appear when I concentrate on a difficult report. Other times he'll admire the distant look I wear when I am mentally calculating parts of the budget.

I wonder if this new attention is from my recent growth spurt. I'm finally becoming more woman-like and growing out of my child-like appearance. Figures. Kyouraku-taicho flirts with anything feminine. It's only a natural response to notice that his vice captain is no longer a child and a woman that can be flirted with. I hope he gets over the fact I'm getting older. All of this attention is distracting and counterproductive for the division.


	84. lost

I was so distracted from my thoughts that I didn't keep track of where I was walking today. The library is a decently long walk from my quarters that included many twists and turns. Granted I could simply shunpo on the roofs directly I typically enjoy the walk to and from the library. It allows me to reflect on some of the books I've finished, plan out my schedule, when I will fit in reading and possibly the next shopping trip I'll make with Matsumoto-san.

I was engrossed in my thoughts quite thoroughly on my way back and found myself in Rukongai. The nicest areas are immediately surrounding Seireitei. Yet I found myself in a district that took a hostile view on shinigami. I don't quite understand why they dislike us. My assumption is that we found a way out of poverty and we were the ones that brought them into this place from the human world. I would be upset at anyone that would take me from this life and force me into the next.

But that wasn't what I was thinking of while I wandered my way into the higher districts. I had been formulating a list of action items for tomorrow before my thoughts turned to Kyouraku-taicho. I was thinking about all the things he does in the day, like eat, drink and sleep, and if he ever reads any books. I was so caught up in trying to figure out what sort of books Taicho would read when I noticed there were a group of men near me. Many men, with swords, essentially surrounding me. I hardly had a chance to prepare myself before one of them charged at me.

Maybe Kyouraku-taicho's attention isn't a negative thing since he was the one to deflect the stranger's attack. If he hadn't been paying close attention to where I was, I might have sustained an injury for my lack of awareness. I was broken out of my shock by his statement to the other men after he disabled one of their comrades.

"How low of you to attack a woman, and ganging up on her as well! Especially my Nanao-chan. Be glad that I intervened, I'm not sure any of you could handle an angry Nanao-chan." His voice was low and almost menacing, but in a polite and jovial manner that could only be accomplished by Taicho.

He placed his arm around my shoulder gently moving me. It served as a reminder that walking is a positive action if one is to get back home. Once I realized he was touching me, I utilized my fan efficiently, causing Taicho to whine at how cruel I can be. Honestly, the sight of a grown man pouting over his hand is rather humorous. We walked in silence for a few minutes until I decided I needed to speak.

"Arigatou, Taicho. I should have been more attentive to my surroundings. It won't happen again."

"No worries, Nanao-chan. But I do hope it won't happen again. I wouldn't know what I would do if some malicious stranger managed to hurt my lovely Nanao-chan. I might get angry or something. But I'm curious what got Nanao-chan so distracted that she forgot where she was going. I would think someone that walks to the Library as much as you wouldn't have issues getting home"

"Nothing rather important, just making up lists for tomorrow." I skipped the part about him. It wouldn't do having your captain knowing that you got so distracted thinking of him that you could hardly notice being surrounded. It makes for a poor officer. I added as an afterthought "And I highly doubt that you would get angry over such a trivial matter."

"But kawaii Nanao-chan is hardly a trivial matter! Who would be as adorable as you sitting in your desk running the division with such efficacy as my lovely Nanao-chan?" That comment along with the pitiful pout he gave me deserved another rap of the fan.

"Please stop referring to me as 'my Nanao-chan.' I do not belong to anyone." I glared up at him. At least I didn't need to crane my neck up as much as I had needed to. Yet glaring loses some of its power when you're still almost a head and a half shorter than the one you're trying to intimidate. Kyouraku-taicho smiled.

"But you are my Nanao-chan~! You're my lovely little fukutaicho that scares off any men that dare provoke her fury, whose porcelain skin should never be marred by some ruffian's sword, who's eyes cause those who look upon them in their unshielded beauty an instant of bliss if not frozen by their icy glare, whose hands-" I decided I needed to cut him off since I did not want to waste my time listening to his idle flattery. Part of me is somewhat disappointed that I've become just another woman to him. When I was younger he treated me uniquely, but now that I look different, he treats me like all of the other women he flirts with. I know it's part of who he is, but I can't help but feel this way.

"That is enough, Kyouraku-taicho. Thank you for looking out for me and walking me home today."

"Of course, Nanao-chan. And you don't need to be so formal either."

"Hai, Kyouraku-taicho. Have a good evening."

Note to self: refrain from thinking about Kyouraku-taicho while walking.


	85. library depths

Recently I've been escaping from the winter's cold in the warm comfort of the Seireitei's library. Since I've already exhausted many of the books related to kido and report filing, I've been forced to explore new sections of the library. I thoroughly enjoy the literature and adventure sections of the library, yet I felt the need to explore something new in the past few weeks. It is true that I have not conquered those sections, but considering how long one can exist in this life, I believe that I can spare some time for pursuing what may be a short term interest.

The arts section seems quite intriguing to me. This section is split in the visual arts, the performing arts and also the written arts, which includes poetry. I first took notice of the visual arts. Paintings are very much like stories. Instead of words, a picture uses colors and shapes to convey meaning. I believe there is a phrase that humans use to describe this phenomenon: "a picture is worth one thousand words." I feel that it is worth much more. Not taking in my personal interpretation, there are already volumes and volumes devoted to the discussion and meaning of a single piece of work. Most of the time it concerns the emotional and symbolic expression of the work, but the analytical papers on the painting's construction and materials are just as intriguing.

While our library focuses more upon the eastern arts, we do have a substantial section concerning the western arts. It seems as though the period referred to as the Renaissance has received a large quantity of attention and I can understand why. That movement created brilliant minds such as Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo. I wonder if it was refreshing for their culture to move from such an intellectually barren age into a time of discovery and enlightenment.

I find western art interesting, but not as much as the eastern visual expressions. Perhaps it is since our society is of a more eastern-styled culture and thus more familiar. I still find an elegant and simple watercolor painting done at the hands of a master is more breathtaking than the most elaborate western painting by one of their visionaries. Even simple eastern calligraphy is aesthetically quite pleasing.

I wonder if I might have any talent in the area. I find watercolor paintings relaxing to gaze upon. Which is useful when you've had an entire day filled with report filing and deflecting the flirtatious manner of one Kyouraku-taicho. Unfortunately I do not have sufficient time or funds currently to procure some of the materials. Maybe I will in the future, I'll make a note of saving up for a decent set.

* * *

A/N: Happy Birthday Shunsui! Sorry, you don't get your birthday present yet. Nanao-chan will take care of that eventually :-P


	86. discovered

I'm surprised at how much of my spare time I've spent in the art section of the library this winter. A part of it has been that I am quite interested in watercolors. The other has been that it's only been getting colder, driving me to the library more. My quarters is not the warmest of places. I suppose should put in a request to remedy the situation, but it give me a wonderful excuse for me to escape to the library.

Part of the reason I have enjoyed the library so much in these past couple of months has been the repose from the exuberant attention Taicho exhibits towards me. Today that function was slightly compromised when Kyouraku-taicho walked through the visual arts section to get to the written arts section. I wondered why he came to the library, since he has had eons to read all the books here. I knew that I shouldn't allow him to know the real reasons why I was there. He could tease me about my newest interest or scold me for sleeping in a cold living space. He might also turn any of these seemingly innocent topics into perverse and inappropriate conversations.

He looked as if he was deep in thought, which is somewhat unusual for him to appear so. A large portion of his time is spent on contemplation, yet he typically camouflages it as napping or basking in the sun. He noticed that there already was someone occupying the table in between the tall shelves. When he recognized who it was, his face first showed surprise then melted into a large grin.

"Hiii Nanao-chan! I've never seen you in this section before. Taken an interest in artistic expression I see." I didn't want to agree with him so I came up with a secondary cause for my interest.

"Afternoon, Kyouraku-taicho. I am merely educating myself in the manners of human culture. Since art can be considered an expression of the soul, that which we protect, it can be beneficial to have some rudimentary knowledge on the matter."

He smiled larger at my explanation. "If that's what you say, Nanao-chan~!" I was quite glad that he decided that he had already made enough comments today in the office and moved to the next section, quickly found the book he was looking for and came back through. He waved as he passed "See you later, nanao-chan! Don't stay up too late, I can't have kawaii Nanao-chan getting sick in this cold!"

I glanced quickly and noticed that the book he carried was a collection of haiku. It was rather fitting for him. He had all the time in the world, yet I could see how he would appreciate the simplicity of portraying many things with as little as possible. That is how art works.


	87. introductions of the third kind

Matsumoto-san was having lunch with me today when the vice captain of the 5th division came in with some paperwork. Typically we do not see much of the 5th division, partially since they are still readjusting to their shift in leadership. Aizen-taicho seems to have things under control for the most part and his vice captain can be seen with him often.

When I saw him standing in the doorway of my office, I turned to Matsumoto-san.

"Matsumoto-san, have you met the fukutaicho of the 5th?"

"No, I haven't…" I nodded at the doorway and she turned to look. "Ichimaru Gin-fukutaicho, this is Matsumoto Rangiku, my friend from the 10 division."

Her eyes went wide and she drew in a large breath. "Hi, Ichimaru-fukutaicho."

Ichimaru-fukutaicho had started walking in the room and waved with the hand not holding his reports. "Awww, don't be so formal Rangiku-san. Gin is fine by me." When he got to my desk he handed me the reports. Matsumoto-san was observing every move of his intently. "Here are the reports you needed Nanao-san. Best be on my way though, lots of work to get done! See ya later Rangiku-san!" With a wave, he left as quickly as he came in.

Matsumoto-san just stared at my vacant doorway until I finally spoke.

"Are you feeling alright, Matsumoto-san?' she slowly rotated her head as to face mine to reveal the glazed look in her eyes.

"Oh my…" her voice trailed off prompting me to inquire further.

"What is it? Is it something to do with Ichimaru-fukutaicho?"

"Hai…" her eyes softened. "I found him again."

"You know him?

"He saved me when I was sure I was going to die of hunger. He cared when no one else did." Her voice was distant like her eyes. Was this the thing she seemed like she was looking for when I first met her? I feel as if that is the case. I'm glad she found him then. Maybe her eyes won't seem so lost any more.


	88. annual deadline

Apparently Kyouraku-taicho believes that exerting oneself for the spring deadline of yearly reports is unacceptable. I have no say in the manner in when yearly reports are due. I'm not going to walk up to the 1st division and crane my neck to look up at Yamamoto-soutaicho and ask "Could you please change the deadlines for all the annual reports so that its spread evenly throughout the year? Or possibly push it back so it's due in the winter? Kyouraku-taicho finds it unjust that I spend the beginnings of spring cooped up inside all day." I doubt he would even acknowledge my presence there requesting a trivial thing.

Taicho dislikes having me in the office into the dead of night. As such, he provided me with a similar one he made when I first became vice captain. I either had to stay away from division headquarters or take a prolonged mission to the living world for the entirety of the month following the spring deadline. I was initially tempted to stay in Seireitei for the month and covertly complete division responsibilities. Kyouraku-taicho was quick to quell the idea by asserting that if he did catch me, which he indicated he would since he would be napping there rather frequently, that he would develop consequences for disobeying this agreement.

Since that option was effectively ruled out, I'm making plans for a month long purification mission to start the week after the deadline. I'll be spending that week delegating responsibilities I typically execute to other seated division members. I need to assure myself that they will complete the work properly the first time. Otherwise this scheme of Kyouraku-taicho's will be for naught if I need to spend the month when I return redoing their inadequate work.

* * *

A/N: I apologize for infrequent updates recently. My dad suffered complications from surgery recently, so I haven't really had time/focus/computer to write. But no worries, he should be fine soon enough and TBOIN will continue as always.


	89. circle of life

I always find it strange going to the real world. The foremost reason is that it offers too much time between tasks, leaving the mind to wander. Purifying hollows and performing konso on pluses are not exactly the most mentally taxing not time consuming tasks. My thoughts drifted to speculating on my last life here in the living world. I used to live in a community, probably similar to the one that I am stationed at. I most likely had friends and family that lived there with me.

Was I like who I am now in my living life? Did I have violet eyes while I was living? I haven't seen anyone with my colored eyes while I've been here or any other time I've gone on a mission. It must be unique to the souls waiting for the next life. I'll have to research that when I return to Seireitei.

Did I love reading as much as I do? From what I've seen though, it is somewhat difficult for women to obtain a decent education. If I retained some of my hobbies from my previous life, I would presume that I had access to a plethora of literature and books.

How old did I grow to be? That question leads to an interesting course of thought. I would like to think that I had a long life and was considered a wise woman in the community. It would be unfortunate if I was young and passed on. If I grew old enough to start a family, my children may appear older than I do, they may even have their own children. They could even quite possibly have their own if I lived a long human life. At least, I'm hoping that I found someone before I grew too old to start a family with. It's difficult considering who I may have left behind in this life. Yet there is nothing I can accomplish that would improve the matter. I have moved onto a new life and I cannot say that I am unhappy with it. It is the natural order of our existence. I only hope that those close to me in the last life have accepted that too.

I'm curious as to my cause of death as well. How did I die? Was it old age or was I fatally injured? Who performed konso on my soul? Was it someone from the 8th division? Somehow it wouldn't surprise me if it was Kyouraku-taicho that sent my soul to Soul Society.

It's also quite interesting how the living run their lives not knowing what lies after death. Some strive for the best in every moment, savoring every bit of this existence. Others have a notion that perhaps, their current life is not the end of their journey. Some find purpose, while others do not. It actually is quite complex. The afterlife seems much simpler since we know what to expect for the next life and there is not as strict a timeframe for when this one will end. Shinigami such as Taicho or Ukitake-taicho are prime examples of such.

I suppose I should go on another patrol tonight maybe that will clear my mind from these countless questions.


	90. kindness

I will do not dare to admit this aloud, not even to Matsumoto-san, but I think I may have missed Kyouraku-taicho more than is appropriate during my mission to the living world. I have grown accustomed to his frustrating yet friendly presence in my office on a daily basis. I find it strange going a month without seeing his smile or hear a cheerful remark from him, even if it is in regards to my physical appearance.

Today I was reminded what I missed most of all, his all-encompassing kindness. He was walking through the gardens with one of our younger recruits, Kenshin-san, where I had chosen to read for the afternoon. I had no paperwork for the week since Taicho convinced the officers to do a small bit extra so I could relax when I returned. Upon reflection of my return, he may have bribed them with a drinking party since there were a number of them with the appearance of a hangover that morning.

They were chatting amiably about his time at the academy when Kyouraku-taicho abruptly grabbed the younger man's shoulder stopping him. Taicho then released his shoulder and bent down to Kenshin-san's feet where a small turtle was crawling along in the grass.

"Careful, turtle-chan! We don't want you to get hurt. Let's bring you back to the pond where it's safe!"

He picked up the little turtle in both his hands and then took several long strides to the pond and lowered the turtle in the shallows. He waited for it to swim away.

"Bye bye turtle-chan! See you again sometime! Now, Kenshin-kun you were telling me about your zanjutsu instructor…."

He put a hand on Kenshin-san's shoulder and gave him a small gesture to start walking again. For a short moment, Kyouraku-taicho looked over to me and gave me an unusual gentle smile, unlike his typical grins. He turned his attention back to Kenshin-san before I could make any sort of acknowledgement but I am certain that Kyouraku-taicho knows I observed his actions.

I missed his kindness indeed.

* * *

A/N: ahhh my life is returning back to normal. And I'm getting some of my focus back. Thanks for being patient!


	91. allergies

This week has been miserable. Either I have developed allergies or the pollen this year is unusually plentiful. It has been a blessing and a burden simultaneously while attempting to work in the office. On the one hand I sneeze at a abnormally high rate, enough so where I cannot get through an entire report without smudging or creating a stray ink stroke on at least one of the pages. On the other hand, Kyouraku-taicho has realized there is a direct correlation between his presence in the office and the increase in reaction to the pollen. Taicho tends to trail more pollen into the room from lounging in the pleasant June weather and thus causing more irritants to get into my immediate environment. Especially since Kyouraku-taicho does not observe the concept of "personal space."

As a result, he has avoided the office while I occupy it, which is seemingly against his nature. Other division members have been kind and offered to obtain tea for me, to keep the doors closed, take on an extra report or any other sort of errand that might alleviate my allergies. If I were in better health, I might enjoy this more, yet I still appreciate their efforts. I wonder if they realized how Taicho has been avoiding the office and has interpreted it as their vice-captain being in a more than foul mood.

The only reason why my writing here has been as neat as it has been is from the rain this afternoon. Thankfully it has cleared away a large portion of the airborne particles, partially alleviating my symptoms. Unfortunately the rain is not a permanent solution, so I will pay the 4th a visit and inquire to any sort of treatments available. Yet I truly enjoy how the office has been aside from my health. No, I do not desire to prolong this condition. I'll have to discover some other means of keeping a division full of helpful members and quieter captains.


	92. summer heat wave

The end of July never seems to be enjoyable for me. The sweltering heat never makes office work any more tolerable. The office remains somewhat cool since it keeps out the sun, but the stifling heat causes sweat. Sweat dampens the hands and leaves prints and smudges on the reports. Then it appears as if messy little children are responsible for completing the paperwork for the 8th division. While I am no longer a child, in relative terms to other shinigami in Seireitei, I might as well be. Not only does the heat cause report damaging moisture from officers, it also has its own humidity. All of my paperwork droops and wilts in my hands. I abhor my paperwork being compromised in any fashion.

Maybe I dislike the end of July since it is the longest time until my birthday returns again. I never really enjoyed my birthday until I became vice captain. It actually is nice having a festival on my birthday. Kyouraku-taicho made sure that I attended Tanabata at the threat that he would drag me there or even worse, give stacks of reports to the various vendors at the festival and instructed them not to relinquish any of the 8th's property to me until I participated fully in the games there. While I was tempted to stay in the office and finish up that large training roster I've been working on, that threat determined my outlook on the situation. I hope he never uses that threat again. I had nightmares for the following week of all the paperwork being used as prayer paper for the gods, destroyed by fireworks, soaked in the water themed booths, used as napkins at the food stands and any other number of horrible things you can do to the reports. I'll need to make it clear to Kyouraku-taicho that he should watch his back if he ever uses that threat again.

And upon the subject of Taicho, he has developed a new method of coping with this excessive warmth. He decided that this summer was as good as any to start removing both his haori's to maintain a more comfortable body temperature. It leaves his forearms exposed more. Not that I notice. Also, I thought that he already had his uniform loose around his torso, but he has proven me wrong with this heat wave. Why can't I have a captain that wears his clothes properly? It's very hard not to notice how aesthetically pleasing Taicho is in black. Like how nicely it frames his chest.

I never thought I would wish for winter to come sooner.

* * *

A/N: not sure where that situation came from since it feels nothing like a heatwave here. Honestly, this summer has been so cold and wet. At least Nanao get some of the summer fun :-P

And while I'm not sure what I'm planning in the near future, it seems that my creativity came back. How do people feel about a time-skip of sorts? It wouldn't be too terribly long and considering the pace I've been at (an entry for each month) it could help things move forward a bit. I mean if you do the math... that is a large number of chapters to even get to present day. Let me know your thoughts on the situation. :-P


	93. ice cream

August hasn't been any better with the heat than July was. I suppose that it hasn't been a completely negative experience since Kyouraku-taicho introduced me to an interesting food. He must have noticed how hot it has been and that I haven't coping with it as well as I would have hoped in the office. As a result, Taicho brought in a pair of what he called ice cream cones. He said one was chocolate flavored, while indicating the brownish one, and the other was vanilla which as a cream colored substance atop the cone. I decided to go with the vanilla since it seemed as if it may be a decent entry into a new food product. I prefer not to be shocked when encountering new things.

He handed me the vanilla cone while I stared at it for a moment.

"Nanao-chan, aren't you going to eat it? It might melt soon. Then it'll get messy."

"I would, Sir, but how exactly do I go about consuming this… ice cream?"

"You lick it, like this." And he proceeded to lick his chocolate ice cream. After I got the initial idea I quickly averted my eyes since seeing him do that distracted me for some reason. I did not want to stay mesmerized by such a simple action and I had my own ice cream cone to attend to. I would be quite upset if I dripped any on my paperwork so I leaned back in my chair. At least I would be able to clean my uniform more efficiently than reports if I got ice cream on them.

Kyouraku-taicho, satisfied at his quick ice cream lesson, went to sit by the window watching the outside laze in the late summer heat while we attempted to lower our temperatures by this treat. I admit, I felt much better after finishing the ice cream and cone as well. Kyouraku-taicho licked his fingers once he finished his chocolate ice cream. He looked over at me and inquired.

"Do you like it, Nanao-chan?"

"Hai, Taicho. It's sweet and smooth as well as cold which is quite welcome at the moment."

He grinned: "I'm glad you liked it. Do you have any paperwork for me today?"

I was a bit taken aback at his proactive behavior but quickly overcame that thought.

"Not today, Sir. I am certain I will tomorrow. Thank you for asking." I gave him a small smile as a gesture of good will. I wanted it to be clear that his asking was not lost on me.

"Well then, I'll let you get back to work, but don't overwork yourself, Nanao-chan. I don't want lovely Nanao-chan to overwork herself in this heat. If she ever feels like she needs a break to cool down, her Taicho is more than willing to go get more ice cream with her." With that, a wave and a charming smile, he swept out the door into the thick haze.

Only after a few moments, I realized he didn't do anything inappropriate towards me. Did something happen for him to change his behavior or was he just simply being nice? My instinct tells me that he was being thoughtful in getting an ice cream for his second. I liked the ice cream too, I wonder if he thought that I would. And apparently there are different flavors. I'll need to sample them to see which I prefer, but vanilla was quite enjoyable as simple as it was. Maybe I will take Kyouraku-taicho up on his offer.


	94. flavor sampler

I approached Kyouraku-taicho shortly after he brought me an ice cream cone almost a month ago. I found him in one of the less traveled groves in the 13th division grounds. Occasionally he will spend the afternoon there waiting for Ukitake-taicho to finish up his reports for the day. I brought some paperwork for him to sign as my initial reason for the interruption of his afternoon lounging. Once he signed the reports, I was finished for the day. As he handed the papers back to me I started to relate my true purpose to him.

"Thank you Kyouraku-taicho. Now that I have completed my responsibilities for the day, I was curious if you would assist me in sampling other ice cream flavors."

His gaze transformed from one of intrigue to that of excitement once I finished my request. I wonder if he could read that I was as excited as he was concerning the various flavors of the frozen treat. He stood up gracefully as always and grinned.

"Of course Nanao-chan! I'll show you a wonderful ice cream shop I've found."

"What about Ukitake-taicho? Weren't you waiting for him?" I didn't want him to leave Ukitake-taicho waiting.

"Don't worry Nanao-chan, If he finishes soon, He'll come and join us. Ukitake enjoys ice cream too."

Kyouraku-taicho started to put his arm around me after we started walking and I deflected his hand with my fan again. I dislike those actions of his, especially when he tries them on me since he should know that I do not appreciate them. Or rather, I do not appreciate how they make me feel.

"Nanao-chan! That hurts!"

"No it doesn't, Taicho. You merely over exaggerate your reaction to make me feel guilty for taking strong measures against your frivolous actions."

"Does it work, lovely Nanao-chan?"

"No it does not, Kyouraku-taicho." In reality, I do feel slightly guilty, until I remember the other females he flirts with.

After a bit more bantering, the conversation topic moved to other frozen treats. Apparently many cultures have frozen treats with varieties of flavors. As time has progressed more flavors have been introduced and recently humans have combined ice cream with carbonated beverages. One such beverage is the "black cow" which combines root beer and vanilla ice cream. I was very excited to try one of those.

I first tried chocolate, since Kyouraku-taicho seemed like he enjoyed it the other day. It was rich, slightly bitter and for lack of a better word, chocolaty. Taicho appeared to enjoy himself at the ice cream shop. Halfway through our ice cream, Ukitake-taicho joined us and obtained his own cone. Kyouraku-taicho asked if he could taste my ice cream and moved his hand to reach for my cone. I pulled out the fan again quickly and returned it back to my uniform.

"Nanao-chan! Where does that fan come from?! I only wanted to try your ice cream."

"You've already tried chocolate and I could go as far as to assume that you have already tried all the flavors here, so do not even try to use that excuse again."

"Ukitake, isn't she so cruel to me? I can't even share a little ice cream with my lovely Nanao-chan. I'm the one who introduced her to the wonderful dessert."

Ukitake-taicho just laughed lightly at our interaction and just shook his head. We returned to typical conversation shortly after Taicho's unnecessary behavior and discussed a number of things before it was time for dinner.

We repeated our trips to the ice cream shop several times each week for the past month. Occasionally Kaien-san and Miyako-san would join us as well. I was able to sample every flavor and asses them multiple times. I believe I still enjoy vanilla the best. Yet I am now anticipating any new flavors so I can try them out as well.


	95. coffeeless

The past few days have been quite upsetting. The temperature was lower than expected for October earlier this week and I was looking forward to a cup of coffee. When I went to the barracks to make my morning cup of coffee, I realized I had none left. The bags that I had brought back from my previous trip have finally run out and I lost track of my inventory. I fell so foolish missing such an elementary detail. I decided to forgo my coffee for the day and move on to my responsibilities.

I developed a headache that afternoon. I dislike any physical ailment. The allergies I went through earlier were quite enough to last me for a year. I finished the daily tasks as quickly as possible and went home to rest and attempt to relieve my symptoms. When more rest didn't solve the problem, I tried going to the hot springs to relax. I felt relatively better, but it did not completely remove my headache. I had an early dinner and then turned in for the night.

The yesterday was similar with another pounding headache. I coud not perform up to my usual standards and even the smallest irritation was too much to handle. I received Kyouraku-taicho's typical late morning greeting with little pacience. It wasn't surprising that Taicho didn't linger for too long while I was in such a foul mood. I decided to delegate my tasks off to our 3rd and 4th seat officers. I needed to make a trip to the real world and purchase more coffee. I found the nearest coffee shop when I entered into the world of the living and purchased much more coffee this time and along with a cup to go for some more immediate relief. I returned back to my quarters for the remainder of the afternoon to allow the caffeine to work its way through my system. I had forgotten that caffeine was an addictive substance that has consequences of feeling withdrawal if you remove yourself from it for too long.

Junko-san and Manabu-san did a satisfactory job taking care of my responsibilities yesterday. I was pleased enough to insist that they take the afternoon off tomorrow. Kyouraku-taicho made of for time he didn't spend in the office earlier with more inappropriate comments than usual. I can only assume that he was glad to see me back to what he considers as my usual cold self.


	96. vicennial

Kyouraku-taicho decided that he would wait only until nine months in advance to inform me that the division would undergo a thorough assessment. Apparently this is a regular occurrence every 20 years, but I have only been here for eleven by the time he told me. I proceeded to tell him exactly how upset I was in language much stronger and louder than I typically use. He tried to interrupt me and calm me down during my short tirade of him not informing me of such an important thing that is not detailed in any of the procedural manuals I've encountered on running a division. I left no room for extraneous comments from him to say the least. When I continued without hesitation at his useless please for calm, his eyes widened to a point, and then he started to smile. I did not appreciate how he could smile in the face of such a situation to the point of throwing one of my paperweights at him. I missed which made him smile more. At that point I screamed and told him to get out. He just tilted his head and almost looked apologetic before he turned as he wordlessly exited my office.

I remained standing for a few moments vibrating in frustration before I collapsed in my chair. I expended a substantial quantity of energy reprimanding my superior officer. While at the time I was fairly concerned I was going to face some sort of reprimand for my actions, there were never any. I should know by now that Kyouraku-taicho is very laidback and even then, that is an understatement. I believe that he felt he could trust me to take on this task left to my own devices. To be honest, I had already started developing an action plan for the 8th to be prepared when the month long inspection took place.

First, we needed to reevaluate our training structure. I felt that the previous method of the individual based training lacked merits of a more team based training. I had been meaning to alter it in some manner, I had never came up with a concrete plan. Now that the pressure was on, the ideas became much clearer. While many missions are done solo, the ones where multiple shinigami are dispatched are much more crucial. The commanding officer has already decided that the scenario is more than one shinigami can handle on their own. I have already had my own skirmish with the lack of disregard for both orders and teamwork. I broke down the division into members of approximately the same skill level in different areas. This way a single group can see the merit of different methods of attack and defense and how a variety of skills is advantageous to the group.

So far the training has done well. The groups switch every month or two so that division members have the opportunity to meet others and learn and work with multiple people. This also keeps groups from getting ingrained so that shinigami are unwilling to work with anyone besides their group. Sometimes when I switch groups, I will put a slightly more advanced member or a particular style with another so they have a sort of role model and can possibly gain a few tips with them without feeling overwhelmed by the difference in their abilities. The division still understands the importance of practice on their own since no one can help you learn about your own soul but yourself. Overall, the skill in the division has increased and I might say that I am proud of their efforts.

I also called in Junko-san and Manabu-san to help me go over the division budget. Junko-san, the 4th seat, has more strength in division priorities, so I had her overlook the distribution of our funds and how much we are spending on what. While I believe I have it well allocated already, but I wanted a second opinion. Manabu-san has a talent for numbers as well. I asked him to double-check all of my calculations and assure that everything has been accounted for correctly.

Kyouraku-taicho has been nothing but supportive of the whole process. He did add to the revamping of the 8th division, which is quite appropriate of him for once. While it may not have been directly related to the duties of a shinigami, it created awareness of our presence here in Seireitei and our purpose as shinigami. Admittedly, his portion was more relaxing and enjoyable, but it is only to be expected from him since his personality is poured into everything he does. The division would have parties together and forget all the competition between each other and be grateful for our friends and comrades here. We would take a trip to a field and relax and enjoy the life we live. We would remember the friends we have lost and consider their souls are the ones that we bring back here. We accept the bitter truth that they could have become hollows, but it is our duty as shinigami, but most of all our comrades and friends, that we purify their souls and cleanse them from such suffering and emptiness. While Kyouraku-taicho always seems like a lackadaisical flirt with no care in the world, moments like those convince me otherwise.

The week before the inspection, I had been working furiously in my office on last minute paperwork. Kyouraku-taicho was quite insistent in trying to get me to relax and take a break, since I've already done more than anyone else could have hoped to do in a decade in what I accomplished in nine months. I refused to listen to him since there were some forms we were running behind on.

On the eve of the inspection, Kyouraku-taicho opened the door and strode in with a purpose, I was tempted to look up since he usually doesn't walk like that but before I could, his visage was mere inches away from my own. Typically I would ignore such antics with continuing my paperwork, but that was quite impossible since Kyouraku-taicho had cleverly maneuvered himself between. Before I could completely register exactly how close my captain was to me he had to utter something so…ridiculous.

"There's two ways to get me out of your way, my lovely Nanao-chan..." His voice was so deep and distracting.. "Either you come with me and get something to eat, even just ice cream would do, or…" he paused to let that sink in, "You give your charming Taicho a kiss…"

I am ashamed that I had given even a fraction of a second to seriously consider the second option. Honestly, could it be so bad? There was just something about how his eyes looked into my own. My breath functioned in a peculiar manner and my skin tingled. Then I mental hit myself with my fan and continued to physically strike Kyouraku-taicho for suggesting the absurd.

"I would advise against making abhorrently distasteful statements such as those, Kyouraku-taicho." Taicho responded with a pout yet his eyes showed something quite different. It wasn't quite laughter, but something between delight and victory. I know what I saw, but I am not quite sure why I saw it.

"Knowing that you will be true to your word," since he still was in between me and my work, "I will obviously take the first option, since it is the only viable one." He grinned and stood up and looked back down to me.

"Always so cold, Nanao-chan! Maybe some hot noodles will warm you up some. Or maybe a big hug-"

I had gotten up and stood beside him at this point and when he moved to put his arm around me, the fan came out again.

"Please desist, Kyouraku-taicho. It's unbecoming of a captain to behave in such a manner."

"Awww, I guess I will settle for admiring my Nanao-chan from afar!"

"I am not your Nanao-chan!" I had already started walking to my favorite noodle shop and left the office before Kyouraku-taicho came and followed me. For the most part he behaved for the rest of the evening and for the following inspection month to my grateful surprise. I really appreciate him taming himself for as long as he had. Once the inspection crew left and the summary of their report was given, Taicho immediately tried to give me a kiss for "doing such a wonderful job with the division! I'm so proud of my kawaii Nanao-chan!" If it hadn't been said in the same manner, I would have been touched by his comment. But as it was, it was another flirtatious gesture, even if it was meant to be sincere.

The day after it was all over, today for that matter, there were several new things on my desk. Firs t there was a thick report of the official vicennial inspection report. Second was a large box of sweet bean pastries, new brush set and another advanced kido spell book focusing on defense. Obviously it was from Taicho, but it was a sincere gesture of gratitude and approval. I know I did an excellent job, but nothing really portrays that as much as your superior's approval.

Taicho also left a note:

"I can never fully express how much I appreciate your hard work in the 8th. You truly have done an excellent job, Nanao-chan. But I can't have you working yourself to exhaustion all over again, so the other seated officers are going to take care of things for the next month. You deserve a real vacation. So go do something you really enjoy and reports are not an answer. Nanao-chan cannot convince me that that's her favorite thing. You can probably clear out a nice portion of the Gotei library. Enjoy yourself Nanao-chan!"

And now I find myself on vacation. What to do?


	97. vacation, all I ever wanted

I'm uncertain whether I'm feeling relaxed or bored. It's been quite some time since I felt either of those. I have a tendency to be more productive if it is training and practice or educating myself on the finer points of being a shinigami. This was even before I became vice captain of the 8th five years ago. I've been so unbelievably occupied these past five years that I had forgotten about the terms "relaxed" or "bored," or at least in relation to myself. When referring to Kyouraku-taicho, though, that is an entirely different manner. He naturally is relaxed and sometimes has the air of being bored. Yet he enjoys every moment of it.

I am occasionally envious of how Taicho can simply be and not have the undeniable drive to be constantly productive. Especially in times such as these when Taicho forces me to remove myself from anything that is related to working for the 8th division. But that does not include him coming to see me and pursue me with his outrageous comments. That is still allowable during vacation.

I've attempted some watercolor paintings during my first week, but my hand cramped up since I am unused to those brush strokes. Then I read a large stack of books that did not have anything to do with division responsibilities. Who knows if Kyouraku-taicho was either keeping an eye on what library sections I was visiting or would check later and force me to take even more vacation time. I even asked Ukitake-taicho for any books he could recommend to me, but unfortunately he had no suggestions this time.

Leaving me little else to do, I went on several shopping trips with Matsumoto-san. I purchased more watercolors and papers to go along with my new brush set. Matsumoto-san was looking at the various shoes and jewelry in the stores. She didn't purchase as much since her pay isn't as large as mine, so I treated her to some lunch. She has such strange taste in food I have come to realize. Even after the trip, I was at a loss of what else to do with my vacation.

Which brings me here, under this tree, basking in the afternoon sun of late September. I feel like my captain, lounging here in the grass and communing with nature. It doesn't feel as if I'm allowed to do the same though. It is something that defines Kyouraku-taicho and is out of character for me. I also cannot quiet my thoughts where I can simply enjoy.

It actually is September 21st today, so it is exactly 5 years since I became vice captain. Looks like Kyouraku-taicho remembered too, since he's walking over here to see me. I wish I had brought my journal in a bag, since there would be less temptation for Taicho to see what this is when he comes close enough.


	98. just like old friends

Kyouraku-taicho certainly does a good job keeping me on my toes. I really had nowhere to stow away my journal before Taicho came close enough to notice it. He did a poor job hiding his curiosity about it . Once he gave me a large smile his eyes drifted to the black leather bound book resting at my side. Even while he was sitting beside me, he couldn't keep his eyes from glancing at it. That doesn't mean that he didn't spend a decent amount of time between nearly staring at me or looking off into the quiet river down below. I can't blame him for being mesmerized by the river though. I am as well. Partially due to the similarities between this place and my soul, though I cannot say the same for Kyouraku-taicho.

The afternoon together was mostly spent on reminiscing the short time I've been in the 8th. Kyouraku-taicho still remembers the day we met twelve years ago. He called me "little shinigami-chan" before he knew my name. Now he overuses my given name. I might prefer the childish nickname he has stubbornly referred to me as . Somehow I have a feeling that I will always be Nanao-chan to him and he will always call me his for some outlandish reason. Part of me accepts that fact only because it gives me a place to belong. It's been a decade since Lisa-san left and she took my first connection with the 8th with her. Kyouraku-taicho has done an excellent job in helping me form a new attachment to the 8th, but not exactly the ones he hoped. I will not give my "handsome and charming taicho loving kisses."

He told me something quite interesting about his relation to this place. It used to be his favorite place when he was younger. I noted on the past tense that he was using and delicately inquired upon the nuance. Taicho replied that he had some of his best and worst memories here and sometimes they're too much to handle. Offhandedly, he remarked on how the tree used to be much smaller, which was quite easy since it was one of the largest and oldest sakura trees in Seireitei. Yet all trees would have grown and entirely new ones from his youth to be giant trees if you've been around as long as Taicho has. After a pause, he looked at me far serious than usual and proceeded to tell me that those memories drift by the wayside while he's here with me. Either he truly was serious or thousands of years of practice granted him the ability to say such things to flirt with women. While I want to trust my initial reaction, logic tells me I should take these things with a grain of salt.

We sat in silence for some time as well. It was comfortable silence though, unlike the silence in my office when another division member comes in before he gives his report. It was a silence that didn't yearn to be broken, but relaxed in the late sunlight, like Taicho did. We watched the sunset fade into twilight, then into the starry sky. My eyelids were starting to droop when Kyouraku-taicho stood up and offered his hand to assist me. I stared at it for a moment before I decided to take it reluctantly. I was getting tired and would have nearly forgotten my journal if Taicho wasn't looking at it again. Honestly, I might have to hide it now that it has captured his stubborn curiosity. Overall though, this might have been the best day of my vacation thus far.


	99. messing with your head

I had initially believed that I was losing my mind. Then I considered the more probable explanation was that someone has been touching my personal belongings. I occasionally bring my journal to the office and recently, it hasn't been quite where I thought I had left it. I was certain that I had left my journal facing one way when I left the office to obtain a cup of tea, yet when I returned, the binding was facing the other way. There was another instance where I thought I had left it approximately an arm's length from the edge of the desk but once I returned to my empty office it was closer to the edge than I believe I had left it.

This has been occurring on a somewhat regular basis for the past month. Judging by the initial incidence of my journal not being where I had left it and the general timing of mid to late afternoon of its movement, it was a scheme that Kyouraku-taicho came up with. He would never be in the room when I entered or exited my office, but he would certainly visit within a half hour of my return. It He believes he is being inconspicuous in his actions. It will take much more in order to out maneuver me in my own office.

Knowing that Kyouraku-taicho has been clearly in contact with my journal, I felt it prudent to safeguard it with some binding kido spells. I would like to remove the temptation for him reading it. So I would like to put as many obstacles in between him and my private thoughts. Granted, only more recent happenings are in this particular book since I've already filled several others over the years. Yet still, there are too many things that I would rather keep to myself. And considering how lazy he can be, a few of the more advanced kido spells should be adequate.


	100. broken spell

Hi Nanao-chan~!

You should know by now that average kido spells aren't too much of an issue for your humbly strong captain! Kyouraku Shunsui has been using kido for quite awhile and has quite a long time to master most of it. I guess you can just add that to all the winning qualities your fearless captain has that I'm sure that you keep in here!

But I never knew that you kept a journal. I thought I saw this make an appearance in the office occasionally but never really thought about it too much. I suppose you have to vent those emotions to keep such a cold attitude to Taicho all the time, so it doesn't surprise me. Sometimes it's good to have someone to talk to you about it too. Journals can't really give you feedback. People have different perspectives and you're always welcome to mine, lovely Nanao-chan.

But before you start getting upset, Nanao-chan, I haven't a single thing you've written. While sometimes you may not think the best of me, with my habits and everything, I wouldn't stoop to read your journal. I just knew that you have a hard time believing anything unless it's written in a book and I figured you'd believe your own.

I wanted to let you know that even though you might not think it, you're doing a wonderful job running the division. In reality, you really didn't need to put in any effort preceding the big inspection. I know you still have plenty of room to grow in your own abilities, but that doesn't mean that I'm not already proud of you. Did you know that some of the other captains are starting to get jealous? They mostly keep quiet since I've got quite a bit of seniority on them, but why should such a lazy captain have such a hardworking lieutenant? I still wonder that myself.

Well, whatever the reason, I don't want to get rid of it since it's too much fun working with you. I just hope you think the same.

But next time Nanao-chan, you might want to use some stronger kido~!

Your Captain,

Kyouraku Shunsui~

* * *

A/N: oh wow! 100 chapters! Of course Shunsui gets the honors :-P Thanks to all that have been reviewing! I promise I've been reading them all - they make my day a little bit brighter - I'll get around to responding hopefully this weekend. And if you don't review, thanks for being such good readers and keeping up with Nanao! :-P


	101. furious

Furious. Utterly and unreservedly furious. Moving my paperwork is only mildly acceptable since it technically is division property, which he is the leader of and thus his paperwork. I just happen to complete all of it for him. But to dispel my kido on my journal crosses the line. I put up with his flirtatious behavior, his lack of work ethic , his drinking but this is over the edge!

When I came into the office yesterday I didn't see my journal not my captain for the rest of the day and then when I come in this morning, I find my journal on my desk sitting there innocently. I open to check if it's dismembered in any way and… he wrote in it! MY journal! He has his own salary and his own time, why can't he write in his own journal. I quickly scanned what he wrote and if I weren't so livid I might actually appreciate what he said!

He came into the office, he wore that suspicious "I did something I think is witty" look. Well, Kyouraku Shunsui, think it all you want! I stood up and moved to stand in front of my desk with journal in hand. The hint of surprise in his eyes were somewhat gratifying but the feeling was overwhelmed by the distasteful playfulness that dominated his gaze. It made me shake with anger. He walked so he was in arms length and stood too close for comfort. He already crossed one line today but he had the audacity to cross the line of my personal space. I'm quite surprised I didn't burn or indent my journal at that point. But my thoughts were pushed aside as he spoke first.

"Goood morning, Nanao-chan!! How are you on this lovely day?" He finished with a happy smile on his face, as if nothing were wrong.

"I cannot believe you!" I nearly exploded.

"Believe what, Nanao-chan?" He was still using that sing-song voice.

"What in this world possessed you to break my kido spells to write if MY journal?"

"You didn't read what I wrote? I thought it explained it rather nicely."

"I glanced at it but I was too infuriated that you would actually write in my journal! How can I know you didn't read it? Moving my journal from one place to another is one thing and is a game that I can somewhat tolerate, but this is unacceptable!" My chest was heaving since I uttered all of that quite quickly.

"But Nanao-chan, I give you my word I didn't read it. I'm not that callous to personal bounds, even though I tend to bend them…" He moved closer and I was not in the mood for games. Since my book was already in hand and he apparently was already well acquainted with it, I assumed he wouldn't mind encountering it again.

"Nanao-chan!" His hand went to nurse his cheek where my book had struck. "Did you really need to hit that hard? I was only-"

"I don't care what you were trying to do! You opened my journal and pissed me off! Now get out of my office before I use excessive force!"

Kyouraku-taicho met the fiercest glare I could give him with laughing eyes. That seriously ticked me off, but I suppose he hasn't heard me use that sort of language that amused him. Yet I am not here for some captain's amusement.

My hand started to glow with some kido and Taicho's eyes darted to look at it. He turned to leave and spoke as he was taking long strides to the door.

"That's what I love about my Nanao-chan, she's so feisty!"

That did it. As Kyouraku-taicho looked over his shoulder when he got to the door and saw a large ball of one of the more advanced kido spells careening towards his head. His eyes widened, as did his smiled and he ducked holding his hat upon his head.

"Byyyee Nanao-chan~! I hope that made you feel better!" He dashed off to the right towards his own office.

I screamed once he was out of sight and I swear I could hear his laughter down the hallway. While at first his parting comment was somewhat perplexing, he was right. I did feel better. I have been holding all sorts of frustrations about him and he gave me a wonderful opportunity to take it out on him.

I actually did read what he said after I had calmed down considerably. He wrote a sweet note. He was right though, his comments have much more weight when he risks such retribution for doing such an act. I'm glad he appreciates me and the effort I put into our division.

Yet that doesn't change the fact that I still have to bind my journal. I'll have to step up my binding spells.

* * *

A/N: Woo! that was fun to write - there actually is a picture on deviant art that actually contributed in inspiration for this chapter. One where Nanao wails on Shunsui's face with a book. Yeahh. I've been getting comments about some more interdivision contact, but part of the reason that we haven't seen them is that logically, they aren't on the Gotei 13 scene yet. Many of the current fukutaicho won't come to the academy for another couple of decades or so. Others, it's not so clear. I've actually been kinda mapping out the time from various clues. I probably have Matsumoto off in her appearance, but Nanao needed a gal pal. Nanao's only been around 12 years in my estimate. That's why were doing some time skips. But as always, hope you enjoyed!


	102. every little thing he does

I think I have partially forgiven Taicho for his nearly inexcusable intrusion of my personal property. He has been proactive in helping me with the paperwork for the past few months. At first I was angry with him for trying to placate me, but he did it despite my accusations of his insincerity. When he continued to be… surprisingly and refreshingly helpful… I started to realize he is quite sincere when he says he is. Of course this is disregarding the consistent flattery and shower of compliments from him. I'm finally beginning to ignore that they exist entirely; the only exception is to rebuke him for unprofessional behavior. While in one hand, he probably won't change his ways since they have had millennia to develop, he might not have had someone that is willing to challenge his actions. Yet, I do not expect much to improve.

It's been difficult to stay angry with Taicho as well. I usually can't remember the reason why I'm angry in the first place when he does small gestures like having a hot cup of coffee on my desk when I arrive in my office. Which is quite a feat since I usually do not see him until much later in the morning. Or when he'll leave a simple little flower on my desk when I come back for lunch, even though it's winter. He makes sure that someone comes in and checks that my office isn't too cold if he doesn't do it himself. He abhors how I will tolerate a crisp office, even if I shake slightly. He also organizes and stacks the paperwork the way I prefer it, even though I never told him that detail. He has immense observational skills and can apply the things he learns in the most considerate and kind ways. I suppose it is a quality of his that I would admit that I admire.


	103. 4th division

One of our mission groups that went to the living world recently suffered numerous injuries. As such, I've been spending a large portion of my less scheduled time and resources either completing the required paperwork for excessive treatment or visiting the members at the 4th. Fortunately all four of them are expected to make either full or nearly full recoveries.

I've met many of their officers from spending as much time as I have there over the course of the week. Their vice captain, Yamada Seinosuke, is rather skilled in healing kido. I was actually quite surprised at the rate at which my division members are healing under his care. I might have to ask him for some helpful advice when using healing kido. Currently I am more proficient in defensive and offensive kido but not as much in the more curative nature of the skill.

While his professional qualities are rather noteworthy, his demeanor bothers me slightly. He yelled at his subordinates in an unseemly manner for a person of his rank. He shouldn't need that course of action if he could properly lead. Seinosuke-fukutaicho is well aware of his skills and insures that everyone else around him does.

Perhaps I have grown accustomed to a division lead by a more humble captain, even though his skills are of the best. Well sometimes he will jokingly mention a quality in hopes to impress some female. On the other end of the spectrum, Yamada-fukutaicho has a sort of smug air about him. I admire confidence. Yet walking tall should not make you look down upon those you feel are inferior to yourself. Taicho never treats anyone as lesser than himself. It seems as if he has an understanding that everyone starts somewhere. He didn't start off as a captain and no one can be expected to. Even when he first met me, he always treated me with respect…

Maybe I will emphasize some education in healing techniques and first aid. I would prefer that my division members spend as little time in the 4th, especially under the care of such a conceited executive officer. I find it strange, though. Unohana-taicho is one of the most elegant and thoughtful shinigami I have met. I have only spoken with her on several occasions, yet I feel quite comfortable in her presence. I do know not to irritate her, since it seems that even her own division members will bend over backwards to insure her satisfaction. But how could such an honorable captain have such a vice captain? I guess there are stranger pairs. Such as the 5th division. Aizen-taicho is similar to Unohana-taicho, yet Ichimaru-fukutaicho troubles me. But, I'd never say such a thing to Matsumoto-san, since she seems to care for him.

I guess Taicho make an interesting team too. I work as if my life depended upon it and he relaxes as if its his job. He is warm and welcoming and I am getting the impression I may come across as cold and distant. Yet we work well for some reason or another. Maybe captain, vice captain teams being odd matches isn't a negative quality.


	104. patrol face

Kyouraku-taicho had managed to end up with me any night I'm scheduled for night patrol in the recent years. It befuddles me on how he manages it. I am the one who drafts the schedules the members for their specific nights and I typically rotate who is paired with whom. Yet I make a certain exception for not pairing myself with Taicho. I already have enough of him harassing me with degrading terms of endearment and attempts at physical contact during his brief visits to my office in the day. It seems as nothing I do can discourage such behavior, including specifically scheduling for different nights. I make certain that everyone in the division takes part in the general responsibilities since we are a division together and while we have different ranks, we should each contribute to the division's wellbeing.

Yet, regarding the subject, Kyouraku-taicho always takes the place of my scheduled partner. I'll always question him and he will come up with some answer like, "Shou-san asked if I could I could switch night patrols with him. Some cute shinigami from the 3rd asked him out for a drink," or "Nanami-san wasn't feeling to well at the office today so when she said she was concerned about her shift tonight, I offered to cover for her." I am quite suspicious of these explanations. I sincerely believe he just wants to cause me more grief by being insufferably flirtatious, inappropriate and attractive.

That last adjective was supposed to be insincere. Yet sometimes it's difficult to convince myself of that when he does expend a large quantity of energy trying to invoke some sort of reaction from me with his typical actions. There are just too many parts to his personality. Most times he's simply enjoying himself and absorbing the world around him. Other times he genuinely enjoys himself, typically when he's with Ukitake-taicho or when we're having a normal conversation. He always looks amused when I'm frustrated at him. And when I'm about to scream at him, he nearly bursts with laughter, but does his best not to, since he knows that will be a death sentence for him. On his more serious side, he is calm and caring when someone is at the 4th, like Ukitake-taicho. Or the face he wears when he's hiding his sadness either regarding the past, or the loss of another member of the division. I really hate that face.

On our walks it's usually the amused look since I'm initially irritated that he meddled in my well thought-out schedule. In between his foolish grins, he usually has his most common expression. That invokes strange emotions. I'm not exactly certain how to qualify them, but it seems as though it's a positive feeling. I typically feel more certain about myself after such nights walking with Taicho. There is a strange comfort in simply conversing with him. I hope these aren't more thought-clouding emotions I need to suppress. They're so difficult to maintain.

* * *

A/N: sorry for the delay in postings! My grandparents have been in town and I suffered from quite a bit of internet fail. hope everything is up to par!


	105. kuchiki

I heard unfortunate news of the 6th division captain's health today. Kuchiki-taicho's age is starting to affect him in a manner too much to ignore. I only had met him several times during important meetings where both captains and their lieutenants are present. For a shinigami his age, he still looks healthy. Yet recently he has sent his vice captain to fulfill more of his duties. He's older than I am, but still relatively quite young. When he's working on something, he's quite serious and focused and the air of nobility settles heavily on him. Kuchiki-fukutaicho is quite aware that he is heir to one of the four noble houses in Soul Society.

During the vice-captain meetings, he mostly keeps to himself and doesn't add much in the form of conversation. He mostly is concerned with his responsibilities. I am rather impressed with his glare though. He can still the tongue of the 11th division vice captain even on his more rowdy days. I'll have to watch him more closely during those meetings. It might be a bit of a challenge to accomplish in a discreet manner since he sits directly to my left.

When he gets riled up though, he loses his semblance of composure and presents almost a comical version of himself. It would be similar to Ukitake-taicho's majestic koi fish walking out of the pond and started dancing. At first it seemed so strange, but once you looked beyond the fact, it was rather entertaining. I'm certain if Kuchiki-fukutaicho was Kyouraku-taicho's vice captain, Taicho would have a wonderful time provoking him instead of me.

Now that I consider it, Kuchiki-fukutaicho is rather handsome. Unfortunately he has a bit of a short temper. Besides that, he seems to have skills that would suit him well to be an eventual captain of the 6th division. I heard he was personally trained by Shihoin Yoruichi, the goddess of shunpo. If she had any influence on him, he must move rather quickly. Not only that, all of the paperwork he brings me is properly completed and done in beautiful script. I wonder if that is something that he needed to learn as heir. His parents seem to have impressed on him skills that he would need to be a suitable head to the Kuchiki clan.

I hope Kuchiki-taicho regains his health, but the 6th division and most likely the Kuchiki clan will have a sufficient leader in his stead.


	106. ancient script

I never actually had Kyouraku taicho fill out an entire report before, mostly since he blatantly refuses or manipulates his way out. When I finally accomplished such a monumental feat though, the result was quite interesting. I had always noticed some quirks in certain characters and phrases he uses on previous reports. A full report from him demonstrates a rather eclectic mix of current usages of characters and some kanji that are from ages ago.

He must have a rather interesting perspective of language since he has witnessed it change over thousands of years. Maybe that's why he prefers not to do reports. He must have learned to read and write and speak essentially a totally different language than what we have today. He's adapted rather well to current speaking and writing styles, yet he prefers the more casual and less structured dialect. Both his informal nature and the simplicity of the form must contribute to his reasons for using it.

I wonder how much of the Great Archive he can read without the assistance of a translating text. Maybe I'll ask him some time. I'm sure he'll create some excuse why he possibly doesn't have the time to do it, or is out of his capabilities. As his vice captain, I've developed some manipulation skills as well. I typically have no use for them other than encouraging Kyouraku-taicho to complete some paperwork.


	107. out of sight

It's been quite some time since I've written in here. I had inadvertently stored my journal on one of my taller shelves in my quarters and with it being out of sight, apparently it was out of mind as well. There also hasn't been many occurrences that have been noteworthy, so even then, I had no need for my journal. The only monumental thin has been the social occasion that Kyouraku-taicho threw last month at the division as a celebratory party for me being his vice captain for ten years now. Of course Matsumoto-san, Ukitake-taicho, Kaien-san and Miyako-san were invited as well. I really preferred that Kyouraku-taicho didn't put me in the center of attention as he did in such an occasion. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Ten years really isn't a suitable cause to celebrate, yet then again, most things are a cause for celebration for Kyouraku-taicho.

It's surprising how much time we've already spent together. There is something about him that just makes time fly when in his presence. We've come to an equilibrium in our relationship though. He avoids most of the paperwork and I don't mind completing the majority of it as long as he does the reports that I do not have authority to fill out. He makes certain that I do not overwork myself and I excel in my duties to keep him attending to his. On a more personal level, I have come to a complete acceptance of my current emotions for Taicho. I feel he is attractive, sincere and kind. Yet he flirts with any woman and his actions cannot be taken seriously in this manner. Which I find a part of me feeling that is unfortunate.

Anyways, he is my captain, and it perplexes me when I consider such scenarios. I really do enjoy spending time with him, despite the unnecessary comments. Or maybe, it is because of those comments. Maybe a part of me has a positive reaction to his remarks. I would bet that is the same part that thinks he's attractive as well. I wonder if there is a kido spell that can somehow seal that portion away…


	108. a captain worth following

Taicho decided that we should go on a mission together. It was strange, since this was the first time he offered for such a trip. Typically I go alone or with a small group and he stays back in Seireitei. There usually is no need for him to go on such missions.

Today he felt that we should fight together. Apparently there are some things that one cannot learn about another unless they've seen them against their foes. I assured him that he knows me quite well. If the way he can perturb me is any evidence, that is. He also detailed how it is a sort of bonding experience. While we've spent quite some time together both before and while I've been his vice captain, we don't know much about each other's fighting style. We've spared several times, but Taicho tends to put quite a bit of trust of the capabilities I am presumed to have. I have been training hard, but Taicho does not know the full extent of my abilities. I know very little of Taicho in this regard as well.

Today's mission involved dispatching a large number of hollows congregating in a suburban area. It was rather routine besides working side by side with Taicho. It was quite distracting for such a small change. I wanted to watch and see how he moved. It was strange to see his face melt into a serious and determined look. His eyes still laughed, I honestly wonder if there really is a time where they don't seem to echo laughter one way or another. It almost seemed as if he treated the mission as a game, another set of hollows he needs to purify, yet the gravity in his face indicated otherwise. He knows the importance of this job as much as I do. Yet maybe that look is him understanding it more.

Since I was not entirely focused to the task at hand, I had left myself open. Kyouraku-taicho happened to look over at that moment, when his eyes widened and his jaw set even more. In an instant Kyouraku-taicho was squeezed in the small space between me and the three-clawed arm of the hollow I was ignorant of. One of the claws created a somewhat deep wound of a hand's width long where it extended past the blade Taicho used to defend me with. When I finally regained my focus, I was able to cast a destructive kido spell at the hollow's mask thus freeing Taicho to move freely. He turned to speak the first words since we first started.

"Ah, Nanao-chan is alright. I was a bit worried her Taicho distracted her too much. We'll have to give lovely Nanao-chan more opportunities to watch Taicho in action."

I had initially been worried since he sported a substantial wound that was bleeding at this point. But after that comment, I exploded.

"Do you have any idea how foolish that move was Kyouraku-taicho?! You could have been killed and left the division captainless. I could have easily defended myself! And how dare you consider for even a moment that I was caught up in observing you! And how can you stand there nochallantly acusing me of such things while youre oozing blood from your left shoulder! While I could have given you initial treatment, even though it is not exactly perfect, I'm going to make you wait until we arrive at the 4th division and give you to Unohana-taicho after I explain how inappropriate you have been. I have heard some interesting rumors on how politely frightening she can be to patients that misbehave and I am sure that you would be no exception!"

Then he had to smile and lean closer to my face.

"Awww I was right, Nanao-chan really does worry for her captain!"

Unfortunately the faceful of fan he received did not wipe away the mischief in his eyes.

I forcefully dragged him to the 4th despite his variance between bribes for his release, insinuations of how "Nanao-chan likes things rough," and his insistence that he was fine. Years of practice ignoring these rewarded me well when I finally left him there after explaining the situation to Unohana-taicho. She gave me such a warm and understanding smile when I finished and as I was walking away, Taicho looked over his shoulder with a pout before I turned the corner.

I felt bad leaving him there. I needed to teach him a lesson that he shouldn't throw himself in front of his subordinates so carelessly. At the same time, he should know exactly what he's doing already. He's rather experienced and should know that he is much more valuable to Gotei 13 than I am and how to defend a subordinate without getting injured. But maybe this is just his genuine appreciation for all of his division members that he considers them his equals and that he is willing to risk as much as they are to protect what is important.

The more time I spend as his second, the more I come to appreciate him as my captain. There are so many qualities that make him truly one of the best captains and leaders in Seireitei. I find it harder each day to ever consider myself serving under anyone other than him.

* * *

A/N: hooooray!


	109. basis of a wager

I spent the afternoon at the 13th like I used to when I was much younger. Ukitake-taicho was having a good day, so Kyouraku-taicho convinced me to come see him and Kaien-san. I've been so busy I haven't spoken with him in quite some time. I see him at the vice captain meetings, but usually one of us needs to exit quickly to tend to our other responsibilities. At least Ukitake-taicho will do work if he's feeling well. Taicho will avoid it as if his health depends upon it.

Taicho and Ukitake stayed on the porch today, while Kaien-san and I rested on the bank of the pond. We caught up on all sorts of things. He and Miyako-san have been doing well. I've been keeping the division running. There was one interesting topic Kaien-san wished to discuss. It was regarding my relationship with Taicho.

"Do you like Kyouraku-taicho, Nanao-san?" I snapped my head to look over where he was sitting beside me. His question was serious, but his face showed his typical lighthearted manner.

"Besides his asinine behavior and comments, his drinking, his apparent disregard for paperwork and other duties associated with running the division, he does have certain positive qualities."

"Positive qualities… Like what?" Kaien-san didn't change his demeanor besides an increase in genuine curiosity. That didn't prevent the thought of him seeing past the cold exterior I put between me and Taicho. I feared that he knew that not all my thoughts regarding Taicho were of a purely professional manner. As such, I couldn't prevent my cheeks from flushing slightly. Kaien-san's smile widened slightly and I knew he saw it, but I kept my reasons professional as I looked across the pond.

"Well, he treats the division members as equals. He feels that everyone contributes to the division and should be respected for that fact." Even when he first met me, he looked me eye to eye. "He is kind and will put others before him" Like the little turtle in the garden and me on our recent mission. "Even though it seems like he does not one single report, he does the work I absolutely need him to and efficiently. Or he'll have other division members help me with overwhelming workloads and force me to take time for myself as to not overtire myself." I turned back to face him.

"Is that it? You don't like anything... else… about Kyouraku-taicho?" His question indicated he was digging since he noticed my blush, but that means he didn't actually know.

"No, there is nothing likeable about his general habits or his habits concerning me. I am getting to old to be called "Nanao-chan" and with those ridiculous adjectives attached to them, specifically "my." Or the way he tries to touch me like all the other females that come within twenty meters of him."

"Ah I see, Nanao-san. You're just jealous he pays attention to other women, is that it?"

"I would never! -"

"Or is it the way he smiles at you when he's standing too close for your comfort?"

"What?-"

"No worries, Nanao-san. I won't share our little secret with your handsome taicho… He'd call himself that, wouldn't he?"

"Kaien-san!" I finally found a coherent thought. All of his accusations flustered me since they are true and as Taicho has indicated previously, I am not the best of liars when confronted with the truth. But if we're starting with an untouched canvas, I am quite fine in that department. Yet that wasn't the scenario today.

"There is no secret! I don-"

"You mean you already told him how head-over-heels in love you are for him? Did he already confess his undying love and I missed it?!" I hated his playful grin right then.

"I do not harbor such trivial emotions regarding my superior officer, Kyouraku-taicho!" I almost started shouting it at first, but realized the man of concern was within earshot so I completed my thought in a forceful whisper.

"Ah, so head-over-heels was right. Nanao-san, relationships between superior and subordinate aren't that discouraged in Gotei. I mean you already said, he treats everyone as equals, including you. So rank isn't an issue only if you personally make it one. And look at Miyako and me. We're different ranks, a seat away, just like you and Kyouraku-taicho, and its fine! The world hasn't fallen apart yet."

"But you and Miyako-san are married!"

"We weren't always, Nanao-san. Remember? You were at the wedding I recall…" He teasingly paused to look up and away as if trying to remember a distant memory. "Give it time, things'll come 'round naturally."

"I am not in love with Taicho. Nor will I be. And either way, it is rather unlikely, if not impossible, that he would reciprocate in any serious capacity."

"You'll be surprised, Nanao-san." He smirked and watched the wind play across the water.

We soon returned to other, less sensitive topics for the rest of the evening before I retired for the night. I do not believe Kaien-san is right. Time will not change the situation. Kyouraku-taicho is unlikely to change his mannerisms after so long and while I may suffer with this inexplicable attraction to Taicho, time, unfortunately, has not had an effect on its magnitude. Or if it has, it has not been in the direction I prefer. I am slightly worried about the facial expression Kaien-san left me with. It looked too mischievous. I have grown wary of such a look owing to Taicho for creating embarrassing situations shortly afterwards. I hope he keeps our conversation private. I do not want to be the subject of future gossip or one of those betting pools that are rumored to be running in Gotei.


	110. testing the limits

Matsumoto-san asked if we could train together again. I told her she was welcome to do so anytime, but possibly give me more notice in the future so I could readjust my schedule to accommodate her properly. I asked her if she wanted to train right then she indicated in the affirmative. I gave her a nod and small smile as I stood up and asked her to wait there.

Kyouraku-taicho was lounging in his office chair with his feet up on his desk and sake in his hand, which was why I asked Matsumoto-san to remain in my office. Since she seemed in the right attitude for productivity, I decided that any unwanted distractions, namely Kyouraku-taicho armed with sake, should be avoided. I informed Taicho that I was taking the rest of the day off and that he was required to finish the remainder. I didn't care if he did it himself or he found someone else to do it, but he was responsible for its completion. I made it quite clear there would be dire repercussions if he failed to accomplish the task. He was quite interested in what sort of punishment I would dole out, but I only responded with a harsh glare and returned to Matsumoto-san.

We went to the training grounds and sparred for awhile. I helped her identify some openings she left in her stance. After a pleasant warm-up, she indicated the sudden interest in training again. Apparently she had recently achieved shikai but needed some help learning and practicing with. Her shikai is rather interesting. Haineko, ash cat, is exactly as it sounds. Matsumoto's blade disintegrates into ash that can cut. It scratches much like a cat might. Kido blasts serve as an adequate defense temporarily. Since it blows away the ash, the area is safe for a short time.

After some practice with shikai, we meditated. It had been some time since I had a decent conversation with Saimitsu. He was quite happy Matsumoto-san had prompted me to train again. I had an important question for him that I had been considering for some time, but never actually got around to asking Saimitsu himself. I believe I know what I want and hope to be capable of, I just want to know if it's possible.

"Saimitsu?" I maneuvered myself so I could see his face from my perch on the lower branches of the sakura tree.

"Yes, Nanao?" I always love how he says my name.

"I have been meaning to ask you for some time now, but you probably already know the question…" He nodded to both indicate he knew my question, but to proceed in asking it anyways. "Will it ever be possible… to achieve bankai with you? All of the books and instructors I had implied that bankai is the submission of your zanpakuto. Yet you don't seem the type to submit. I feel we are more equals than master and servant…" I paused. "Is bankai a possibility?"

He smiled in a way that made the corners of his eyes crinkle. "Nanao, yes it is possible and you're right. We are more like equals, while at the same time I'm merely a reflection of part of you. There are certain things you need to come to terms with, things you need to know about me and yourself before bankai is an option."

"Does this somehow involve that ancient book next to the pink one? The one I still can't open?"

"Yes, in a way. Did you notice there is a violet one there too?"

"Yeah, there are some more recent ones as well. Like the black one for Kaien-san, the white one for Ukitake-taicho and the new silvery pale pink one that I assume is for Matsumoto-san."

He sat up and turned towards the shelf that held each of these. "You know what they are then."

"Hai, they're all important relationships I have, but I have no idea about the old leather bound book. Each book reflects the person, yet I have not known anyone so long nor so intimately to warrant such a thick book."

"That's something you'll find out on your own. But you should go back, someone's coming." With that he grinned a giant grin.

When I opened my eyes, I initially thought I hadn't left since nearly the same expression was grinning right in front of me. Yet the person sporting it was clad in pink as usual.

"Hii Nanao-chan! I knew you and Rangiku-san were training so hard that I brought you a picnic dinner!" I didn't react as quickly as usual since I was stunned by just how similar Saimitsu was to Taicho. I had known their similarities since I first met him, but this experience almost made it frightening. I quickly shook the feeling and slapped the hand reaching towards me with my fan. Matsumoto-san noticed exactly what fan it was and began to comment.

"Nanao-san, is that how you treat my gift? To hurt your poor Taicho? He means well." Taicho played along and pouted.

"Rangiku-san, you have no idea how cold my beautiful Nanao-chan is to me."

"I wouldn't be so cold, sir, if you kept your distance and behavior at a professional level.

"But how can I be with such a lovely young woman around me in the office all the time?"

"You're hardly in the office sir, so I don't see how that is a problem." At this point Matsumoto-san started smiling wider and almost got a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Well Kyouraku-taicho, we don't we eat something then? Maybe Nanao-san will warm up if she has some food in her stomach." She leaned closer to him and put her hand to shield her lips but deliberately kept her voice at a stage whisper. "Maybe we can get her to drink some sake, then I'm sure she would definitely warm up."

"That is out of the question!" I didn't like being teased all that much.

"No, no. If my Nanao-chan prefers not to drink, I'll respect her wishes. We'll just have to drink for her!" They both laughed and I sighed somewhat in defeat. Dinner was quite the amiable experience. Kyouraku-san and Matsumoto-san get along quite well. If I didn't know better, I would say I was jealous at how easily they would laugh and talk together. Maybe that is something I lack in my own existence. Talking with Saimitsu tends to do this to my mood, bring up new mysteries and questions on things that I had previously thought were settled. Apparently, they weren't settled.

* * *

A/N: Just a heads up, I'll be in the mountains with no internet this weekend, so don't expect anything between friday and sunday. Hopefully TBOIN will be updated on monday though since my last day at work is tomorrow! And I've been reading reviews as always, thanks! They make me smile big :-P


	111. hide and seek

There are some days where Taicho feels he needs to "lighten up" my day. Today was one of them. And of course it cannot be as simple as brining me a coffee or voluntarily doing paperwork. We had the obligation to play a game. At least the rules of the game were simple. Each time I found Kyouraku-taicho, he would do one more report. Unfortunately, Taicho had been successful in avoiding any and all paperwork for the past week, so it had accumulated to a point past ignorance. I considered for a few moments whether it would be simpler to incapacitate him or in the extreme case, kill him, so I wouldn't have to jump through hoops to complete my job.

I've actually had some practice already finding him around Seireitei. He tends to take naps in obscure locations and I typically need to wake him up for various meetings. I was surprised how many locations he knew about. It took most of the afternoon, but it was quite a nice day in late spring. I saw many of the different gardens, forests and streams looking for him today. It was a welcome change from sitting in my office all day. I believe I enjoyed it immensely, but I wouldn't mention such a concept to Taicho, it might encourage him. That's really the last thing he needs.

It actually served as good practice for shunpoing large distances. I wonder if I'll ever be capable of maintaining some comparable pace with Taicho's shunpo. I was quite fatigued by the time we got to the last report and Taicho gathered such since the last spot was one of my favorites. The one that looks like my sakura tree. He coerced me to sit with him for a bit and just enjoy the sunset. It was… enjoyable. It was pleasant chatting with him. Of course there were innuendoes as usual. They were more subtle and intellectual, but just as improper. It's moments like these that I can't help but add another thing to his list of positive qualities. I admire him, but only as my captain. Anything else would be… inappropriate.

* * *

A/N: so, I have a few days of no internet, but dont worry, I'll be coming up with some fun chapters while I'm gone. I think I'm going to start rolling the story a bit faster again. woot!


	112. nap at the library

After a half hour of compromising and arguing, Taicho finally convinced me to take a day off. He realized that I had been sneaking some paperwork home over weekends. Hoe he noticeds, I'd rather not contemplate otherwise I may either become disturbed at his over attention to detail or irked that he had the audacity to keep track exactly how much I haven't done, but not do any himself.

That's how I ended up in the Gotei's library reading about various art forms. One of the rules was that if I did read, it wasn't to be work related in any fathomable manner. I decided the arts section would have been whole heartedly approved by Taicho. I had already read most of the books related to the fine arts and was in search of another area of study. I took a sample of dancing from many different cultures and some written art forms. As for the dancing, it seemed as if it would be a pleasurable activity and another concept that Taicho would enjoy. After doing initial research, Taicho would prefer the more fluid and emotional western dances over the more controlled eastern styles. I wonder if he is knowledgeable on the subject. And I knew Taicho appreciated written works and considered that it would benefit me in the long term to be relatively informed on the subject. Lately he has taken a slight habit to make his reports more poetic. It might be helpful to comprehend some of the more subtle remarks in his paperwork.

I have a favorite table in the library. It is far in the back, away from almost all casual library patrons. It is dark and unused for the exception of me. It almost seems as if it had been forgotten and strangely, in need of a companion. That's why I like to bring stacks of books and sit there for hours with the sole lamp lit reading to my heart's content. Rarely do I nod off while sitting in the comfortable darkness.

Today was one of those occasions. Taicho has a strange sense of when I have been working excessively and do not come to the realization on my own. Typically I wake from such a state in the same condition I had drifted off in. Apparently I had a visitor today who left his large pink haori over my shoulders. I blushed when I realized that Taicho came to check on me then quickly reprimanded myself for such a reaction. Then my blush increased in intensity when I realized exactly what books he had inevitably seen on the table.

I tried not to ponder on how his haori smelled as I was folding it. Or how smooth it ran along my fingers despite its apparent inexpensive quality. Some of the edges seemed partially worn, most likely from using it as a blanket to lie on in his various nature-gazing locations. It took a large amount of self control not to just inhale it scent. It smelled just like him. There are too many aspects to detail correctly, but it's an alluring combination of the outdoors, sake, and just Kyouraku-san. And it is for this reason that I am now putting the best kido bindings I can on my journal. While Taicho may say he didn't read it, I feel better if I perform preventative measures.

My true reasons for reading such books would be inappropriate and in actuality, work related. He would infer too much from researching topics that may help me to work with him. Matsumoto-san could be a good excuse. She told me how she went dancing recently and raved on about it. I was interested in what my friends were interested in and further knowledge in the subject may be helpful for at least gifts in the future. As for the poetry, I'll admit the work related nature. If I admit that, the other false reason may be overlooked. He's pretty keen on when I'm lying though. I'll just have to hope Taicho doesn't notice.


	113. iris

I found a vase of twenty violet irises on my desk this morning. After a few moments of pondering I realized that I first joined the 8th division twenty years ago today. I graduated from the Academy on May 7th and was assigned to the 8th on the 8th. I giggled at the coincidence when I was little.

I assume that it was Taicho who left the flowers. He'd be the type to do that and most of the division members who would know what today is wouldn't consider me the type for flowers. More like books and less frequently icicles. I'm surprised that Taicho took efforts to commemorate the day. Or that he even remembered. We receive new graduates every year, around the same time which would make it easier to remember, but he's seen countless new recruits. If he didn't remember, he took the time to browse through the division records to find the exact day of my enlistment in the 8th. In either case, it was thoughtful.

Of course, I gave a simple statement of gratitude and quickly reprimanded him for being frivolous and inappropriate. I did not need a gift. I rifled through some new paperwork and noticed a charge on the division's account made at a florist. I always receive a strange satisfaction at seeing him fleeing my office for similar conduct. I never seem to rid him of the smirk on his face as he glides swiftly away. Which was no different this time when I threw an inkwell at his head. As always, he ducked and quickly turned heel telling me "I'm glad you like the flowers, Nanao-chan~! See you later!" as he exited.

I couldn't help but think of the symbolism of the flowers either. Violet irises are a sign of wisdom and compliments, but also of faith, hope and trust.

I'm actually glad he charged it to the division. First, it became more of a professional gesture than it would have been if he had used his personal resources. And second, it gave me a focal point to prevent me from looking further into the situation and get emotions involved. Anger is much easier to deal with than the mess of feelings I refuse to acknowledge in any sort of detail. I will not become a disarray of unprofessional thoughts. If I do, I may not regain order again. He isn't being serious about his silly games, so why should I?

* * *

A/N: hmm irises have interesting symbolism indeed, we may be seeing them again. I was going to post up a chapter after this, but I'm feeling tired and this one needs a bit more attention.


	114. hidden away for another day

I just want to punch him! Kyouraku-taicho found my journal again and decided to hide it! I dislike these games he takes pleasure in playing. And the really bothersome part of the whole situation is that I think he loves how I react to them. I maintain the calmest possible demeanor, but I would bargain that he can read that I am anything but calm in these situations. Most times, I'm considering which kido spell would be the most effective.

I learned of another talent of Taicho. It is the ability to hide something for a prolonged span of time. I looked everywhere I possibly could. I tore apart my office within the first month of its disappearance. Taicho watched from the doorway as my wonderfully organized office was systematically reduced to stacks of paper. It was a strange occurrence since it looked just like my office had when I first entered it as my own 20 years ago. This time there was order to it. When I noticed his knowing smile I glared and used my coldest behavior possible.

"You know where it is, Kyouraku-taicho." I did not ask, I knew.

"Where what is, Nanao-chan?" He feigned ignorance, but his eyes squinted in laughter more. If I was not so infuriated, I might have enjoyed his difficulty at keeping a straight face. Unfortunately, this scenario is typical.

"My journal." I stood as tall and as intimidating as I could a full head height shorter than him. "I demand you to tell me where it is, Taicho."

"Demand? Oh, well I'll have to tell you right away then. I absolutely love a woman who takes control."

Mentally my jaw dropped, but I had to continue on. "That is only since you are a lazy man whose habits would inevitably permeate into other aspects of your life. Now, tell me where my journal is."

"Would Nanao-chan immediately dash off to wherever I said it was and frantically search for it?" His smile was in no manner mocking, but its mere existence felt as though it was. I never seem to have control over these situations.

"I would systematically search the location, so in a manner of speaking, yes."

Taicho's face broke out into a full-fledged grin, "Well, Nanao-chan, I've hidden your journal on my person. So unless you're planning on systematically searching my clothes in such a public place, I suggest we move to someplace more secluded. Except if you enjoy that sort of thing, my lovely Nanao-chan."

He had moved his face a bit closer during his short monologue and it took everything not to blush. At this juncture in the conversation, I could have explained the redness as unadulterated anger seething under my skin. I burst into a scream and shoved him off his perch on my doorframe. He grunted and then his voice rolled in laughter. I'll never get tired of hearing him laugh, even if it at my expense. There is just something so soothing about it.

"Nanao-chan shouldn't behave like that, otherwise people nearby might get the wrong impression of what she's doing with a messy office, a scream and her handsome Taicho."

"Get out!" Thankfully, he complied with those demands, but it seemed as though I would not obtain any information on the whereabouts of my journal from him. I quickly noted that "demand" is a verb to avoid when conversing with Taicho.

I searched the entirety of the 8th division. While I do not feel proud that I did so, I even searched his personal quarters. I was sure that he was preoccupied on the opposite side of Seireitei at the time so he would not witness the peculiar and rather awkward behavior I was exhibiting. I couldn't help but notice how pleasant his quarters are though. The main area has numerous pillows for lounging around a low table. His kitchen looked rather well stocked and smelled wonderful. I wonder if he cooks. By the smell of it, he must be a good one. But I was getting side tracked. While I checked every nook of his living space, I left it looking untouched by my hands. It wouldn't do if Taicho knew what I did. I found several stashes of sake and some interesting romance literature, but besides those artifacts, there was nothing unusual or out of place.

In my spare time in the first few months I would spend searching in all the conceivable hiding places for my journal while still maintaining some sense of discretion. I found Taicho's sake stash in the barracks under one of the floorboards. He's said he doesn't have a need to hide his sake, but has some hidden away just in case.

I even approached Ukitake taicho on the subject. He allowed me to search the grounds with a knowing smile. Kaien-san was not helpful. While I admit that he indicated all of the places he had seen Taicho recently and all the places he could have stashed it, he felt that it was mandated to comment on the cause of the situation. Incessant remarks on how Taicho plays games with me and his rather observant behavior in regards to me do not assist in the location of my journal. For all I had known, he could have broken each of the five kido barriers I placed on it and have already finished reading this volume that contains embarrassing reflections. Yet all Kaien-san thought was important was how much attention Taicho was paying me and how I willingly played into his games.

After several months I stopped seeking my journal. I expended large amounts of energy in the efforts to locate it and had other responsibilities. Every once in awhile Taicho would give a hint as to its location and would take a few moments to investigate the tip, yet nothing would come from it. After about a year, a substantial crisis arose where some strange experiments from the Technological Institute escaped from the labs and meddled with some of the databases in the Great Archive. It took several years to fully restore the damage. Kyouraku-san made a few jokes of how perturbed I was at someone meddling with my precious library. I did not appreciate them.

Matsumoto-san became the 5th seat in the 10th, which I would have written about if I was in possession of my journal. She's having a difficult time with her Zanpakuto though. She said it's quite selfish and enjoys teasing her. I'm glad Saimitsu and I have a decent relationship, even though he won't reveal everything I would like him to. We've been working well together and have been refining our cooperation.

I finally obtained my journal back when I noticed a journal-shaped bulge in Kyouraku-taicho's uniform.

"Oh look what I found Nanao-chan!" He pulled it out of his uniform and held it in front of him. Typically I would move with purpose towards him, but for seeing my journal the first time in years, I lunged. He moved it above his head so I nearly ran into his chest. He held it just out of my reach and moved it further behind him, forcing to lean forward. It took a moment or so to realize I was pressed up against the front of my Taicho, which was quite inappropriate and embarrassing.

When I looked into his eyes after I paused in my attempt to reach my journal, I saw something unusual. There was some confusion, probably at my proximity. But there was something darker behind the laughter. I froze and just stared until he moved the journal into my outstretched hand. The sensation allowed me to blink and recuperate from our close encounter. I was able to glare up at him and clout him with my newly returned journal. Afterwards the conversation was on familiar grounds of him whining and me telling him to walk it off.

But I am glad to have my journal back, even though it took some time. Kyouraku-taicho told me later that it had been on the bookshelf behind his desk the entire time, he just used bakudo 26, kyakko, to bend the light around my journal and hiding it for nearly seven years. Apparently I need more practice in kido.

There were plenty of things that happened in the past seven years. I just can't remember everything that was note worthy. I suppose with time interesting memories will come back to the forefront and will itself into my journal.


	115. long term wishes

I made a visit to the 13th today since it was Kaien-san's birthday. I brought a bowl of ohagi for him since I recently learned that was his favorite food. I arrived in the 13th headquarters with Kaien-san and Ukitake-taicho discussing something quietly with an aura of mischief hanging heavily in the air. They almost started guiltily when I announced my presence at the open doorway. They smiled politely and nodded permission to enter. I approached with an eyebrow raised and ohagi in hand.

Kyouraku-taicho came in shortly after with a few sake bottles in hand.

"Happy Birthday Kaien-kun! I brought you sake! I'm sure you won't be able to enjoy it until my tight-laced Nanao-chan leaves…" He gave me a bright smile as he walked past and placed the bottles on the desk.

"I don't mind you partaking on your birthday. But I will prefer you do not ask me to join you. Someone needs to stay sober to assist Kyouraku-taicho when he decides to be overzealous in his sake appreciation." I shot him a glare for good measure.

Miyako-san came in with a small cake with several candles. Evidently Kaien-san doesn't quite remember exactly how old he is. He said he lost track around 100 since it didn't seem that important anymore. Miyako-san gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as she put the cake down in front of him. He smiled at her.

"Make a wish, Kaien." He cocked his head to the side and looked far away.

"hmm, so many things I could wish for, I have most of the things that I would want. Maybe more sake and afternoon naps –"

"Ohh, that'd be a good wish, Kaien-kun! You can never have too many of those."

"Of course you would consider that a prudent wish, Taicho. Let him decide for himself." Kaien-san smiled at our interplay.

"Hurry up and make a wish, hun, or else the candles will burn out." He smiled and looked up at us. If I am not mistaken, his gaze rested on myself and Taicho slightly longer than the others. Then Kaien-san grinned and blew out the candles.

Afterwards, we all had a drink, myself included. Yet I only had one small cup. There were fun stories of when Kaien-san first became fukutaicho. The story of when we started the huge snowball fight during one of Ukitake-taicho's remissions came up. Ever since then it's been a tradition to have at least one snowball fight each winter. Taicho suggested that they challenge the 8th sometime. I will admit that we had a delightful time. And I didn't have to assist Taicho back home.


	116. rain renovation

I can't tell whether or not I enjoy rainy days. If I don't have paperwork, I enjoy them more, partially since it gives me a viable reason for staying indoors to read. But more so, I enjoy watching the rain itself. The sounds and smells are soothing. The fresh smell of earth helps clear my mind. The sound of it falling into the ponds outside and along the roofs is a natural sort of music. Honestly, these are times that I feel Taicho rubs off on me too much.

While the rain itself is wonderful, it is its after effects that cause me grief. Taicho can no longer spend his time outdoors and decides that my office is the better of the two for "communing with nature" while it's wet outside. It would be fine if he napped silently. For some reason he snores while he takes naps indoors. Or if he's not napping, he develops new and somewhat creative ways to impede my progress on the paperwork. It's as if it's another game of his. "See how high Nanao-chan's tolerance is and how much paperwork she can still manage to get done in the process."

Today's game was "Try and hug Nanao-chan while she was filling out the budget." I wanted to enjoy the rain today, but Taicho ruined the experience by coming too close and interrupting me when I was doing mental calculations. Three in the afternoon was how long I lasted. On the final attempt, He came to the right of my desk and sneaked one arm along the back of my chair. When the other hand reached for the pen in my hand, I drew reiatsu to cast a kido spell in the hand he was aiming for. He only had a moment's notice before he was forced to duck or have a gaping hole in his chest. Unfortunately, the wall between our two offices cannot dodge, nor does it have the ability to deflect a substantial portion of kido either.

"Oh Nanao-chan! This is wonderful! Now we share the same office! You should have said something if you wanted to share the same room and see your Taicho all day. We could have done it in a more organized manner, which I'm sure you would appreciate it. But I suppose if you wanted it done quickly, Nanao-chan is certainly the one for being quick and efficient. And here I am mistaking that you were trying to burn a hole in my chest." I never can win now, can I?

And with another scream and the budget book flying at him, he ran out the door for cover in the 13th division. I'm sure Kaien-san will have a laugh at this.

At least I had a few more hours to enjoy the rain in peace.


	117. conspiracy theory

Kaien-san came to the 8th today to share a cup of tea, not green tea of course. He needed an extra pair of eyes on his budget for the month since it wasn't adding up and he knew I possess skills in that area. We had caught a few things before Taicho came gliding into the room from the rain. That's another reason why I hate the rain, it gets Taicho's haoris wet and he removes them so they can dry. And the unprofessional manner in which the rain just makes him look so… I will not dignify that train of thought by finishing it.

Taicho quickly removed his pink haori and threw his captain's haori over the back of his chair to dry. He laid the pink one on the newly opened up area between our two desks. We had removed the remnants of the wall since it wasn't salvageable. Kyouraku-taicho took pleasure in informing everyone who would listen how eager I was to share office space with him. And since he only does it with company around, it typically is poor etiquette to send a projectile at his grinning head. Kaien-san was no different. He smiled at me as Taicho was explaining it to him and I just glared right back at him. It didn't look like I will have an ally in Kaien-san when it comes to Kyouraku-taicho's games.

The office returned to some relative peace until Rangiku-san burst in Kyouraku-taicho's door. She had just returned from a horrible month long mission and insisted that she needed a stiff drink. Rangiku-san looked confused for a few moments when she looked around and noticed that Taicho was lying where a wall used to be and that his door also led to my office. She smiled perceiving that the change most likely was not planned. Honestly, the charred wood on the ceiling doesn't indicate anything of the sort.

Rangiku-san quickly recovered from the confusion and informed us of the situation. I convinced her that it was still a bit early for drinking sake, since it was only noon, and offered her a cup of tea. She accepted with a huge hug that I couldn't manage to avoid. I heard a few sniggers from Kaien-san's direction during that moment of immobility. Taicho got up and left to get the sake for when it was somewhat more appropriate to start drinking.

I returned with a fresh tea pot to find Rangiku-san sitting on my desk facing Kaien-san deep in a conversation. It was just like when I walked into the 13th division on Kaien-san's birthday. I'm starting to dislike that look on Kaien-san's face. It used to be fun and I knew what caused it, but now I'm only confused. Which didn't last for long since Taicho came in with the sake then. And Rangiku-san and he started drinking anyways. Kaien-san and I quickly finished working over his budget since any more sake bottles would prevent any work from getting done soon. They tried to convince me to drink with them. I politely declined and packed up some paperwork to finish in my quarters. I do not like the sharing of the office space.


	118. old friends from the pond

Kaien-san considers himself one of the funniest people in Seireitei sometimes. Especially when he sees you watching the koi fish in Ukitake-taicho's pond and feels that you'd rather swim with them wearing your uniform. I was peacefully feeding some of the koi fish like I used to feed as a child. Of course Kyouraku-taicho came up behind us wondering what all the commotion was. He had the audacity to start laughing at my floundering in the water. I did not tolerate his mockery well if how wet Kyouraku-taicho got is any indication. Glares seem to lose their potency when one is drenched in water so I decided to splash him. "Oh, wet and wild, Nanao-chan?" earned him a trip in the pond.

The expression of shock was priceless when his head broke the water. But he couldn't help but laugh at the situation. "This sort of behavior is unacceptable from my subordinates..." He started in a mockingly authoritative tone "which deserves appropriate retribution." He started swimming towards me with a playful expression and his haoris billowing out behind him in the water. I started swimming backwards since I knew his intention was to retaliate with splashing. I couldn't help but laugh too. I also couldn't help the girly scream when he did manage to land a huge splash in my face. My glasses did not offer much protection.

Even though he had his haoris weighing him down, he had a huge advantage over me. His frame is much larger than my own and thus can move more water than I can. He quickly was able to dunk me back under the water. When I came back up gasping, I first hit his shoulder and looked over to Kaien-san, who was just standing there doubled over in laughter trying to watch.

"Kaien-san, stop laughing like an academy girl and stop Taicho!"

He managed to gasp out "I wasn't the one that pulled Kyouraku-taicho in, that's you!"

Ukitake-taicho came down with a pair of large plush towels and stood talking with Kaien-san once he settled down. I was starting to get tired of swimming with the koi. They must have been terrified too. I would be too if a big pink blob suddenly fell out of the sky at me too. I was gasping by the time I made it to the shore. Ukitake-taicho handed me one of the towels and smiled one of his charming grins. I returned it with a polite one of my own and looked over to Kaien-san. He started laughing again.

I noticed that my glasses were still wet and waited until I witnessed Taicho floating on his back across the pond before I took them off to wipe them looking away from Ukitake-taicho and Kaien-san. When I looked back up, I saw him looking back at me much closer than I remembered seeing him. It's startling how quickly and silently he can traverse the water. He gave me a gentle smile before he got out of the water and took the other towel.

"I didn't know my lovely Nanao-chan was so feisty!" I couldn't let him escape unscathed. So he went right back into the pond. Before he could reach up to drag me in too, I walked away.

"I'll see you back in the office Kyouraku-taicho." I smiled as Kaien-san and Ukitake-taicho shared a laugh.


	119. SWA

I joined an interesting organization called the Shinigami Women's Association somewhat recently. Unohana-taicho had mentioned something about a group for higher ranking female shinigami and it piqued my interest. Noting my response, Unohana-taicho proceeded to invite me to the next meeting which happened to be that week. Apparently she is the Chairwoman of the organization. Unfortunately, said organization was somewhat lacking in numbers since many have fallen in battle recently.

Obviously I have joined since most of my free time in the past three years has been occupied with my new hobby. Taicho enjoys inquiring what we do during our meetings and if it has any inappropriate behavior involved. I will not enlighten him that we occasionally do go out to one of the sake houses. I typically only have a cup or two, but the others do not practice as much temperance. Even then, I like seeing the ladies have a enjoyable experience. While I do not always approve of their actions during their inebriation, they're interesting conversation for later.

Besides the occasional night out, we mostly discuss women's issues in Seireitei and how we can further our cause in a male dominated organization such as Gotei 13. Women should support each other. Which is why I dragged Rangiku-san to the meetings. At first she wasn't quite interested, but then she warmed up once we had a trip to the sake house together. How characteristic of her. But she's benefitting form the times we train together as well. Sometimes we'll have some light sparring so we can offer each other pointers in various areas, mostly zanjuitsu. Soifon-taicho recently joined after she became captain of the 2nd division and she helps in shunpo, an area in which I am lacking. Rangiku has been getting stronger too. I suspect she'll be moving up in rank soon.

Supposedly they're having elections soon. I have really enjoyed SWA so far and I'm sure that I could bring some organization and leadership to the proverbial table. Maybe I'll campaign.

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A/N: we're getting into tricky territory. Lots of people are moving around and I don't know where all of them are... Like yachiru, which is why I didn't include her, she still seems too young currently to join 70 years ago... I'm not sure. But I'm going to try and post on a Thursday again, for some reason, Nanao-chan doesn't like me thursdays... I'm trying to skip to the fun stuff, I'm tired of waiting - but this new filler arc is throwing me off. It bothers me how little we know of Nanao, but at least we got to see Shunsui's. (I'm being vague for those of you who haven't been watching the anime, I spent monday catching up.) And check out the legends behind Murumasa, they're rather interesting. ok, 'nough rambling. :-P


	120. prospective mentorship

We received new recruits today. Typically it's an uneventful occasion. Kyouraku-taicho and I introduce ourselves, I delineate my expectations for them in the 8th and we break into a more social atmosphere. A meet and great if you will. While I've gone through a fair number of these as vice captain, this year's group included a particular individual that caught my attention. Kaiko-san reminds me of myself, though not as young as I was when I first joined the 8th. I really enjoyed speaking with her today. She said she is somewhat talented with her zanpakuto, but she was quite interested in increasing her skills in kido. I offered to train with her if she so wished and she seemed quite enthused at the prospect. I'll be expecting to see her in my office somewhat soon. Maybe I could be a mentor to her like Lisa-san was to me… But I won't leave the 8th. It's the only home I have.

* * *

A/N: sorry for the short chapter. I've been getting ready to move before school starts. And I apologize in advance if I don't get the chance to update too much this coming week. I'm doing lots of things for Orientation. Don't worry though! I've got some new things coming up.


	121. joys of a mentor

I enjoy spending time with Kaiko-san. I would conjecture that this experience is similar what Lisa-san may have felt if she had mentored me when I grew up a little. I have pride seeing Kaiko-san improve day to day. She's been helping me with spare forms when she isn't busy training. She studies anything she's introduced to relentlessly. On days where I am not feeling my best, Kaiko-san inspires me.

Over the past few years, she's gone from someone with basic kido skill to a shinigami who can use kido in a battle effectively. She hasn't achieved shikai yet, but she hopes to in the near future. I'm excited for her. I would develop a methodology of optimizing how to learn about her zanpakuto and its abilities, but I know nothing of the nature of her blade. That is something that will wait until I have minimal data to speculate from.

Kyouraku-taicho likes her, yet I am somewhat surprised that he tones down his flirtatious behavior with and around her. Something that I am quite grateful for. For one, it makes our working relationship appear more professional, unlike his usual antics may suggest. And for another, Taicho most likely has determined if he mistreats Kaiko-san in any manner, that he will have one angry vice captain. Our joint office is proof of such a notion. Besides, she just politely responds and moves on with the discussion as if pretending his inappropriate behavior never happened. I might almost be jealous of her in that respect.

Maybe I'll make sure we meditate a bit longer this week in hopes of expediting her progress towards shikai.


	122. growth from within

Kaiko-san and I have been training vigorously for quite some time now. She recently achieved shikai with her zanpakuto and I've been helping her ever since. Saimitsu thinks her zanpakuto, Kiken, is quite nice. As her name suggests, she is a tree whose leaves are blades. She's been learning how to manipulate the brances of the tree and movements of the tree. I would expect that with practice, she could sprout multiple trees and have its branches ensnare the enemy. I enjoy seeing her progress.

As for Saimitsu, we've been developing on our own as well. His favorite color apparently is green. I don't really have a partiality for color, so long as it's not pink, a preference heavily influenced by Kyouraku-taicho. Saimitsu never has the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled down, he says it makes his movements too stiff. We've worked to being able to hold kido spells in the metal panels of the fan indefinitely and we've been working on reflecting kido perfectly. Some of the spell is still diffused before it is returned. I've also been working on my physical wielding of the steel fan. I've been training to use it as efficiently as I can in offence as I can already in defense. It doesn't come naturally to gain an advantage with such a short range weapon against a longer blade. The next thing we're going to try out is possibly using Saimitsu's fan blade as a projectile. I'd like to see if I could throw it as a physical weapon and possibly release and absorb kido while not in my grasp. We're both anticipating testing the extent of our abilities.

Kaiko-san is considering trying for a seated position soon. I told her she needs some training still. As soon as she has some more field experience and practice with her shikai, she apply for a higher seat.


	123. to be the shoulder

Nanao-fukutaicho?

Come in Kaiko-san – shes always so polite when she asks to enter my office. Unlike Rangiku-san who just barges in.

I was wondering if you or Kyouraku-taicho could assess my skills for seat placement. I think I'm ready. I've done well on my past few missions and feel that my battle skills are reflective of a seat in the division."

I couldn't help but smile.

"Hai, Kaiko-san. I'll get the paperwork set up today. Is that all?"

She hesitated which she typically doesn't do. "… Ano…You're busy, so I can come back at a more convenient time." And she is much more direct with what she wishes to discuss.

"No, come sit down, I'll go make us some tea and then we can talk." I gestured to the couch and new coffee table we purchased. I found there were too many occasions like these where guests in the office never had a proper place to put their beverages down on, such as Taicho's sake previously sitting on the floor.

After some silence of enjoying our tea, I broke her thoughts while she was staring out the window.

"So Kaiko-san, what is it that's bothering you? While I don't think it's the nervousness of the seating process, it can be a difficult experience. There are more serious responsibilities, but you wouldn't have come here if you hadn't accepted those."

She looked down at her tea sitting on the table. "I would like to request a short leave of absence." Her face was twisted into a strange expression. I'm not too familiar with it, but it made me feel miserable just seeing it. I supposed she felt worse.

"Of course, Kaiko. But may I inquire the reason?" Her hazel eyes started to water and her lip trembled.

"My parents…suffered from one of the hollow attacks out in Rukongai last night. I received news earlier this morning." Her voice hitched. Tears were starting to roll down her face. I rose to procure some tissues from my desk for her. "And I need to take some time to go home and attend the funeral." She started sobbing at this point and I could think of no other action than to embrace her. She shook with ever new sob.

I barely remember my time in Rukongai. There was a small family group that took me in for the first few years I was here, but my reiatsu was becoming a hindrance. I was attracting hollows. Luckily I was in one of the better districts where shinigami have regular patrols. One of them found me holding one of the few books I had access to and suggested I go to the academy if I really liked books. Plus I could learn to control this power I apparently had.

I hardly knew what to say to Kaiko-san while she cried. But I believe just being there may have been what she needed.

"Don't worry about the time off, that is no problem. I'll take care of the forms. Just spend time with your family." She got up and wiped her eyes and nose one final time. "If you ever need anything, let me know."

"Hai, Nanao-san. And… arigato." She bowed and left me to reflect. After a big sigh I gathered up the forms and got to work.


	124. to need the shoulder

I cried. I never cried like this before. Yet the last time it hurt this much is when Lisa-san left. I know it wasn't my fault she left. This was my fault though and I can't keep the whole incident from playing in my head repeatedly.

"Ise-fukutaicho! We need assistance!" Yoshiro-san called from the other side of the small field we were fighting in. I glanced over and saw that Teiji-san had sustained a deep leg wound and could not move properly. Yoshiro-san was having a hard time covering for Teiji-san and himself. Kaiko-san and I were doing fine on our side, so it was the natural decision to have us switch positions.

"Yoshiro-san, switch places with me! Team up with Kaiko-san!" I yelled over and we shunpoed to switch places. Saimitsu detests battles, so I'm typically reluctant to call on him. This time I knew I needed him. I cast a barrier to keep the hollows at bay momentarily until I could situate out 8th seat. I utilized some of my more recent training with his shikai by putting healing kido, a destructive spell and a barrier spell in the panels. I handed Saimitsu to Teiji-san.

"Hold this to your wound. If the barrier around your breaks, hold the fan up and aim it in front of you. If that fails and another hollow is approaching, Aim Saimitsu at it and call me. I'll release the spell. Stay here, I'll return."

I turned to the hollows at hand and dispatched them as well as I could while still keeping an eye on Teiji-san and the others working on a small group of hollows. They appeared to be doing well, even if they seemed to have tired some. I returned to my task satisfied that they were doing well and that I wasn't sensing any hollows that would be cause for alarm. After several minutes, it seemed as though the numbers were diminishing, but I was wrong. There was a sudden weight in the air and I turned to locate its source. My other team members were also caught unaware by this new wave of hollows that had somehow masked their reiatsu until then.

I quickly assessed Teiji-san's situation and considered it stable for the time being, he still hadn't used either of the barrier or destructive spells. I went to assist Kaiko-san and Yoshiro-san. Yoshiro-san sustained an injury to his shoulder, Kaiko-san had one on her shoulder blade. They were fighting just to breathe and stand in this oppressive reiatsu-charged air. While I had hundreds of questions welling up in my mind, I needed to focus on the task at hand.

"Ise-fukutaicho! I need help!" I hadn't realized that Teiji-san had already released the second barrier and needed extra protection.

"Kaiko-san, Yoshiro-san, Can you hold? I need to get Teiji-san!"

"Of course Nanao-san, you've taught us well!" Kaiko-san called over her shoulder with a smile. She was holding back the tail of a hollow four times her height. "We'll be here when you get back!" I caught her eyes and say that she was determined, determined to let no hollow take from others what they had already taken from her. She had the resolve.

"Go Ise-fukutaicho! Get Teiji-san!" Yoshiro just purified hollow he had been struggling with. He'd been breathing hard already, but now it was worse.

I went as fast as I could to Teiji-san while calling for reinforcements. While we were holding, we couldn't do so for a prolonged period of time at this rate. I hoped that we could hold out until then.

Teiji-san had received another wound in between the time the first barrier fell and when he could put up the second one. The graze on his head was bleeding profusely and clouding his vision. He already lost a large quantity of blood and it was here I started questioning his ability for survival. I picked him up though and brought him to a more secluded location and set him up in a series of barriers, but took Saimitsu with me. He did what he could for Teiji-san, but right then, I needed him more.

While I was returning, I instantly looked to where Kaiko was. I heard her scream before I located her, but went as quickly as I could to where she was kneeling on the ground. Kaiko's abdomen was bleeding. It was bleeding too much. Her Kiken even resumed its sealed state. I stood up to defend her until reinforcements arrived. Yoshiro made a misstep and moved into the claws of a rather vicious hollow.

"Fukutaicho!" Yet I looked too late. I tried severing the arm, but the hollow had already consumed Yoshiro. I realized we could not fight any longer. I picked up Kaiko and Kiken and retreated where I had placed Teiji-san. He had passed out from blood loss already. I returned back to where Kaiko was lying.

"Nanao-san, thanks, for everything. You've done so much for me. Tell Taicho thank you as well. He's been kind." She smiled despite the pain. I was healing her as much as I could, but I knew as she did there wasn't much time. She added, "I think Taicho might have a thing for you. Kaien-fukutaicho thinks so too. Maybe you should give him a try." Kaiko coughed.

"For you, Kaiko, I just might." I smiled as best as I could. She reached for my hand and I held it. I couldn't help my eyes from watering slightly.

"Maybe I'll make my way back to the 8th someday. Thank you again, Nanao." She closed her eyes and her breathing stopped. My breath hitched but I didn't have time to breakdown. Teiji-san could still make it out of this alive.

By then, the reinforcements had arrived. They took Teiji-san and Kaiko back to the 4th. I could only stand there as the 5th took care of the remaining hollows that hadn't made it to that location. Ichimaru-fukutaicho gave me a wave and said he'd take care of things from there. I did not find it comforting.

I suddenly felt pain on my upper left arm. I received a small gouge, but nothing substantial. The trip back to the eight via the 4th for a quick fix was only a blur. I left knowing that Teiji-san had fallen into a coma. I did the only thing I could do, paperwork.

I sat there for hours. I got next week's work done. Taicho came in and sat down on the couch. He didn't say anything. I assumed he had heard what had happened at this point. He just sat and watched me. It only forced me to remember what Kaiko had said. I bit my lip. I didn't want to break down in front of Taicho. I took a deep breath but I shook instead. He came over and kneeled by my chair when tears were rolling down my face.

"It was all my fault, Taicho. I wasn't good enough or I did something wrong.. I…I don't know. But I'm responsible for not bringing them back. I failed them." I started sobbing. I couldn't stop.

Shunsui put his arms around me and held me.

"I know it hurts, Nanao-chan. But you did what you could. Things like these happen."

"But I wasn't strong enough for them!"

"Shh.. Nanao-chan, come here." He picked me up from under my knees and walked over to the couch with me in his arms. He sat down with me in his lap and my legs along the couch. I knew it was inappropriate but I honestly didn't care at the moment. I clutched his haori and buried my head in his shoulder.

"Why didn't I notice all of those hollows? Why did I leave Kaiko and Yoshiro on their own? Why

"She left me. And it was my fault." I sounded miserable. He tightened his hand resting on my waist and moved the one from my shoulder to my head. I could feel his stubble on my temple.

"She didn't want to leave you, Nanao. She lit up when you were around. You were like her big sister." He knew I was thinking about Lisa-san too, but I suppose he decided that it would have been counterproductive to bring her up as well.

"Why do they have to leave? Why?" I sobbed more. "Next you're going to leave me too."

He put his hands on my face making me look to his.

"Nanao, you did what you could. I trust you did everything in your power to keep them alive. Don't beat yourself up over this. And how can I leave someone as lovely as my darling Nanao-chan?"

I hit him on his chest. I felt better with the more familiar territory of dissuading his inappropriate behavior. His hands had resumed their perch on my shoulder and hip.

"Release me, Kyouraku-taicho. This is inappropriate." I pushed on his chest to emphasize my point.

"Aww, there's my happily cold and cruel Nanao-chan. What if I don't want to let go? I like having my hands where they are. That way Nanao-chan knows that I'm right here." He tightened them and moved his face closer.

"_Taicho. Now._" I couldn't help but notice how...his eyes were filled with concern and caring with a little bit of mischief mixed in. Why did his face need to be so close? Kaiko's words rung through my head. Why don't I give him a try? Then I remembered. He is my captain and he is horribly improper. If I am this torn over a girl who became my mentee, who I attached emotions to, what would happen if something happen to Taicho? I don't want to imagine that scenario. No. this is not allowed.

He finally smiled and stood me up as he rose. "Don't worry Nanao-chan. You're too cute to ever leave! And please don't be so sad," He mock pouted, "It'll make me sad too." He smiled again, "Let me know if you need anything! I'll see you later!" And he swept out of the room. I gave a big sigh and returned to work. It was easy to lose myself in all of the reports... except the one I needed to write about today. Although Taicho made me feel better about starting to accept what has happened, it still didn't make writing about it easier. I think, I'll wait until tomorrow. Taicho's more easygoing qualities must be rubbing off on me. Maybe some rest will cure me of that.

* * *

A/N: This took so long to figure out. It hurt writing this. I knew this was going to happen to Kaiko, but I got attached like Nanao. *sigh* Poor Nanao-chan. At least her sensitive and caring captain is still around. It'll take much more than a little hollow to keep him away from her! I hope this chapter was satisfactory. woot! And a heads up, I might not have time for a chapter tomorrow, lots of meetings. We'll try for Thursday though. I don't like going two days without updating. I'm hooked on Nanao (as is Shunsui) :-P


	125. guilty pleasures

I've seen Taicho and Ukitake-taicho spar before, but not like today. In Shunsui's attempt to keep me occupied and not dwelling on my last mission to the real world, he's been actively dragging me in his various escapades across Seireitei. Since Ukitake-taicho was feeling rather well recently and Taicho was feeling a bit rusty, they decided to spar. A rather serious spar, actually. He had packed a rather generous picnic for the occasion. His explanation was that I hadn't been eating properly lately. It's just been difficult for me to find the appetite since… then.

Kaien-san came by and watched with me. Taicho probably knew he would come by so packed some food for himself as well. Kyouraku-taicho cast a barrier in front of our picnic area where we sat on his pink haori.

He said they were going to be serious today. I believe I enjoyed watching them spar a little too much though. I don't know why they chose today of all days. It was a scorching summer day. Which meant Taicho took off his captain's haori and his hat too. And eventually took off the upper part of his uniform…

They sparred for some time and more than a few verbal jousts were thrown. After they got to joking beside, I got to see something I've actually never seen before. Well first, Taicho took off half of his uniform. It took everything for Kaien not to burst out laughing at my reaction. I averted my eyes initially and I am positive that my face turned a rather peculiar shade of crimson. But I quickly turned to look again since I had a feeling I wanted to witness the subsequent events. Or wanted to watch Shunsui without a shirt, but I won't admit that.

And I was correct in my intuition. Taicho released his shikai. I suppose he doesn't need to train too often and even if he did, I have a feeling he wouldn't do so very publicly, so I haven't gotten to see it until now. It was stunning and exotic. I felt the air get heavy with his release. Ukitake-taicho released as well, but I was more entranced by my captain's two Chinese scimitars. The red tassels seemed to undulate in their own otherworldly breeze. The silver and black blades arced in the afternoon sunlight.

It's honestly hard to describe how beautifully they fought against each other. Kaien told me to close my mouth before Taicho noticed. And to stop staring. I don't think I'll be able to live down how closely I watched their spar.

Taicho is inappropriate but rather effective in distracting me from Kaiko. Now instead of replaying that night in my head, I have Taicho shirtless in the sunlight, with his shikai flashing. But as long as no one knows, I think I might allow this one vice. It is somewhat professional anyways. I admire my captain's fighting prowess.

* * *

A/N: Ehh, not as happy with this chapter. Oh well, maybe I'm still suffering from Nanao's loss. On another note, I've been watching Castle. And the dynamic between Castle and Beckett reminds me of the relationship between Nanao and Shunsui. She's so serious and motivated whereas he's so laid back and but surprisingly intelligent. They have such tension. It makes me giggle.


	126. list

I still miss Kaiko. I would be capable of talking with her in serious and nonjudgmental manner. I wish she had told me her suspicions earlier. Then I could logically discuss them with her as opposed to getting wrapped up in the thoughts concerning Taicho. Rangiku wouldn't be suitable for such a conversation. She would just tell me go for it. So I decided that making a list of positive and negative attributes and comparing them. If I felt more ambitious, I would weight certain characteristics, but I have a feeling that would detract from this exercise in an attempt to remove the uncertainty of the subject.

Negative Attributes:

He is overly flirtatious with everyone, including myself. It wastes time and energy. He also is a lazy drunkard who has forced me to collect him from the sakes houses on innumerable occasions. It is no longer surprising with the way he drunkenly thanks "his Nanao-chan" that the owners of these houses can address me by name.

He is also mischievous and troublesome in the office. He does sign the things I need him to, but he certainly does what he can to prolong the process.

And in regards to what Kaiko said, there are too many factors against such a hypothetical situation. There is the age difference, the difference in rank and its conflicts with my duties. Despite what Kaien has been indicating, I feel the difference in rank is both inappropriate and counterproductive. Suppose we were in battle and additional variables such as deeper emotions are involved in our decision making. That could compromise the mission and the lives of other shinigami. What if the whole thing isn't sustainable? How does that affect the division? Ultimately they follow him, but what will happen otherwise? I still have my duties as vice captain. I am the one that runs the division. And Taicho knows that.

Positive Attributes:

He has a genuine personality. While he has multiple facets of his personality, it is not to deceive. He prefers being lighthearted and jovial with most others. Yet when he is in the company of Ukitake-taicho, Yamamato-soutaicho and sometimes myself, he discards that ridiculousness. He acts more like the astute and intelligent leader he is.

He is truthful. When you ask him a question that you need an answer to, you can be certain that he will give you the truth. He makes it obvious when he isn't serious.

Recent events have demonstrated how caring he is.

There is always kindness in his eyes. And he's always looking out for everyone, especially that time he picked up that turtle and put it back into the pond.

He is rather talented as well. He is an excellent leader. Even though he doesn't train the troops very often, they are still more than willing to follow him. They look up to him. He looks out for them. I'm not sure which of us are better at kido. I suppose we'll have to have an all out match some day. Shunsui also has an appreciation for literature. He really has good taste. And recently I discovered he is talented chef when he brought in some of the most wonderful noodles in for lunch. I nearly melted at how delicious it was.

He listens to my ideas and opinions. While there are times where I know that he won't take them into account, he still wants to know for some reason.

He's rather perceptive and knows when to push a subject and when to let it go. Like talking about the last mission I led. Somehow he knows when I need to talk about it, and other times he knows when he shouldn't push the subject.

But most of all I can't get over how he makes me feel. He made me feel confident and relatively happy again after my failure. But most of all, he also makes me feel at home.


	127. summer thunderstorm

Occasionally when I'm feeling despondent, my inner world rumbles with thunderstorms. Apparently the sakura tree takes a beating when I'm having one of those days. Saimitsu says he only likes thunderstorms when they're off in the distance blowing away, closer to where the mountains are. They look more beautiful from afar than when you're caught up in the middle of one. Today's experiences might cause me some doubt in that assertion of his.

Today Taicho convinced me to go on a picnic with him. He is convinced that he can't end the day without seeing me smile at least once. Which is rather ambitious since it takes quite the effort. And when I say "convince" I mean, waited until I left the office to obtain a cup of tea and stole all the paperwork. He left a note to go find him and he would tell me where my reports are after I have lunch with him. From experience, I decided to comply with his absurd request since the last time he hid something, I didn't get to see it for 7 years. I cannot afford that with the division reports.

I found him by the sakura tree that reminds me so much of my own soul. He already had some rice, crackers and sweet bean jelly laid out on something other than his pink haori for once. I tensed slightly not seeing my paperwork, but at seeing my concern, Taicho informed me that it was over in the 3rd seat's office "all safe and sound." It was actually a pleasant lunch. He wanted to make sure I took some time to enjoy the summer.

Unfortunately, summer thunderstorms are integral to the season. He grabbed the basket in one hand and grabbed my hand in the other. He shunpoed with me to an dilapitaded and abandoned shack where we could hide under the eaves from the pouring rain. He gently pulled me under the eaves as well. Since I'm not quite used to having external forces exerted on my limbs while treading on wet grass, I nearly fell forward. Instinctively, I put my free hand out in front of me to brace my imminent fall, the path of which happened to coincide with Shunsui's chest.

My eyes were wide when I looked up into his face. He gave me a gentle smile with a soft expression in his eyes. I snatched my hand away as soon as I regained my bearings. I struggled against the blush threatening to rise up on my face. He let go of my hand and his face broke into a playful grin.

"Ahh, all these years of forcing me to keep my hands to myself, Nanao just wants to get an excuse to put her hands on me first. I always love how you take charge." His voice was deep... and something else as well...

I gave a short yell of aggravation and shoved him into the wall. He rumbled with laughter. "Oh, I get to see the feisty side of Nanao-chan! How lucky!"

"Why do you need to be so…infuriating!"

"Because I enjoy seeing Nanao-chan's cheeks all flushed! She is so cute with pink cheeks. I think you'd look good in pink."

The rain was passing at this point and was light enough to walk through without getting soaked. I decided Taicho needed a bit of a lesson, so I cast a chantless bakudo 63 sajo sabaku on him. His eyes widened in amusement.

"Serves you right for being ridiculous, Taicho. Like I'd ever wear pink."

"What? Is Nanao-chan going to have her devilish way with me now that I'm all bound? Didn't peg you as the kinky type, lovely Nanao-chan."

I picked up the basket he dropped and started walking away.

"Nanao-chan? You're going to leave your poor captain here in the wet and cold?"

I couldn't help the smirk that caught my face for winning this round. I called over my shoulder.

"See you back in the office, Taicho." I knew he would be fine. If he didn't come back by the end of the day I would have retrieved him. Knowing his skill in kido, he'd manage his way out. Sure enough, he walked by the office as the sun was setting.

"So cruel, Nanao-chan. But I still got you to smile today. And such a saucy one at that." He was gone before he could see the irritated glare I directed at him.

You won today, Shunsui, but I won't let you get away so easily next time you decide to play your little game.


	128. success and sun porches

I was finally able to go on a mission again today. I've been avoiding it for a few years since I've been feeling rather inadequate in my abilities. Taicho convinced me to take up another mission. Rather, he threatened to follow me around all day in hopes of catching me off guard and giving me a hug. I preferred taking my chances with the chance of failures with hollows than face the emotions that might surface with too much contact with Taicho. Ever since I broke down and allowed him to hold me in my moment of weakness, he's been itching for a repeat performance. It's been quite frustrating to say the least. At least it made my decision with Taicho's ultimatum swift. Taicho seemed slightly disappointed at the rapidity of my response. I simply know that I do not want to walk down a path I am not prepared to walk. I also get the nagging feeling that if I ever did take that turn, I might never be capable of turning back.

As for the mission, it turned out well. I may have come off as a bit fierce to my subordinates that accompanied me. I never want to come back alone like I did. I abhor that feeling. In retrospect, emotion occasionally can assist in one's resolve to accomplish the mission. It augments the sense of duty and gives a greater drive to be successful.

Taicho was waiting in my chair when I returned to the 8th. I gave him a dark glare for sitting in my seat and having the audacity of not working. Especially for leaning back and putting his feet up on my desk. The nerve of the man. Yet today apparently was a day of ultimatums for him though.

"I won't get out of darling Nanao-chan's seat until tells me how her mission went. Or unless she gives me a hug. Then I'll gladly get up." He smiled up at me. I continued to glare back.

"My mission was successful; now get out of my chair."

"No details for your Taicho? That's so cold."

"Now." My hand glowed with kido. It angered me how it just served to widen his smile.

"What happens if I don't?"

"This." I swept my leg under the chair, knocking out one of the two legs that were holding his weight. If I had been in a better mood, I would remark how comical his fall was. Yet I did not have humor to spare at the moment.

"Oww, Nanao-chan! Do you have to be to mean to your Taicho? All I do is shower you with compliments and this is the treatment I get?" I suppose he's right, but it's the only way to curb my more dangerous emotions regarding him. I responded with brightening the kido forming in my hand.

"Y'know, Nanao-chan, I know you like spontaneously starting construction projects in our office. But can we discuss a sun porch before we make one?" He rose as he attempted to placate me. "I mean, I could see how you'd love to sit on the porch and share a cup of coffee together or watch the world go by in my arms…" He looked hopefully at that last comment

"Alright." He sighed in temporary relief. "Either you remove yourself from my office now or we will have a 'sun porch' as you put it." The reiatsu I had been gathering took a more definitive shape in order to buttress my own ultimatum. I loved how his eyes widened nearly imperceptibly before he gave me half a smirk as he turned and waved.

"See you later my lovely yet dangerous Nanao-chan! Glad your mission went well!"

Honestly, with the way that man teases me, I'm surprised we still have an office at all.


	129. vices of a captain

I've noticed a strange correlation between the quantity of my missions and the number of times I've needed to retrieve Taicho from the sake houses. While it's never been an issue before, the frequency of this occurrence has increased dramatically since I started taking missions again.

Before there were decent number of women involved during these nights. Usually the women didn't take too much convincing that I was no threat to them and apologized for my captain's tendency to overindulge in sake. Typically they had quite a bit themselves. The worse ones were the ones that whined when I came to bring Taicho home.

Recently, he's been drinking alone, even without Ukitake-taicho or with some busty women. He hasn't been drinking with Rangiku lately either. At least when they drink I know that between the two of them, they'll make sure the other doesn't die. I wouldn't know what I would do if either of them died from alcohol poisoning. I would be sad of course, but that wouldn't prevent me from finding wherever they were reincarnated in the living world and yelling at them. Unfortunately they would have no idea what I would be angry at them for….

I hate picking him up when he's alone. It makes me sad. For someone as charismatic as him, he should have someone to drink with. Yet I hate it more when there are women draped all over him when I come pick him up. I typically wait for them to leave, but there is a point where I feel his reiatsu fluctuate at the point where the amount he's consumed is dangerous. They never really bothered me before. I always knew Taicho likes the company of women, he thinks that they're much more fun to drink with. Yet something must have happened recently where they've started to perturb me.

I suppose it was a night when I picked him up from one such group of women. I was supporting a large portion of weight. When I first brought him back home, I was surprised at how heavy he really is since he moves almost gracefully when he's sober. Our conversations are typically of me reprimanding him and him complaining that I'm taking him away from all the fun. But that night the topic of discussion was rather different.

"Nanao-channn?" His head was rather close and his chest was nearly against my side as I put my shoulder under his arm for support. Every word he spoke vibrated against my frame.

"Hai, Taicho?"

"Why do you always come get me from the houses?" I thought he was going in the direction of ruining his fun with all the ladies.

"I'd rather have a captain in the morning, Taicho."

"Nooooo, Nanaoo-chann. That's not what I meaaan."

"Then could you clarify?

"Y'know that I'd be fine most nights, but you still get meeee. Why do you do that, Nanaooo-channn? You could just leave me there. I deserve it anyways."

"I wouldn't hear the end of your incessant whining then, Taicho."

"You know I wouldn't whineee. You're never good at lying, Nanao-chan. What you said first sounded more right."

"Fine, I'll humor you. I prefer knowing that you're in one piece at the 8th instead of some random sake house where Kami knows what will happen to you. I might feel guilty if something did."

"Awww Nanao-chan cares in her own roundabout way…" He paused for quite some time "Would you ever come with me?" For a moment when I looked up into his face he seemed as sober as I was. The seriousness in his eyes almost convinced me that this was all an act to get closer to his Nanao-chan. Then his breath hit my face and I was sure it wasn't.

"If drinking was something I enjoyed, I still wouldn't. I'd be rather unprofessional of me to do so."

"Why is everything about professionalism with you? You're far too lovely to always think of such strict things."

"I have already had one experience when my emotions got the better of me. I would prefer not to lose control again." I was starting to wish he wasn't so heavy, since the walk wouldn't take as long. He didn't seem to mind, though.

"You don't have to shut them away either, Nanao." I shivered when he dropped the "chan" suffix. The way he said it so close, so deep and dark. And the way his chest rumbled against my side. I made a sharp comment to regain my more proper behavior.

"I fear that if I give them an inch, that they may take a mile. Besides, if I used them on a daily basis, I would have lost my sanity years ago." He laughed.

"I suppose you're right, Nanao-chan." We walked in silence for the remainder of the way. When we neared the door to his quarters he spoke up again.

"I'll be fine from here. Arigato, Nanao." He gave my shoulder a squeeze before he slowly stood up straight and entered his living space. Even for being drunk he walked rather well. If I didn't know better, he could have convinced me he was fine. Must be all those years of practice.

I still can't get over how he said my name, though.


	130. abyss of sadness

Taicho's drinking has become an issue. It's starting to dramatically affect my ability, let alone his, to properly function in the office. I've had to retrieve him almost every day for the past two weeks to prevent himself from drinking himself into a coma. It frustrated me, enough so where I yelled at him today when he walked into the office around three in the afternoon looking worse for wear. I stood up and addressed the concern:

"Kyouraku-taicho, I must ask that you cease and desist from your nearly destructive behavior of overdrinking and chasing almost every woman. Not only are you unable to perform your duties, you're keeping me from mine when I need to make sure you're not dead! I most certainly run the division, but I cannot dare to think that I have the abilities to take the role of captain. And giving all those women false hope of any sort of relationship with you. That is just cruel."

"Nanao." It was that authoritative tone he rarely uses. It's the voice that you wouldn't dare to challenge. The one you will listen to whether you want to or not.

"Have you ever considered why I drink? Why I flirt with women? Maybe when you've seen as much or lost as many people I have, maybe drinking the pain away wouldn't seem so objectionable. The nightmares come and go but they've been horrible lately. And with the women, maybe a bit of harmless company can distract me from everything that my mind dwells on. I've tried so many other ways to keep those dark thoughts at bay. People can't handle that darker side of me, Nanao, it's too intense for them. And I love the company of others, it's comforting. Even if it's only fleeting."

Something told me he's dancing around the real issue at hand, but his monologue rung true enough. I can't help but think it's my fault. I know he hates when I go on missions. All of this started up when I began taking much more regular missions. Is he afraid that he'd lose me? I thought I was the one with the fear of losing those close to me.

Apparently I was feeling daring today. So I rebutted.

"Or maybe you're afraid of facing those fears head on since you hate a fight. I admire how you're a pacifist, but not when it's against yourself. I know you're better than that. You've always told me that sharing your burdens with others helps, You probably share most of it with Ukitake-taicho. Yet he's probably seen as much as you have and has his own burdens to bear. Maybe you need a new set of shoulders." I couldn't believe what I just did. I just spoke against _that_ voice and nearly called him a coward. And I implied a rather intimate type of support. Even if it would help me understand Taicho better, I don't think I'm ready for that sort of responsibility. Maybe a part of me, the part that said it, believes that I am.

His response was peculiar. His concern melted from his face and seemed almost blank. His eyes became unfocused. Before I could say anything he turned and swept out of the room. I searched all over for him once I quickly finished the remainder of the paperwork for the day. I finally found him with Ukitake-taicho discussing something in one of the 13th's more remote training grounds. He seemed fine, but I don't know if I did something irrevocably wrong.


	131. office blues

I hate to admit this, but I have been lonely recently. Ever since I blew up at Taicho, he's been so distant. He rarely comes into the office while I'm here, but every morning I find all the paperwork that I left on his desk neatly done the next morning on mine. He never avoids me. All this time I've practically wished for such an occurrence where he leaves me be, but now that I have it, I detest it.

I miss his flowery interjections, his flamboyant flirtations and his occasional moments of utter intelligence and insight. But I won't dare tell him. He might look too far into the fact and find meaning where there is none. I merely have acclimated to working in such a chaotic environment.

Maybe if I blow a hole in the office he'll come by. I can always claim some subordinate perturbed me and called me "Nanao-chan." It seems like a decent plan, I hint that I dislike the nickname and regain his more normal behavior. Or maybe if I don't eat or sleep enough, he'll notice and fall into his "must keep Nanao-chan from hurting her cute self" mode.

I haven't told Rangiku any of this, but I have a feeling she can already sense it. She's rather intuitive about this subject matter. She's been coming by the office more often. She does go out drinking, most likely with Shunsui, but she hasn't said anything in relation to it. Maybe he's taking my suggestion and using her shoulders. While she is so similar to him and would be suitable and could understand, I was hoping he could trust me. Maybe I have tried to distance myself too much from him and he feels there's no place for him. As much as I've tried to keep our relationship professional, his persistence has developed a bond that rises above duty. But I'll only keep it at the level a platonic friendship. Otherwise it would become unprofessional to a reprehensible extent.


	132. sneak attack

I nearly screamed like a child today. At least Taicho has finally returned to the office and received a hug. Mind you, he stole it while I was sitting in my chair minding the reports. He really needs to stop "practicing" hiding his reiatsu. And proceeding to sneak up behind me and wrap his arms around my shoulders! I also had the nerve to enjoy such an action! At least I covered it up well with swatting at his face forcefully with the book I've been reading. It didn't keep his grin from fading one bit.

"I got my kawaii Nanao-chan! Her scream is just as cute as she is!"

"Kyouraku-taicho, remove yourself! Now! This is absurd, I'm trying to do your division work!"

"Mmm bossy and violent Nanao-chan is cute too!" He just tightened his arms. I need to keep reminding myself that it didn't feel nice since it was inappropriate and he's being insincere.

"Taicho. I will release a spell right here. But there is the possibility that we may have a skylight. Yet you enjoy basking in the sun and I prefer having you in the office so you can sign the paperwork when I need you to. So it works for the both of us. Now that we discussed it, release me. Now." I started gathering kido.

"Hold on Nanao-chan. We haven't discussed anything! You're just bossing me around more. Which I don't really mind too much if it's you…" His mouth was close to my ear and could feel his breath along the side of my face and neck. His voice was too low and too dark to be his typical flirting. "Maybe you're just trying to hide that you're enjoying this as much as I am…"

I couldn't take it any longer. I snapped. We then had a rather large skylight. At least he released me in his need to dodge. He looked up to the gaping hole in the roof and sighed.

"We didn't discuss this, Nanao-chan." I glared up at him. I hoped it conveyed that he already had his chance for input but relinquished it when he didn't relinquish his hold on me. He just smiled back. I need to start hardening myself against those eyes again. I'm getting soft on him.

"I'll let you sort this out, then, Nanao-chan." He turned and started leaving.

"Of course I will since I do everything else!"

"Come visit the 13th, Ukitake's and Kaien-kun have been wondering where you've been!"

I sighed in defeat when he closed the door. Can I ever win? I looked up to the hole in the roof and the sun stung my eyes. I wasn't satisfied with my new renovation. So I pulled out a form and started filling out the request for building repair. Taicho would find some way to use that to his advantage and frustrate me in a whole new and inconceivable level.


	133. fifty

It's been some time since I've last written in my journal. Life at the 8th has become fairly routine, which doesn't happen for extended periods of time as it has for the past few years. I come in the office in the morning, have my cup of coffee and proceed with the day's work. About and hour before noon, Taicho will come in, harass me in attempts to come to lunch with him, in which I stiffly decline since I have productive things to do. He actually convinces me about once a week to join him. Sometimes it's just the two of us, and other times we'll go to the 13th or Rangiku will tag along. I'll typically go back to the office and finish any leftover reports and then go to the training fields either for an informal lesson with some division members that have asked for assistance or to train personally. I usually return to the office to set up anything I need to for the next day. Taicho sometimes will come by, ask me if I'd join him in a drink, I decline and go home. Sometimes SWA will have a night out or Rangiku will ask to go shopping. The biggest gossip has been that Kuchiki's have undergone some changes. Unfortunately Kuchiki-taicho has passed away and his grandson assumed the titled and became the head of their clan since his parents passed away recently too. Additionally, He's marrying a woman named Hisana-san next year. Besides that, life seems fairly stagnant in Seireitei.

Of course Taicho has been trying to touch and hug me ever since he caught me off guard. Yet I will not let that happen again. I don't want to have contact with Kyouraku-taicho, it throws me off my mental sense of balance. But I have a new flirtatious action to deflect now. Taicho attempted to give me a kiss today. He said it was in honor of our first meeting 50 years ago. While I was able to quickly deflect his face with my fan, I was still stunned at both his audacity to try and kiss me and that he remembered we met on May 8th. He doesn't remember silly dates for other people very often from what I've seen. Yet somehow he recalls days like these. Does it make me foolish to think that it might mean something? Or want to it mean something even though I don't have a clear idea what that might be?

Either way, I hardly believe that Taicho could be serious about anything feminine besides his pink haori. I've never picked him up from the same woman more than twice other than Rangiku. But she has made it perfectly clear that Ichimaru Gin stole away her heart already and that Kyouraku-taicho is only interested in her in her love of sake and comparable tolerance, both necessary qualities for a "drinking buddy."


	134. pulse

Despite my greatest efforts to keep a proper and professional distance, I've fallen in love with Kyouraku Shunsui. I don't understand why but it might have to do with the persistence of flirtatious behavior in regards to myself. The years of him calling me "his Nanao-chan," the hugs, the now years of his incessant attempts of getting a kiss from me must have developed a place within my heart for him. He does things in such a roundabout way.

This revelation only came when I went to get him from one of the sake houses. Typically he doesn't drink himself out cold. Usually he'll wake up when I shove him a bit but this time he didn't. I yelled at him, I shook him and nothing worked. I checked his pulse put could feel nothing. My adrenaline started. I will not lose him to a few too many sake bottles. It would be a shameful and undignified end to such a wonderful man. I heaved his weight over my shoulders and shunpoed as fast as I could to the 4th. I was frustrated how slow I was, but Shunsui was so heavy. I was panting when I got to the gates and Unohana-taicho came out swiftly. I managed to pant out that he had too much sake and had no pulse. Unohana-taicho called for a couple assistants to take him inside. She told me she would take care of him.

I waited in the hallway sitting on the floor clutching my knees. I know it's not my fault, it was his choice to drink absurd quantities of alcohol. That didn't keep me from feeling guilty. Or from a dreadful sinking sensation that threatened to cause a mental breakdown. I had invested many emotions in my relationship with my captain regardless of my efforts to prevent such an investment.

I sat there thinking about something Kaien had said about hearts. Something about how you share it with others. And in his own way, Shunsui shared his with me. I wouldn't be able to lead the 8th like he does, they look up to him. I don't even have bankai yet. Saimitsu has been elusive on that matter. Even when he doesn't home in the office regularly I find myself missing him. My breath hitched. What if he never was in the office again? What if he wasn't there to wear the 8th's captain's haori? I would never be able to wear it, it was all wrong.

I reflected on when this whole emotional process started and realized I had been addressing him by his given name for quite some time in my own mind. I would never dare to call him that orally. It's much too intimate. Even Ukitake-taicho doesn't use that name. Yet they could have grown used to using family names since it's common in the Academy to do so and they never thought it necessary to use anything else.

I knew I admired him for quite some time, but those smiles and the moments when he looks at me with a soft gaze… I almost wonder how I lasted as long as I did.

I have no idea how much time passed in that hallway of the 4th, but when Unohana-taicho came out and informed me that his condition was stable and was on the way to recovery, I felt I could breathe again. He had a pulse again. I wouldn't have to face all of the dark implications and scenarios if he were no longer here in this world. I don't want to be left again.

I gave him a admonishment that he would not soon forget when he recovered. He noticed I was seething for a few days after the incident and when he had the audacity to ask me why. I yelled. I screamed and chased him out of my office with a thick manuscript in hand. I never want to deal with anything like that again. My chest heaved after he ran out clutching at his hat. I assume he went to the 13th since Kaien poked his head in my office a few hours later. I suppose he didn't want to be disintegrated so he waited for me to calm down. I also needed time to reorganize the papers that had flown around the office when I lost control of my reiatsu, so I'm glad he waited. I wanted time to recompose myself and my office. Apparently he was curious how I made Kyouraku-taicho so frightened.

"Taicho nearly drunk himself to death. I know he will do the absurd to avoid paperwork, but this was too far. I am not prepared for such a situation." I had to do my best to keep my lip from quivering or even breaking down. Kaien brought a chair by my desk with a sad smile.

"He didn't know it would make you so upset. Kyouraku-taicho was miserable for making you that angry. But you should've seen how scared he was when he nearly ran into the office. If I weren't so worried, I would've laughed." He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "Don't worry, he's truly sorry for doing such a stupid thing. He's a man, we do stupid stuff."

I took a deep breath and offered a small smile. "I know, Kaien-san. I just don't want to lose him too." Kaien got up and gave me a big smile.

"I have a hunch he's not going to let anything like that happen. Feel better Nanao-san! I'm sure everything will turn out fine." He waved over his shoulder as he left. I gave a big sigh. Maybe I was right, that man really is driving me insane.

* * *

A/N: I know the scenario is a bit cliched, but I couldn't help it. I originally was going to have this chapter later on, but it seemed to fit here. Hope you don't mind! But now I'm off to enjoy the rest of my birthday!


	135. mum's the word

I've been doing my best to live as though I had not had a particular revelation recently. I don't want it to become a liability in my duties as vice captain of the 8th. I've been searching the library for answers on how to handle the situation, only when I know Taicho is decently occupied. I'd be mortified if he saw me reading a book with the title "So You've Fallen in Love with Your Captain…" While granted I have not found a manuscript with a similar name, Taicho is rather talented in inferring correct information from momentary involvement of most scenarios.

It's infinitely frustrating trying to keep information from him. Yet this recent emotional discovery must be the one thing I can keep from him. Otherwise the teasing and mockery would be endless. I would also just be another one of those women that he meets at the sake house and never meets again. I'm not the type of woman that he spends his free time with. More likely than not, he probably wouldn't reciprocate such foolish emotions.

Well, if it is foolish, that means Shunsui is capable of it. Yet I suppose he has already loved and lost dozens of times since he's been in Seireitei for as long as he has. Which is another reason why a…romantic relationship with him would be both unprofessional and improbable. Why should he show serious interest in someone that is a fraction of his age? What makes me interesting enough for his attention? He does flirt, but he flirts with anything remotely feminine. And I am certainly not the most feminine of figures. Rangiku teases me occasionally on how apparently flat my chest is. Sometimes it boggles me how we lie on opposite ends of the spectrum in so many aspects yet we still are as close as we are. But that is beside the point.

I wouldn't know how to work with him if he ever knew. This would be something could completely destroy our healthy yet somewhat peculiar working relationship. Namely, me doing all the work and he would incessantly pester me in the office. Actually, not much would change in how he behaves, but I wouldn't want to change the way he looks at me. I don't want him to view me with pity knowing he was the cause of some ridiculous unrequited love. It would be even worse if he just humored me. No this is something I must keep to myself.

* * *

A/N: sorry for the short break - went home to see the family. We'll see how often the updating might go since term is starting to pick up and I officially have a senior project now. Plus I also want to move this along, I'm getting impatient again. :-P Hope you enjoyed!


	136. not just gossip

There've been plenty of upset bachelorettes in Seireitei recently. Kuchiki Byakuya has been taken off of the singles market. He married a gentle woman named Hisana against his family's wishes. Apparently she was from Rukongai. I never really understood the rules that nobles have, but apparently it is unspeakable for a noble to consider dating, let alone marrying someone from Rukongai.

Taicho said it's admirable that Kuchiki-taicho did such a thing. I inquired as to the reason behind his statement and he gave me a smile from his lounging position on the couch.

"Nanao-chan, it is much more noble and brave to follow one's own feelings and persevere against those who tell you who you are allowed to love than to let something important such as who your heart belongs to be decided by others."

Internally I gaped at him. Had he figured out my feelings for him? I felt some hope that it could be possible for Taicho to reciprocate my feelings if he honestly believes that.

To cover my internal confusion, I looked up at him and evenly stated. "This coming from a man who feels every woman should be chased and flirted with." I returned my gaze to the paperwork at hand.

"Of course, Nanao-chan! I'm glad you understand! A woman is no less a woman if she comes from Rukongai or from the noblest of families. They all deserve affection and attention." His voice dropped "Of course, there are some women who are more deserving than others…" I looked up and was startled at how intently he was watching me. I hesitated a moment after he paused.

"Those must be the women that drink the most and are the best endowed." His smile became slightly saddened.

"You still have so much to learn, my lovely Nanao-chan."

"I will not deny that I still have things to learn, but I will ask that you desist from referring to me as yours, or using that silly suffix. I am no longer a child."

"I am quite aware of that fact, darling Nanao-chan." I glared at him for using the suffix again. I can't deal with this verbal treatment especially when he looks at me that way. I'm tired of being called his when in truth he's insincere. I dropped my voice in a more contemplative manner.

"Maybe I'll relocate all of your sake you have stored away if you continue this inappropriate behavior." I never get tired of surprising him.

"You wouldn't do that, would you, Nanao-chan?" I twitched when he used the suffix again.

"I suppose you'll find out soon enough, Taicho."

"I get such cruel treatment from my harsh fukutaicho even when I unceasingly adore her. I'll have to nap off the pain then." He tilted his hat over his eyes and proceeded to execute his plan. Or at least pretend to.

I had to push away the thought of how much I enjoyed having him there before I could finish the day's work.


	137. the next generation

Nothing really has been changing in the 8th, which explains the sudden fixation of our squad on gossip. While I try to keep myself separated from such speculative talk, it's immensely difficult that between the attempts of kissing and hugging, Taicho always shares recent talk around Seireitei. Typically it's about this person dating that person, who passed away recently or who got promoted. Yet the gossip this week is about a group of individuals my age that are currently in the Academy.

One of them was adopted a few months ago into the Kuchiki family as Kuchiki-taicho's little sister. Taicho thought that was rather interesting since the girl is from Rukongai along with another notable member of the class. He and several others helped save another student during field training to the real world. But what is peculiar is that this student is skilled enough that he already has been taking missions from the Gotei 13. I believe his name is Hisagi and he was one of the students leading the exercise.

I read the report after hearing about this strange occurrence. If he really was as talented as his appointments indicate, he should have handled the situation without complications. Yet this student's report indicated hollows that were able to mask their reiatsu until they were nearly on top of them. The group of younger students remained despite Hisagi's orders until Aizen-taicho and Ichimaru-fukutaicho arrived. That disturbed me slightly since it reminded me too much when I came home without Kaiko. Maybe that's something I'll bring up with Taicho. There seems to be too many of the occurrences to be merely coincidence. Maybe he has some thoughts on the matter.

Overall, it seems like this class holds quite a bit of talent, maybe it won't be too long before they reach seated positions. Maybe some of them will be interested in joining SWA, a number of our members have been bested during missions as of late. We could use more talented women in the Gotei 13. Rangiku has been working up the chain of command slowly but surely she started coming when she reached the 5th seat. She tells me her captain is rather unremarkable and she's been getting bored at her division. While things are fairly consistent in the 8th, it never seems to get boring. I'll attribute that mostly to Taicho though.


	138. 13th plus one

So the girl that was adopted into the Kuchiki clan as assigned to the 13th division. Kaien-san seems to like Kuchiki Rukia. He told me she seems a bit stiff, but she's been adopted into a noble house. While I understand the concept of a rigidly controlled environment, I should since I put myself through such mental controls, I don't know why they need to expend so much energy maintaining some of the rules they've created. Maybe since I am not nobility, I wouldn't understand. Taicho and Ukitake-taicho are from respectable houses though, and they don't seem to care too much on the matter.

I went to go visit Kaien after he wasn't in his office when I dropped of some reports for him. When I found him he was on the training grounds with Kuchiki-san. She was very polite and formal when she greeted me. Kaien ruffled her hair at being too formal in his opinion. I thought it was nice receiving a formal greeting, but Kaien has always felt you should be comfortable with those you work with. Judging by how relieved she appeared when Kaien told her to at least address me somewhat more informally, she must prefer a more relaxed atmosphere. I don't blame her either. I wouldn't be capable of imagining Kyouraku-taicho running the 8th as tight and strict as the 6th recently. Then again, I might have grown used to his casual ways.

I watched Kaien train with her for a bit. He really seemed to enjoy himself. Maybe he found his equivalent of Kaiko. Kaien liked teasing her about being so formal too. While they are similar grounds in being members of one of the noble houses, he doesn't really care. He's never treated me any differently since I'm from Rukongai. I admire that in people. Especially in Taicho.

I just hope Kuchiki-san stays around longer than Kaiko did for Kaien's sake.


	139. palms

Trust Shunsui to keep me from boredom by breaking routine. While he did use a effective method, I would have preferred something less… intense. He came into the office at some ungodly hour since I left late and came in early since I had more reports than usual to hand in this month. I had been sustaining this behavior for over a week and Taicho apparently noticed. As his strange form of punishment for "not taking good care" of myself, he removed all of the paperwork from our office. When I state "all," I mean that he removed every scrap of paperwork and all of my ink brushes.

I figured Shunsui would come in earlier since he would like to deter me from searching if he keeps me waiting too long. He knows I won't wait too long. Yet I didn't want to confront the issue without my morning coffee. I had a feeling that I would need it soon. I returned to sit at my desk when I had obtained my morning coffee and started a mental list of all of the places he would possibly hide my work. I also had to take in the possibility that he would use multiple locations since that would be too easy.

I couldn't keep from considering all of the horrible hazards my reports could encounter while they weren't in the safety of my office. They could be spilt on, stepped on by careless new recruits, kidoed into ashes by shinigami practicing their form, chopped in overzealous swordsmen that could possibly belong with the 11th. There were too many dangers for my reports to be floating around the 8th, possibly the 13th and honestly even the 10th as well. I started getting angry, which was when Taicho decided to enter the office.

He never seems to come in his own door, in preference to come greet me first. He leisurely stood by the doorway looking at me from under his hat. I stood up and leaned on my palms that I placed on the desk. I glared at him over the tops of my glasses. He couldn't keep from smirking.

"Kyouraku-taicho, I insist that you finish your foolish game and return the division paperwork to my desk. There is quite a bit that needs to be done and I can't have you running around with it."

Taicho's grin took on another look altogether before he shunpoed right in front of my desk and placed his hands over min, using his weight to keep my hands pinned to the table. His hands were warm and gentle, as calloused as they were. But that didn't compare with how warm his breath was on my face. I blinked when I realized that his face was a hands width away from my own. I went to forcefully deflect such closeness until I realized his tactical move in firmly placing his hands over mine. He effectively prevented me from using both kido and my fan to keep him away. But then he used a dark and low voice to address me.

"Nanao-chan can't have me? Why not? All she needs to do is just ask…"

His eyes were so dark as they looked into my eyes and then looked down to my lips. At that moment I wished that he could just be sincere and mean what he said. I wished he would close that distance. I wanted to feel his lips slide along mine. I hoped that Shunsui would move his hands to run up along my arms slowly, over my shoulders to cup my neck in one hand and to caress my cheek with the other. Then I would be free to drag him by that ridiculously pink haori onto my conveniently cleared desk. At least that stupid thing could serve some sort of purpose. I would be able to touch his chest again since that time in the summer shower. I blinked to drive those higly unprofessional thoughts away since that scenario would hardly ever happen in a hundred years. Taicho would never take me seriously. So I mustered up all of the cynicism and sternness I could.

"It's unbecoming of you to take your subordinates statements out of context. I merely abhor having my paperwork floating god knows where. For all I know, it could be utterly destroyed and your plan to moderate my time in the office would be moot. Again, where is my paperwork?"

It took every bit of me to focus and not lean just a tad bit closer. He moved his head so he could whisper into my right ear.

"Anything my Nanao-chan desires…"

Oh Kami. I nearly lost it and shivered. Shunsui's breath was warm as it ticked my ear and the exposed portion of my neck. I brought up images of horrible and gory missions to not lose my composure. I had a mission, I needed my paperwork back. I had to control my breathing; I had to control my actions. The back of my neck heated up and I fought to keep the blush from my face. He couldn't know how easily he could affect me, otherwise I doubt I could get anything completed in this division again.

He pulled away slowly watching my eyes out of the corner of his as he moved away and out of the room. I let out a huge sigh when I felt his reiatsu shunpo away to the 13th. I suppose Kaien assisted him in this little charade. I'll have to hit him later. I finished my coffee and retrieved another one. After a half hour, Taicho returned with a large stack of papers and my ink brushes. He gave a new type of grin as he turned and looked over his shoulder while he was leaving.

"Have a good day, lovely Nanao-chan. Remember what I said."

I mentally screamed as he left. Is there no end to his creativity when it comes to infuriating me? As the day continued, I was convinced that there wasn't since he effectively kept me distracted all day without even being there. I couldn't help but thinking of those hands and how they would feel elsewhere. I'd reprimand that thought and no sooner had I stopped thinking if wandering hands I'd think of how close his lips were to mine. What would they feel like? What would his stubble feel like? I'd shake my head closing my eyes hoping to shake that thought too, but that only brought the image of his eyes to mind. I might have seen them like that once or twice, but this was of greater caliber. The darkness made me want to simply melt like the chocolate brown they appeared as. Just thinking of his eyes just made me breath a bit faster. I'd bury my face in my hands to shut out the thought and the idea of his hands on mine would shortly return.

He passed by the office door and I threw a book at him to demonstrate how angry I was that he put me in this useless cycle of distraction. Of course I didn't vocalize what I was angry at though. That wouldn't do at all.

I bet Kaien gave him the idea. I'm so going to destroy him tomorrow. I'll apologize to Kuchiki-san for taking away her mentor, but Kaien needs to learn his lesson. Maybe I'll reprimand Ukitake-taicho for letting his subordinate to cause such chaos in other divisions. Shunsui's going to get quite the punishment as well once I can think of something suitable. He crossed too many lines today. I still can't wipe today's experience from my mind hours later and I am not going to let collaborators in the experience go unscathed.

* * *

A/N: I've been waiting so long for this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it!


	140. girls night out

I am not letting Rangiku convince me to go out drinking again for a long time. We've gotten new membership with SWA recently. Kuchiki-san joined along with one of the lower seats of the 4th, Kotetsu Isane. I remarked to her one day that the name was rather familiar and she informed me that her sister Kiyone was in the 13th. Typically when the girls go out, I don't drink. Yet there was nothing that was able to keep that damned experience from popping up in my mind! And it happened over a year ago! Granted, Taicho made sure that I did not forget out close encounter since then.

So it was very understandable that Rangiku, who has gone out with SWA before, was surprised that I joined in. After I downed my first cup of sake, she led me over to a separate table, sat beside me and inquired.

"Nanao, what has got you drinking? It's got to be something big since I've never seen you voluntarily drink sake, as much as Kyouraku-san's been trying to get you to join him."

I glared at her for mentioning him at all.

"Rangiku, I can't stop thinking him. And it's not just him being a respectable captain…" I looked down to my hands remembering that contact. "He touched my hands about a year ago and I haven't been able to keep myself from dwelling on that distraction. I've gotten pretty effective in pushing it away when I need to, but it's difficult when you have an active imagination."

Rangiku smiled with understanding and pushed the sake bottle closer to my empty cup.

"This could either be the best or worst thing for you right now. But I get what you're saying, you're head over heels for him. " I sighed. I believe she took that as a sigh of defeat. She must have been expecting that I would've been oblivious to this overwhelming emotion regarding Shunsui, though.

"How long have you known?"

I poured another glass and took a large sip.

"Twelve years since I've known. I realized the night he nearly drank himself to deathBut you know I've always had a thing for him."

"And of course you haven't told him."I took another large sip.

"Why would I? I'd just be like one of those other girls that he cavorts with. And he never stays with any of them. What would the office be like after he moves on?"

"Maybe he's more into than you think. Maybe he's afraid to scare you away if he messes up. Or that he thinks he's too old for you. He probably has no idea that you are even remotely interested in him since you hit him if he comes too close." Rangiku finished her drink and poured another.

"I doubt it." I finished my drink. Rangiku poured another for me.

"I'm surprised you didn't tell me sooner."

"I could handle it then." Things were starting to move a bit slower.

"I knew that things were bound to change between you two. If only you could see this from the outside, it'd be so obvious."

I stood up straight and stared at her with wide eyes. "Is it really that obvious?"

"Not if you're not looking for it, it's all very subtle. Besides, I feel that way about a particular someone, so I know how it feels." She was referring to Ichimaru-fukutaicho. He couldn't spend too much time with her because of his duties at the 5th. But at least he shared her sentiment to some degree.

I drank more. Rangiku looked down to the cups and looked back up with a big grin and rosy pink cheeks.

"Let's play a game, Nanao. I drink, you drink. We're going to drink so much that we won't bother thinking of stupid men."

"I don't think this is the best course of action, Ran…."

"Nope! We're doing it, let's challenge the other girls!" She grabbed me by the elbow and dragged me back to the main table and we started our game. There was just so much laughing and drinking and storytelling on how stupid men were. It was actually interesting experiencing the dulling of the senses. Everything moved slowly and thankfully the office seemed so far away. I hardly remember getting home, but I think it involved Rangiku holding me around the waist and getting me a glass of water.

This morning was equally torturous as last night was fun. I only woke up when it was late morning and there was urgent knocking at my door. I groaned at the light and covered my head with my blanket. The knocking continued. A muffled voice made its way inside.

"Nanao-chan? Are you alright? It's almost noon and you weren't in the office. I wanted to make sure you're fine."

I thought of all the times to be concerned about me being in the office, he had to chose now. Usually he's trying to get me out of the office. I just covered my head in my pillow. It was too early to be even thinking of the office.

"If you don't answer me, I'm going to have to come in there and make sure you're still alive. I heard you had quite the night with the girls…"

I think I was starting to drift back asleep when I thought I heard my door open. At that point I didn't care, I just wanted this monstrous headache to go away. And more sleep. I woke up when someone was gently shaking my left shoulder.

"Nanao-chan, you should drink some water. It'll help."

"Go away." I felt Shunsui sit in front of where I was curled up on my right side.

"But you've always taken care of me after a night out, why won't you let me return the favor?" Somehow I could hear him smiling.

"'Cause. You're too loud. And too early." I felt him laugh softly from where he was sitting on my futon. If I was more away I would be yelling at him for being in my quarters uninvited for one, and sitting on my futon, especially when I'm in it. And even more so when he decided to pull back the blankets so he could see my face.

"Morning, Nanao-chan. Don't make me order something silly like drinking water. It'll take away the effect of giving orders." When I finally opened my eyes and looked at him, he was smiling kindly down at me with a glass of water in hand.

"Arigato, Taicho." I sat up and began sipping the water.

"I told you, anything my Nanao-chan desires. But what has really got me intrigued is why kawaii kawaii Nanao-chan drank herself silly last night. Not only have you made me extremely jealous for drinking with the girls, you've made me extremely curious about what drove her to drink so much." He leaned back with his arms supporting him. He extended his legs out as he watched me continue drinking from the corner of his eyes. "Quite the interesting combination."He turned his head to better look at me.

When I was finished the water I realized everything was still a bit blurry. He was looking so intently at my eyes. That's when I noticed that my glasses were off to the side of my futon and reached for them.

"Nanao-chan doesn't realize just how lovely her eyes are behind those glasses…" He sat there just watching again. What is with him? I didn't have time to contemplate since I had work waiting in the office.

"Thank you for helping Taicho, but I would greatly appreciate if you'd remove yourself from my quarters. I need to get ready for the rest of today." He gave a big sigh and nodded.

"Nanao-chan is so formal." He started to grin mischievously. "But what if you need help getting dressed? Don't you want me around just in case?"

"Out. Now." I glared at him. It doesn't seem like it works with him anymore. He just thinks it's adorable.

"Bossy even when she's hung over. I love how my Nanao-chan is so resilient. Bye Nanao, feel better."

I hated how much I enjoyed having Shunsui there when I woke up. It almost seemed to invalidate the whole exercise of getting drunk if he was going to come over and be so caring. No, he's the reason I went drinking, to forget how hopelessly in love with him I am. Occasions like this just make the situation worse.

But I suppose I don't have time to dwell too much. I've already wasted half of the day.


	141. don't stand so close to me

I hate how he's gotten it into his head that he's allowed to stand so close to me. I can't stand it! Most of the time I'm following him since I insist. He insists that I walk along with him, but I'm his subordinate, I walk behind him like a proper fukutaicho. Yet in the office, there is now amount of insistence that can make him move to a more comfortable distance where I can't feel his body heat. He has the entire other half of the office to stand, but when he comes over and talks with me, or when one of us is leaving and the other entering, there is simply too much proximity where I struggle to focus on moving away. Even though there is a part of me that doesn't mind the proximity too much. But that's the same part that suggests that I reach out and pull him closer against all sense of propriety.

Today was an excellent example of this new habit of his. I was rather focused on my paperwork for once and didn't notice him leaning over from behind so his head was level with mine. He also had the audacity to place his hands on the desk either side from my chair, somewhat aging me in. But he had hid his reiatsu so well and I wasn't thinking of him. He apparently was there for a long moment before he whispered into my ear.

"So focused, Nanao-chan…"

I screamed and sat straight up, inadvertently resting my back against his chest. I turned in my chair. The distance was too intimate. I was breathing hard. I'm not sure if it was from him being so close or from the surprise.

"Taicho!" I found a book on my desk and whacked him. "Don't do that!"

"Why not? You're so cute when you're like this… Why is Nanao-chan shaking so much?"

"Nanao-chan is angry at her captain for nearly giving her a heart attack!" I really don't know where the third person reference came from. It must have only been a matter of time until Shunsui's peculiar ways rub off on me.

"I only wanted to-"

"I don't care! If you don't want to go back to doing all the paperwork on your own, I would suggest that you keep your fukutaicho from being scared to death!" It was rather weird yelling at Shunsui when he was still leaning over my chair.

"Nanao-chan's funny when she's angry." I hit him again. He pouted and moved away.

"Nanao-chan is cold hearted too, beating up her caring captain like that. I guess I'll go drink away my sorrows with Ukitake."

I sighed. Just what I need, more material for the involuntary fantasizing. Kami must be playing some practical joke or something. This is starting to just be cruel.


	142. boiling point

Why is it that only Shunsui can test my patience to its breaking point? Maybe he's the only one courageous, or foolish, enough to. He's been puling all these ridiculous actions to just get me flustered since he thinks it's funny. When he tried kissing me in front of the Soutaicho I had it. I firmly and calmly walked away since the meeting had already been over but once I was out of the building I shunpoed back to the 8th. I was walking through one of the training grounds to get to the office or my quarters or somewhere where I could devise a plan to stop Shunsui's overly amorous, inappropriate and disingenuous behavior.

Taicho essentially cut off the process by arriving right behind me.

"Nanao-chan-"

I drew Saimitsu out and turned on my heel swiping at Taicho's head. I was beyond angry. How could he go so far as to embarrass me in front of his superior? If Taicho had been any slower I may have decapitated him then and there. At the moment, I honestly wanted to. I held my stance after I swung. Taicho remained crouched from his duck earlier and looked up at me with confusion and awe.

"If I-"

"Don't you dare try explaining this away!" I threw a shot of red fire at him. He dodged backwards and to the side.

"What is making Nanao-chan so upset?" He dodged another spell.

"Don't play dumb, I told you that you don't do that well." I shunpoed close and went to slice again. He drew out his zanpakuto to defend. It never ceased to amaze me any time he drew Katen Kyoukotsu.

"I honestly don't know darling Nanao-chan. Why don't you try telling me instead of attacking me?" I made for a lower blow since I'm shorter and could use it to my advantage.

"I'm trying a new method since nothing else seems to penetrate your thick skull."

He grinned and it infuriated me further.

"Honestly Nanao-chan, I don't think this way will work." He parried and went to strike from overhead. I used kido to block. I swiped again. I've been too lenient with him. Blocked. Binding spell, dodge, chase. Strike sideways. Shunpo to the side, destructive spell, shunpo in close. Swipe.

Saimitsu was somewhat confused why I needed him to attack Taicho, but he understood how angry I was at the moment. I moved to corner him.

I pushed him with my left into the wall which took the wind out of him. I swung fur the upper chest and he blocked as I just pushed him into the wall. I drew in close to his face over where our zanpakuto met so he could understand everything I said. I waited a moment to catch my breath, but my chest still heaved slightly.

"Don't you think it's embarrassing to try such a frivolous action in front of the Soutaicho? Do you like driving me insane by chasing me all the time?"

"What if I want to kiss my fukutaicho? What so bad about that? Behind the cold facade, she's very saucy I hear." He smirked.

"Arg!" I shoved him harder into the wall and he grunted.

"If you'd like me to stop, you only need to ask."He slightly dropped his smile.

"That's not the point of this!" His grin returned in full force.

"Anyways, don't you think this might be embarrassing as well? I mean with you pinning me to a wall with our chests heaving… "He leaned his face closer to mine and dropped his voice. "Not to mention your hand on my chest …" When did that happen? I snarled back.

"When I have my zanpakuto drawn I don't think anyone would misinterpret the situation at all. They'd just think that you've driven me to the brink of insanity."

I gave him one more shove into the wall for good measure and turned and started to walk away. I sheathed Saimitsu and looked over my shoulder to glare at him one last time before I shunpoed away. Shunsui had the audacity to sheathe his sword with a ridiculous grin on his face.

I can't handle this too much longer. I really might kill the man.


	143. please be moderate

Typically I keep my written emotions here in my journal, but I was considering giving a formal letter to Kyouraku-taicho about his unprofessional behavior. I've coped with it long enough and shouldn't need to deal with fending him off or fetching him from the sake house as part of my daily routine. So I started writing, but not necessarily to him. I wanted to draft out some of my thoughts first. I was most recently irritated by Taicho's drinking since he nearly passed out last night on the way home last night. So I started with that.

"In relation to others, I may have only been in Seireitei for a short period of time. Yet it has been long enough to observe and conclude various things about our culture. This culture has developed over countless eons and I do not ask that we should go about changing it. I am more concerned about being aware of our lifestyle.

While I do not dwell much in the sake houses, I have visited rather frequently. The atmosphere there is rather enjoyable for the short time I have spent there. Generally, patrons are warm and relaxed. I will attribute part of that to some of the side effects of the consumption of alcohol. But for the most part, those who spend time there are there to be happy and laugh. They tell grand stories of humorous occurrences or the valor of fallen comrades. I have seen that people bond and build trust at sake houses, which are positive attributes to have with comrades when going into battle.

Yet there has been too many times when I've witnessed the shinigami that drink to forget, that drink to numb the pain. Many times they drink alone, weakening the bonds by pulling themselves away. Many times they do not know when to stop drinking since the pain overwhelms any sense of judgment. It hurts to see them drinking in misery. There have been numerous occasions where a shinigami had to be brought to the 4th division to keeping them from drinking themselves to death.

Those comrades you drink with, they are there for more than just sharing pleasant memories. I have a feeling that most of them will help you bear the unfortunate memories you carry as well. Sake doesn't care about your losses. But your friends do.

Sake acts as a lubricant. It eases the flow of emotion. If it is positive, they effects can be enjoyable, if not entertaining. If negative, it only increases the intensity. Using sake to block unwanted emotions is like using a straw hat to keep you dry standing under a waterfall. It might keep you comfortable temporarily, but the straw hat is bound to give way.

So I ask, please be moderate."

Rangiku had mistakenly taken the draft since I had forgotten I had placed it under the reports I set aside for her. I still can't believe I had a few pages out of place. She had looked through and found it and of course, read it. At the end of the day she came in waving it at me and said I write really well. Rangiku said it was quite convincing. If she didn't enjoy drinking as much as she did, she might have stopped altogether. That's when she said that I should put it in Seireitei Communications. I never thought of submitting anything for it before. Rangiku managed to convince me after a few minutes to show it to one of the seats in the 9th who's currently running the publication. I'm still hesitant about the whole thing, but she was really excited about my mock letter. I guess if Rangiku is excited about something that involves moderation and alcohol, it must be something. I'll run by the 9th tomorrow at some point then.


	144. romance novels

"Who was that Nanao-chan?" Shunsui's voice drifted over from his side of the office as he sat down in his chair. I glared as he put his feet up on his desk and leaned back in his chair.

"I insist again that you refrain from calling me that. It's childish. And that was Hinamori Momo. She is a member of the 5th division that I met in the library the other day. She and I share several literature interests."

"Ohhhh, like what? Romance novels?" He peered at me with one eye from under his hat.

"My time is too valuable to waste with such pointless babbling that should never be put in the same category as 'literature.'" I hope I did not come across as defensive since I recently started exploring the genre. While I thought there is no method in which he could know that. "I was referring to kido spells, Sir. She was so immersed in her book that she nearly walked into me as I was walking by one of the isles. We've met a few times since and discussed some of the books we've read."

He moved his feet from the desk to the floor, where they ought to be, as he moved forward to rest his chin in his palms and leaned his elbows on the hard surface.

"Are you sure on the romance novels? I could see you reading those."

"Why would you think such an uncharacteristic thing of me?"

"It's not all that farfetched, kawaii Nanao-chan. You loved fairy tales when you were younger. I don't think you've outgrown your sense of adventure when you've become a lovely young woman. You might hide it well with your iron clad daily routine, but I think I know better."

"Oh really?" I raised an eyebrow when I glanced over before I turned back to the report at hand. I couldn't help but challenge his assertion.

He chuckled lightly. "See, Nanao-chan? It's moments like these that I know you're more than some administrative kido-casting machine."

"I'd prefer that opinion of me instead."

"Instead of what, Nanao-chan?" I jumped since he had glided to perch himself on the corner of my desk without making a single sound. I wonder if he practices, or if he has mapped out every creak in our floorboards. I wouldn't put it past him. I could see him making it into a game, trying to find every one. His voice was much lower than it should have been considering the location of this conversation and he leaned in a bit too close for me to be comfortable with the direction he was taking this in.

"Instead of whatever ridiculous, sake-induced image of me you have in your head. I'd rather you keep your opinion professional," I bit out sharply. I would not aquiesce to his ludicrous tactics. He grinned devilishly and dared to lean even closer to my face. I could feel his breath on my face. I both abhor and savor those moments.

"I rather like the images I have of you in my head. And who said my opinion of you was anything but professional?" His tone and eyes indicated it was far from being any sort of decorum. How dare he try and turn the tables on me! So I pushed his shoulder forcefully as I stood up. He made a gratifying thump as he lost his balance and fell onto the floor. I quickly exited the room without looking back calling out instructions for him.

"Kyouraku-taicho, I expect all of your paperwork to be done within the hour. Otherwise I will change whatever opinion you currently hold with one filled with fear at the mere thought of not completing paperwork promptly when asked."

I couldn't help but letting out a huge sigh and grinning as I walked to my quarters. His expression of surprise as he was falling was satisfying. Maybe Shunsui's right. I do enjoy a bit of adventure, which he provides on a nearly daily basis. I still don't like how much his proximity affects me or his inclination to pervade my personal space. I fear he might just notice something that I'm not ready for him to.

* * *

A/N: Sorry I've been MIA! I had two mid-terms then promptly got sick. I've just been so exhausted to do much of anything. And please don't worry about me finishing TBOIN. I still have plenty of fun things for Shunsui and Nanao ahead :-P


	145. say cheese

I dislike this recent fad that has developed in Seireitei. Rangiku came back from the real world with a strange contraption called a "camera." By activating the device, it can capture the moment visually after processing the strange photo reactive ribbon. The end products, pictures, seem rather similar to paintings, and it was only a matter of time until someone used the mechanism to produce art.

A while back we had elections over new positions since several of our officers had fallen in battle. While I was and still am thrilled at my new positions as Vice President of the Shinigami Women's Association, I am confounded at how the little pink-haired child from the 11th was voted as President over myself. Obviously Rangiku saw the disappointment I diligently tried to hide from others and took me out drinking that night. On any other occasion I would have declined her well-intentioned actions, but I admittedly felt miserable. I was a much better leader and spoke in coherent sentences and treated others with respect. The only currency she understands is candy and the finances she has been given for various projects have only been spent on new types of candy. I felt somewhat of a failure at that point and didn't mind getting drunk with Rangiku that night.

Somehow I managed to get home and somehow my loss was communicated to Shunsui since I found some lovely flowers by my bed along with a glass of water, for the obvious hangover I had, and some of the best sweet bean jelly to be had in Seireitei. He also kept his pink haori off for a few weeks following elections. He insisted he was getting it cleaned, but I know no such service order went through to the 4th. I wonder if he was doing it to keep from reminding me of Yachiru or if it was for self preservation for fear of triggering a violent reaction from me. I think the apologetic look and unusual compliance to my requests suggests the former.

But back on the issue of cameras. I was running one of the SWA meetings when Rangiku brought the item to one of the more recent SWA meetings. Yachiru loved the new device and the sample pictures that Rangiku brought along with it. The samples were rather interesting. The landscapes that she took were rather beautiful, along with some of the people she saw around in the town she bought the camera in. But she indicated that some of the pictures she took here in soul Society didn't turn out right. In a picture of a table with the chairs pulled out there were only blurry forms that appeared to sit in the chairs. Apparently the camera must be have strange reaction with spiritual forms compared to living ones. Yachiru attempted to assess the problem but incidentally broke the lens . Nemu-san from the 12th offered that while she probably couldn't repair it, she could bring it back to her father to see if he could replicate the technology. Kurosutchi-taicho had a knack for the sciences and technology so I wasn't surprised when he developed a spiritual version of the real world camera. He made quite a few of them after the SWA tested the prototype.

The 8th somehow managed to procure one of the cameras. And when I indicate the 8th, I mean Shunsui. He has been taking all sorts of pictures around the division. The grounds, group pictures of division members, attempts at getting a picture of me before I throw something at him, sunsets, gardens and more attempts to photograph me. He's actually starting an album of his favorite pictures entitled "Using my Arms as Pillows."

The album consists of photographs taken from a rather interesting perspective as the name indicates, from his typically reclined position. I only know since he refused to complete any paperwork I needed until I took a look. Thankfully, most of the pictures are not of clouds, as much as he loves to watch them on summer days. Most of them are rather thought provoking. Some are looking up into the trees where little children were playing. There was a cute one of Kaien and Miyako having a water fight. Miyako was obviously winning in the shot since Kaien was about to be soaked by a huge wave. It was fun watching them laugh. As I remember though, he proceeded to immediately dunk her underwater. That was a fun memory. One pictures was of Ukitake-taicho sitting upon his dock and peering across the water into the sunset. His hair was an interesting pinkish color which is probably why Shunsui likes that picture. There were also sorts of others that detailed our lives and how emotion filled it is, especially here at the 8th.

But the last page of pictures is my favorite, though I won't admit it to him. He was sleeping on the floor by my desk like usual and caught me staring off into space, with an embarrassing dream-like look upon my face. The next was me being alerted to his shenanigans, the next an angry scowl on my face. He had a bit of a sheepish look on his face behind the camera. I decided to stand up and throw something at him as well which was caught beautifully with the inkwell still in the air with camera angle halfway up from where he was resting. He said something along the lines of "Say 'cheese' Nanao-chan!" He took the last picture as he was backing out of the office and the door halfway closed behind him he catching me moving around my desk to pursue him into being more productive with his time. I think it was a fitting end to his album though. As much as we would always love to keep one perspective and remain relaxed, there are times were diligence and duty are required. And usually we need a motivating factor. In Taicho's case, that would be myself.

Maybe the cameras aren't so bad after all. Especially in the hands of someone as artistically inclined as Taicho.

* * *

A/N: sorry for the long wait again! My computer died last week and so I had to work around my time up on campus. Unfortunately with a couple weeks left in term, TBOIN isn't exactly the top of my list. I need my degree first. And I want to take this opportunity to reassure everyone again that TBOIN will get finished sooner or later.


	146. night cut short

When I first started going out with SWA on some evenings, I would get upset whenever I found Taicho nearly passed out on some table in the sake house. The girls understand when I politely excuse myself for the night, Ran more so than the others. She sometimes wears an expression indicating she knew that I honestly didn't mind spending more time with Taicho at all, even if he was drunk. She knew before I did that I actually didn't mind. Shunsui sometimes rouses a bit when I start shifting him to bring him home.

We've had some rather interesting conversation while I've assisted his trek home. Which can be rather long since he's nearly twice my weight and shunpo is definitely not a good idea while one is intoxicated. I'm surprised how intelligent Shunsui still is when he's had quite a bit. Honestly, I've had a number of intellectual conversations about recent literature, which I'm surprised that he reads at all. He's also quite the authority on dancing. He inadvertently divulged that he saw me reading about western dance styles years ago. He was intrigued by my selection. He was clear that he knew that I had a more experimental and wild side, he didn't know that I was self cognizant of the fact.

Tonight we conversed on an upcoming internal assessment that I am running next week. Shunsui posed his opinions of who will do well and was actually very thorough in his explanations for being in a state of inebriation.

When we arrived at his door he stood up on his own, swaying slightly, but not dangerously and addressed me in a gentle voice as I went to open the door for him.

"Nanao, you know you don't have to leave your friends to walk me home when I get myself like this. It's my own fault and I usually can manage."

"I know, but what if there is a time you can't manage? …Anyways, I don't mind too much…sir." My voice trailed off slightly as I said it. It probably wasn't something I should have admitted, but when Taicho gets into this sort of state, sharing is just more contagious.

I also hated thinking of a situation where he might have alcohol poisoning or some uncouth patron injured taicho in his stupor. Shunsui is one of the oldest captains in Seireitei and he deserves to go out in a more dignified matter, if at all. And it will not happen on my watch.

I realized I couldn't open the door and turned around to look at the arm connect to the large hand keeping the door shut.

"Really? You don't mind?" He put his right hand on the door to my left, caging me in. He lowered his head and voice and spoke into my left ear. "We'll that's lovely, since I enjoy our walks home together." I fought to keep shivers from running down my back. "Maybe I'll have to drink more often so I can spend more time with you."

"Sir, it is not possible for you to drink more and still live and you know where I am all day but choose not to spend a considerable amount of time there." I fought tooth and nail to get that out without just melting into him. Shunsui drew back enough to look into my eyes and smirked. His breath was not nearly as laced with the odor of sake as I would have anticipated. Maybe the drunkenness is all an act. An act to have others underestimate him or to have an excuse for lower inhibitions. It is actually quite clever if it is, but unfortunately it's not something I could pull off. I am too strict for such behavior.

"Harsh Nanao-chan trying to guilt me into spending more time in the office… Might not be that bad, Nanao-chan is there after all…Wouldn't do if I were still drunk though…" He turned his head and lightly pressed his lips to my cheek.

"Thanks lovely Nanao-chan. I'll see you tomorrow." He slid the door open behind me and disappeared into his quarters. I was still standing there when the door quietly snapped shut.

I hope the darkness covered the giant blush on my cheeks. I hope he was too drunk to notice, or even better, to remember. I hope he won't bring up how my breath quickened tomorrow or how I didn't even reach for my fan.

But I cannot deny that my knees just wanted to buckle there and then, or how my stomach fluttered and burned at the sensation. It took every ounce of control not to turn my lips to his. It helped that there was the shock factor, but still.

I shunpoed as fast as I could home once I regained coherency. I attempted to rationalize it when I returned. He was drunk and didn't mean it, he flirts with all the girls so it meant nothing. He's tried to kiss me a thousand times before; I merely failed to deflect him this time. Nothing will change in the office tomorrow. At least that is my hope, but that's not what the feeling in my stomach is telling me.

* * *

A/N: finals over in less than 11 hours!


	147. the look of tension

I've been tense in the office all this week. Taicho hasn't mentioned the small slip in my guard explicitly, but I am certain he wasn't blacked out when he kissed me. I can't walk across the office without feeling him stare at me. He's been relentless with his flirting. Enough so where I might need to purchase a new fan so I don't cause damage to the one Rangiku gave me nearly half a century ago since this has been infinitely more infuriating and challenging. I've tried so hard to keep up this wall of separation between my career and my relationships. I thought it would take an earth-shattering event to break the defenses I've created. But I find that it only took a simple druken kiss to weaken the wall. I need to remind myself how Shunsui's poor at doing work around the office and how he drinks nearly all the time to keep me from shivering when he looks at me. He does fairly well in not letting me catch him in his diligent observation. I've had too much experience to need to see him to know that he is watching. Yet when he means for me to see him looking, his eyes are intent and dark… just like the time at his door…

Maybe I'll start carrying around a large book. One of the more advanced kido books should be good. Just anything that has enough mass to inflict enough damage to deter his advances even in the slightest bit.

* * *

A/N: I know it's short, but I did a second update in the same week! hooray!


	148. blushing springs

It was a really tough week in the office. Nearly everything has broken or needs replacing. I still don't understand how each of the barrack houses have passed building inspections since each of the leaked during the heavy rains this week. I had to replace twice as many uniforms in the past week than I had budgeted for this entire year. Shunsui had to be extraordinarily obnoxious. He either had a meeting to go to, and thus no time to assist me in the office, or he spend the time he did have flirting relentlessly making my time less productive trying to fend him off.

To reward myself for getting through this ridiculous week, I decided to relax at the hot springs. Typically I don't visit the springs since I'm fairly conservative and even though they are separated by gender, they still make me feel uncomfortable. I assume part of the reason is that I've heard more than one man coming by and peeking on the girls. Not that it isn't too difficult. In a city where running on roofs is considered normal, it's hard to keep particular areas traffic free. Maybe that should be an item that the SWA considers in the near future.

Even with my concerns, it felt so nice to let my hair down and just soak. It was pleasant enough where I didn't actually care if anyone saw me enjoying the hot springs. That was until I felt a familiar reiatsus and voices approach.

"Kyouraku-san! Whatcha doing here so late? I hope you're not spying on the girls inside…" Rangiku's voice carried across in the night. I imagined she would have winked at the end of her mock accusation. I wonder if she knew I was here.

"Ahhh no, Rangiku-san, I was just looking for my kawaii Nanao-chan… I wanted to discuss something with her…"

Taicho never wants to discuss something, especially with the serious tone he was using, never mind looking for me in the middle of the night to speak with me. Honestly, with everything else that had gone on this week, I was expecting the worst case scenario, which in my mind would need immediate attention. I quickly got up and rushed to grab a towel and wrapped myself in it and quickly made my way to the front of the bath house. I wished they weren't so close to the door since I nearly ran into them.

"Hai, Taicho? You needed something?" I inquired. Rangiku was a bit startled at my sudden appearance but quickly looked to Taicho for his response. It was rather strange since he usually doesn't hesitate when he has something he'd like to say.

"I...I'm sorry that I interrupted you while you were… relaxing…" He was avoiding eye contact now.

"Well I'm not going to eavesdrop on 8th division matters! Anyways, I have a patrol in the districts tomorrow morning, so I should turn in for once. See you Nanao, Kyouraku-san!" Rangiku must have been grinning for some other reason. She's never excited for early morning patrols. Nor does she willingly pass up an opportunity for good gossip. I nodded to her as she departed then I looked back to Shunsui.

"I'm sorry for distracting you so much this week… especially since it seemed the whole division fell apart this week… I certainly didn't make it easier, but still you've done a spectacular job as always." He was keeping his head turned away slightly, which was peculiar. I squinted to see better, since I had left my glasses in the bath house. I caught Taicho giving me a sideways glance and also rather strangely, his cheeks were pinkish as well.

I belatedly realized that along with my glasses, I had left the rest of my attire in the bath house. I was soaked, with my wet hair hanging down my back, glassesless and dressed in only a towel. At first I thought that he didn't want to look at me since I am somewhat lacking in the feminine gifts department. I have to admit that he demonstrated huge restraint in the presence of nearly naked woman in front of him. I suppose if he was in the situation with another woman, he wouldn't seem so embarrassed, but be much more forward. Maybe I should take that as his unique form of respect where he doesn't want to gawk when I would certainly not appreciate it. I mean, he disturbed me and he knows I am not one for diplomacy when I am tense and haven't had a chance to clear my head. I considered initially that he may not be attracted, but then that wouldn't explain the unusual tint on his cheeks that match his haori.

Shunsui rarely blushes. It takes several sake bottles to get him to blush at all.

Then I remembered how he disturbed me while I was in the hot spring after one of my most stressful weeks ever. Even when I deserved some time to myself, he demands attention. So I reprimanded Taicho in my own way.

"Is that all you wished to discuss, sir? Is that what you came all the way over here to tell me and disturb me in the few moments I've had to relax all week?" I spoke calmly and firmly. I glared as best as I could without my glasses and hoped for the best.

For what I could see, when Shunsui turned to look at me, it was in surprise. I continued nonetheless in my conveyance of my severe annoyance, despite how I took some twisted pride from getting Kyouraku Shunsui, Captain of the 8th division and infamous ladies' man, to blush in embarrassment. It almost made the hell I went through worth it. Almost.

His face quickly melted into its typical playful smirk.

"But I wanted to apologize to my _very_ lovely Nanao-chan! I wanted to tell her just how wonderful she is at running the division. And I was hoping we could kiss and make up… " I sensed relief in his voice. My sternness must have put him in more familiar territory, one where he could focus on bantering with his second as opposed to encountering a woman coming out of the bath house only dressed in a towel.

As he leaned in to obtain a kiss for apologizing, I nearly panicked since I didn't have my fan or my book. And I had no guarantees I could keep myself under control if he came any closer. So I pushed his chest with my left, allowing my right to secure my towel.

"Let me enjoy the rest of my evening, Kyouraku-taicho." My voice was softer than I would have liked it.

"Why can't you enjoy it with me?" He gave me that look again, the one that melts my insides. Yet I maintained my frozen exterior.

"The only way I would enjoy an evening like that would be me watching you finish all of the division paperwork. And since I will not let you bring the paperwork to the bath house, you will not be spending the evening with me. Good night Kyouraku-taicho."

"So cold, Nanao-chan!" I turned quickly and reentered the bath house and sat in the spring for another hour. I was finally unwinding when he came. Then I couldn't even get my mind off of our encounter. I hated how he could do that to me. I guiltily enjoyed how flustered I made him. But so what if he found me attractive? He finds all of the women attractive. I wouldn't be anything special to him. What in this world would make me stand out among all of the other women he's seen and interacted with? After that hour, finding myself fully unable to relax again, I went home. When I returned home and assured myself he was nowhere nearby, I screamed in frustration.

I swear, that man has driven me crazy!


	149. sick day

I hate being sick. First off, it prevents me from attending to my duties as a vice captain of the Gotei 13. Second, I feel miserable. Third, and most of all, ever since Taicho noticed, he can't stop fussing over me. I really do not enjoy company or attention while I am sick but it does not seem as though Taicho really cares about that, even after I made that clear to him during the first week of my illness.

Last week, I came into the office with merely some sniffles. I will never accuse Taicho for being inobservant since he was able to tell that I wasn't feeling as well as usual. He suggested that I take some time off to rest, but I quickly informed him that my duties required that I remain in the office. Mostly since that he prefers not to assist in the division paperwork. He laughed and reminded me to not push myself too hard and take care of myself.

The next day, he stopped by after hours and noticed the unusual tissue box on my desk. He inquired as to my intentions and I stated as I had before that there were things to be done and that I was the one to do them. He gently reprimanded me for staying so late and asked me to take tomorrow off. I told him I'd stay only for a few more minutes and then I would go home. He gave me a suspicious look, which was deserved, since I did not return home for a few more hours. I had started feeling sluggish and couldn't perform at my typical rate.

I arrived at the office the next day as usual. Shunsui came in earlier than usual, presumably to check that I wasn't in today. He opened the door with an exasperated and slightly worried look upon his face.

"Nanao-chan, you should be home resting. You're not well and I hate seeing you overwork yourself."

"Taicho, it's nothing serious, I'll be fine." I looked back down as he leaned his shoulder against the door frame.

"You've never been a good liar. Here, I'll make a deal with you: Either you willingly go back to your quarters to rest and get better, or I take you there myself." I snapped my head back up to look at him in my surprise, which turned to be a poor decision. Sudden movements induce too much dizziness. He rarely uses such threatening tactics in order to get his way.

"And I'm sure it'd look rather embarrassing if I strolled through the 8th carrying you, most likely putting up a fight, despite how tired as you seem." He walked up to my desk smirking. "I bet the division would have all sorts of things to say about such a sight." I steeled my glare, even though it took more of my energy.

"You wouldn't dare…" I knew Taicho to be many things, but this? This was a little outlandish for him.

"Nanao-chan really hasn't seen me play dirty before. I can do some pretty low things. Carrying a lovely little fukutaicho back home really wouldn't be a difficult thing, especially if it's in her best interest." We stared for a few moments, me with a calculating and indignant glare, him with laughter and victory in his eyes. He knew that he had won this round even before I responded.

"Fine, Taicho." I quickly cleared up my desk and put my brushes away. It was draining, but I maintained my dignity and gave him one more glare as he simply smiled as I made my way out of the office and towards my quarters. Taicho was right that I did need rest since it took hardly more than a few minutes from when I got home to fall asleep.

When I woke up again, I smelt miso soup and rice cooking in the kitchen. I didn't feel much better despite the time I had been sleeping. I sat up and blew my nose, which alerted the intruding chef that I was awake.

"Morning Nanao-chan! I made you breakfast since you probably were feeling up to cooking. You didn't answer so I figured you were still sleeping and you'd be hungry when you'd wake up."

I groaned at his enthusiasm and he chuckled. Which he soon followed by bringing over the said food he made.

"I always assumed you wouldn't eat breakfast, never mind know how to cook breakfast with how late you come to the office everyday." I managed to mumble. His smile widened as he placed the tray next to me as he sat next to me on my futon.

"I've been around awhile kawaii Nanao-chan, I've had plenty of time to learn lots of things. Plus I've found that a good breakfast is always appreciated. It always seems to make Ukitake feel a bit better. And the ladies typically enjoy it as well." He smirked at the last part and I threw a pillow at his face.

"You talk too much in the morning. And loudly."

"Here, I'm serious, something in your stomach will make you feel better." Honestly I was starving and exhausted despite how long I slept for, so I was grateful when he handed the warm soup over.

Then he started talking about some of the latest gossip. I didn't care really, but it was nice to hear his voice. It was soothing. Apparently Rangiku met this strange boy in Rukongai. Taicho related how he was just like ice, in his demeanor and how he chilled his grandmother in his sleep. Rangiku was rather intrigued by the boy and told him to go to the shinigami academy. Also sounds like Ichimaru-fukutaicho of the 5th might be promoted soon. All in all, Sereitei had its happenings, but honestly, I didn't care too much when I am this sick.

After I finished breakfast, Shunsui stretched his arms over his head and yawned.

"Ahh I should get going and let you rest. Maybe I'll even do some paperwork."

"If that's what it takes to get you to do some paperwork, then I might just get sick more often."

"Don't go doing that, silly Nanao-chan. Get better soon." He made to kiss my forehead and I smacked his head with a pillow, since it was the only thing nearby. "Aww even when you're tired and sick, but still adorable, you're still so cold… Nanao-chan." With that, he left. Just as he was closing my door, he offered a big smirk over his shoulder. Shunsui really does drive me crazy, but admittedly he takes care of me, as I do for him. And if he does some paperwork, maybe being sick has its benefits.


	150. firefight

I need to keep others from giving Shunsui gifts on a whim, since he turns them into something completely out of proportion with some game, which I unwittingly become a participant of.

Winter set in for the season last week and Shunsui realized it only too well. I only know this since he whined with the eloquence of a petulant child that his hands were suffering from the cold. He believed the best solution would be to warm them in my hands.

"Nanao-chan, your hands look warm, why don't you share some of that warmth with mine?" Admittedly, that was one of the cuter and less suggestive methods of flirting he used than usual. Mostly, he uses drama and flair to get attention, so this was an interesting change for once. But not to let myself be distracted by such things, I snapped back.

"Why don't you get gloves, sir, since the likelihood of me holding your hands is zero."

"Oh, why not, Nanao? His hands look so strong and nice to hold!" Rangiku had walked during my retort and per her usual style, made a comment in ridiculousness that rivals Taicho's.

"Since it is highly inappropriate and unprofessional. Now please leave so I can do work and you can complain about the cold to someone who is more apt to listen."

"Awww, Nanao. You're no fun sometimes."

"Mmm, we should probably my cold-hearted Nanao-chan to her work. You never know when she'll warm you up with a round of kido."

"Oh right, maybe we should get going, Kyouraku-san. See you later, Nanao! We'll get you to come out and enjoy yourself more eventually!"

I sighed in relief after they left, knowing I had the remainder of the afternoon to myself and my work. I thought nothing of leaving them to their devices until there was a snow storm last night. I was trudging through dense snow that had accumulated to a height halfway up my shin so I wasn't entirely focusing on my surroundings, which I would kick myself later for.

I had rounded a corner a few moments earlier and there was a cold and wet impact on the back of my neck. I felt it to assess the damage and whipped around to locate the source. I caught the slightest glimpse of pink silk vanishing past the corner I had just turned. Anger burned in my mind. I was already dealing with the cold, but now my neck was wet. I took a moment debate ignoring the occurrence and finishing my trip to my office, or if I should pursue. Quickly the stack of papers flashed in my head and decided it was not worth the distraction.

I was crossing one the 8th's larger gardens when another snowball impacted my back, but right in between my shoulders. I had to wipe the thought that Taicho had rather good aim and focus at the problem. I decided to take a direct approach.

"Taicho, you're being rather cowardly hiding from your adversary." I called out into the garden.

"But lovely, Nanao-chan, it's so much fun when you can't see me!" Him and his stupid games. "Maybe you just want to show myself since you can't get back at me otherwise." He is good at his games though. That comment really pushed one of my buttons.

"Excuse me?" I tried to keep the indignant tone out of my voice, to which I failed according to Shunsui's response.

"You heard me, Nanao-chan." His voice sounded somewhat smug, knowing that he hit a nerve. "You can't get back at me since you can't find me. You're trying to trick me into giving away my location." The snow muffled the origin of his voice fairly well and he made a point to keep moving while talking. He also kept his reiatsu hidden to a point I could barely sense it.

"You're saying that I, of all people, cannot find you? Honestly, you're underestimating your fukutaicho."

"Then prove me wrong, kawaii Nanao-chan!" I shunpoed immediately, not giving him a response that could prepare him of my approach.

I took cover and listened for any footsteps. Catching movement on my left, I armed myself with a snowball and changed location. I aimed where the noise had been and threw. I was rewarded by a thud and a grunt. A moment later Taicho called out.

"Nice shot lovely Nanao-chan, but it'll take more than to take your Taicho down. Rangiku-san bought me a lovely pair of gloves for me to wear so my hands aren't cold. They also prove to be rather useful in making snowballs as well." Rangiku is going to suffer my wrath at a later point, but at that moment, I needed to win this little challenge. We exchanged quite a few more hits and misses between hiding and escaping. I won't tell anyone this, but it was the most fun I've had in a long time.

It came to an abrupt halt when Shunsui was able to sneak up on my hiding spot behind a large tree trunk. Before I could register his presence, he caught my right wrist with his left green gloved hand, forcing me to drop the snowball I had prepared.

preventing me from hitting him with the snowball I had prepared.

"You should cover your back better, lovely Nanao-chan." He used my captured wrist to maneuver me to face him, but he missed I had a snowball in my left as well. I quickly planted it on the portion of his stomach he exposed. I couldn't help but smirk at the surprised expression on his face.

"Look what that got you." I glared up at him.

"I'll have to keep a better eye on you then." His voice dropped slightly and I realized our proximity. I never removed my hand from his stomach and he had moved his left and consequently my right closer to him without me noticing. I reassessed his expression to realize it matched his voice. Dark, sultry… and intimate. He moved his right towards my waist, in which I am assuming was an action to decrease our distance.

"Why are Nanao's cheeks so flushed?" It was a dark whisper whose breath brushed upon my cheeks. His hand rested lightly on my hip and his left placed my right on his shoulder.

"It's cold outside." I had to keep from shivering from the cold and the purposeful dropping of the playful suffix to my name. Not to mention how close our faces were and the way he was watching my eyes and my lips.

"Maybe I can help…" He paused before he made contact with my lips with his own. Most likely to give me a chance to deny him, as usual. I'm surprised he has still been trying after all these years of rejection.

He was also very right. His lips were warm and soft as they slipped and pressed against mine. During my moment of shock, Shunsui moved his hand down my arm and along my side. He watched my eyes from beneath his eyelashes, as if gauging my reaction. The motion woke me from my shock enough to move my hand away from the cold remains of the snowball and onto warmer skin. My eyelids slip closed with the feeling of contentment of this newfound warmth, both by the contact and the internal reaction to this encounter. With the way he was touching me, I really didn't feel the cold outdoors we were standing in.

He was so leisurely in his play upon my lips. Nothing demanding or forceful, which is so like him. He might have sensed my initial shock and some hesitance in the contact, but at the moment, the whole thinking thing was rather hard to accomplish. It simply felt natural to be standing in a small grove of trees kissing him where the arguments of impropriety and duty seemed rather inconsequential at the moment. It was as if this was the way things were supposed to be anyways.

After a minute or so, we slowly parted and just looked in the other's eyes. I realized then how much I find myself at home with him. I don't have family, at least, that I know of and even if I did, Shunsui has been more family then they have if they do exist. After another moment, he broke the silence.

"Nanao, why are your cheeks still pink?" His face melted into a smirk. I glared back.

"It's cold outside, _Sir_." I enjoyed the pout that followed. I really needed to get work done and I was starting to find that his ability to make me feel this way made me very uncomfortable. I wanted to move to more familiar territory.

"Just when I thought cold Nanao-chan was going to thaw out a bit, she ices over again."

"We'll if I'm going to do any thawing out, it'll be indoors, in the office." I removed myself from his loose embrace.

"Well if you prefer there, Nanao-chan…" he made to follow me as I started to the office.

"Doing work, Taicho!" I quickly scooped up some snow and hit him in the face with it.

"So cold Nanao-chan…" I couldn't help but notice how his voice indicated a bright smile despite the saddened words.

When I finally arrived to the office, I found it difficult to accomplish anything since my mind would return to the morning's event. Of all the reasons I have detailed in my mind why I should not engage in any extraneous activities with Kyouraku-Taicho, this, I realize is the truly the reason I fear. The way in which he can so easily manipulate me into playing some silly game, ending in a slow sensual, but entirely natural feeling kiss, then leaving me to my addled thoughts, unable to focus. Maybe I've known this unconsciously, which would explain why I have always tried to push him away since he is rather irresistible. It takes so much energy to keep those emotions at bay, but I don't have nearly enough to keep this lighthearted feeling from my chest. Especially when I return from lunch to find a pair of violet gloves on my desk accompanied by a note:

'Thought you might need these for a rematch, not that I minded the outcome at all. –Shunsui'

I'm glad there were no witnesses to the stupid smile that crept up on my face or for the steeling of my features and emotions for the sake of my ability to function. I cannot let myself fall in love with my taicho, if only to prevent the overwhelming and incapacitating emotions that accompany it.

What a horrible thing to realize, especially after my first kiss.

* * *

A/N: So as an apology for falling off the face of the internet for nearly 2 months, I gave you Nanao's first kiss! Sorry if it's a bit of a struggle. Honestly, if you don't type for a long time, you tend to suck at it when you start pounding at the keyboard again. I also figured it was time that Nanao and Shunsui finally got some action. And I do want to finish the story since I do have most of it planned out, just to add the reassurance there. Senior year is consuming, but I only have a week left of school before I have a month off - woohoo! Hopefully this can tide you over until then, or until I want to procrastinate more (which I shouldn't) :-P


	151. january thaw

I'm uncertain on how to behave in our office any longer. I cannot prevent the warm sensation that grows in my lower torso whenever he gives me a smile or makes eye contact. I cannot keep myself from drifting to that moment in the snow-covered garden, where our encounter seemed so comfortable, as if it was nothing out of the ordinary, yet felt so extraordinary simultaneously. I can't even think and write about the whole situation without getting distracted on every sensation. Dammit! I can't even get through a normal day's work anymore since I have lost most semblance of focus. I've actually snuck back into the office several times after Taicho has nearly forced me out since I had already stayed late.

Taicho really hasn't behaved too differently since then. He does watch me longer and a bit more closely than usual. He's probably not used to me avoiding eye contact with him. But what he doesn't understand is how lost I get just looking into them! I can't stand it! I hate how I can build up protective barriers and prevention methods from keeping him from touching me to begin with and he just waltzes right in and sweeps them away in his foolish and silly antics. I've always been oversensitive to anything Taicho does. Now I have to build up those walls again, with more fervor and resolve than ever before. I will stare him in the face and not betray my emotions. I will block him at every attempt at physical contact. I will not lose control over myself. At least, never in his presence. I mean, what good am I as a fukutaicho if I melt in his presence? How can he trust me to accomplish anything? How will I maintain his respect if I am just another woman that he can tease and have wound about his little finger?

I am stronger than that. I am Ise Nanao, Fukutaicho of the 8th division and I will let no man, even my Taicho, keep me from being such. I am resolved.

Though, I wish I could apologize to him. Taicho deserves nothing but kindness since he has never shown me ill will. But this is something I need to do, as cruel and cold as it is to him. If I am to be useful and effective, I must be focused, as hard as it may be for me.

* * *

A/N: Happy New Year!! Wow, 2010! Time sure flies! So I have to rewrite all of my stuff since I lost it all in a computer crash a few weeks ago, but I'm thinking its more of giving a fresh look into TBOIN. We're getting closer to real time in the story, but I'm not exactly sure where that is since I lost that too. Anyways, I'll make something work out. Oh and one of my endeavors (I dislike the term resolution) for the year is to write more chapters and hopefully finish up TBOIN. Or at least get to a point where I can make a sequel? We'll see :-P


	152. deep freeze

Taicho and I have maintained quite the status quo in our somewhat odd relationship. He has increased his flirtatious efforts, while I pride myself in my unwavering resolve. And by unwavering, I mean at least, in his mind. I have never quieted that passion that Shunsui, I mean, Taicho, had inadvertently ignited on that morning of foolishness on my way to the office. I simply keep it forcefully locked away.

I've been too busy with SWA and recent developments in Soul Society to really be writing in a journal. There have been quite the number of advancements in rank recently and it's rather difficult getting paperwork for other divisions squared away when people keep moving around. And if you throw Mayuri-Taicho's escaped experiments into the mix, it certainly makes for little time for writing and reflecting emotions and events.

I only took time today to write since I've started having this uneasy feeling lately. I'm not sure if it's the constant changing of Gotei 13 officers recently that has me seeking normalcy, or something else. Saimitsu has been rather quiet recently, almost to a point where it's depressing. Maybe I'll drop by Ukitake-Taicho's soon. I've always considered him to be a good friend who is willing to listen and provide sound judgment, not that Taicho can't. I would rather avoid discussing something like this with Taicho right now. Rangiku would love to sit and chat, but she has been rather consumed between training, spending time with Gin, and being her social self. She also isn't one for more serious subjects either. She can hold her own in any sort of discussion, but she prefers levity over solemnity in conversation and I do not blame her.

Besides, Ukitake-Taicho makes better tea than Kyouraku-Taicho or Rangiku.


	153. change of ages

My conversation with Ukitake-Taicho proved to be rather interesting. Actually beyond interesting. I learned things about Shunsui that I probably should have been better of not knowing. I believe "Ignorance is bliss" would be the appropriate cliché for the situation.

I went over late in the afternoon. I wanted to finish the day's paperwork before consulting Ukitake-Taicho. When I arrived at his office, he greeted me warmly:

"Nanao-san! What brings you to the 13th today? Kyouraku not bothering you more than usual today?"

"No, no, Ukitake-Taicho. I just wished to sit and speak with you so long as you have some time to spare. It's been some time since I last visited you." Which is entirely true, I haven't come by to see him recently. We've grown to be friends over the years. I didn't quite want to reveal some of the underlying reasons for my visit since they are delicate and most of which regard his best friend.

"Anytime, Nanao-san! I'm never too busy to have a chat with you. So, what's on your mind today?" I've always appreciated Ukitake-Taicho's kindness. He never estranges anyone seeking to speak with him. Always calm and welcoming. "Oh, would you like some tea before I get carried away and forget?"

"Oh, yes please." Ukitake got up and made to make tea on the table on the other side of the office "And there are a number of things on my mind…" I let out a heavy sigh. "To start, there've been a number of rank changes and promotions recently. I may not have been as aware of them while I was younger, but it's something that has unsettled me recently."

"It shouldn't be something you should worry over too much, things like this come in cycles. Kyouraku and I have seen this a number of times. Unfortunately the last time it happened… we lost a number of our higher ranked officers." Ukitake-Taicho shared a look with me indicating that he was sorry for bringing up Lisa's departure and was not meant in a malicious manner. "But many times before, nothing of significance has happened."

"Well that's somewhat comforting…" The room drifted into a short silence as sat and thought for a moment and he brought over two cups of tea along with a pot.

"Thank you, Ukitake-Taicho." He smiled and gave me a half amused, half concerned look. I've always found his ability to express so much in his facial expressions to be fascinating.

"I'm somewhat surprised that you came to talk with me rather than Kyouraku or Matsumoto-san. What else is on your mind?" He and my Taicho are perceptive to a point where it's frustrating.

I've made it a point to be a very private person with minimal secrets, besides a few, of course. But Taicho's behavior after our "encounter" has unsettled me as well. I've made it particularly clear that I do not wish to have any non-professional contact with him, but he has completely ignored my wishes and pursued me nearly relentlessly. Granted, he still flirts with other women, but when they make it clear they wish nothing from him, he moves on. I had a feeling that I may need to disclose part of this to Ukitake-Taicho in order to adequately explain my hesitations. Good thing that Ukitake-Taicho is discreet.

"I just… don't feel as comfortable discussing my feelings with Kyouraku-Taicho as I used to. And Rangiku has a penchant for gossip." I looked up from my tea to Ukitake-Taicho to emphasize my need for discretion on the topic.

He chuckled lightly, "Yes, I've heard a number of rumors floating around the office citing her as a source. I understand your reluctance to speak with her. But my guess is that this involves Kyouraku, right?"

I sighed again. "Hai… I suppose it's obvious." I took a sip to help gather my thoughts. "Would you consider Kyouraku-Taicho to be persistent?"

"When he wants to be, yes. Sometimes to a point of extreme irritation." He looked up in memory. "Like that time he tried to set me up with one of our classmates. He was so certain that we'd be perfect together and pestered me to ask her out. The only thing that ended his mission was her unfortunate death on a real world mission."

"What about in the face of cold rejection?"

He chuckled again. "Well, he usually doesn't face rejection much anymore. But when we were younger, it was something consistent. He would just set his resolve and carry on. Though he knew where to draw the line as time went on. Kyouraku's learned when he's fighting a losing battle."

"Then why is he still bothering me?! I've made it quite clear that I do not wish to have anything beyond a platonic relationship with him." Ukitake-Taicho's face grew into a large smile.

"I think you may know the answer to that. Something changed in your relationship that Kyouraku may not be able to ignore. He talks about you differently. To be honest with you, it's been a long time since I've seen him act this way..." He truly laughed this time. "Actually, it was about a woman who reminds me of you. And she and I had a conversation just like this too. How intriguing… Now that I think about it, she had eyes just like yours." He paused, as if considering if he had said just too much, so he changed the subject.

"But that's beside the point. Kyouraku doesn't feel like he has lost all hope of winning this 'battle,' but if you make it clear that he has no hope, I'm sure he'll back off."

"Any suggestions on how I go about accomplishing such a feat? I've been running out of ideas." I paused. "And it's just so strange. He watched me grow up… Isn't this whole thing a bit unorthodox?"

"Age is a strange thing in Soul Society. After awhile, it doesn't seem to matter much since we age slowly and we are here for extended periods of time. Humans experience a somewhat set time frame and general order of things. Whereas older souls here have seen hundreds of friends, lovers and comrades come and go. There isn't a set sequence of events here. The best I can come up with is that you should go with what feels right." He smiled gently.

"I suppose you're right, or at least it's worked for Taicho over the years. Thank you, Ukitake-Taicho, for lending an ear and a cup of tea. Your tea is still the best in my book." I have him a smile in appreciation and set my cup down. He smiled back.

"Come by more often, Nanao-san. I always enjoy your company. Good luck" I rose, bowed and left. I certainly have plenty to think about. Like that woman from ages ago. I wonder who she was. I apparently am remarkably like her, I wonder if Kyouraku-Taicho thinks I could be her replacement. What if he "lost the battle" that time, but thinks this may be a second chance? What if he's just acting on his memory of her? I am not who he thinks I am, then. I guess I just need to make it clear that I am not any other woman, especially not one from his past that he can try and win over again. I am no replacement.


	154. cold snap

I snapped at him today. I probably shouldn't have discussed any of this with Ukitake-Taicho. I can't help but question Taicho's actions and motives ever since I left the 13th a few months ago.

"Kyouraku-Taicho! I am not just any other woman that you can just flirt and have your way with! I am sick of your nonchalant behavior! I find it irresponsible to manipulate and disregard the feelings of your fukutaicho." My chest heaved from yelling. Taicho had cornered me by the bookshelf by leaning over my smaller frame with his large one. He caught my wrist when I reached for one of the books to smack him, which was when I lost it. I didn't want to put up with this any longer.

"But Nanao-chan, you aren't just any woman…" He sounded serious but I had enough. I didn't want to play his games anymore. I wanted to draw the line.

"I bet you tell that to every woman you meet." I countered viciously.

"No, Nanao-chan – " I cut him off. I was beyond furious.

"No, actually, you're right. I'm the only woman who has put up any resistance to your antics and doesn't melt at your feet. I am the prize. If you could get Ise Nanao, you could get anyone. Or you could be wrong and I'm just a replacement for someone you already lost. I look and act awfully similarly to Lisa-fukutaicho, maybe I'm her replacement in your eyes. I just wear more than she does." I gave him the most vehement and disgusted look I've ever given him.

"Nanao." His voice shook the room. I couldn't help my eyes from widening. "Don't make accusations you cannot support. They are unbecoming of you." Shunsui rarely gets angry, let alone raises his voice. His eyes were dark. I felt cold just looking into them. Sadness crept into them as some of the anger melted away when he spoke again. "You have no idea how hard it is to move on when the one you love died because of you. I thought I had, but you have no idea how hard it is to look at you and be reminded of that every day!"

"….what?" Confusion replaced my anger. I had no idea what he was referring to. He blinked, sighed and released my wrist. He took a step back and looked out the window.

"Sorry, Nanao-chan. I shouldn't get angry at you, you haven't done anything. It just…" He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "It's just that, I fell in love with Ayame ages ago and I couldn't save her. I failed her... and you remind me of her very much…" He took a deep breath and lowered his head. After a long pause, I finally managed to whisper:

"I'm sorry Taicho, I shouldn't have said such things. Please forgive me." I dared to look up into his face. He opened his eyes and they were soft.

"No worries, my lovely Nanao-chan. I know you are Nanao and no one else. I enjoy your company more than those memories bother me. I'll let you get back to work." Shunsui quickly swept from our office before I managed to respond.

I felt as though I was punched in the stomach. I never thought that I caused him any pain. Granted, I had no way of knowing that I was an image from his past haunting him in the present. I still ache knowing that I was an inadvertent source of his sadness. I wish I could wipe it away… I never wanted him to be sad, ever since I was little.

I feel so confused now, I used to be able to blame him on treating me just like any other woman, then a replacement for someone else, then he goes about saying he knows just who I am.

That name echoes in my head, as if I know it from somewhere. Maybe I met her at a soup shop somewhere. Maybe I'll stop by for some ramen tomorrow.

* * *

A/N: mmm I'm going with a cold wintry frost thing. Doesn't help that it seems like it's been snowing forever here. Please review, I'm not sure if I'm a bit rusty from my holiday hiatus.


	155. radio silence

Kyouraku-Taicho has been keeping his distance from the office recently. At least, more so than usual. I think he's been spending most of his time by the roof or in some sakura grove since they started blooming again. The other division members don't realize the change in his behavior since he usually spends his time there anyways.

I do not blame him for being upset since I must have brought up all sorts of memories that he had wished to forget. I'm still surprised at how much the whole thing riled him up. Even when he's frustrated or saddened, he doesn't let his behavior change dramatically. Shunsui always just seems to flow with events.

I should probably go see him soon and apologize, but paperwork has been more demanding than usual. There's something peculiar about all of the mission reports that have been coming through. There have been a number that have reported unusual behavior in hollows. Maybe I'll ask Taicho when I go and apologize to him.

On the mysterious woman from Shunsui's past… Ayame… I haven't found anyone with that name. But it feels as though I should know who that is. When I hear or think of that name, it reminds me of fond memories, like the time I started a snowball fight at the 13th, when Lisa used to read to me, or when Shunsui took me on walks when I was younger. They're warm and calming feelings that I long for again, as I long to know the origin of this name.

* * *

A/N: I apologize in advance if the order of events don't quite flow right. I had forgotten some chapters before I set this in motion. But life can't always flow smoothly now, can it?


	156. revelations of the soul

I was feeling guilty for not actually apologizing to Taicho for our dispute a few months ago. It was the first of July, I had just handed in mid-year reports, so I had some free time on my hands. I couldn't stand the change of our chaotic routine we had established over the years and my apology was well overdue. Plus it was a beautiful day outside and it would have been a waste to stay in the office. Now I'm sounding like him. I made my way out to find him after lunch and sending the paperwork over to the 1st.

"Taicho…" I asked quietly.

"Ahh, Hi Nanao-chan, what brings you out here?" Shunsui's question was rather legitimate. I found him under the lone Sakura tree that grew atop the softly rounded hill far away from 8th's headquarters. It was the same place where Shunsui and I got caught in a thunderstorm decades ago. The same place that reminds me of my inner world. It was strange seeing him lying there in the shade like Saimitsu does…

"I wanted to apologize for upsetting you. I was out of line and should not have said the things I had." Shunsui sat up and tipped his hat back so I could see his eyes.

"It's alright, Nanao-chan. Why don't you sit with me awhile and enjoy the weather? I'm sure you were itching to get out of the office on such a nice day." I may have hinted at a smile while I sat down on his right. He really does know me too well. He gave a heavy sigh and looked up into the boughs of the tree.

"You had no way of knowing about Ayame and your resemblance of her." He smiled, but still couldn't hide the hint of sadness that lingered in his eyes. "It was ages ago anyways, not more than a hundred years out from the Academy. I actually met her here… and on this day, too. She was reading some large tome of a book," He grinned over at me, "Probably something you'd read" He looked back up into the tree. "I pestered her every afternoon that week here. Except on the 7th, when she wasn't there. Turns out she was getting ready for Tanabata and found me at the festival later. We came here to watch the fireworks. If I had to put a date to it, that's when we fell in love."

Shunsui's face seemed a tad strained at the memory while he paused. But the pestering sounded just like him. I waited to see if he wanted to continue. I definitely wasn't going to force him into dredging into a painful part of his past. But I wasn't going to tell him to stop if this was something he needed.

"You know how crazy Kaien-kun and Miyako-chan are about each other?" I nodded. "That's how we were. If there ever were such a thing as soul mates, we were it, as cliché as it sounds." I gave a half smile in understanding both at Kaien-san and Miyako-san and at Shunsui's admittance of his unoriginal explanation.

"I proposed to her a few years later on the 7th. We were so excited. We even had a date set too, May 8th." His breath shuddered. "But we never saw that date together. We went on a dangerous mission in late September and I couldn't protect her." His eyes watered. "So I knelt there watching the life drain out of her violet eyes, as she whispered 'Don't be silly and worry, love. We'll find each other again. I know it, Shunsui.'" Two tears rolled down his stubbly cheeks.

"I swore I would get stronger to protect her when we found each other again, so I'd be easy to find. Every once in a while, someone like her would appear for a brief moment then disappear again." He looked over at me. I wiped away a tear with my left thumb before I realized that I had moved. He leaned into my lingering hand and covered it with his own. His eyes were soft and weighed heavy with sharing his past. "And I thought I had moved on…"

Then it hit me like a clap of thunder.

Okaterasu Ayame

This hill mirrored my soul, the place where Ayame and Shunsui met. That is why I loved this place.

Even the dates in both of our lives are more than coincidental. My birthday and the day that Ayame and Shunsui fell in love. The day I joined the 8th and the proposed wedding date. And the day I was promoted to fukutaicho was probably when Ayame died.

I always knew that Saimitsu and Shunsui bore a striking resemblance, but never thought it was anything but coincidence. Saimitsu must look just like Shunsui did when he met Ayame. Saimitsu always prodded me towards the 8thand towards Shunsui.

If I am honest with myself, I have always loved Shunsui deeply, despite my greatest efforts.

Kami, why didn't realize this before? It all fits. It all makes sense, as banal as it may seem.

I was Okaterasu Ayame.

I am Kyouraku Shunsui's soul mate.

The realization was a bit too much to handle all at once, so much so that I felt nauseous suddenly. I felt my cheeks go pale and watched Shunsui's eyes race from softness to concern. It wasn't something I wanted to discuss with him at the moment. I hastily blurted out some half-truth he would probably see past, but it would be enough to put some time between him and me. I scrambled to get up.

"Nanao-chan?-"

"I just realized that I forgotten a form that's needed for today's submission. And apparently I am not feeling too well today either. Please forgive me for my hasty departure." I made a short bow in his direction.

"Nanao, you look like you've seen a —"

I shunpoed away as fast as I could to the office to retain some plausibility in my half-truth. I couldn't linger in case Taicho felt the need to check up on me, so I moved around a few papers and sent a duplicate copy of something I had already sent to the 1st. I rushed home and locked the door. Then I just sat on one of my floor mats panting.

I have no idea what to do now. I feel so lost and confused like the time that Lisa left and never returned.

When I finally regained my focus, I heard Saimitsu calling softly but urgently to me. Yes, we need to have a discussion.

* * *

A/N: Hooray! I've been waiting for this chapter for ages! I hope you liked it!


	157. long awaited answers

"Saimitsu?" I didn't see him at first when I entered my inner world. It was a bit of a shock running from the same place, only to end up there, if only in my soul.

"Yes, Nanao?" He sat by the shelf that held the most important books to me. The books that I wrote without writing. As I grew closer, the mysterious dark leather one stuck out as always among the pink, violet, black and white books.

I noticed a few changes in the books since the last time I came by this shelf. As I have gotten older, the covers became more ornate as the pages filled. Colors that I associate with my close relationships have been added in the detailing on each of the covers, joining the flowers that I associate them with. Shunsui's book was by far the most detailed besides my own. Yet the thick black and ancient book never changed over the years.

I felt anticipation. I had a feeling that this book was finally going to leave what was forbidden. I was excited to see what lie there but anxious simultaneously. Did I actually want to know? Yes, of course, that was a dumb question. I love knowing new things. My zanpakuto's name regards to knowledge, so of course it's important to me. Yet that nauseous feeling returned.

"Nanao? Do you have something to ask me?" Saimitsu called again, breaking my thoughts. I chuckled dryly. I was a bit frustrated at the question.

"Well, if you were paying attention at all in the past half hour or so, you might have a clue." Saimitsu gave a half smile.

"I heard your conversation. What is upsetting you?" He gestured for me to sit down. I did. I gave a large sigh and watched the grass sway softly in the breeze.

"What am I supposed to do now? Am I really Shunsui's soul mate?" I looked up and over to Saimitsu. "Did you know?"

"Yes, I've known. And if that's what you want to call it, that's in essence what you are. Sometimes when souls are created, they're made with a counterpart, another soul that compliments them and amplifies the essence of the other. Basically you are you and you don't need anyone else to be you. It's just that your 'soul mate' as you have termed it, makes you more you. It doesn't happen very often, either. About what to do, that's up to you."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because you had to figure it out. You had to be ready for it, too. It would have been weird if you had grown up knowing this." I snorted. Yes, it would have been very strange to be conscious of this while I was younger. "There is still more to know about all of this but you need to understand it in your own time. Maybe knowing more can help in your course of action."

"Does the leather book have something to do with this?" I glanced up to the shelf.

"Yes, it does."

"Do I get to read it now?" I asked a little more eagerly than I wished to. Saimitsu chuckled.

"Yes, of course you do. But you should probably wait a bit longer."

"Why?" I didn't want to wait, I had a new book to read. Yet I suppose that I waited this long, I can wait a few more hours.

"He's coming to check on you. Plus you should probably get more comfortable if you're going to read. It's rather long."

I returned from my inner world, and went to my room to change into casual robes. I jumbled my hair slightly and assessed my appearance in the mirror. I was still pale, which would be helpful in warding off Shunsui. At the thought, I heard a knock at my door.

I slid it open to find Taicho looking down in concern at me.

"Nanao-chan? Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?" I hate seeing him so worried, but I don't know enough to discuss this with him.

"No, Taicho, you don't need to worry. But I will be taking the rest of today and tomorrow off." I also hate taking time off.

"Are you sure you don't need to go to the 4th? I'll walk with you there." He really was concerned, but I asserted myself as unusual.

"I'll be fine, Taicho. I just need some rest." I leaned against the doorframe to subtly emphasize my point.

"I guess I'll mark the day on my calendar." I quirked an eyebrow at him so he would explain. "You're finally taking some time for yourself. I think I'll go celebrate for you." He grinned and hesitated. I could tell he wanted to stay and reassure himself that I would be fine.

"Taicho, I really will be fine, but if you'd like to stop by tomorrow evening to check, you're welcome to." He genuinely smiled.

"I'll see you tomorrow then."He turned to go. "Sleep well, my lovely Nanao-chan!"

I smiled and watched him go before I closed my door. Tea sounded like a good idea before I settled down to meditate and read the thick leather book with Saimitsu.

* * *

A/N: I know, I know, I was mean by stopping where I did at the last chapter. But this part of Nanao's life is important to me and I want to get it right.


	158. the first and last book

I reentered my inner soul. I nearly skipped over to the shelf that had the huge leather book. Saimitsu appeared at my shoulder.

"Ready, Nanao? There's quite a bit of information in there."

"Yeah, I'd like to know more about me and you… and Shunsui too." I smiled back to Saimitsu.

"Well at least let's go read in the sunshine. It's been awhile since it's been sunny here. You've been so cold lately."

"You sound like Shunsui does." He gave a lopsided grin.

I took the relatively plain book from among the other. I enjoyed how the others reflected parts of the person they referred to. Mine had a bird of paradise and an iris on the cover. I've always enjoyed irises and the 8th is my home, so it's only fitting that its flower would be there. Thin lines of silver, green and pink embellish the edges and spine of the cover. Shunsui's book was as pink as always with cherry blossoms floating along its cover with red, green and violet embellishments. Ukitake-Taicho's snowdrop flower was accompanied with light blue and bright green lines and Kaien-san's had sea green and blue waves crashing from cover to cover. Rangiku's book featured a silvery cat on its light pink cover. Each of these books made this ancient tome so bare in comparison. Yet it felt no less important than the others.

As we walked up towards the sakura tree, I felt as though I needed to explain my behavior to Saimitsu.

"Sai, I acted the way I did because I don't like losing control. I feel if I gave into these emotions, I would never recover and focus, especially if Shunsui didn't return my sentiments. I'm sorry if it was so cold because of my detachment."

"No worries, Nanao. I know you did what you needed to do. Plus you didn't know the whole story. You weren't ready for it."

I finally sat down with the last book. Is it the last book? It's the oldest one here, so it must be the first book. The smooth cover seemed to emanate its own warmth, as if it had a life of its own. I opened the cover. I expected it to have the distinct smell that old books usually do, but it smelt fresh like the field.

The name "Okaterasu Ayame" stuck out boldly on the first page. I shivered for some inexplicable reason. I turned the page and it looked as though it was a journal, like my very own. The handwriting was neat and crisp like my own, but it took on the characteristic of many of the older transcripts I've read.

I started to read:

"My close friend, Sayuri-san, gave me this set of paper, brushes and ink to write upon. She was adamant about my need to express myself. Since I am too private, she seems to believe that I may express my emotions better to a piece of paper than I can another person, which is somewhat correct. I've encountered too many shallow and insincere souls to trust easily. And I think Sayuri-san knows that too.

"Either way, I can practice my calligraphy. But not too much on a spring day like today. Days such as these should be appreciated not from a window, but by immersion. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea on Sayuri-san's part. Maybe she knows me better than I give her credit for. She has known me for quite a number of decades already."

I looked up as the first entry ended and took a deep breath. How interesting. She kept a sort of journal like I do. And by she, I think I may mean me, a much older previous version of me. This is such a strange scenario. The sun was rather warm today. I glanced over at Saimitsu. He was lounging and enjoying the weather. He seemed content enough to stay there, so I continued reading.

"I found this lovely hill off in the countryside where a sakura tree grows. It seemed rather lonely and young, so I decided to give it some company when I found it this afternoon. I was looking for a place to read some literature I found in the Great Library and was hoping to find someplace like that. It felt so comfortable, too. I actually spent the entire afternoon there until it was dinner time. Granted, I get somewhat absorbed when I read, so it wasn't unusual that I read until my stomach growled.

"Sayuri-san teased me a fair bit when I returned to the barracks.

"'Ayame-saaan! Where were you all afternoon? I met some handsome members of the 10th today. You should have been there! But I suppose your literature and kido books are much more interesting than handsome men looking for a date.' So typical of her. She bounced from her seat to the doorway.

"'No, I simply appreciate books and learning from them more than I do than having a shallow date with obnoxious men that think nothing beyond a physical relationship. Many of the men you have me meet fall into that category.' I retorted. We had this discussion innumerable times before and I wished to not repeat it.

"'Well either way, I'm hungry.'

"So we sat and ate. I told her about my discovery, but she didn't seem to care much if her flirtation with some of the ranked members of the squad were any indication. She had more fun with it since men were actually attracted to her. She has assets, very noticeable assets. On the other hand, I'm somewhat plain and bookish. My eyes are the only truly remarkable thing about me. My hair is plain black and I'm not as voluptuous as Sayuri-san. Maybe that's why I appreciate books more than men. Books give me their undivided attention and never judge me upon my appearance. Upon reflection, it's a somewhat sad conclusion. For now I'll just tell myself it's only because I'm waiting for someone who likes me for me."

Wow. That sounds just like Rangiku and me. And the feelings and interests that Ayame had reflect my own. Strange how it's been nearly two millennia since then and my soul is still relatively the same. I was hooked at this point so I went to continue, but Saimitsu interrupted me.

"You know, I didn't always look like this."

"What do you mean?" I was rather confused at his statement. He sat up to explain to me.

"I only took this to remind you about who you are. As your name had changed from one life to another, so has mine, as well as my materialization. I think my favorite was a crimson and silver crane. Flying was rather fun. I feel I can communicate with you better in this form anyways."

Saimitsu took a glance down at the book. You might want to take a break. You won't want to stop if you start the next one." He gave a smirk and I sighed in return.

"Fine. I suppose you would know better." He shrugged.

I returned my consciousness to my quarters and stretched before writing all this down. Just in case this happens all over again in the future.


	159. the first chapter of a long story

Saimitsu was right, I can't stop reading Ayame's journal. It's better than most books I read.

"I met a peculiar young man today at my new reading spot. I was brushing up on some kido spells for my mission next week. I was reading quite peacefully until a he came up to me.

'Hi, there! What brings a lovely young lady shinigami all the way out here?' He smiled with a lopsided grin.

'Why should I tell you? I don't know you.' I admit I may have been too defensive, but I've met plenty of male shinigami to be more cautious than not. To my discomfort, he invited himself to sit beside me, granted, he kept an appropriate distance between us. I went to read again.

'How 'bout this: I'll tell a little about myself and you share a little bit, too. We'll make it a game. Here, I'll start."I looked back up from my book. He seemed undeterred by my initial cold response. "I'm out here since Yama-jii got upset and torched my last napping place. He thinks I'm too lazy and need to contribute more to the division. But I absolutely love naps, so I've been out searching for a nice spot and came across you.'"

I nearly laughed aloud. If only I had known back then that all he did was play games and was lazy. Saimitsu looked up.

"He's not always lazy and life would be boring without his games and you know it." He defended.

I assented and continued to read.

"'Do you mean Yamamoto-Taicho?' I was a bit surprised at how casually he regarded his superior.

'Yup, now you get to tell me why you're here.'

'I wanted to find a peaceful place to read.' He peered over to the book I had open.

'You like kido?' He inquired.

'Yes, it's something that comes naturally to me. Do you like kido?' I decided to play his little game of trading tidbits about ourselves. He wasn't pushy and arrogant like others.

'I'm alright at it. I'm better with my zanpakuto…"He leaned forwards and looked at my face. 'Your eyes are lovely. I bet people tell you that quite a bit.' I couldn't help but blush, yet I was still a bit on guard since it could have been one of his tactics.

'No, people usually notice my friend more than me. Sayuri-san is much attractive than I am.'

'Mmm, attractive maybe, but not more elegant. Or cute. You're definitely cute when you blush like that.' He leaned back and supported his weight on his arms. 'Ukitake has quite the charisma. So I get overlooked sometimes, too. But it doesn't bother me too much.' He smiled in memory at something.

'What's your name?' He looked over in curiosity.

'Okaterasu Ayame, pleased to meet you. And your name?' He gave me a broad smile.

'That sounds as lovely as you are. I'm Kyouraku Shunsui.' I couldn't help but blush again. He sat and watched me for a moment. His eyes were gentle brown. I honestly think that was the first time someone just looked at me sincerely.

'Unfortunately, I have to go back before Yama-jii decides to toast me, but I'd like to see you again. Are you coming here tomorrow?'

'Why should I?' I couldn't help smile a little bit. I used the same line when he first came over. He noticed and smiled too.

'I'd like to know more about you. I'd stay, but I need to stick around if I want to get to know you.' He got up. 'So… see you tomorrow?'

'I guess you'll have to come by and see.' He wasn't the only one that could play games. He started walking backwards.

"I guess so." He had a stupid grin on his face as he continued walking back the way he came. I watched him. Including the part where he fell over since hill became steeper at that point. I couldn't help but laugh. He hastily got up and rubbed the back of his head. He called back to me.

'I'll definitely have to come back and make you laugh again. It sounds beautiful. Bye, Ayame-chan!' And with a wave and his silly grin, he shunpoed away.

I couldn't help but smiling the whole way to the barracks for dinner. No one really pays that much attention to me. While he's quite the playful person, he seemed sincere about what he was saying. Sayuri-san wasn't there, so I grabbed dinner to eat in my quarters, thankful that I didn't have to explain why I was smiling like an idiot. Maybe because I met one today. I wonder what tomorrow will be like."

I shook my head. I was as good as gone when I first met him. But knowing what I do know, it's not all that surprising. I need to take a break, my stomach is growling.

* * *

A/N: no update til Saturday. I have an epic meeting tomorrow! I'm training the new officer in my student organization and I'm pumped! But not as pumped as Nanao's read through of her past life. I hope everyone's having as much fun as I am! whee! :-P


	160. a splash of summer

"I'm not exactly sure what drove me to actually go to that tree again. Yet I'm glad I went. There is something about Kyouraku Shunsui… I feel at ease with him.

"Kyouraku was already there when I arrived at the place we had met yesterday. He appeared to be napping soundly so I simply sat and began to read the kido book I've been working on. After reading a few chapters, I looked over at him. He looked so peaceful lying there in the shade. I didn't really take in his appearance yesterday. His short brown hair shifted in the soft breeze. He rested his head upon his lean arms. His skin was sun tanned. His mouth had a sort of upwards quirk. Kyouraku's body stretched much farther than I had originally perceived. I didn't realize he was so tall. Overall, he was pleasant to look at. I smiled and returned to my book.

"After another chapter, I heard him sigh and stretch, so I looked over. He turned rolled to face me and propped his head on his elbow.

'Ayame-chan. You came. I was hoping I'd get to see you again.' He gave me a lazy smile.

'Ayame-chan? You hardly know me and how do you know that I'm not older than you?" I retorted, almost for the sake of it. It's been quite some time since someone called me that, but it didn't feel all that strange. At least, not coming from him.

'Well… I haven't seen you before and you don't seem older than I am. You're too cute to be Ayame-san. Plus, Ayame-chan sounds better.'

'Does it now? I think it's a bit inappropriate. Then, what do you want me to call you then, Mr. I-know-what-names-sound-best?'

'Shunsui works just fine for me. Or you could call me yours.' He smirked and looked hopefully into my eyes. I scoffed, and then burst out laughing.

'You expect me to take you seriously?' I put my book aside at this point because I wasn't going to get much further with Kyouraku awake. His smile dropped into a more serious look.

'Yes, I wouldn't mind it at all.' He just watched my face for a moment before sitting up and rubbing the back of his head. And in a moment, the seriousness was gone and he had a goofy grin on his face again. 'Well, I thought I'd give it a try. But something tells me it'd take a bit more than that for you to fall for someone… Kido again today?' I blinked at the sudden change of topic. He glanced at my book.

'Yeah. It's useful.' I enjoy being useful and productive.

'But it's no fun! I'll have to bring you something more interesting tomorrow. Maybe some poetry. Yeah, that sounds good.'

'What makes you think I'll come back here for a third day?' While the idea excited me, I didn't want to seem over eager at seeing him again. I like our banter and he seems like a decent man. He isn't arrogant like the others in my squad.

'I'll be here waiting for you.' He flashed another grin. 'You intrigue me, Ayame.' My breath hitched a bit for him to drop the suffix entirely.

'Well, that sounds a bit creepy if you think about it, doesn't it Kyouraku-san?'

'So cold calling me that, Ayame-chan! I'm just telling you the truth! Plus someone has got to loosen you up from boring and dry kido books. Wait, you're not in the kido corps are you?'

'No, I'm just interested in kido more than kendo. My zanpakuto is better suited to short ranges, but close combat makes me a bit uncomfortable. I'm actually in the 8th division. What about you? Are you in the 10th with Yamamoto-Taicho?'

'Yup, Ukitake and I are working our way up the ranks. Right now I'm ahead of him a rank. Though if he weren't sick all the time, I'd bet he'd probably be stronger than me right now.'

'What do you mean?' It was a rather strange thing to say about a friend.

'Well, he has a nasty lung disease he's been fighting. So it's hard for him to find time to train. So when he is well, he trains as hard as he can. My zanpakuto is a bit fussy when it wants to train. If one of us is considered lazy, I'd say my zanpakuto is the lazier of the two of us.'

'Really? Because you spend quite a bit of time lounging around from what I gather…" I tried keeping a straight face.

'Hey! Maybe you are cold…' He muttered. Then I'm pretty sure he noticed my lips twitching and gave me a mock-assessing me. 'But then again, it could all be an act… A rather intriguing act.' He paused. 'Why did you become a shinigami, Ayame-chan?'

'You're quite the curious one, aren't you? Well…' I took a breath trying to remember why. It's been quite some time since I had thought about it. 'I'm from one of the lower districts of Rukongai, so I wasn't driven to Seireitei from hunger. I started developing spiritual energy while I was younger. I detested sitting around all day doing nothing. I simply had a gift and I wanted to use my talents and be… useful… I like what I do. I like helping and protecting others.' I paused. 'Are we still playing our game from yesterday?'

'You might say we are. But you want to know why I became a shinigami?' I nodded. He rubbed the back of his head and shifted nervously. 'Well, my parents were upset that I was lazy and didn't apply myself in manners in which they thought were "useful."' He played with the grass. 'They thought I chased too many girls. So, they sent me to the Academy to teach me some discipline. At least I met Ukitake and had some good times since.' When Kyouraku looked up, he seemed rather embarrassed. I thought he would have a hard time being embarrassed too.

"Silence fell between us. It appeared as though we were opposites. I smiled in hopes of easing his tension.

'Quite the interesting story, Kyouraku-san.'

'Again with the coldness? I told you "Shunsui" works! What can I do to keep you from being so mean? And I've only been nice to you...'

'You seem to be the type to play games…" He looked up, confused. 'Maybe if you beat me to that stream over there I might not be so mean.' I got up and ran over leaving my book behind with a stunned Kyouraku.

'Hey! That's not very fair!' I looked back and saw him scrambling to get up. I couldn't help but laugh. 'Don't think you can beat me that easily, Ayame-chan!' I kept running. I was almost to the water when I was suddenly jerked back by a pair of arms around me waist. I let out a short yell of surprise before words came to mind.

'What do you think you're doing?! That's not very fair, either!' I put my hands on his arms for some leverage.

'I'm winning, lovely Ayame-chan! Anyways you said nothing about rules.' And he jumped into the water with me still in his arms. He released me and I came up from the water sputtering.

'And you said I was cold!' He laughed again.

'This isn't cold, it's refreshing for the summer! Here let me convince you…' Kyouraku proceeded to splash me with vigor. I let out an embarrassing squeal as I tried to run and defend myself. I attempted to retaliate but Kyouraku followed.

'I don't want to be convinced!'

'No, you look like you need to enjoy the outdoors more… A nice dunk will do!' Kyouraku swiftly shoved me under. When I got back up I wiped my face to look at him while he just stood there drinning like a big idiot.

'You..! What do you…?! Ugh!!!' And I shoved him to emphasize my point. He gave out a rumble of laughter and I shoved him again harder. He tripped and fell over backwards making a large splash as he fell into the stream. I moved to the shallows to avoid most of the splashing. He got back up and sat in some of the shallower waters. Kyouraku smiled up at me. I turned to look up at the bank.

'Ne, why don't we dry off in the sun, Kyouraku? And maybe warm up some too.' I looked back over my shoulder and smirked back at him, hoping he'd get my double meaning. His face lit up before he got up to follow me.

I laid down on a gently sloped part of the hill. And put my arms behind my head like Kyouraku did when I first saw him that afternoon. Kyouraku joined me.

'Look, that cloud looks like a fox.' He pointed up at one of the clouds drifting by.

'Ah, you're right. And that one…' We went on like that until the sun finally dried out our uniforms. By then it was about dinner time. The memory of dinner plans hit me suddenly.

'Oh, I need to get back to the barracks! I promised Sayuri-san I'd have dinner with her tonight.'

'Mmm? Do you want me to walk back with you?'

'Sorry, Kyouraku, I need to hurry back. I don't like being late. Later!'

I ran off so quickly, forgetting my kido book in the process. I hope it doesn't rain tonight. I'll have to pick it up tomorrow.

Sayuri-san was chatty as usual but after we had finished dinner, she popped an interesting question.

'So what happened, Ayame-san? You fall in love with some handsome man in the past few days?' I was confused at the change of subject so I inquired.

'What makes you say that?' I tried to sound Innocent.

'You've been smiling non-stop since I've seen you today. And since I haven't seen you, you must have met him recently. Spill it, Ayame-san.'

'Well I told you about this new place I found for reading my books?'

'Your old stuffy books?'

'Yes, my "stuffy old books." He came over while I was reading and interrupted me saying he was looking for a new place to nap. He's Kyouraku Shunsui of the 10th.'

'Oh really? I've heard some interesting things about him from the other members of the 10th. Sounds like he's quite the skirt chaser.'

'Really? Well I could see that, but he doesn't really seem that way to me.'

'You always go on about how men are always insincere and you go and find the least sincere of them all! Really, Ayame-san…'

'I think there's more to him. Either way, I think I'm going to go see him again tomorrow.'

'Well, so long as he keeps you smiling like you are now. The moment that changes, he'll have to answer to me.'

'Thanks, just please don't go scaring him away just yet.' She laughed and changed the topic and eventually went to our own quarters.

"I wonder what sort of poetry he'll bring."


	161. summer slumbers

"I really didn't have much of a choice, but leaving my book served as an excellent excuse to see if Kyouraku would show up again. I found him there reading a small book leaning up against the trunk of the sakura tree. When I got closer he called out to me.

'Oi, Ayame-chan! You forgot your kido book yesterday! So I kept it safe in case some rain rolled in during the night. I hope you didn't leave any love notes for me since I didn't look through your book.' He smiled up at me when I finally arrived to where he was sitting.

'You wish. I wouldn't write such frivolous things, nor would I store them in an insecure location.'

'Huh, I could have sworn you're the type that oozes their emotion in ink.' I was surprised at his assumption since it was rather correct, just wrong in the style. I 'ooze emotion' in a more private manner. Though that's not something I would tell him for the same reason.

'Well, you shouldn't make presumptions about someone you just met.'

'I suppose you're right. Well, would you let me read some poetry to you to make up for it. K?'

"He held out his left arm, inviting me to sit next to him and he could put his arm around me. I couldn't help but remember what Sayuri-san had said about him chasing skirts. She actually came by after I had turned in for the night. She was feeling lonely and I can't turn her away. We talked about a number of things, including Kyouraku again. She really seemed concerned about me falling for a man who was no more serious about women than he was about what he ate for lunch. Because of that late discussion with Sayuri-san, I hesitated going towards Kyouraku. He noticed.

'What's wrong, Ayame-chan? I promise I won't do anything ungentlemanly.' I might have glared at him a bit.

'I'm not sure if I trust you…'

'Have I done anything to gain your mistrust?' He still held out his arm. He looked a bid saddened.

'I've heard rumors of your behavior...' I didn't want to look at him. It felt like there was a rift between us in that moment.

'Do you believe everything you hear?' He asked lightly.

'I would like to believe that I can think for myself.' I looked back at him and he smiled softly.

'Then could I at least try and prove that not everything you hear is true?' His smile broadened a bit more. I glared a bit more in suspicion.

'You can hit me with your kido book if I misbehave.' He offered hopefully. 'Though no promises that I won't enjoy it.' He mumbled.

'You're so-' I started to yell, but Kyouraku interrupted me.

'Handsome? Charming?' He lowered his voice and gave a seductive look. '…Sexy?' He paused for my response.

'…Irritating!' I burst out and took a breath. His face was an interesting mix of confusion and amusement. 'But strangely entertaining, so I'll give you a chance.' I sat next to him where he had been holding his arm out the entire time. I was surprised he held it out for so long.

'So where should we start?'

"I looked to his face to answer and it was much closer than it had ever been before. He noticed too. I looked back down to the book quickly in order to keep embarrassment from the awkward proximity to a minimum. My pulse quickened a bit too before I answered.

'The beginning, where else?'

"He chuckled. 'Good question. Beginning it is.'

"Kyouraku used his right thumb to turn to the first page and began reading aloud. It was nature poetry. It had a strange but soothing rhythm to the words. The imagery was simultaneously simple and complex. The poetry itself seemed to be a reflection of Kyouraku himself. Along with the summer heat and the late night talk with Sayuri-san, it wasn't long before I drifted asleep. When I awoke, I felt the slow rising and falling of Kyouraku's chest under my cheek. His hand drifted from where it had rested lightly on my shoulder to my waist. My leg rested along his. His right hand barely touched mine which I had resting on my knee. He wasn't holding it, that would be too bold, but it was just enough contact to cause my stomach to flutter lightly.

"I slowly opened my eyes and saw that he placed the poetry book atop my kido book. The world took on a golden hue of the late evening light. I lifted my head slowly, which roused Kyouraku from what seemed like his own nap. I was so close to his cheek that I nearly brushed against his short stubble. He smells good, like nature with a masculine tone. He moved a bit away so he could attempt look at me from the corner of his eyes. A gentle smile moved across his face. I moved back to I could see him better too.

'I must be rubbing off on you.' He quietly uttered. I chuckled softly.

'Maybe you're just boring.' My voice was gentle, as if the moment asked for quiet. I smiled up at him.

'Ne, that's mean, you don't mean that. I'm entertaining.' His fingers moved just as lightly on the back of my hand. I nearly shivered. His cheeks were flushed. I could bet mine were too. My stomach interrupted by growling. It was getting late and I needed to eat dinner.

'I'd offer to take you to dinner… but you'd probably think that's too pushy. I still have to prove I'm somewhat gentlemanly, or at least, worthy of your trust.' He helped me get up. His hands lingered slightly in my own before he rubbed the back of his neck and let the other fall limply at his side.

'Don't forget your book this time.'

'No, it gives me an excuse to see you again.' I looked over to the river where we played yesterday.

'Well then, see you lovely Ayame-chan!' He started walking.

'Later, Shunsui-san.' He looked over in surprise and eventually hit the tree since he wasn't watching. I burst out laughing. It was quite the humorous image. I guess the change in address was a bit too much to handle while he walking.

'Ayame-chan…' I waved in the setting light and shunpoed back home. I are dinner with Sayuri-san, sharing the general events from my afternoon. She simply smiled and nodded back. I decided a bit of kido training was in order so I went to one of the lit training rooms and practiced for a few hours before I felt tired and went home. Maybe I'll let Shunsui-san keep my book, so I'll have an indefinite cause to see him. He simply is too much entertainment to pass up."


	162. a simple flower

"I was there before Shunsui-san was today. I've only known him for 4 days at this point but I feel as close to him as I am with Sayuri-san. There is just something about him that I find alluring. Yes, he is charismatic, easy-going and openly friendly, but I feel like just imply connect in our own strange way. He really does seem to be nearly opposite in me in every personality trait. Shunsui-san is pretty much everything that I'm not, not in a negative manner, though.

"He brought me a flower today. I feel giddy just thinking about it. I've never had a man give me a flower either. I would have expected that when he gave flowers, he would give a bouquet of large proportions. But he gave me a simple iris when he came up with an earnest look upon his face. I knew my name meant 'iris' and my eyes are on the brink between indigo and violet. When I was younger I was reading about the beliefs of the Greek civilization and apparently Iris is a goddess of the sea and sky but identified with rainbows. She acts as a messenger of the gods and links them to humanity. One book stated that she served to help the souls of women pass to the afterlife via a rainbow. I wonder if Shunsui-san knew that, since it was rather fitting since I am a shinigami. Or if he knew any of it, but I have a feeling he did since he was more serious than usual when he handed the iris to me.

"I thanked him for it and he sat down close to me.

'What are you reading today Ayame-chan? More Kido?'

'I thought I might surprise you and bring something you wouldn't expect I would. I have many tastes you know.'

'Oh, like what?'

'The Epic of Gilgamesh, it's a story of a warrior king from Mesopotamia. I read it while I was at the Academy and always thought it was intriguing.'

'Mmm, the quest of immortality after the death of a close friend… You know, futility isn't much better than boring.'

'You've read it?' I was a bit surprised.

'Yeah, I didn't think it was the greatest.'

'Well, at least I'll appreciate Gilgamesh's sorrow for the loss of Enkidu. You can do whatever you like.'

'Whatever I like? Without stipulation?' He sounded to hopeful to be good.

I looked up from the book. The playful look in his face always signaled both a frustrating and amusing discussion. It seems like he enjoys playing devil's advocate on occasion and this must have been one of them.

'Anything within reason.'

'Now, that isn't a good stipulation at all. Reason is a very difficult thing to define. And what if I'm an unreasonable man?' He was commenting in earnest, but his eyes still laughed.

'I hope for your sake that you are a reasonable man. Otherwise I cannot let you sit here with me.'

'How would you go about keeping from sitting here, Ayame-chan?'

'I think you've forgotten about my keen interest in kido, Kyouraku-san.'

'Oh, I think the cruelty wins.' I sighed.

'Now are you going to let me read?'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'Why should I?' I feel like I'm speaking with an intelligent child at times when I'm with him.

'Because I enjoy reading.'

'Not good enough!' he exclaimed and he snatched away my book. I made to grab at it but he pulled it away further. He gave me a look and I glared. He looked too smug. I made another attempt and he switched which hand he held it in. I lunged and he caught my wrist gently with his other hand.

'I'm not letting you get your book back, Ayame-chan. You need to have some fun.' He stood up and let go of my wrist.

'I have fun when I'm reading, _Kyouraku-san_.' I emphasized his name to emphasize how unhappy I was with the situation. I stood up to make another grab at my book. It wasn't until he was retaining my book that realized just how tall he is.

'Maybe if you stop calling me that, I might be persuaded to give you your book back.'

'Only if you stop calling me Ayame-chan.'

'Now I can't go about doing that, I already told you that.'

'Well then, I guess we're at an impasse. I guess I'll just use force.' I pushed his chest hoping to have him stumble and need to use his arms to keep his bearings.

I got my fingers around the spine of the book and watched as Shunsui-san panicked, thinking that he lost his game already. He ungracefully pulled it out from my grasp took a large step back.

We stood there sizing each other and I feinted to the left. I made for the book on the right and he was able to adjust. He caught me from behind by catching my waist in his free arm and held his left out with the book. I reached for it, but Shunsui-san just pulled me closer and leaned hit upper body in towards me so he could hold his arm out further. My cheek rubbed against his as I struggled to get my book back.

Honestly, I didn't need to act all childish to get my book back, but there is something about Shunsui-san that just inspires that sort of behavior. When it was clear I was incapable of retrieving my book, I sighed and slumped in defeat. Shunsui-san loosened his hold slightly. I turned to look at his face and was somewhat startled how close he was. His eyes were dark and… I'm not sure how to describe it, I didn't have much to think about it since Sayuri-san shunpoed over.

'Ayame-san!' I looked over from where I was still in Shunsui-san's arm. Her cheeks got pink and scratched the back of her head looking away from us. Her voice hesitated a bit too. 'Taicho asked me to come get you. He needs us for some sort of project…. I could say that you're not feeling well, if you're busy.' She smiled somewhat sheepishly but then smirked. She likes the boys, but it must have been a bit awkward shunpoing to her friend during what could be considered an intimate moment.

'No, don't do that, I don't want you to lie for me to get out of my duties.' Shunsui-san's arm slid away from my waist, his fingertips lingering for just a moment. I actually liked his arm being there. It felt nice. But duty called and I needed to get going. I turned to face him to say goodbye. He handed me my book.

'Bye, Ayame-chan. See you later.' He said softly.

'Bye, Shunsui-san.' His smile widened at the use of his name. I turned and walked towards Sayuri-san who seemed like she was enjoying watching the exchange between the two of us.

'Oh wait,' Shunsui quickly shunpoed over to the tree and back over to me. He pressed the iris in my hand and a kiss to my cheek. 'Bye, Love.' He whispered in my ear before he shunoped back to his division. I simply stopped walking at the shock of it and touched my cheek with my fingertips. I looked at Sayuri-san and she was grinning like a cat that had just eaten a bird. I made my way over to where she was standing.

'Looks like someone had a good afternoon.' I glared over at her. She continued to smirk back.

'What? I'm just saying that's what it seems like.' We started walking back 'So that's the Kyouraku Shunsui I've heard about?' I nodded, still too stunned for words. 'He seems like he's enjoying your company too.' She paused and continued in earnest. 'Sorry I interrupted. I didn't think that you'd be having some foreplay out in an open field.' She gave me a saucy look.

'Sayuri-san! That's not what we were doing!'

'I saw how he was looking at you.'

'But that's not what we were doing. He stole my book and I wanted it back.' She giggled.

'So naïve, Ayame-san. It was just a game to get you to loosen up. Either way, he's got his eye on you.'

'Whatever.' I felt a bit uncomfortable with how she was phrasing things. 'So what is this project that is so important?'

'Taicho wants us to look over the budget. The Soutaicho's upset with how poorly the division's been managing the past few months and Taicho's heard how you have some pretty decent math skills. I'm only here since no one's really been able to find you in the past few days.' She waggled her index finger at me. 'Someone seems like they've been shirking duty lately.'

'What? You have no room to judge, you're the worst offender, off chasing all the boys.'

'At least it's just a game for me. Looks like you're falling for him.'

'What do you mean?'

'Try to stop smiling.' I didn't notice I was. I tried and failed to stop smiling. 'See? You can't. You've been like that since you first met him, haven't you?'

'I haven't noticed.'

'I suppose you wouldn't.' She looked at me. 'You're falling for him hard.'

'Huh?' I wasn't paying attention. I was just thinking about our first encounter and trying to remember if I was grinning like an idiot. I remembered Shunsui-san did quite a bit. 'Sorry, I guess I am out of it.'

'That's fine, hun. I'm glad you found someone to make you happy. Just focus for long enough to get this done, k?'

'Of course…' I smiled deviously. 'I wonder if he'll be there again tomorrow?'

'Ayame-san!'

"I giggled and shunpoed the remainder back to division headquarters. We reported in and looked at the budget. We caught a number of large errors, especially in ordering new training equipment and laundering services. Apparently we have been paying double for both, which made balancing the budget much easier. When I say 'we,' I really mean me since Sayuri-san sat by the window and watched the men go by. She'd ask me a few questions about Shunsui-san which I would redirect. She still seems skeptical about him and overprotective of me. Honestly I'm not sure where this whole thing is going, but I only feel good about it.

* * *

A/N: Well my final semester (technically my second to last term) started this past week and I have quite a few things going on this term. Like finishing my senior project, trying to pass fluid mechanics, etc. So I'll try to keep up as best as I can. No promises, unfortunately. I hope you enjoy as usual!

On another note: Ikebana wasn't around back then (though Buddhist monks did decorate shrines as early as the 6th century A.D. in Japan), so technically irises didn't have their meaning of 'impenetrable trust and friendship' like they do now (which would still be applicable in this case). But the Greeks were around back then and Iris was mentioned in Homer's Iliad around 8th century B.C. And as a bonus, Iris was married to Zephyrus, a wind god :-P so I ran with the Greek meaning.


	163. a quick breather

I hardly believe what I've been reading for the past few hours. The sun set long ago. I had to go get an extra layer to wear since the night grew cold for this time of year. I made a cup of tea to help warm me up too.

I only made it halfway through the first week that Ayame knew Shunsui, but it was pretty clear already that they were in love. Is it appropriate to address Ayame and Shunsui as "they"? This whole concept of a previous life does not have adequate language to support it. It might be that such things typically aren't literally written on their souls. Even in my exception of it actually being written, the language was all in present tense and first person, not with the intent of being read by a life after the current one. It's a rather puzzling scenario.

But upon the topic of the past, Shunsui seems like he was ridiculous when he was younger. Yes he will have his silly dramatics and outbursts, but all in a very suave and charismatic manner. Back then, Shunsui was almost like an awkward teenager in love. I laughed when he fell over. It was just like Shunsui to do that, but he's grown up quite a bit. I will say that nearly two millennium did him well, at least in the ladies department. The time didn't so much for the laziness apparently.

Reading Ayame's actions and thoughts are rather interesting. Given the situation, I would think the same things. Yet her behavior is hardly something I could see myself doing. While part of me would dare to dream to do such silly things, the majority of me is bound by my duty and a sense of professionalism. Ayame somehow manages both so well. I admire her in that sense…That sentence seems quite self-serving. This lack of language is rather frustrating.

At first I thought it was unusual at how Ayame and Shunsui are falling so quickly for each other, but I can't say that doesn't apply to this life as well. When I first met Kyouraku Shunsui, Captain of the 8th division of the Gotei 13, I was in awe. There always has seemed to be some sort of connection between us over the years. Yet there always was something in the way, such as duty or the significant age difference. What if I had met him for the first time now and circumstances were different? Would we fall so quickly into love like he and Ayame did? Would we not have danced around each other for as long as we have?

I just feel as though this is creating more questions than answering them, but I haven't finished reading. Maybe I'll have another cup of tea and read more.


	164. whirlwind adventures

"'Maybe Shunsui-san is rubbing off on my too much and too quickly. I haven't been doing my duties up to my standards lately. I've been spending so much time with him, I returned to the office yesterday to complete the day's work and head straight to bed. But I can't seem to help how entranced I feel about him. Yesterday we climbed the tree and sat there talking about everything and nothing. I barely do that with Sayuri-san. I was also impressed at how appropriate he kept physical contact at. He was never too close, but just close enough to indicate a different sort of closeness. The sort that inspires the light fluttering sensation in the stomach.

"Sayuri-san can't help but tease me for my ever present smile. It takes quite the effort to not disclose everything to her when she asks a question or two. I'm sure she doesn't need all of the details of my afternoons spent with Shunsui-san. Plus she's quite the gossip and I don't want everyone else knowing even if I don't mind her knowing.

"Today was rather interesting. I had some important files to fill out so I returned to my desk after lunch, which was unusual for this week. It was almost 2 in the afternoon and I was trying to rush but this form was much more complicated than others. I was surprised when Shunsui-san stood in the doorway and called me.

'Ayame-chan? This is where you've been?' Some of the others in my office looked up to the unusual face in the office.

'Sorry, I've been working on this report and it really needs to get done but it's really complicated…' I wasn't really paying attention to his movements since I was getting rather stressed about this form. He picked up my hand and nearly dragged me out of my chair.

'Shunsui-san? I have to get this done.' I tried to protest as he continued to hold my hand and walk me to the door.

'You need to clear your head. You're obviously not going to do it right when you're this worked up. A nice walk should do the trick.' He grinned back at me and shunpoed both of us to our spot.

'Now, isn't this better?'

'No! I need to finish my paperwork!' My yelling didn't seem appropriate for the serenity surrounding us. I sighed. 'Maybe a walk would do me well.'

'Mmmm, I thought so. So tell me about your favorite food.' We chatted for quite some time until it started getting darker.

'I should bring you back, you still have some paperwork to do. Though I'd rather be selfish and keep you here to myself.' He looked into my eyes and felt reluctant to leave too. He squeezed my hand to emphasize his point and only then did I realize I never let go from earlier.

'Yeah…' I agreed somewhat lamely but didn't have much time to think about it. I found myself suddenly back at the 8th being dragged back to my desk. Things are such a whirlwind with Kyouraku Shunsui. He sat me back down while sat on the edge of my desk. He brushed my cheek with the back of his fingers. I nearly shivered.

'Now, get some work done so I can keep you all to myself tomorrow…' He leaned in closer towards my ear 'See you, Ayame.' He smiled and my face burned. He got up and left, flashing one last grin over his shoulder.

"After a few moments had passed, I noticed all the other shinigami in the room were practically staring at me. Some were sniggering behind their hands. My blush just deepened. I tried to stop smiling and pretend nothing happened, but as it had been the trend for the week, I continued to grin like the idiot that just left me.

"Shunsui-san was right. Having a clear head does make paperwork go faster, but my head was still somewhat clouded with thoughts of him. Sayuri-san picked me up for dinner shortly after and nearly grilled me for what happened. Apparently the division witnessed quite the spectacle today. It's not every day that Okaterasu Ayame gets dragged out of the office by a rather handsome young man. One would expect that for Sayuri-san but not me. Honestly, I didn't care much. I don't remember the last time I've been this happy.

* * *

A/N: I'm not dead!!! Sorry for being on hiatus so long, C-term really does this to me. And being sick makes me loopy and creative, so I couldn't help but write two chapters! hooray! the other will be up soon :-P


	165. Orihime and Hikoboshi

"Apparently Shunsui didn't realize that it takes time for women to get ready for Tanabata. Men can just put on a more festive yukata, but the girls have to do their hair, put on makeup and layer everything correctly. Which was why I didn't make it to the sakura tree until later. Sayuri-san wanted to make sure that I looked absolutely stunning. Enough so that it would stun witty and sharp Shunsui into silence for once. I'll have to tell Sayuri-san tomorrow that it was worth every bit.

"I walked up the hill and he was looking somewhat upset. I could only assume it was that I hadn't arrived yet. Granted, I usually come after lunch and it was nearly sunset. He looked over and just watched me approach. I watched his face as the sadness melted into awe and it was priceless. The best part was when his jaw dropped. Usually I mind when the men 'check me out,' as Sayuri-san calls it, but this felt amazing. He finally managed to whisper something after a moment.

'I thought you weren't coming.'

'Why wouldn't I?' He smiled softly at the change of phrasing from when we first met.

'I could think of all sorts of reasons, but I'm having a hard time managing that. And they don't matter anyways since you're here.' I smiled. He managed to collect himself enough to ask me to join him sitting there. We chatted as the light faded into the evening while we waited for the fireworks. Shunsui abruptly changed the subject:

'D'you think Orihime and Hikoboshi will get to see each other this year?' Shunsui looked over to me. I looked back at him. His voice was low and soft. It felt as though he wasn't asking about the weather, but something closer to home.

'Depends on if she got all of her work done.' I smirked a little bit at the reference to both the legend and myself.

'Did she?' He leaned towards me.

'I don't suppose it doesn't matter if he just steals her away regardless.' I leaned in too.

'Maybe Hikoboshi should try new tactics than waiting for bridges then.' His breath washed over my lips. 'Maybe stealing her and kissing her would be more effective.' I couldn't stand the space between us anymore and closed the distance between our lips. It was a whole mess of sensations. The kiss was soft, smooth and gentle, but I burned. I reached out to touch his face and his hands used my waist to pull me closer. He tastes so… masculine. I couldn't think of much of anything since the experience was simply consuming.

"When we pulled apart for air, I was surprised the fireworks had started without us noticing. His eyes after we parted… they give me shivers just thinking about how he was looking into mine. We didn't notice the rolls of thunder approaching either. We were about to lean back in to continue but the rain indicated we had little time to vacate the vulnerable hill. Shunsui looked up and then back at me. He scooped me up and stoop in one fluid movement and again we were off someplace new.

"We still seemed like we were out in the same area, but there was new outpost in the process of being built and we hid under the eaves. He let my feet down but continued to hold me around my waist. I still was breathing a bit faster from the kiss and from being moved so suddenly but it hitched when I looked back up into his face. One kiss was definitely not enough with that look on his face. I certainly did not have enough yet.

'Shunsui…' He was still breathing a bit harder too.

'Yes, Ayame?' He wanted a response? I couldn't of anything, so I reached up and pulled his face down to mine and continued to kiss him. I felt a bit adventurous at the moment, so I brushed my tongue against his lips. He responded in kind and our kiss deepened. Both our hands wandered and mine ended up on his neck and in his hair. His were focused on pressing ourselves together and every bit of it felt extraordinary.

"We only parted when we desperately needed air. I rested my head on his heaving chest and held him around his waist. He rested one arm around my shoulders and the other around my waist. He put his chin atop my head. We stood there just breathing for some time. I finally pulled back a little bit to look up at him. He gave me a lopsided grin with his swollen lips. I can only assume mine were just as bad.

'I hope that didn't damage my gentlemanly score with you.' I giggled. 'I need to keep you impressed if I want to keep you around.'

'Don't worry about it. I'm not really thinking about gentlemanliness at this point. Honestly, I need to catch my breath before I can start thinking again.'

'Mmmm, thinking's overrated anyways. Now I need to keep other men from discovering you. I am so not sharing.' He grinned again.

'What about you? I hear you're quite the skirt chaser. I don't want to share either.'

'I told you before, you can call me "yours."' He tucked in a hair that had fallen loose.

'I guess I'll have to do that then. '

'And the offer still stands that if I ever behave ungentlemanly, you can reprimand me with any of your kido books.'

'I'm sure if things stay as they are now, I won't need to.' He kissed my forehead.

'Mmm, the rain stopped... I suppose if I want to continue the gentlemanliness, and avoid your dreadful kido books, I should take you to your home so you can have sweet dreams. As much as I want to keep you and take you to mine…' I playfully hit him on his chest.

'Now that is quite forward. I think your first suggestion is better for the circumstances.'

'Well then, we should get along then before I'm tempted to follow the second.' He took my hand and we started walking back. We didn't have too much to talk about on the way back. The silence was warm and allowed us to savor our recent experience. We stopped and faced each other when we got to my doorway.

'So Orihime didn't get to see Hikoboshi tonight…' I stated after a pause in the conversation.

'Hikoboshi just needs to learn to live by his own rules, and he shouldn't let things come between him and things he loves.' I wanted to shiver again, not because of the chill settling in, but the implications. Was he really falling for me like I was for him? I couldn't think about it much since he changed the subject again.

'Would you have dinner with me, Ayame?'

'I would love to.' I blushed and smiled. His face broke into a big smile as well.

'I'll pick you up on Friday?' I nodded. 'That way I'll let you get some work done so you can play.'

'Okay…' I sounded all dreamy at that point.

'Goodnight, Ayame.'

'Goodnight, Shunsui.' He leaned in for one last short kiss. He watched as I got inside and gave him one last smile before I closed the door. I feel absolutely wonderful. Enough so where I'm going to have a hard time sleeping and dreaming sweet dreams like Shunsui had said. Even if they would be about him tonight."


	166. bad romance

A/N: Let me start off by apologizing profusely for going on a 3-month hiatus. Part of it was finishing my degree requirements (met in full! I'm an engineer now!). Another other part was the craziness of going on a cruise and moving back home for awhile. Now that I can see my floor once again, I'll be working at writing TBOIN. I'm not super thrilled about how this alter life flashback will work into Nanao's life, but I'll make it work somehow. I'm trying to keep it concise since I want to get to Nanao's life, not stick with Ayame's. Thanks as always!

* * *

"This entire week has been surreal. Shunsui comes into the office usually around lunch time to take a walk with me. Conversations with him are quite the experience. He's learning quickly what sort of things rile me up and what sort of things make me forget that he can be quite the handful sometimes. For instance he knows I defend my preference for kido passionately if he questions it and then he appeases me in some manner like agreeing with me… or just stopping in our tracks and kissing me right then and there.

"Even though he acts in such a peculiar manner, I love being with him. He makes me feel so… important isn't the right word, but as though I matter greatly, or at least to him. Occasionally, I'll catch him watching another girl walk by, but he'll put his arm around my waist and pull me close or he'll make some dramatic comment on how he thinks that they are no comparison to my own features and personality. It's almost entertaining.

"But our date was simply wonderful. Shunsui brought me to a quiet restaurant. I don't remember what we talked about, the night just went by so quickly. He walked me home again. I thought last week's kiss was mind blowing, yet it came nowhere near close to how he kissed me tonight. I was a bit embarrassed that we kissed like that outdoors in public like that. First, I was a bit too preoccupied to consider such a thing, and second, I was rather tempted to bring him in. I'm glad I didn't because I wouldn't be sure where I'd be able to draw the line. I'm not the sort of girl that "puts out," as Sayuri-san would call it, on the first date. But Shunsui is just so intoxicating!

Anyways, I think it's official now. I am in love with Kyouraku Shunsui and I think I'm falling deeper in love too. Sayuri-san is going to have a good laugh about this when she finds out."

I looked up at Saimitsu from the ancient book I was reading. He was gazing at the stars and moon since night had fallen.

"Saimitsu?"

"Yes, Nanao?" He didn't look away from the sky.

"Was it really so simple like that? That Ayame just met Kyouraku Taicho and in a couple weeks knew she was hopelessly in love with him? I mean, this is starting to read like a bad romance novel…"

"Her circumstances were a bit different. There was a much smaller age gap and there wasn't the issue of division seniority and duty stopping Ayame from letting herself follow her heart. Which is your heart really."

I sighed. I fully appreciate how souls lose their memory before they return to another cycle of life now. A clean slate is much less complicated than having knowledge of previous lives. Plus I'm still struggling with the lack of language to describe the whole concept of referring to one's self in a previous life. Ayame is and is not me. Ayame has had different experiences in her discreet life than I have, but at the same time, our essence is the same. Maybe I'll develop the words to support this idea. On second thought, I'm spending too much time doing paperwork to sit around and think about such a thing. Maybe I'll ask Shunsui to do it.

"Shunsui was falling for Ayame just as hard too. Ayame didn't know it until she met Ukitake. If you're inclined to skip the 'bad romance novel' of yourself being all hopelessly in love with Shunsui, that might be a good place to go to. Though, I haven't known you to skip around in books."

"Honestly, I think I may need to," I flipped through some of the next pages, "It looks pretty bad. Am I going to be as bad if I ever fall in love like that?" Saimitsu laughed.

"Mmmm, I'm not sure, but I think you already have a few journal entries like that, I mean, you are in love with him already. And don't go denying it to me, if anyone would know, I would."

"This instance is just so different and complicated compared to when Ayame met Shunsui." I paused in my search for when Ayame met Ukitake.

"That doesn't mean anything needs to be one way or another, it's your choice."

I flipped a few more pages and saw Ukitake's name. "Is it my choice? It doesn't seem like I had a choice of who I fell in love with. And what if Shunsui chooses someone else now, or at least doesn't choose me? What am I supposed to do?"

"Nanao, at the end of the day, we still make a choice. We can know nothing or know everything there is to know, but we still make a choice. You love Shunsui, even before you knew you were Ayame. Does knowing that you already loved him in another life make you love him less? You still have the choice whether or not to do anything about how you feel about him."

"This is so much to think about at once."

"I know. Why don't you read about Ukitake? I think you'd like it."


	167. iris meets snowdrop

"I finally met Ukitake-san after a few months of dating Shunsui. He was just as charming as Shunsui first described him. I didn't get to meet him sooner since he had fallen ill a month and a half ago. As much as he wanted to meet me, he refused until he regained his health. He didn't want to give a poor first impression to someone Kyouraku cares about.' So Shunsui came by my office in the mid morning and asked if I could spare a few hours for a surprise. I had to be clear it was only for a few hours since the last time he said that, I was gone for the rest of the day.

"It was a bit of a surprise since we typically walk closer to Seireitei, but today we went to a nice estate in the countryside.

'Welcome to Ugendo, Ayame-chan. I have someone for you to meet here."

We entered and Shunsui lead me by my hand to one of the sitting rooms with numerous pillows. Sitting in the middle was a man Shunsui's age with white hair and brown eyes. He stood up slowly and bowed. I guessed this was Shunsui's best friend Ukitake-san.

'Okaterasu-san, nice to meet you finally!'

'Nice to meet you as well, Ukitake-san.' I bowed in return

"Please make yourself comfortable and have a seat. Would you like some tea?"

"His smile was quite charming. He was welcoming and unassuming. I understand what Shunsui had meant when he first described him.

'Oh, yes please, that would be nice. Thank you.' He looked to Shunsui who had just made himself comfortable next to me and gave him a somewhat apologetic look.

'Would you mind making it, Kyouraku?'

'Look at you, already trying to steal her away from me. You better keep your hands to yourself while I'm gone.' Ukitake chuckled. Shunsui gave him a mock glare, which he might have learned from me, and brushed his fingers atop my shoulder as he stood. 'I'll be back soon.'

"Once he left, Ukitake turned his attention back to me.

'So you're the one that's captured Kyouraku's attention. Honestly, I had to fall ill again just to see him.'

'I'm so sorry if I've hindered your friendship with him. He thinks the world of you. Granted, he always opposes your better qualities with either qualities of his own or some of your shortcomings. He's quite concerned of shifting my interest to you.' He chuckled lightly, if somewhat raspy. It sounded like Ukitake-san was still getting over his most recent relapse.

"That's just like him to do that. Sometimes he gets it in his head that I'm after every girl he's interested in. He gets more protective and possessive the more he likes them. Which is why I can tell he's rather taken with you."

'Really?' I'm fairly certain my face heated into a blush.

'While I enjoyed hearing about you for the first couple weeks of my illness and please forgive me for this, I wished for a faster recovery since Shunsui could hardly talk about anything besides you.'

'Oh dear, Sayuri-san must feel the same then. I should apologize to her next time I see her.'

'I take it you're just as bad?' I couldn't help but laugh.

'Apparently.' Shunsui called in response from the hallway during his return.

'Things better be the way I left them, or there'll be hell to pay, Ukitake!' Ukitake smiled with a amused look in his brown eyes.

'We should mess with him some day. I'm still surprised you've stuck with someone as frustrating as him for as long as you have.' Ukitake-san regarded me carefully.

'I guess you have a point. He can be frustrating, but I still find it fun.' The door opened with Shunsui holding a tray for the three of us.

'I see Ukitake kept his hands off you, so what embarrassing stories did he tell you?'

"I chuckled this time. 'Why should I tell you?'

'He didn't tell you about the hakama pants and the temple right?'

"I quirked my eyebrow and added a bit of sauce to my voice. 'What if he did?'

"His face just drained of color and I laughed aloud.

'You are such a cold and cruel woman.' He shook is head.

'And how do you know Ukitake-san kept his hands to himself this whole time? And who's to say he didn't use anything else?'

'Oi, Okaterasu-san, now don't get me into trouble!'

'I am rubbing off on you too much, playing games like this with me.'

'I think it's fair game. You drag me away from my office work quite a bit. I think I deserve payback.'

'I thought kisses were payback!'

'You enjoy them too.'

'So?' I sighed and hit him on the shoulder. Sometimes I just can't win. But at least with Shunsui, it's not always a bad thing. I looked over to Ukitake-san and he was sipping away at his tea enjoying the scene we put on before him.

'Sorry, Ukitake-san. Sometimes explaining something to him is hopeless.'

'No, I understand quite fully. So tell me a bit about yourself, what division are you in?'

"He probably already knew, but it was a way to get a conversation going.

Around lunch time, Ukitake-san excused himself for an afternoon nap. After we said goodbye, Shunsui turned to me and brushed my cheek with the back of his fingers.

'I think Ukitake likes you. Though not nearly as much as I do.'

'Are you really that concerned about him stealing me away?'

'Should I be?'

'While he may be more charming, gentlemanly and well-mannered than you, he is nowhere near as fun as you. Plus it'd be difficult for me to stop falling for you…' I drew in a sharp breath at my open confession.

"His eyes snapped to mine, paused for a moment, and leaned in to kiss me. Initially I melted into it, but then I remembered where we were and pulled back slightly.

'Shunsui, this isn't our house, it's Ukitake-san's. We shouldn't do this here.'

'"Our house?" I like the sound of that.' His face slipped into a goofy smile. 'But Ukitake's like a brother, so it's kinda like my house too. I'm here enough.' He leaned in again and I pressed my finger to his lips.

'But I'm not.' He sighed and rolled his eyes.

'Okay.' He shifted and scooped me up into his arms.

'What are you doing?' The sudden disorientation was throwing my train of thought of course.

'Bringing you to someplace you'd be more comfortable doing this.'

'Where?'

'Your place, is that alright?'

'What?'

'I really want to kiss you senseless right now and if you don't want me to do that here, would your place be better?' He gave me that grin that absolutely love, the one when he feels mischievous.

'Right now?' I couldn't help but start smiling in return.

'So full of questions, Ayame. I decided, we're going.' Usually Shunsui is lazy, but there are times when he is quite decisive. It usually occurs when getting me to himself is concerned.

"Shunsui is rather good at shunpoing even with extra weight, so it was surprising we got to my apartment so quickly. I slid the door open. He slid it closed with his foot and placed me on my couch and picked up where he left off at Ugendo. Shunsui was definitely a bit more aggressive than usual, but I thought it was quite alright. I leaned back to lay on the couch and Shunsui followed. My hands gained a mind of their own. They were loosening Shunsui's uniform at the collar to gain access to his chest. My hands ran down along his well-defined abdomen. Shunsui was busy holding himself over me with one arm. The other was exploring the length of my side. When he reached my breast, he brushed over it and continued past up to my neck. I couldn't help but gasp at the contact. He felt that was a great opportunity to deepen the kiss and get our tongues involved.

"We were so lost in our own world that consisted of each other that I didn't hear the knock at the door at first. Then I heard Sayuri-san's voice call from outside.

'Ayame-san? Taicho wants us to look at the budget again. Are you free this afternoon?'

"I was panting and couldn't answer before Shunsui cut in and called to Sayuri-san.

'No, she's not! I've kidnapped her today and she's all mine. If you're nice and bring us breakfast in the morning, you might be able to steal her away from me tomorrow.'

'Shunsui!' I hit his shoulder. 'I have work to do!' I turned my head towards the door and called out. 'I'll be out in a bit, Sayuri-san!'

'That's what you think, lovely Ayame-chan.' The low vibration and dark look in his challenge nearly made my throat go dry.

'What do you plan on doing to her until then, Kyouraku-san?' His face morphed into something I can describe as adventurous and extremely seductive before turning to yell at the door.

'Whatever she'll let me do! Something that leaves her breathless and thoroughly exhausted!'

'What are you doing? Don't say things like that!' I hissed at him. I hit him a few more times to no avail. He just brushed some of my hair behind me ear.

'I'm only telling her the truth.' He returned in an amused yet frank voice. 'Who said we're going to do anything scandalous?'

'It would be nice if you asked me before telling everyone that we're going to.' I removed my hands from him to cross my arms across my chest, mock pouting like he had done to me so many times beforehand. 'Letting everyone else know before me, how rude.'

'Well, I never said anything about sex, but if that's what you want…' That earned him another hit to the shoulder, though it's really hard to be mean when his voice gets suggestive. 'And you're a smart and sexy woman, how could I want anything less?'

'You're so frustrating!' I turned again to the door 'Sayuri-san! I'll be out in a few minutes!' I heard muffled laughter from behind the door. I'm not sure how much she heard, but if she heard any of it, she'd be rolling on the floor about now. I ducked out from underneath Shunsui and he slumped onto the couch with an unhappy sigh. He pouted up at me while I was fixing my hair and uniform. He sat up when I moved closer to the door. I noticed how open his uniform was and couldn't help but look. Shunsui noticed where my attention was and broke out into a smirk. I apparently had a weakness and he just found it.

"I finally got to the door with Shunsui coming to stand right behind me. He attempted to get his arm around my waist. I slapped at it and turned to yell at him.

'Let me get work done! Some of us aren't beloved students of our Taichos and we actually need to get work done.' I quickly kissed his cheek and turned and started walking.

'I guess you have to save your plans for later, Kyouraku-san. I'm sorry I interrupted you two.' She then dropped her voice into a stage whisper. 'I'm sure she is all for the idea, but doesn't like shirking duty.'

'Sayuri-san!' I ordered back over my shoulder.

'I'm coming, Ayame-san!'

'Bye Kyouraku-san! See you later! Good luck!'

'Thanks, maybe next time I see you, you shouldn't take my Ayame-chan away from me.' I heard my door slide and click into place.

"I guess midday was rather exciting. Well the rest of it was rather unusual as well. I spent the rest of the day doing work and trying to avoid questions of what exactly we did at my apartment from Sayuri-san. Usually I have nothing exciting happening in my life."


	168. promotion

I skipped later into the book, my guess was that it was a few years later. Flipping through, it seems like Ayame lived a happy life. Enamored with Shunsui, good friends with Ukitake and Sayuri, my own life reflects the life this previous version of my soul led. I try to shake the meaning and weight of it all, or at least, for long enough to finish getting through Ayame's journal.

"Shunsui was promoted into my division as the new 3rd seat. Unfortunately, the previous 3rd seat fell during a mission a few months ago. Shunsui is more than qualified to fill the position, yet I feel he may lack the necessary work ethic. It's a bit strange having him as my superior now, but nothing we can't deal with.

"The only real difference is that he's in the office all the time. I wonder if that was a calculated decision by Yamamoto Taicho. He's probably gotten wind that Shunsui and I are romantically involved and is using that to give Shunsui a reason to be in the right office for once. Yet now it's hard for me to get work done since Shunsui is always tempting me while we're in the office. I have taken to carrying something solid to deflect him. If I use my hands, he just uses them to pull me in closer. It's so much harder to say 'I'm busy' when he's touching me and he knows it. He did say I could hit him with my 'dry, boring kido books' if he ever misbehaved. I think this sort of behavior warrants it.

"I try telling him that we can save it for when we go home, but apparently I'm one of the few things that can make him impatient. Which reminds me, I wanted to pick up a book from my apartment before I settle in for the night. I like having something to read in the morning before he wakes up. If I try leaving for the office too early, he's gotten into the habit of pulling me closer and trapping me there. I tend to be late anytime that happens so I taken to just read until he feels it's the 'right' time to get up in the morning. It usually leaves me scrambling to get ready for work. I honestly don't know how he can sleep so much.

"Jyuushiro-san was excited for Shunsui's promotion, but I couldn't help but notice a twinge of frustration beyond the genuine congratulations when he made the announcement. Since then, he's had a fierce light in his eyes and has been rather busy. He hasn't been unhealthy lately, so I only hope it's him training to be better. Or even better would be for him to find a girl of his own.

I wonder if it's because of that lovely lady we saw when Shunsui and I last visited him in the 4th. She had brilliant blue eyes and gorgeous black hair, very intelligent and elegant too. Now that I think about it, Jyuushiro-san was blushing like a teenager after she left from checking in on him. Maybe I'll ask Shunsui about it. It would be a nice distraction for both of them, one helping him with his ego, the other giving him something to do so I can get work done. Granted, Shunsui can get work done if asked properly. Either way, I think this could be a good thing."


	169. proposal

"I'm still breathless. Shunsui tends to have that effect on me, but this time it is of epic proportions. Well, it was an eventful day. I mean, I'm still shaking with excitement. Shunsui walked me to the sakura tree where we first met exactly 10 years ago today. He had setup a surprise picnic for us there and after we at, we took a walk. By sunset, we ended up back at the sakura tree. He stepped in front of me, took my other hand and asked me to marry him! Of course after my initial surprise, I agreed whole heartedly. Then I shared my happiness with him by tackling him with a kiss. He didn't seem to mind very much.

"I don't think I'll be able to focus much for the rest of the week. Sayuri-chan will be rather excited, or at least, I hope. She seems to have a man that's caught her interest, so at least she will be able to identify with me. Last time I told her something when she was unhappily single did not pan out well. I hardly think I'll be able to sleep tonight."


	170. to be continued

"I'm a little nervous today, I'm going on a mission with Shunsui for the first time. While we put our lives on the line all of the time, it's a bit different having the man you love lead you into battle. I hope I'm not too worried about him to perform effectively. I've been on missions all the time, he's lead a number of missions himself and I've been on missions with him. So there shouldn't be anything to worry about. I'm sure we'll be fine and I worried about nothing.

"I'll just try and think of getting through this and to our wedding day this spring. We picked May 8th since we're both in the 8th division and we both like May. It's right when some of my favorite flowers are blooming. He thinks the best weather is in May.

"Maybe after the mission, I'll take a shower and a nap. Then Shunsui and I will figure out who we'd like to invite to our wedding."

It was so strange that all of the script just ended. And it wasn't as if it was the end of the book. There was quite a number of blank pages following Ayame's last entry. That must have been September, when Ayame died during that mission. I wonder what Shunsui felt… He probably beat himself up over it. I'm actually starting to get choked up about it too, but that's silly. I'm getting upset about my soul as Ayame passing which would eventually come to be me as Nanao. Actually, Shunsui probably is still beating himself up. He was at the sakura tree remembering her.

Yet Ayame was right: I/we found Shunsui again. It took quite a long time but I did. It only took significant prodding from Saimitsu to do so.

"Saimitsu, why did it take so long for me to find Shunsui?"

"A number of things kept you. You were unusually blessed with long human lives. We weren't always strong enough when we returned to Soul Society to become shinigami. So there were no opportunities to get near Seireitei. Even if you did manage to become a soldier for the Gotei 13, battle claimed you too quickly."

My head felt as though it were swirling. There just seems like there is too much information to comprehend and a myriad of emotions that compound the confusion. Then through the hazy mess, an intriguing thought popped into my head.

"Saimitsu, doesn't Katen Kyoukotsu recognize you at all?"

"Not with how I change from life to life, though she may think my reiatsu is familiar in a way that she couldn't place it, like a song you can't quite remember. It's also been a long time since I was with Ayame. If she were looking, she would search for something that felt more like a duplicate of her than look for a resemblance. Reiatsu is rather like personality or a fingerprint, each is entirely unique."

I cocked my head to the side.

"Have we ever had this conversation before?"

"Mmmmm, not really. Another time we discussed the cyclical nature of souls, but we never got too in depth before a hollow took your life."

I placed the book softly on the grass beside me and fell back to lie on the grass like Saimitsu. I took a deep breath.

"Interesting. I could write a book about this."

"But this is a bit too personal for you to go about sharing it indiscriminately by writing a book, isn't it?"

"I suppose other 'soul-mates' have to figure this out for themselves anyways. No need to parade my inner most feelings for the future of Seireitei to read." I paused in contemplation. "Do other soul-mates have a book like this in their soul?"

"My guess is no, since you have a rather unique relationship with books. Yet I would think that something of this importance is metaphorically written on their soul in some other fashion."

"Interesting. I suppose I should return. Thank you, for finally sharing this with me. Though I do not know what I'll do with this new perspective, I appreciate this." He sat up and looked over at me and smiled.

"Of course, Nanao. See you."

I sighed again when I returned to the present from my journey into the distant past. I have no idea what to do now.

* * *

A/N: whew! three chapters! Sorry for the delay, I saw Fullmetal Alchemist ended, so I decided to read the whole thing. It's a great story, I'm glad I didn't read it while it was still in progress, otherwise I'd end up as a bigger emotional mess than I was. Besides that, I'm caught up as far as I had written, but that's no worry! Now that Nanao is back on the main timeline, we can continue to her and Shunsui's dance toward each other! hooray!


	171. the here and now

I was able to tidy up just before Shunsui knocked at my door. He was kind to bring some of my favorite noodles for both of us to eat. He was happy to see I looked better, but he insisted that I still take tomorrow off just as assurance of my recovery. I would attribute his extra concern to my hesitation. I mean, how am I supposed to act around him anymore? How do I process what his actions mean at this point? What do my own emotions mean now? I don't dare look in his eyes for too long. I'm afraid of what I might find there and what my own would reveal. He's always been too skilled in reading expressions, especially eyes. There is the saying that eyes are the window to one's soul. If that is so, Kyouraku Taicho sees them as crystal clear glass.

Shunsui looked concerned when he returned from making us some tea. I believe I was gazing off into the distance, which admittedly, is quite out of character. He tried to feel my forehead for fever and I automatically swatted his hand away with my fan I had on my table. Shunsui smirked at me saying:

"Well, I suppose if Nanao-chan has the energy and reflexes for deterring me as usual, she really is fine."

Internally I gave a sigh of relief since I had some semblance of normalcy still. After learning such life-altering information, a bit of routine feels more than comfortable.

I'm glad that Shunsui took charge of the talking while we were eating since I was still in a pensive state. Apparently some of the division members felt it necessary to hold a drinking contest. Shunsui joined in for a bit then pulled himself from the tournament since he claimed unfair advantage, which is entirely right. With the amount of sake he has consumed during his lifetime, he has gained an astounding tolerance to alcohol.

It was starting to get dark out when Shunsui decided to let me rest some more. He tried again to convince me that another day wouldn't do any harm and that someone would take care of the paperwork. I declined. I need routine at this point to help me sort through everything. Hopefully everything will sort neatly like my paperwork does.

* * *

A/N: I lied, I had an extra chapter written. :-P


	172. dry humor

The first few days back at the office, Shunsui unfortunately felt he needed to check up on me every hour or so. It was starting to get unbearable after the third day. He would stand in front of my desk and stare at me in silence while I was working. I assume he was observing my condition. I couldn't sit there too long before my face would start to flush with how intent his gaze was. Then he would ask:

"Ne, Nanao-chan? Are you sure you're feeling alright? You've more than earned any time that you'd like to take off." And I would respond tartly every hour with:

"Sir, if I took any more time off, I worry the division might fall behind with the paperwork too much." I finally added, "Plus any more papers would certainly bury the division alive and I wouldn't want to soil your reputation with such an embarrassing mishap of losing all of your subordinates in one day." I shifted my glasses for effect and Shunsui burst out laughing.

"Well if my lovely Nanao-chan's sense of humor shines like that, she must be doing fine. I'm going to visit Ukitake today. Kaien-kun should be able to take care of everything you need." I nodded and returned to the report on which I was currently working.

He swept out of the office with a wave and called out, "Glad you're feeling better, Nanao." I looked up to stare at his retreating figure. An inexplicable dryness came over my mouth. It was a good thing that Shunsui had left since he would most certainly wonder about my reaction. It's strange when he drops the suffix. I couldn't help but remember how Ayame described how her breath hitched when Shunsui dropped the suffix the second day they knew each other.

I still don't know what to do about this life-altering revelation that Saimitsu gave me. Maybe I'll just mull it over until a solution presents itself. I think I'll apply myself to my job for now until things settle out.

* * *

A/N: back in the swing of writing! I apologize for previous grammatical errors - I was reading through TBOIN to remember what I've covered and I look liked I struggled. I'll make sure I proofread.


	173. the problem is choice

My trip to the bath house this week was less than relaxing. I thought that I could do some time away from the office. Unfortunately, my thoughts drifted to the question of whether my emotions concerning Shunsui were my own or not. Was me falling in love fate or was it a choice I made in this life time? I hate the idea of something in my life being totally out of my control and predetermined by some external force. Was my life determined before I was born? Do I have any such thing as "choice" in the course of my life?

How would Shunsui react to this? Would he believe that I'm the reincarnation of his first love? Would he care one way or another? Would he think I'm making it up and not believe me? Would he just not be interested altogether? If he really was my soul mate, would he know? Does he already know who I am and already wrote me off as just another woman?

Even if I had all of these answers, I don't know if I still would have difficulty looking Shunsui in the eye. My best course of action is to pretend as though this never happened while continuing to analyze the situation.


	174. expert consultation

Taicho was at the 4th to see Ukitake today since he had a relapse recently. As usual, Kaien-san and I were put in charge of our divisions. I had some paperwork to give the 13th today. So I gathered it up and made my way over. I really was a nice day. The strong heat of summer had weakened its grip on Seireitei and the autumn's crispness was starting to set in. It also made it a good day for training. Kaien-san and Kuchiki-san were out training on the 13th's lush grounds.

"Morning Kaien-san, Kuchiki-san. I have some paperwork for you." It was cute but slightly unnerving to see the way Rukia-san look at her mentor. She admired him immensely and I only hope I never looked at Shunsui the same way, or at least in such an obvious manner.

"Nanao-san! Good to see you, though I wish you'd come by more often without paperwork." I couldn't help but smile a small bit.

"You sound like Kyouraku-Taicho. And it's because of him that I'm always swamped with work that I don't have free time to visit whenever." He chuckled.

"Oi, Kuchiki, why don't you take a break? I'll be in the division headquarters." She nodded to him. She turned to me and gave me a wave and a smile. I nodded in return and walked with Kaien-san back to the 13th.

"How are you doing, Nanao-san? I haven't seen you in ages."

"Would that be since you've been avoiding me? I know you were involved somehow the last time that the 8th's paperwork went missing."

"I know nothing of the sort!" He was mocking innocence as I had anticipated. "What happened?" I looked away and blushed at the memory. The feel of Shunsui's palm nearly made my skin burn.

"Nothing really, I yelled at Kyouraku-Taicho and I got my paperwork back and that was it." He smirked.

"So you say. I doubt that was all there was to the incident." I whipped my head to look over at him. He snickered. "So I was right!" Kaien-san really has good observation skills.

"Hmph, at least, that's all that you need to know." I groused. I hate when Kaien-san sees past everything. We walked in silence until we got to the office. I set the papers down on his desk. We both sat down, him in his seat and me in the one that he keeps across his desk for visitors. I did a reiatsu sweep before anything else was said.

"It's obvious you have something else in mind." As usual, Kaien-san was right. Kyouraku-Taicho's mention of Kaien-san and Miyako-san being soul mates came to mind. This whole phenomenon is curious and I wanted Kaien-san's opinion of the subject.

"Well, I wanted to know what you thought about something. It may be too personal, so please don't feel offended or like you need to answer."

"I'm sure if it's coming from you, I won't be offended. What is it?"

"I wanted to know your thoughts on the existence of soul mates, considering your closeness and devotion to Miyako-san." Kaien-san leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on his desk and interlaced his fingers behind his head. He hummed and closed his eyes in thought.

"Well, Miyako and I are very deeply in love. My soul is very happy we've found each other. I'm certain hers feels the same. My life feels much more fulfilled with her by my side. Is that how you mean?" He cracked one eye to look at me.

"Yes and no. Yes in the sense that your soul is happy to have each other." I decided to risk a bit more information but hide its true source. "But I came across a book that described souls that had been originally created as set rather than individually which would seek each other out between lifetimes. I wondered if there was any merit to that information." While technically what I said is true, I didn't want to tell him that it was Saimitsu that told me this.

"Interesting. I suppose that's entirely possible. It's next to impossible to prove such a thing because you can't really track a soul from life to life in between the human world and here. I wonder how prevalent this is. Does everyone have a soul mate? Or is it a rare occurrence? Are people soul mates without knowing it?" He paused and opened both eyes fully. "What really brings you to this idea?"

"Academic curiosity, that's all." I tried to be casual and nonchalant. He took his feet off the desk and leaned his elbows on the desk and stared at me skeptically.

"Nah-uh. You don't go about things like this. You're too interested for passing curiosity. You have some ulterior motive… " A slow smile crept up his face. "Now I see. What makes you think that?"

"Think what?"

"Don't play dumb with me Nanao-san. You think you have one aaannnnd I knoooowww whoooo ittt ii-iisss." He laughed at his impromptu singsong voice. "Spill it, woman. What in the world would make you think that the infuriating Taicho that you're so infatuated with is your soul mate?" The window was much simpler to look at in that moment. I debated whether I should tell him the truth. It seems as if he'd deduce it with or without my help, so I might as well give him accurate information from the start. I turned back to look into his eyes.

"Will you promise to keep this to your grave?"

"If it means that much to you, of course, Nanao-san."

"Saimitsu told me." Shock painted his face. Several moments passed before he closed his mouth and regained a semblance of composure.

"Wow. He said that explicitly?" I nodded. "Wow. What are you going to do about it?" That's the same question I've been asking myself ever since he told me.

"I don't know. The whole revelation is rather overwhelming." Kaien-san got up from his chair and stretched. He walked over to my chair, put his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes.

"Revelation or not, does it change the fact that you love him?" It was my turn to be stunned. He squeezed my shoulder and went to leave his office. "Either way, things will work themselves out, so don't stress over it. I'll get those papers back to you tomorrow."

I sat there for a few more minutes before I made my own exit from the 13th. Kaien-san's question rang through my head for the rest of the day.

* * *

A/N: Happy Birthday, Nanao-chan! And sorry if chapters vary in length more - Nanao is too preoccupied in sorting out her thoughts to always write super long entries. Oh and last minute Kaien requests need to be made - we're about 40 years pre current time line.


	175. here's to the new year

I've been so caught up in work that it's already the New Year. Along with Ukitake-Taicho and the Shibas, Rangiku and Hinamori-san were going to join us. Rangiku brought a new recruit of the 10th celebrate with us. Hitsugaya-kun, was it? He's a small boy, though he's quite a bit older than I was when I first joined the Gotei 13. From his reiatsu, he seems like he has great potential. It went well with his striking appearance. His head was covered with white hair sticking up and bright turquoise eyes. His demeanor was somewhat withdrawn and almost, cold. I wonder if he's going to rival my supposed coldness in the office someday.

Taicho attempted to cuddle with me during the fireworks since it was a bit chilly. I used my trusty fan to keep him at a distance but unfortunately my fan finally gave out. The impact with Taicho's face snapped it in half. We both stared at it for a moment. Taicho's kissy face morphed to a rougish grin.

"Nanao-chan can't keep me awaaaayyy noooow!" His comment was met with chuckles from the nearby observers. Why does he always do this when there is an audience?

"You seriously underestimate me, sir." He moved in again to kiss me and I simply just planted my hand in his face and roughly pushed it away and to the side. Rangiku laughed. The boy scowled in the other direction. Though his expression changed when Hinamori-san came to join us.

"Hi everyone, sorry I'm late I-" She broke off and stared at the boy. "Shiro-kun? What are you doing here?" He seemed rather surprised to see her here.

"Matsumoto-san invited me to watch the fireworks with her."

"Uhh.. that's not what I mean! I mean, ahhh, are you a shinigami?"

"Yeah, I graduated this year. I joined the 10th."

"Why didn't you tell me! I'm so excited for you!" She came and smothered him in a hug that would make Rangiku proud. I'm fairly certain I heard a mutter from him

"Let go of me, Momo." Sounds like they're pretty close, probably childhood friends since Hinamori-san has been here a while. She's been so devoted to Aizen-Taicho. I like to think my devotion for Kyouraku-Taicho is more professional and less of the hero-worship type she exhibits. Though when they parted, it looked like Hitsugaya-kun might have been blushing a bit. He probably doesn't like such a close relationship exhibited to people he just met.

The whole exchange was enough to distract Taicho from his kissing conquest for now. I looked over at him and I'd say he had a nostalgic sort of smile. He glanced at me and then leaned back onto the roof.

"Happy New Year, Nanao-chan. Let's hope that this year's just as good as the last."

"Happy New Year to you too, Taicho." Rangiku spoke up after a few moments passed.

"Nanao, you know what this means?" I turned and gave her an inquiring expression. "You need a new fan. Or two." She smirked. "Or maybe I'll play on Shunsui-kun's side this year."

"Oh, Rangiku-san, what did you have in mind this year?"

"I can't tell you here, Nanao would probably burn me to a crisp if I said anything here." He chuckled.

"You're right." I shook my head in exasperation. This was definitely going to be an interesting year.


	176. game face

I've done some research in the Central Library and haven't found anything to reliable on the subject of soul mates. Kaien-san was right, it seems like it's rather hard to document if it is a real phenomenon. Or Saimitsu's right in saying you really wouldn't want to divulge something as personal as a part of your soul indiscriminately. Most sources state that it is a mythical concept and only wishful thinking, leading me to believe that soul mates are more rare than not.

With that in mind I think I came to a rough course of action. Shunsui, no, I need to start mentally calling him at least Taicho again, doesn't need to know any of this soul mate business. I have nothing to base it off except my own feelings and what Saimitsu has told me. As much as I trust him, I cannot be entirely sure without proof. This may be one of the things he may insist that I have faith on.

In general, I've come to terms with being in love with him, soul mate or not. As such, that assumes the possibility that Saimitsu is mistaken or Taicho does not reciprocate my feelings. So for now, I accept our strange office relationship with its quirks and subtleties, but it stops at friendship. If it went any further, I doubt anything would get done in the office due to my ease of distraction when it comes to Kyouraku-Taicho. It is a difficult stratagem, but not one I'm taking recklessly. This course has the least amount of potential damage associated with it. I can only hope severe adherence can help me endure.


	177. let your hair down

I've been so busy this year that it wasn't until a found a few presents on my desk did I realize that it was my birthday. One box, which I assume was from Rangiku, was filled with paper fans. Good. I have a more mobile defense again. It was getting irritating carrying a large book all the time. Though I suppose it's better to have two forms of defense beyond kido. I'd prefer to keep our typical exchanges more discreet and a giant flash of light and energy is no way to maintain that. It's also good to know that Rangiku chose my side this year. Though, I'm not sure if it'll stay that way. I hope so.

There was a new book from the human world. I assume it's from Ukitake-Taicho. He knows we have similar reading tastes. What was unusual this year is that I received a gift from both Miyako-san and Kaien-san, then an individual present from Kaien-san.

The one from both of them was a beautifully framed picture of them, Ukitake-Taicho, Taicho and me. We were sitting by one of the ponds at Ugendo when Ukitake-Taicho was feeling better after a particularly serious relapse. Taicho tried to kiss me right before the picture, oh and after too, but Unohana-Taicho fortunately missed those when she took the picture. That was the time when Kaien-san pushed his wife in and they proceeded to splash each other. Taicho took a picture of that and put it in his album. This is a really good memory. I'm glad they gave me this picture.

With curiosity, I opened the gift from Kaien-san and found a bikini with a print just like Taicho's pink haori. I read the note that it enclosed. "Happy Birthday Nanao-san! This might help convincing him." No doubt he meant the conversation we had awhile back about being soul mates. I threw it in one of my drawers. I bet he was laughing his head off when he got this. Stupid Kaien-san.

Taicho must have left the vase of irises and a rose colored package that contained a lovely hair clip. It was a wooden carving of our division's symbol, a bird of paradise. It was made of a medium color wood so it would contrast against my hair. I couldn't help but smile at it. I took down my hair to put the new clip in. Apparently Taicho had snuck into the office when I did so, which explained the long and low whistle that emanated from the other side of the room. I promptly threw the empty box at him. He started laughing, but at least it was effective since he left.


	178. drunken distractions

I will never tell her this but, Rangiku saved me last night. Shunsui decided he needed to stay in the office while I was working overtime. Not to mention he was overly inebriated. While he prefers being drunk outside, winter already set in so he felt the office was more comfortable for drinking. I really didn't need the distraction with his flirtatious comments and the incessant humming from the office couch.

"Nanaaaaoooooo! What are you still doing here!" Rangiku burst in the door. Glancing up, I saw she had an open sake bottle in her hand and another tucked under her arm.

"I'm doing work here, what else would I be doing?" A devilish look captured her face. She made a quick glance at Shunsui who managed to sit up slightly to look at her.

"I could think a few more entertaining things you could be doing…" She gave a conspiratorial wink.

"Awww Rangiku-san, did you come to drink with me and my kawaii Nanao-chan?" Shunsui drawled out.

"Sorry Kyouraku-san! I'm here to abduct Nanao for a night on the town. We have all sorts of things to catch up on!" Rangiku skipped over to my desk while swaying slightly. She grabbed my elbow and literally dragged me from my office into the cold air. I hardly had time to say good night to Taicho but she took care of that for me.

"G'night Shunsui-kun! I'll make sure I return her to you tomorrow in one piece!" I thought I heard him mumble out "You better… otherwise I might get upset."

Once we made it out from the 8th, Rangiku released me and stuffed the open sake bottle in my hand.

"You look like you need a drink, hun."

"Why would you say that, Ran?"

"I dunno. Somethin' about your reiatsu and the look on your face."

"Well thanks, I think you're right."

"Course I am! Now, why haven't you started drinking, Na-na-o-chaaaan?"

"Out here? Can we at least get to a sake house or something?"

"Ifff that's what you waaaant!" Rangiku linked arms with me as we walked to her favorite place. She swayed a bit on the way there. "So what about Kyouraku-san has got you down this time?"

"I don't know. I'm concerned I never had any choice in falling in love with him."

"I know what you mean. I don't think I had one." We both sighed. "Well you know what my solution is?" I looked to see her face. "Get roaringly drunk!" Then she burst into giggled. I could only smile.

And get drunk we did. I hardly remember leaving the bar with Ran and getting back to my quarters. Fortunately I wasn't as hung-over as the first time I really went out drinking with Rangiku. It certainly kept me from thinking about Shunsui all of today. I was too busy dealing with a pounding headache.


	179. sweet favor

Kaien-san burst into my office today. Why can't anyone just walk in? He was glancing around frantically, almost as if someone was going to come after him any moment.

"Nanao-san! You need to help me." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Why do I need to?"

"I ate all of Miyako's favorite candies. I was just snacking on them while I was doing budget stuff and then they were all gone! They're so rare, too! She's going to have my head if she finds me, so you need to save me!" He ended up in a weird position in front of my desk: kneeling on the floor, his elbows propped up on the edge of my desk with his hands clasped together. I've never see him like this before. "Please, Nanao-san! I did this once before and it's way scarier than Unohana-Taicho when she's angry!"

I found that both amusing and frightening. I didn't believe an individual that puts Unohana-Taicho to shame when it comes to scare tactics ever existed. If Kaien-san is to be trusted, this apparently was an urgent matter.

"Get up." I commanded my friend and colleague. He looked up with hopeful eyes. "Follow me." I strode out to the front and started shunpoing with him close behind. I had several ideas of where to take him, all of which were some of Taicho's favorite hiding spots. I decided to pick one he didn't frequent and that I always had difficulty finding.

It was far into the countryside. A waterfall drowned out noises that would alert someone's presence to the outside. If you crept in behind the waterfall, you could hear anyone approaching the small cave. Kaien-san sat down on a rock and leaned back against the wall of the cave. He let out a sigh that lasted for ages.

"Whewwww, I owe you big time for this, Nanao-san! And to think of poor Kuchiki-san when my beloved wife ends my life! She'll be so upset at losing her beloved fukutaicho!"

I knew the feeling. I was distraught when Yadamaru-fukutaicho was gone. I also know the loss of a close subordinate like Kaiko-san… Kaien-san looked up and gave me a knowing glance. He stretched his arms and legs. I sat down next to him.

"I would have tried to weasel my way out of it, but I figured even if I told her that I was ready to seriously try starting a family, it would fall on deaf ears. She adores those stupid candies!" I was a bit surprised at his comment.

"You're going to start a family?"

"She brought it up awhile ago, but I wasn't sure about it. I'm sure the 13th would love to have a little kid like me running around the main office all the time." I smiled at him. They already had one running around.

"I'm sure the 8th won't mind visits, either." I offered. He chuckled in return. "No, no, you get your own. I'm sure if you ask Kyouraku-Taicho nice enough he'd be more than willing." His tone was rather suggestive. He broke out laughing at my dismay.

"You aren't implying what I think you are…" I nearly demanded.

"Oh, yes I am, Nanao-san. Maybe when you have your own little one we could talk about play dates between our kids." Kaien-san sighed with a dream-like expression. "I wonder if they'll get married when they get older…"

"How do you know they're going to be opposite genders?"

"Easy. I'm going to have a handsome and strong son and you and Kyouraku-san will have an adorable little daughter!"

I shoved his shoulder.

"Baka, you're dreaming impossible dreams." I stood up.

"How do you know?" He dropped all jest and looked at me seriously. "Try it sometime, I thought it was impossible to marry Miyako. Give it a serious thought and effort. Then it's not so impossible." I sighed heavily and turned to leave.

"You're impossible. Just like Shunsui is." I paused mid step and realized my mistake in my form of referring to my superior officer. Kaien-san's sniggers reached my ears. I huffed and continued out.

"That's all the help you're getting! Go ahead and suffer your wife's wrath. It's what you get for speaking seriously of such ridiculous conjectures."

"Good to see you too, Nanao-san!"

I reached my office and sat down with a huff. Why did Kaien-san always say things like those? It muddles my thoughts too much. But before I could get lost in them, a knock sounded from the door. I looked up and saw the 13th's 3rd seat standing there. She had an aura of gentleness as always, but there was something churning in the undercurrents.

"Nanao-fukutaicho."

"Miyako-san, what can I do for you?" I smiled like the devil internally. I knew exactly why.

"I was wondering if you had seen my husband recently. I need to speak with him about something urgent." If I had less control I'd be laughing like Kaien-san would at my expense, but I am professional. I could get him back for being childish after I helped him. Yet I am a better friend than that.

"I'm sorry, Miyako-san, unfortunately I haven't seen Kaien-fukutaicho. I've been busy with the 8th's budget all afternoon. Sorry that I could not be more assistance to you." Miyako-san's smile turned to something frigid and horrific while still maintaining its angelic touch.

"Thank you for your troubles." She bowed slightly and left, taking the dark pressure from the office with her.

He was right, she is scarier than Unohana-Taicho, but not by much. Kaien-san, I pray for your safety!


	180. our time is short

I wish I hadn't phrased that promise to keep the secret of Saimitsu's words the way I did. Had I known that Kaien-san would see his grave so soon, I would have asked another way. Ukitake-Taicho came into the office this morning with an unusually dark air about him.

"Nanao-san, can you get Kyouraku and bring him back here?" He looked drained, lifeless and pale. It almost seemed as though he had a relapse recently. I got up quickly to get to Shunsui's quarters. Once I left the office, I shunpoed to Taicho's door.

"Taicho! Ukitake-Taicho is in the office. He wants you there. He doesn't seem to be feeling well either."

I heard some scrambling from inside and the door flung open. After blinking, I saw a bare chest in front of me. I wanted to just touch it, but I knew I shouldn't. On second thought:

"Taicho! Put some more clothes on!" I pushed his chest hard so he'd move back into his quarters.

"But this sounds urgent!"

"If it were that urgent, Ukitake-Taicho would have come straight here."

"Yare, yare. You'd think I'm hideous the way you want me clothed." No, I just want to be able to think in his presence, that's all.

"No, Taicho. I would like it if a wake of chaos didn't follow you like it usually does when you're attire is lacking in quantity." He rubbed his eyes a bit.

"Hai, Hai." He returned in a few moments with the entirety of his uniform on. He forewent his white and pink haoris. We made our way back to the office where Ukitake-Taicho had taken a seat on the couch.

"Ukitake, what brings you here at this hour?" I turned to leave the two captains.

"Nanao-san, you need to hear this, too." I stopped and moved to stand near the couch. Ukitake ran his hand through his hair. Taicho sat down next to Ukitake-Taicho.

"How do I start…? Late last night, Miyako-san's observation squad was obliterated. After she was recovered and when he saw her, Kaien was livid. I let him go after it. Kuchiki Rukia and I accompanied him. He asked to fight it alone and I let him…" Ukitake-Taicho paused and shook is head sadly. "I never saw him fight so vehemently. Kuchiki-san rushed to help him when the hollow dissolved his zanpakuto. He was fighting for his pride, Miyako-san's pride, our division's pride." Pride for Kaien-san shone behind the sadness in Ukitake-Taicho's eyes. "The foul thing went and possessed him. I attempted to fight it but I relapsed." His fist clenched. "It went for Kuchiki-san, but fell on her sword. Kaien's consciousness surfaced long enough to thank both of us. She's a ragged mess right now."

He heaved a heavy sigh. I slowly sat on the floor where I was standing. Kaien and Miyako were dead? I was in such shock. Taicho placed a hand on Ukitake-Taicho's shoulder. We sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"I'm going back to the 13th. I haven't told the division yet. I always hate this sort of meeting. They were so well liked too…" Ukitake stood up. "Sorry to bear such horrible news and start your day like this, but I should stay at the division for the day."

"You feeling alright?" Kyouraku-Taicho's question had a double meaning.

"Ah, I'll manage." With that, he left. I just couldn't bring myself to get up. Shunsui sat there for a while too. He looked at me with a sad look in his eyes.

"Take today off, Nanao-chan. Find Rangiku-san and spend some time with her." I felt that this was a day I wouldn't protest his request.

"Hai, Taicho." I still sat there. I really didn't feel the need to get up. After all, my head still felt it was spinning from the news. Taicho cocked his head to the side and got up. He came over, took my hands and helped me up. I stared at the ground. I realized that he was still holding my hands. I let them slip from his. I feel so empty. Finally, I left for my quarters before heading over to Rangiku's office. She'll be good company today.

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry! I don't have a choice about this matter! I didn't want Kaien to die either! It makes me sad every time I read this chapter! He had so much life left in him! :'-( And I'm sorry I'm very inconsistent with the updating. This is something that always is on my To Do List though. :-P


	181. the aching pain

I didn't look up at Taicho when he entered the office.

"Nanao-chan, you need to stop working. You need to eat and sleep."

I ignored him. I was working so the pain couldn't anchor itself in my head. His footsteps approached my desk. "Please? Would you eat at least?" I finally looked up. His eyes were full of concern. "We already lost one fukutaicho recently; I don't want to lose mine, too."

"Is that so you don't have to go back to doing paperwork again?" I prefer anger to sadness. He may have been genuine, but I try anything to not go back down that dark path of grief again. I sprung out of my seat.

"Nanao-chan-"

"So you don't have to go back to when Yadamaru-fukutaicho was gone again and everything was a mess!" I moved to leave the office and got past Taicho.

"Nanao-"

"Why…? Why do they leave me?" The sadness finally won out by the time I reached the door. I hadn't mourned for Kaien-san and Miyako-san yet. Hot tears began to roll down my cheeks.

"Nanao-chan." Taicho came over and just hugged me. "I haven't left you."

"But what's keeping you from being the next one? What's keeping me from being left alone?" I couldn't help but sob. He released me enough to scoop me up in his arms and sit both of us down on the couch. If it had been any other time I would have objected to sitting in his lap in the office like that, but I needed the comfort desperately.

"I'll stay, Nanao-chan. Someone needs to be here to remind you to eat, to sleep and to feel." I clutched the front of his uniform and just sobbed into his chest. Taicho gently took my glasses off my nose and placed them on the armrest of the couch. He held my about my shoulder and waist and rested his cheek on my forehead while I just cried. After I quieted a bit he finally whispered to me.

"It'll be fine Nanao-chan. Kaien-kun always believed that you leave your heart with someone else when you die. He gave it to Rukia-chan and Ukitake. We carry it too." I just rest my head against him in response. I sensed Rangiku's presence pop in the doorway and quickly left to return and leave once more. I peered up to see that she had left a glass of water with Taicho for me. He handed it to me to drink. He petted my hair with his other hand,

"Please, I don't want to go through this again. Will you take better care of yourself? Or at least let me take care of you?"

"Hai…"

"Good. 'Cause I would miss you." He gently kissed my forehead. Today I allowed it. Kaien-san would be teasing me relentlessly if he had been here to see it. Maybe he's trying to get us together even beyond the grave. That thought hurt. Taicho's right though; Kaien-san will live on in our hearts and memories.


	182. stagnant waters

I took at the mission dossier that came up this month. There was a yearlong assignment in a quiet town in a farm setting. I presume that there won't be too much activity there, so it would make it much simpler to convince Taicho to let me take it. I really need to get away from the office. My life has gotten into a circular rut. Taicho is relentless in his baseless flirtations. I've found renewed will power and purpose to deflect and discredit his behavior.

This could be a good opportunity to clear my head and spend some quality time with Saimitsu. Ever since I discovered the history of my soul, Saimitsu has been changing ever so slightly. He acts less like Taicho and more like I would when I'm comfortable with myself. Taicho would probably call that the wild side of me.

I've had shikai for such a long time at this point and it seems as though we've been at a standstill. I feel like I'm getting left behind. Many of our more recent additions to the division have already obtained shikai. Yet it seems that while I've been here at shikai all these years, others are making much steadier and greater progress than me. I may progress in spurts, but even so, I'm more than overdue for one. I'm tempted to blame my personal problems of having knowledge of my previous life. In essence is it a personal problem since my soul is the source of my abilities.

I want to grow again. Being qualified as a kido master is nothing to sneeze at, but I don't want to give up there.

I'm debating about getting all the paperwork for the year long mission taken care of without telling Taicho. He would be upset if left without telling him. He'd be upset if I went without asking him too. I hope it's more because he cares about me and my safety than he does about getting the work done around the office. I know he doesn't care about the work. No, he cares about my safety, he's made that clear over the years.

I'll have to have my argument solid for when I tell Taicho I'm taking it.


	183. overprotective

I feel sorry for anyone who came by the office this afternoon. It's a rare occasion when Taicho and I have anything more than bickering. This reached the level of heated argument. With projectiles. I originally decided to start with a formal approach. Apparently, it would not end that way.

"Taicho, I request permission to take a prolonged mission in the human world." There, straightforward and concise.

"How prolonged is this mission, darling Nanao-chan?" I internally cringed at the slightly tense vibe in his voice.

"It would last a year and I would leave in two weeks."

"Not have my lovely fukutaicho around for an entire year? Absolutely not." It was strange contradiction between the lightness of his voice and the darkness of his words.

"It's not as if the duties of my office will not be completed. I would prepare several of the lower seats on the appropriate paperwork and training schedules over the next fortnight." I knew that wasn't what he was concerned about.

"I said no, Nanao-chan." I hate his overbearing protectiveness at times. This was one of them.

"May I ask why, Kyouraku-Taicho?"

"You can ask." He thinks being aloof can get him out of this. Ok, being nice and formal was not going anywhere.

"I demand an answer why you will not let me go."

"Because I said so." His voice was firmer.

"Are you saying that I could not carry out the mission?"

"I haven't said a thing like that." He got a bit defensive.

"But your response insinuates your lack of confidence in my abilities. Have I sat in this office for as long as I have just to be a secretary?" My voice rose.

"Nanao-chan, you don't need to go on a mission for any reason. You're great at your office."

"Don't try to get out of this through flattery!" I threw an inkwell at him. He dodged and stared back at me.

"I'm serious, you've done great things for the 8th and have earned respect from all of us. You've become the authority when it comes to anything administrative."

"So my Zanpakuto is just for show? My only weapon is supposed to be a brush and ink?"

"I didn't say you were useless in the field." I threw a book at him this time.

"Well it definitely sounded like you thought I was useless anywhere but this office here!"

"I don't doubt your abilities, Ise-fukutaicho! I just rather you didn't go on a mission on your own!" I don't remember him calling me that before, nor using such authoritative and loud language.

"Well, I can't just sit around to assuage your fears!"

"I might just go and order you to!" He took a few steps towards my desk. I don't remember when I stood up, but I was standing there shaking in anger.

"Do you know how it feels to sit and waste away in the same routine everyday? Saitmitsu is supposed to sit here waiting for the end of time to be useful? Am I supposed to relinquish the ability to challenge myself and grow and become better than I am? All because you fear losing a subordinate, especially one so close to you!" The tension melted from his face into a sad realization.

"I never knew you felt that way, Nanao-chan." The anger melted away from me too. I stood there heaving and his shoulders slumped. I asked him in a much quieter voice.

"I know you don't want me to get hurt, but how am I supposed to get stronger and better serve you and the division if I can't challenge myself? Making sure I come home in one piece to not worry you is a great motivator for getting stronger." His eyes softened and he let out a long sigh.

"I'll make you a deal. If you come back with even a scratch on you, you'll go to dinner with me." I met his gaze and it was filled with his typical jocular look. I allowed myself a small but determined smile.

"Deal." His grin is always attractive. He turned and went to leave, but looked over his shoulder first.

"I'll miss you, Nanao-chan. Come home safe."

"I'm not leaving yet, Taicho. And the mission is in the middle of nowhere too. I chose it with you in mind."

"Thanks, love." Why did it feel that he was trying to let go before I even left? Why did he call me that? He never called me that before. My accelerated heartbeat was from our argument. Not from that term of endearment. Not from that at all.

I promise myself I'll return home safe so he doesn't wear the same pain I saw on his face when Yadamaru-fukutaicho left. I couldn't bear being the cause of that expression.

Now, I need to be off making plans for getting the division squared away before I go abroad.

* * *

A/N: I feel so proud of myself. I used the word fortnight :-P


	184. anticipation

These past two weeks have gone by so quickly. I've trained all of the seats that I chose to take care of the paperwork while I'm gone. Tatsufusa-san will be in charge of combat practice while I'm out. Taicho has been both really close and distant since I told him about the mission. It's almost as if he wants to make the most out of every moment until I leave, but doesn't want to get too close in case I don't come home. It was starting to get frustrating living in this uncomfortable paradox.

Rangiku made me promise to bring back some great souvenirs for both her and her "kawaii Taicho-kun." I have a feeling that he would encase her in ice if he ever heard her say that. I will admit he is rather tolerant of her, but he is very clear that he wants to be referred to by his title. Either way, I'll see what's around town and pick out something that reminds me of both of them. Maybe I'll get an apology present for Taicho, too. I have no intention of losing a drop of blood on this mission, so I'll compensate for his loss of dinner. Hopefully he won't whine too much about it.

I'm excited to go on an extended mission. It's been so long since I've been on an prolonged one. Saimitsu is excited to get some practice in too. But I better get some sleep before I depart first thing tomorrow morning.


	185. settled in

I've finally settled into my accommodations in town. I acquired a small room above the local grocer where I work for food. I've never been this hungry before. Usually I spend most days at my desk without too much activity. Yet being on active rounds of the town has certainly increased my appetite.

The owner of the grocer has picked up on my love of coffee and makes certain that there is always an adequate stock of the delicious beverage for me. He is a quiet but older man. He lost his wife years ago to a terrible illness. He has a daughter that married a young professional from the city and visits once a year. Everyone in the town respects him, which is part of the reason I felt he would be a good employer.

I've been gone for about 6 weeks now. It's strange not being able to feel the warm hum of Taicho's reiatsu somewhere nearby. I still feel it as though it's a world away, since it is, but the distance makes me feel a bit cold inside.

There are several unmarried young men in town. They were very excited to see an unwed young woman start working at the grocer's. I have declined all of their romantic overtures and advances rather easily. I've had decades of practice in that skill. I've had to refine it slightly since there are multiple men vying for my attention and they aren't Taicho.

I never thought I would be in such a situation. Shinigami men usually do not pursue me in any other fashion than professional. I suppose that is due to Taicho's unyielding flirtation, driving off any man that would dare think of coming near me. It's a good thing I haven't developed romantic emotions towards anyone other than Taicho, otherwise I believe I would feel responsible for their sudden and mysterious disappearance.

Wait, no, no admitting to romantic emotions towards Taicho. I haven't seen him in a month and a half and he's still on my mind.

Poor vegetables are going to suffer unwarranted wrath while I try to eradicate these stupid thoughts from my head while stock them before dinner.


	186. dull ache within

Saimitsu has been becoming more powerful and more responsive with all the training we've been doing over the past 5 months. We've really become better synchronized from all the hollow patrols and training we've undergone. This mission has definitely been worth it already.

I still can't shake that cold feeling in my chest. I'm aware of his absence all the time. It's grown to be a dull ache that follows me from the moment I wake up to the time I fall asleep. I wonder if this is what other shinigami feel being separated from those close to them for extended periods of time. Or if it is a side effect of having a soul mate? If it is a result to being apart from my soul mate, is this how I lived my previous lives? Did each of my past selves go on with this frozen emptiness inside for their whole life? Does Shunsui feel this too right now? Then wouldn't he have felt whole again when I came to the 8th? Would he feel whole again when I come home? Did he feel it when I first joined the 8th so many decades ago?

If that is the case, how aware of this is he? He must be on a somewhat unconscious level. He certainly spends a good deal of attention on me against better reason, so there must be some driving force for that behavior. I don't think he is aware of our connection as I am since I'm sure he would be spouting something like "We're meant for each other" or some other cliché and dramatic proclamation of love.

I hope it's the more simple explanation that I have fallen in love with the fool and my heart misses him and his presence, as sad as it is for me admitting that. Yet I prefer it to the soul mate option.

I hope there are some decent hollows out tonight. I need something to distract me for a while.


	187. extended reservations

Today was rather unusual. I was nearing the end of my year long stay in the human world and thought it was a bit of relief knowing that I would be returning home soon. Yet a messenger from the 1st division appeared at my residence through the window this morning. He indicated that his message originally from Central 46.

I've never even heard of this sort of occurrence of receiving messages from Central 46 while on a long term mission. Apparently, the 12th Division is predicting a large influx of hollow activity in my stationed area for the next two years. While normally they would send someone new, my performance here has been remarked as exceptional. My chest swelled slightly at the unexpected and high praise. They stationed more shinigami to the surrounding area, but I would maintain my post. After he had finished, I had a few questions lingering.

"Has Kyouraku Taicho been informed of this?"

"Kyouraku Taicho does not have any say in this matter." I grew a little frustrated at his implication of me trying to pull strings to be excused from the mission.

"That was not my question. Has he been informed that my one year long mission has increased to three year long mission so that he can make proper arrangements for my extended absence?" I bit that out rather coldly. To my covert satisfaction, the messenger shifted uncomfortably in his kneeling position in response.

"He has."

"Do you have anything else?"

"No ma'am."

"Thank you, you may return."

I turned to Saimitsu. "Ready for more practice?"


	188. exhausted ponderings

The 12th was certainly correct in their hollow forecast. I've either been too busy with the increased hollow activity, trying to earn money for food at the grocers or too exhausted to do anything else. It's helped with keeping my mind from wandering towards the division and its captain, but I really am starting to become homesick. I never thought I would truly miss that man's stupid advances. It's almost a game we play which has become routine. He flirts in any manner possible and I come up with new ways to rebuff him. It doesn't mean I don't have my favorites. My fan is by far my favorite. It's the most convenient and discreet.

I would have loved to see how Taicho would act seeing the local men attempting to get my attention. The grocer has gotten a bit of influx of young men buying more fruits and vegetables in order to have an excuse to come see me. I think it's rather cute of them, but they are decades too young for me. Plus they are human and I'm a shinigami, which is a whole other problem to begin with.

I could see Taicho having a sake or two with them, putting his arm around their shoulders like old friends, then whispering some veiled threat or challenge that would make them wary of seeming anything more than friendly towards me. They probably would like to run from the place as fast as they could, but with his arm around them and the look in his eyes, they would stand there rooted to the ground, fearing if they took one false step, their life would take a dark turn for the worse.

One thing I noticed with seeing so many hollows is their masks. They're so different. I wonder what influences their shape and color manifestations. Is it reflective of their soul or personality? Is it similar to a shinigami's zanpakuto and their individuality? Or what about Menos Grande? Hollows can merge to create a more powerful being. They aggregate into a whole. Then they lose their individuality. Yet I've read about even stronger hollows that regain that individuality again…

Ugh, I'm too tired to be thinking about all of this. I should just go straight to bed.


	189. homecoming

I was excited to come home. I caught myself in the last few months of my mission counting the days until my return. I never thought I would be happy about my return to my desk and office, but that's how my final days felt like in the human world.

I wasn't the only one happy about my return home. I hardly got in the gate before I was suffocated by someone. I was surprised that it wasn't Rangiku. Once I realized it was Taicho, I put on my most steely gaze and started a kido spell in my hands since I couldn't access my fan at the moment.

"Taicho, release me."

"But Naaaanaaaaaoooo-chaaaaan! I haven't seen you in three years! I missed you sooo muuuuch."

"I guess the paperwork got too much for you then." He pulled back at the insult, while moving his hands to my shoulders to hold me at arm's length. Ah, his fake hurt smile, I missed that.

"That's not why I missed you, Nanao-chan!" I snorted in indignation.

"What about dinner, Nanao-chan? We have three times as much to catch up on!" he started muttering about "stupid Central 46 keeping his Nanao-chan away from him so long." I fought to keep a smile off my lips. It felt as if I never left.

"Ah, Taicho, you said only if I came back with a scratch on me. First off, you have no means of comparison between before and after my mission, nor would I ever let you check if I have any in the first place." I was treading on dangerous grounds. "So, I do not owe you dinner." He pouted. I smiled inwardly at his antics. I escaped his hold before he could say anything more.

"I'm going to check to make sure that the office is still there. I worried that you might burn it down with all the paperwork in frustration."

"So mean, Nanao-chan!" He quickly followed me back into the office whining. I looked in briefly to find everything in place before I turned abruptly to go to my own quarters. My vision was filled with the chest of one Kyouraku Taicho. I looked up to see him smiling softly at me.

"I really did miss you, Nanao-chan" He moved his hand to cradle my face. I whipped out my fan. Poor thing hasn't been used in three years. The crack against his skin made me smirk.

"Don't call me that." I demanded in return. I quickly brushed past him back to my room with a smile on my face.

It was good to be home.


	190. a little off

It took some time to get back into the swing of being back in Seireitei. Of course , it took a while to catch up with events of significance. I am still in shock that there actually were reports for me to read when I returned, let alone reports that were concise and informative. Turns out the 12th had a few mishaps, but the 8th escaped unscathed from those incidents. Inwardly I smiled at pride at our division. I'm glad they can handle themselves well, even without me around.

But even thought everything seems the same, something changed since I was gone. I've finally settled in properly and have had time to really reflect on the difference between my experiences before, during and after my mission. It wasn't how people treated me. Everyone has been pleased with me returning. If anything, I believe I have been treated with a bit more politeness and respect than I was before my mission. I wonder if they respect that I was able to hold my own on a long term mission. Either way, it has made running the administrative side of the division much easier since I didn't need to force officers to get their paperwork to me on time.

Taicho quickly reverted to his teasing and flirtatious manner. I shouldn't have found that surprising at all. Yet there was something intangible that changed. I don't believe it was more sincerity in his actions towards me. That was hardly possible, especially for a man like him. Could it be the intensity his personality had in my presence? Maybe he was making up for lost time. The possibility that he might have felt the same aching absence these past few years could have some merit to it. It's difficult to develop an alternative theory that would be plausible. Yes, it could have been that he missed me in the normal sense, but that wouldn't necessarily have changed this undercurrent I'm sensing.

It could be something entirely different, like that he was reminded how much he detests administrative work and is currently trying to keep me from ever leaving like that again. That idea has more credibility. Though, if my opinion were asked on the matter, not that they would, the intensity is rather unnerving. It would be nice if things were just the same. But then again, maybe if they were the same, I would feel disappointed and I would perceive that I did not make any progress in the past three years. That would leave me more frustrated and more likely to attempt something of this caliber again. He could possibly know this, maybe not consciously, but either way, it's probably better that things aren't the same.

Or maybe I've disregarded the most obvious answer to this change. The only common factor in all of this is me. It makes the most sense that I am the one who changed. With that change, my perception of my environment and my relationships have changed as well. It only makes sense. Does that mean that Taicho's behavior really is the same? Or does it mean that it feels more intense?

After glancing out of my window, I realize that I really should get to bed soon. I scheduled a rigorous officer training which starts first thing tomorrow morning, which includes our ridiculous leader as well. I wanted to see how well everyone has progressed in the past few years, so I am aware of any changes for reference when assigning missions. I probably have to get up earlier to get him out of bed, so if I wish to get a decent amount of sleep I should retire for the night now. Maybe tomorrow will help sort out some of these thoughts.


	191. hey, soul sister

A/N: Ohh an author's note at the beginning, this is rare of me! But I felt that I should let you know this before reading: If you want a gist of Shunsui's perspective here, listen to "Hey, Soul Sister" By Train. I also enjoy the play on words, lol "soul sister." You should be glad I don't do punny humor that makes you groan. This is why I don't do pre-notes, you probably just want to read the chapter.

* * *

I was a cleaning machine today. Spring always puts me in this sort of mood. Taicho usually spends most of his time out and about this time of year, which makes doing things in the office much simpler. I put some music on an old record player and actually found myself dancing as I cleaned. It was soothing. The music, a winter's worth of dust leaving, things being returned to their place. A part of me felt a bit pathetic enjoying this chore so much after my extended absence. Though, maybe I needed it to really feel like I'm back home again.

I was so caught up in the mundane task that I didn't notice I had an audience until I heard Taicho speak.

"I knew my Nanao-chan had another side she keeps hidden away. Every new bit I learn about her is always exciting."

I spun around with the duster in my hand. Taicho was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. The afternoon light framed his tall figure. I really didn't know what to say. It was hard to think of something when he appeared to be serious in his compliments for once. A smile crept up to his face. His gaze was soft and magnetic. No wonder I'm in love with the fool. A thought finally came to mind.

"It's good to keep you on your toes. Otherwise you'd get too complacent." The comment lacked my usual sting.

"We can't have that, now can we?" He straightened up to take off both of his haoris and threw them on the couch.

"Would you like a hand, lovely one?" Taicho tossed his hat on top of his haoris. He walked over to me and held out his right hand. I looked at his hand and then back up to his face. He gestured at his hand with his eyes. I have no idea what drove me, but I took it. He pulled me closer and took my right in his left. In a simple quick motion, he placed my left on his shoulder and took the duster from the other to place it on my desk. He took my right in his left and slipped his other onto my waist. I instantly realized this was the closed position used in some western dances I read about ages ago.

"This isn't what I had in mind." I replied skeptically. It was a miracle I hadn't oozed into a pile of mush from the warm contact.

"Do you mind then?" I glared up into his eyes full of laughter. He chuckled quietly. "I'll take it you don't. I would have had a face full of your duster already if you had." From there, we started dancing. I was a bit stiff at first. I had only read about this sort of dancing before. But with a bit of practice, it felt nice dancing with him. The song finally came to an end, resulting his face too close to mine. Slowly, he kissed my forehead.

It's hard to keep my crumbling defenses up against him when he acts like this. We parted and he let his hands slide from their position.

"Now, I really would like to help you. What needs to get done so you can get outside and enjoy this spring evening?" I asked myself if the day could get any better. I also wondered whether or not he was sick, but decided I didn't want to ruin it.

"Well, there is always the paperwork you need to sign, but for something different, could you organize the books up on the top shelf?"

"Anything for my Nanao-chan." I wonder if he is industrious some days to keep me on my toes too. We worked and bantered until dinner.

"Ne, Nanao-chan, you hungry? We should have a picnic in our nice, clean office!"

"No, you'll get it messy." Undeterred, he returned with an alternate offer.

"Would you accompany me to dinner then?" What was with him all of a sudden? It wasn't a good idea. He was doing too much damage to my emotional wall in one afternoon.

"I need to take care of today's paperwork. Thank you for all the help today. If only you'd make it more of a habit, then maybe I'd have more free time." He raised an eyebrow. I dared to tease him a bit too. "Which could include dinner with a certain Taicho."

"You can have dinner with me anytime, my darling Nanao-chaaan!"

"I was referring to Ukitake-Taicho." My iron will fought off the evil smile that wished to emerge. Taicho caught the look in my eyes, though. He heaved a large sigh but smiled nonetheless.

"Always on my toes with you. Suit yourself, though. Ukitake is such a bore compared to your own captain."

"I find his taste in literature much more captivating than yours."

"Now you're just trying to be mean. You like enough of what I read."

"Accusing me of cruelty isn't very nice either, Taicho."

"Yare, yare, I get the point. I'll leave you to your office. If I see you having dinner with Ukitake, there's no telling what I might do. Have a good evening, Nanao-chan." With that, he walked out the office.

Is he pretending to be jealous or was that a serious threat? What did today mean? It was frustrating how today just kicked up all sorts of new thoughts, emotions into conflict with each other in my mind. I'd rather not use these words, but surreal and romantic are the most accurate words to describe the whole encounter. Yet at the same time, he was playful and full of intent. It did not feel like we were playing a game in to office like we usually do. I hardly want to think about the possibility, but what if he really felt the same? What if he saw me as more than just the next chase? Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion in my mind.

That man, somehow he always manages to keep me on my toes.

* * *

A/N: Finally! I've been waiting for this chapter! Yes, I know it's silly that I wait for my own chapters. I usually have a few chapters I'm really inspired about, but it's the chapters that get me from one momentous occasion to another that really stump me.

But here we are! Sorry for those of you on Author Alert, most of my new stuff has been for Skip Beat! recently. I started reading it a few months ago and really got caught up in it.

Bleach's future is somewhat in the air in my own mind. Though I know there is more left, the last chapter had a clear sense of finality to it. Ichigo is a place below what he ever started at. It's essentially where he finds himself blind like the rest of us in a world where he could see and experience every bit of the spectrum. Though it give me hope that we still don't know Nanao's Shikai, which still frustrates me, and Shunsui's Bankai, which I can only hope is something beyond wicked awesome. It's good to know he came back in once piece, so stuff I had originally planned is ok to go forward with. I mean, if he died, there would be a huge problem and I'd have to change all sorts of things around. But now that the arc is over, maybe I can update more! So good news for everyone!

And I want to seriously thank those that have stubbornly put up with me being a failure at updating and those who continue to review! Reviews make me fuzzy inside!


	192. stand a little bit taller

I fully understand that my stature has not changed in decades, but I can't help but feel myself walking a little bit taller these days. Training and practices for the division have taken a new flavor. I'm undeniably more confident with myself and others are starting to notice. That three year mission has been paying off more and more. I still can't believe it's already been a year since I returned.

Before, division members would follow my orders because they were most likely about something administrative, which no one can really deny my expertise and control on that subject. When I gave instruction regarding combat, it seemed as if they only listened out of duty and that Taicho trusted me. Or that they feared the wrath that would follow if I was disobeyed. They didn't see me as a viable or capable leader. Many times, it was made clear that those were the only reasons that existed for possessing the rank that I do.

Now, division members have started to take practice and training more seriously. They possess a hint of enthusiasm in carrying out instruction. In turn, the division has noticeably improved. The seated officers' training has become more competitive yet good-natured simultaneously. It's as if they're starting to challenge each other to better themselves. I wonder if it's because they saw how I challenged myself on a long term solo mission.

I enjoy how division members, especially the more timid ones, have started to seek extra lessons from me. I really hated being the fierce fukutaicho that always has to defend and prove herself worthy of her rank. It's been difficult, not only because of my age, but also of my gender. Of course, SWA proves to be a valuable support group and this discussion has come up time and time again, but simply talking about the issue has not changed the reality of the situation. I've finally taken action and it's been worth it.

It also doesn't help that I have the largest flirt in Seireitei as my direct superior. With him, a thousand other reasons why I couldn't possibly be a capable leader on my own merit spring forth. Yet the renewed confidence I exude to the division has brought all of those reasons into question. The division is starting to see me as a leader in my own merit.

For once, I feel proud that I'm starting to be fukutaicho that people want and look forward to follow, not just out of duty.

* * *

A/N: Usually I don't do this, since I usually forget to include people and if I mention one person, I feel like I need to mention them all (and also I have readers that have followed me for so long, which I cannot fully express how grateful I am to you). I want to thank Breezybiatch. Your simple yet impatient review kicked me into action again. I guess I had forgotten that people still wanted to read TBOIN. Now that life has settled down from moving and taking the god-awful FE exam, I can get back to writing! PS - sorry this is so short!


	193. inspire the woman

Ukitake-Taicho mentioned how impressed he was with the improvements our division has made. Kyoraku-Taicho would compliment them any day, but Ukitake-Taicho wouldn't remark so unnecessarily. I'm so proud of the division. I can really see the growth in confidence in their eyes and in their stance. I've actually had some other vice captains ask for advice to train their troops. It seems as though they're making an impression on the rest of the Gotei 13.

I've had a number of requests, especially from some of the female shinigami, for a long term mission similar to the one I completed a few years ago. Typically, they're not three year assignments as mine became, which actually makes them more attractive for those who want to test and challenge themselves. There has been such a demand for these missions that I've started developing training sessions specifically for those that wish to take long term missions. There was a substantial showing for my pilot session.

I don't want to credit this change to the simple fact that I went on an extended tour of duty and came back with more confidence in myself. That seems too narcissistic. Nothing else has changed with the rest of the division and nothing out of the ordinary has happened within the Gotei 13 either. Kyouraku-Taicho certainly hasn't done anything except visit the practice sessions occasionally. Yet those can hardly be considered visits since he's usually napping. The times he is awake, he's usually watching the women practice, anyways.

I'm happy there have been a number of women seeking extra help. I hope that I can be a role model for them. I hope that I can inspire them the challenge themselves. Or at least, I'll be encouraging them to challenge for seats when they feel they're ready to.

I've always wanted to be an officer that can truly state that their position is out of merit and not of favoritism. While none of my subordinates would say such a thing near me, it doesn't keep anyone from thinking it. And those outside the division besides captains and vice captains only see the unprofessional behavior Kyouraku-Taicho demonstrates so publicly. I like to believe that my subordinates believe in me since they have worked and trained with me, but outside of the division is a different story.

Actually now that I consider it, I've begun to notice that the majority of division members that seek extra practice with me have been male. That's even accounting for the disproportion between male and female shinigami. And thinking further on it, there are a number that don't need the extra tutelage in the areas they requested. Interesting.

I understand that I can attract male attention. It's just a new experience for my place in Seireitei. There were a number of men that tried to gain my acknowledgment while I was in the human world, but that hasn't happened here. Am I more approachable now? Is the confidence to lead my division something that attractive in the male perspective? Or did the experience finally make me seem somewhat older and not just some young book smart girl? Some of them are rather handsome and talented as well, but none so compelling where I would be interested in pursuing something. But still. Interesting.

* * *

A/N: I didn't edit it, but I figured you have been super patient (or not so patient and would like to strangle me), and would like me to update sooner than later (Yes, I know its short too). What took so long was me getting back into the mindset of Nanao and rereading the last 80 chapters of the manga. I might reread my stuff too... Thanks for reading and sticking with me!


	194. strong words

Insufferable. Utterly reprehensible. I can't believe this. Well, actually I can. A few months back, Kyouraku-Taicho spoke with some of our division members that see me regularly for kido practice. I thought nothing of it at the time, but over the course of those few months, fewer division members came for training with me. Since nothing really changed in my training tactics or demeanor, I can only deduce that Taicho said something to make them wary of spending time with me.

They still come to more general training sessions. When I approached them about their one-on-one training with me, the explanations they gave lacked credibility. Some tried convincing me that they felt comfortable with their abilities and don't need the extra practice any more. Others just waved off my question. A few simply lied. A number of them appeared rather panicked when I brought up their change in attendance. I haven't done anything to cause them to fear me. I don't want to be a leader that is feared.

Kyouraku-Taicho must have shared some strong words with them. Why would he say something that would keep our division from improving itself? Does he not see how strong they have become? Hasn't he seen how well they work individually and cooperatively. I've even impressed on them that taking care of division grounds is also part of our duty to our division, to each other and ourselves. The training grounds and barracks have never been so nice before.

Things were going so well.

I'll ask Kyouraku-Taicho what he said to them. I don't want any misunderstandings between anyone. Miscommunication is likely to develop a rift between the division and its fukutaicho is something like this isn't addressed in a timely fashion. I'm not looking forward to this discussion at all. Now I'm riled up. Maybe I'll clean my quarters so I can calm down and get some rest before I confront him on this issue.

* * *

A/N: I wrote the next chapter, but I really do want to edit it, so you'll get it tomorrow. I had work myself to get angry enough to write it. And I shouldn't be angry when I edit.


	195. fire and ice

I can hardly hold my pen. I'm still shaking. I was never this angry before. I never yelled like this before. I never reeled in my anger just as quickly either. My head is so clouded with all of this anger and frustration that it's difficult to think clearly.

Sometimes, I wonder if Kyouraku-Taicho knows when I am intending to speak with him about something important. It's usually a few days before I'll see him in the office after I decide to bring up something. And the day he finally comes in, he never comes in around his usual time in the mid to late morning. He strolls in the office much later in the day. I hate it. I hate it since I spend all day thinking about whatever it is I want to discuss. But on those days, I throw myself at my administrative duties and usually make a few weeks headway in the paperwork. I hate how I'm more productive at times like that. It allows him to delay the inevitable but for me it's just a nuisance. I want to get the issues out of my head or off my desk but no, he has to drag everything out.

I'm usually so wound up by the time that he leisurely walks in, I'm ready to pounce on the subject.

"Kyouraku-Taicho." He flops down on the couch. I fight to keep my eyebrow from twitching at his nonchalance.

"Mmm, yes, Nanao-chan?" He reclines and tilts his sakkat over his eyes as if he's getting ready to take a nap. I wonder if he does it to irk me. I'm sitting here waiting to address something and he's almost waving it off before I say a word.

"What did you say to the officers that were receiving one-on-one lessons from me?" I tried to remain calm.

"I told them 'good work', Nanao-chan." He settled in deeper to the couch.

"Then why are some of them afraid to look at me now?" I rose from my chair.

"I'm not sure why, Nanao-chan. Have you asked them?"

"I can't since they either deflect the question elsewhere, or promptly remove themselves elsewhere." My voice rose slightly. It was embarrassing the few times that one of our subordinates nearly ran off when I approached him. Kyouraku-Taicho peeked out from under his hat. "I ask again, what did you say to the division members that have caused them to be wary of my presence, especially on a one-on-one basis?"

"They were wasting your time, Nanao-chan. They didn't need the extra help from you. They were faking poor skills just to spend time with you." He shifted so he was sitting on the couch instead, still peering out from under his sakkat.

"Wasting my time? Isn't that my call? Shouldn't I be the one to determine whether or not I spend my time teaching them? Shouldn't I also be the one that determines if they need help since my supervisor doesn't spend much time training his subordinates?"

His eyes widened and he finally took off that stupid hat.

"Nanao-chan, but there are others that need your help and time too…" That hit a nerve. He stood up and walked towards my desk. He was about to continue, but I cut him off. He was probably going to make it into some stupid joke about him wanting my time and help, which he already gets enough of at this point. And I didn't want to hear it.

"Yes, and they have come to see me already, but now have stopped since a number of the seated officers no longer feel the need for extra practice. They're following their example of no longer seeking help and self improvement. The other division members noticed that the officers stopped seeing Ise-fukutaicho. The question of why that is lingers in their minds. Is it because she is no longer capable of teaching? Did something happen where she can't help anymore or doesn't want to? If they don't get extra assistance anymore, does that mean I won't get help either? So what does it matter that they are sufficient in their skills? Does that mean the division should stop improving and challenging itself?" My voice steadily grew in force to the point where I bit off that last part. That last part was something I've been experiencing too much.

"But those men, Nanao-chan, they had ill intentions." Even more unbelievable. Is this what this whole thing is about? I rounded my desk to stand in front of him.

"What about them, Kyouraku-Taicho? Why do I always need to be protected and suffocated? I know they had some ulterior motives getting extra training time from me. Just because they didn't need the help doesn't mean that they don't need the practice. And what's wrong with me getting male attention? It was a nice change when men in the real world noticed me and paid me compliments without fear of their lives."

"But I do that all the time!" What a pitiful whine!

"Like that hardly counts when you don't mean it and compliment everything feminine! And then I come back to Seireitei and find that more people want to spend time with me. People actually appreciate my presence and my own talents for once. I finally feel like I am deserving of my rank and fill it with my own merit."

"Nanao-chan... That's not what people think." Before I knew it, my left hand slapped him. My whole body shuddered with anger. My voice dropped like the temperature in the room. Hitsugaya-san's demeanor was summer compared to this.

"You know full well that isn't true. I have fought tooth and nail to get to this point and with a word from you, everything shatters. If you don't want a fukutaicho that is invested in the members of the division, then that's what you'll get."

I left him there stunned. I made my way to my quarters to pick up my journal and removed myself to somewhere far, far away from the eighth. While I felt comfortable at that lovely sakura tree that looks like my inner world, it would be a place where he would look, if he decides to. The library would have been an excellent choice, but escape routes are much more limited. I chose a place outside of Seireitei in the lower foothills in the East. I clamped down my reiatsu like never before and actually created a few kido barriers as well. I did not want to be found.

Every bit of professionalism was disgusted at my actions. Yet that was nothing compared to the disgust and now silent fury at my superior's actions for throwing away the improvements our division has made. My chest was simultaneously burning and frozen over in anger. It's not like everyone can just laze about all day and be considered one of the strongest captains in Seireitei. The rest of us need to work and practice to better ourselves and make sure everything is in working order. I've always known Kyouraku-Taicho had no regard to normal duties, but he never impeded anything deliberately. It always took extra cajoling for him to do work, but in the end he would always get it done. This was just going too far.

On a more personal note: I was finally someone that I wanted to be. I was proud of what I had become. But being a vice captain, or shinigami at that, is not about pride or honor. Though I don't believe that means that my superior officer has a right to trample on the pride at doing good work. I thought I finally escaped being the little girl of the division. Other started seeing me as an equal. At least, an equal in combat. The title of "supreme paper pusher" has always been mine, but it wasn't fulfilling as a shinigami. Shinigami protect what needs protecting, which might mean fighting. That was always something that I felt a deficiency in, but I had changed that. Others saw that change too.

But apparently this isn't what Kyouraku-Taicho wants me to be. I can't be who I want to be like this. He was always the one who was encouraging me to be more social. What a hypocrite.

I feel so drained now. Part of that might be the silent tears that started running down my face. I felt like I was worth something to be proud of and Kyouraku-Taicho destroyed it with being so overprotective.

Everything inside tells me that I want to skip work tomorrow, but I can't do that. I will give Taicho the cold-hearted administrative machine I've always been since he obviously does not appreciate the more approachable self I've discovered. He will get a fukutaicho dedicated to her duties, nothing more.

* * *

A/N: I had to read lots of fluff to not be angry before I went to bed after writing this. Oh, and it was her left hand because the right brain is more emotional and has a better grip on negative emotions. Something like that happened where I used my left impulsively when I'm a righty.

Ugh, stupid Shunsui.


	196. ice age

I refuse. I will not relent to the torrent of groveling from my insolent superior.

I continued training sessions as I had before. As expected, attendance dwindled. The division is getting careless and regretfully sloppy. The cohesiveness and improvements we've made are likely to revert to their previous state as well. It as if the world around me and everything I had worked for was collapsing. Internally, I sigh at the inevitability. I've considered other options, but really, what can I do when my captain tells my subordinates to stay away from me? How can I tell them they can still seek training if they avoid me? How am I supposed to fix this when Kyouraku-Taicho essentially told the other officers that their opinion and respect for me was out of line?

Kyouraku-Taicho tipped a delicately balanced scale out of the favor of the division and myself to satisfy his need to overbear and protect me. He's made it clear in the past that he's aware that I'm no longer a little girl, he doesn't understand that I have self-preservation skills, both in the office and in the field. And it's not as if they're trying to hurt me in either way.

It almost seems that he did this out of jealousy. The thought was ridiculous when it first entered my mind. I couldn't deny how well the pieces seemed to fit, though. It was the male officers that he spoke to, not the few female ones we have. The few male officers that still have the courage to speak to me do so strictly in a professional manner, not in the more casual way we had developed. It was a comfortable sort of casual, nothing with overly romantic undertones as Kyouraku-Taicho assumed was the nature of our exchanges. And ever since I snapped and shut down my emotions, Taicho has been endeavoring to regain some of the rapport we've developed. Jealousy, as strange as it seems, is the best explanation for Taicho's motivating factor for his actions.

If that is the case, I find it opprobrious. It's the epitome of hypocritical that a man who has women constantly hanging off of him feels that he can tell a woman he feels he needs to protect or feels responsible for, that they cannot associate with other men. What makes him special that he can associate with as many women as he does and disreputable women at that? What allows him to turn around from the situation and dictate who I spend time with? So what if they may be interested in me? If disregarding a few flirtatious comments means a better division, then I'm willing to put up with it. Kami knows I've put up with that behavior for decades already.

I don't understand why he would be that jealous. It isn't as if he has made a serious attempt at gaining my attention as a female. He treats me like every other woman he sees. If I get any more attention than the next woman, it's because he's around me more. And any of him comments lack any sort of sincerity. There was that one time he danced with me in the office, but I honestly think he was a bit feverish that day and possibly not thinking correctly.

I still think he's feverish if all these stupid things he's doing will patch up the situation we're in. I torched another bouquet of flowers this morning. My desk is a place of work, not of groveling and certainly not a garden for all these flowers. And asking me to join him drinking, when I've never joined him before, is not a very effective plan. There have been notes and pleas and promises and anything else he could think of trying make it up for me except apologizing about not trusting my judgment in regards to interacting with our subordinates. If it was only an offense to me, I may have been more likely to forgive, but this involves the division that we are responsible for. Actually, if it only had affected me, I would still be angry. He does not like the person I've become and am content with.

Kyouraku-Taicho even recruited Rangiku to get me to open up. She tried to get me to go shopping with her, but I will not be swayed. This wound is too deep for a simple bandage to cover. Every time I think about this whole thing, I flare up in anger, but I'm getting tired of being angry. Then I think about forgiveness and remember how it's still a poor option. It would almost imply that he was right in not trusting me to handle myself. At this point, I'm starting to feel that way. I don't know who I'm looking at when I peer into a mirror anymore. The burden of these emotions is eating away at everything. After the anger subsides, I only feel depressed. Not like I'll let anyone see any of those emotions anymore. They aren't wanted.

I should stop writing in my journal. It is an acknowledgement that I have emotions and writing only facilitates the existence of these useless feelings. I'm locking everything away. No more tears or heart wrenching pain at the rejection of my character. No more anger and frustration. There will be nothing left in which to find fault. My duties will be carried out flawlessly. It's not like those eyes in the mirror have any of those anymore. They only seem empty now.

* * *

A/N: I want to cry now. So, something I realized about moving to my own apartment is that I'm alone. But every time I read a review, it makes me smile and feel a little less lonely. I need them to get out of Nanao's depressing feelings right now. Shunsui messed up, now Nanao is feeling it. I'm feeling it too...

I'm going to write some Skip Beat, maybe I'll feel better.


	197. punxsutawney

I don't understand it. After more than a decade of self-imposed emotional shutdown, today I felt as if I crumbled. I reached my quarters right after leaving the office and as soon as I shut my door, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt so empty. I was overwhelmed by despair. Maybe the calm and collected front I've put up all these years was just an empty eggshell that I tried to protect myself with.

But eggs don't just collapse. There must have been something that triggered this sudden bust of emotion after all these years. Kyouraku-Taicho came in after lunch to sign some papers. I noticed something different. He's tried to be light and humorous with me, knowing that all of my actions have had little behind them besides routine. Yet today, I looked into his eyes by accident. And he couldn't hide the sadness when he looked at me.

Why? Why is he so sad? Why am I so torn up about it? I must have sobbed in my entryway for hours before I could collect myself to do anything. I tried seeking Saimitsu out. He hasn't been talking with me much in the past decade. He's upset that I'm cutting off such a large portion of myself. I tried arguing that this part if me is fragile and vulnerable. Even though my inner world has been overrun by snow and ice, Saimitsu is just as able to hide from me as ever. Though now it isn't a playful game between us. At least he made himself easier to find. He was sitting in a snowdrift at the base of my sakura tree. He looked so cold sitting there looking up at me.

"You can't handle this any longer. We can't handle this anymore. We're falling apart."

He's right. I can't continue being this stiff automaton anymore. What's the point of having a shell of protection when you don't have anything to protect?

* * *

A/N: I am so very sorry for the very long hiatus. I wrote myself into a rut. Then when I figured out how to get out, my computer died. And I just got my new laptop yesterday! So I'm going to restart small. since Nanao isn't into the emotions full swing yet. We'll get her there.


	198. maybe

I tried letting a little emotion back into my life today. I tried anger. I determined it would be better to channel my frustration at myself and others into a more active emotion than a self-destructive one like sadness. Sadness is too draining.

So I let myself hit Kyouraku-Taicho with my book with a bit more force than usual. It actually felt good to let lose, even if it was a minute amount. I think Taicho noticed too since his eyes weren't so sad and a little amused. I won't ever admit this to him, but I think I actually had fun doing that.

Maybe I can start enjoying myself again.

Oh, maybe I'll come up with a new reprimand for when he comes into the office late tomorrow.

Maybe I can start forgiving him too. That might be asking too much too soon.

* * *

A/N: woah, another update so soon, even as short as it is.


	199. popsicle boy

I smiled today. I don't even remember the last time I smiled genuinely. My muscles apparently remember the action well, but initially, it felt strange. It was as if I found one of my favorite books I misplaced years ago.

It was about something silly too. Ran and I went out to lunch this afternoon. Rather, she dragged me out to lunch. I must give her credit: after all of this time of me being a cold automaton, she still makes the effort to spend time with me. She must feel as though it's her duty as my friend to keep me informed of the rampant gossip in Seireitei.

And her gossip is how I ended up smiling today. I never put much merit into what Ran hears second or fifth-hand. Yet when she notices something first hand, I always take interest. Ran has always been a keen observer of interpersonal relations, though her personality… and other traits, tend to distract others from noticing that about her.

Over the years, she's grown an interesting attachment to Hitsugaya Toushiro, much to his chagrin. I wonder if she feels any sort of responsibility for him, since she was the one to find him in Rukongai. Either way, everything he does is under the close watch of my over-affectionate friend. Especially when he shows an interest in a girl, since Ran loves that sort of gossip.

Apparently Ran's "cute little popsicle boy has a huge crush on Hinamori-chan." It was "so obvious how he was trying to hide his blush after Hinamori-chan hugged him."

I could only imagine if said "popsicle boy" overheard anyone calling him that, especially Ran. First, he'd get all flustered at the comment and then go about making the offender a popsicle themselves. I'm certain that would send Ran running for the safety of the 8th.

And that's what got me to smile. Ran must have noticed, since her smile got wider too. I'm glad she didn't point it out though, but just continued with her gossip update.

It felt good to smile again. Hopefully I'll smile again soon. I could arrange that by casually mentioning to Hitsugaya-san what his busty shadow called him while she's there. The aftermath is bound to be amusing.

Maybe I'll drop off some paperwork at the 10th's offices tomorrow...

* * *

A/N: I understand if you hate me...


	200. hatred

I want to wish that Kyouraku-Taicho had the ability to stay away from the office when he's drunk. But I know that wish will never be granted, so I'll save my wishes for something more practical. Like if he does get drunk, to at least stay off my desk. Even that would be nice.

It doesn't matter too much, anyways. Taicho will do what he wants.

I guess I've pushed him away too harshly and for too long. How else could I explain his behavior this morning?

I came into the office to find Taicho laying on his side on my desk still in a stupor from the night before. The strong smell of sake permeated into the office. That reminds me, I need to air out the office, again. Ignoring the stench, I firmly addressed the floral pink lump on my workspace.

"Kyouraku-Taicho, what are you doing on my desk?" His eyes blinked a few times before looking up at me.

"Waiting for my Nanao-chan."

"I'm not your anything. Now get off my desk."

"But I wanted to see Nanao-chan."

"Well I'm here now. Can I have my desk back?" Irritation leaked into my voice.

"…No" He pouted like a petulant child.

"Fine, I'll use your desk." I turned to go towards his desk but my progress was stopped by a large arm pulling me onto my own.

"Taicho! What are you doing?" Even when he's out of it, he still has the strength to pull me to sit in front of his chest.

"Changed my mind, you can have it."

"Let me go!"

"No. Can't."

"And why not?" I tried pulling his arm from around my stomach. He was silent long enough where I thought he went back to sleep.

"...I'll lose Nanao-chan if I do." Even though he was considerably inebriated, he still sounded serious.

"I come to the office every day without you doing something so ridiculous as this, so what makes you think such a thing?"

"…'Cause…" Another long pause. "I need to convince Nanao-chan not to hate me anymore." I paused in shock of such an assessment.

"I don't hate you, Taicho." I manged to stay calm and report that fact calmly.

"Her eyes don't laugh with mine anymore. They're so cold... Nanao-chan hates me…" His arm tightened around me.

I had to fight to keep my gaze towards the door and not drift towards him. I fear what emotions I might see if I look at his face after such a confession. But that didn't change how hearing him sound so convinced made my heart ache. There is no way I could hate him. Just the opposite is true. As much as I tried shutting it out and cutting it out, I'm still in love with my soul mate. But why is he so concerned that I hate him? Why does that matter to him anyways? I'm just another woman to him. Still, I had to reassure him of something positive, or else the office might become intolerably uncomfortable.

"I can't hate you, Taicho." I lightly held onto the hand connected to the arm restraining me.

"…Really?" Disbelief and hope blended together in his voice.

"Why would I lie to you about that?"

"Nanao-chan asks so many questions. She's always asked a lot of questions."

"How about I ask another? Why don't I bring you back to your quarters so I can have my desk back?"

"Nahhhh, Nanao-chan's desk is more fun." I glanced over at his face for the first time and a smirk graced his features.

"Wrong answer, Taicho." His grip loosened on me, which I was able to use against and drag him up off my desk with his arm around my shoulders. Halfway back to his rooms, a thought crossed my mind. "And with all the times I dragged you back to your quarters, you still think I hate you? I would have left you to fend for yourself if I didn't care."

"Hehehe, Nanao-chan doesn't hate me. That must mean she likes me."

"Don't push things, sir." I emphasized our professional standing. Though the attempt to keep things from becoming personal was lost on him. I should know that by now, but it won't keep me from trying.

"Nanao-chan likes me!" We arrived at his door none too soon.

"Fine. You can get yourself inside and into bed. I'm getting to work." I shunpoed off before he could extrapolate any further and saying I love him. I wouldn't want the idea to stick in his head and give him something truly embarrassing for him to tease me about.

I didn't need to worry too much. When Taicho returned to the office just before dinner, it appeared as though he had no recollection of his early morning visit, much less our conversation. My more emotional portion of myself is slightly saddened that he doesn't remember. I needed to quietly remind myself if he did remember he would start accusing me of having feelings for him and I don't know how long I can outright lie to him. And he might start believing that he's allowed to grab me around the waist unreservedly. He has another thing coming if he starts that erring belief. Like my dependable fan.

Still, it doesn't mean that his concerns were imaginary. I guess my distance really is hurting him.

Maybe it's time to stop pushing him away so fiercely.

* * *

A/N: Noooo Nanao! If you give an inch Shunsui'll take more than a mile! Oh and hooray for 200 chapters! Oh, that means I average at 100 chapters per year - whew! And happy 2nd anniversary (albeit a week late)!


	201. sloshed

I believe Yachiru-chan is due a large basket of candies as a thank-you from me. She typically doesn't come around the 8th, but when she does, it tends to be memorable. Apparently, Yachiro-chan somehow got the idea that Taicho likes to be sloshed with sake, as opposed to saturated with the beverage. If I were into gambling, I would wager that Rangiku either told her Kyouraku-Taicho likes drinking while inebriated herself or purposefully emphasized the misunderstanding.

Kenpachi-Taicho had shooed Yachiru-chan out of the office for the afternoon, most likely to take a nap in peace for once. Her wandering brought her to my office, where she demanded to be entertained. I informed her that my own captain would arrive shortly and he would be glad to entertain her. That's when she remembered that Taicho enjoyed sake. She wanted to return Taicho's gift of a bag of her favorite candy. If I remember correctly, he gave it to her so he could suffer his hangover alone. I don't blame him for requesting solitude after how much he drank that night.

After confirming her information on Taicho's preferences with me, Yachiru-chan asked for some sake. I knew she wouldn't end up drinking it, since it was hardly sweet like candy. I felt that telling her wouldn't be an issue. Of course Taicho keeps some in his desk. I told her to look there.

Yachiro-chan took out several bottles and made a brief disappearance, to the kitchens, I believe, since she came back with a large bucket. I had forgotten my paperwork as I curiously watched her fill the bucket with the sake. Then she jury-rigged some contraption by the office door so that when opened, the buckets would spill their contents on the unsuspecting visitor. Then she sat herself quietly in front of my desk facing the door, waiting for Kyouraku-Taicho.

I searched for his reiatsu. Sensing him far off, I went back to my paperwork. It was strange how still Yachiru-chan was able to sit. She hardly stops moving. Though, I would think she would like the see the results of her work. Or maybe it was more like a child waiting patiently for a show or story that's about to begin.

After a few more reports, I smirked as I felt Taicho's presence approach. I looked up when the door slid open. Sake spilled down Taicho and onto the floor. Yachiro sprang from her place on the floor.

"Pink-Haori-Taicho! Thank you for the candy you gave me! I heard you like being sloshed!" She could hardly contain her energy.

Taicho wiped his face before blinking a few times. He glanced over at me. I tried to look as innocent as possible. I didn't actually do anything. He adopted a patient and calm tone.

"You're welcome, Yachiru-chan. And thank you for all the sake, but you know, I prefer drinking it than wearing it." I noticed it was taking a bit of effort on his part to hide how the sake irritated his skin.

"Really? But I thought you liked being sloshed…" I tried to mind my own business by returning to my current report. The misunderstanding was rather amusing.

"Yachiru-chan, if you ever want to give me sake, I'll take it in the bottle. I'll take care of the sloshing part, ok?"

"Kayyyyyy!" And with a pink blur out the window, she was gone. Taicho looked out the window after her. He shook his head with a smile before turning to me. He started to open his mouth, but I cut him off.

"I had nothing to do with it Taicho. She was looking for some entertainment and I merely informed her of your imminent arrival. The rest was her."

"You did nothing to stop her, Nanao-chan." His mock accusation did little to hide his own amusement.

"I'm busy doing your paperwork, now if you either help or leave me be so I can get it done sooner. But I would suggest that you change your clothes though, sir. It's a little early in the day to be reeking of alcohol." Taicho grinned.

"It's never too early. Yet as always, you're right. I would like to change. But I'll be back, Nanao-chan."

"I'll be here." Taicho turned around and started to turn the corner but slipped instead. Fortunately, he caught himself, but I couldn't catch the giggle I let slip. He leaned back and peered around the doorway. His eyes were warm and his smile soft.

"I heard that, my lovely Nanao-chan… It's nice to hear it again." I tried glaring at him, but my heart wasn't in it. So I tried to cover myself.

"Go get changed, Taicho! And don't call me that!" Taicho was gone by then. I knew he didn't buy the attempt at harshness since he was gladly humming down the hall. Throwing something probably would have been better.

I involuntarily smiled. It's been awhile since I've heard him hum. I've grown up with him humming all around the 8th. It's part of what makes it feel like home.

I wonder what makes the 8th feel like home to him. He certainly makes the 8th feel like home to me.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for not hating me and for all the kind words and the patience. I know I'm horrible at updating.


	202. mirror

I was ensnared by my reflection today.

I've been in a strange sort of limbo since I returned from my emotional exile a couple years ago. I've been living pretty much day to day and haven't sorted through any of the moods I've experienced since then.

The significance of that oversight caught up to me when I caught the reflection of my own eyes. When I did, a haunting question begged to be answered: Whose eyes are those staring back at me?

I realized that I don't know who I am anymore. I haven't acknowledged many feelings in the past few years and that was after a decade of being an emotional void. While I liked who I was before all of this, I'm not the same and I can't be the same way. So I have a new self to come to terms with.

I stared at myself until my feet ached. Only then was I able to drag myself to my journal and let it all spill out in ink.

I noticed how sad my eyes were in my reflection. What is it that makes me look so dejected now? Being stagnant and unable to progress in my abilities. Well that's more frustration than sadness. It seemed more like melancholy than professional dissatisfaction. Then I would guess that I have few peers that I'm comfortable with. The few division members that I had developed casual relationships through individual practices were wiped clean from Taicho's jealousy.

His jealousy? Why is he so jealous about other men even hinting at interest when he has done nothing to seriously indicate anything besides a playful game we have? Ahh, that's where the heartache is really from. While Taicho has all but blocked me off from any other man, he has done nothing to substantiate the need to keep me from other men. But I want him to. I'm stuck in this world where I'm not free to find other to fill the loneliness, but the one imposing it won't fill it himself. Well, I actually don't want to pursue anyone else. My heart and soul both came to that same conclusion. I'm miserable because it seems as though this will only be a game to him with nothing on the line for him. I'm just another woman that will pass through his life, while he holds my heart and soul.

Though if he were to reciprocate… these sentiments… it actually terrifies me as much as I long for such a day. I fear that if I give into him, that I can't recover and be unable to function. I would be so overwhelmed by him, by us… And what if he only says those things and feels those things because it's the "right thing to do" when a woman is in love with you? I don't think I could recover from that sort of reality.

Yes, I could. Probably not emotionally, or at least for a long time, but I will still function as an officer. I am a professional. I do my job with excellence regardless of my personal situation. So I will go on, loved or not. I think it's about time that I accept that my very essence refuses to change on this matter. I will not let them inhibit something else that I know defines me: my career.


	203. apology

Inspired by "Apology" by Safetysuit

* * *

I suppose Taicho will always find new ways to surprise me. When the 19th seat came frantically looking for me before I had set a foot into the office, I thought today would go downhill quickly. A hectic start of the day is typically indicative of a day that will continue to be chaotic; at least, that is what I've found in my experience, even though today didn't quite turn out that way.

The emergency I was called to solve was a small mishap with a kido spell from one of our more adventurous youths. Well, now that I think about it, he probably isn't much older than me. While he apparently he doesn't have much natural talent for kido, he does have perseverance and energy.

It was nothing terribly serious; it was rather time and mentally consuming to restore the amateur caster's reiatsu and the surrounding buildings to normal. After a stern reminder about safe practice habits, I gently reminded him that my door is still open to individual kido lessons. His receptive manner was relieving. I honestly think that is this first time I've preemptively offered lessons in a long time and it felt good that it appeared welcome.

I was finally able to make my way to my office well past lunch time. I expected a desk full of paperwork, since that was how I had left it before the weekend. I hardly expected Taicho to be leaning against the side of a very empty desk. When I was finally able to tear my eyes away from my desktop, my gaze gravitated to the typically troublesome man. Along with dark circles under his eyes, he wore an expression I've only seen on his face once before: remorse.

It was strange how his mouth opened and it was a few seconds for him to say anything. Usually he's so confident about what he says. Even the things he doubts, he states them clearly. He shifted to stand without the support of the desk, but even then his weight subtly shifted. This hesitancy from him was unnerving.

"I'm sorry, Nanao-chan. I'm sorry for how I reacted after you came back. I shouldn't have said a number of things that I did. Had I thought through how they would have affected you, I would have never considered saying such things. But it doesn't change that I did, and that I regret saying them."

He kept glancing at the floor and adjusting his hands at his sides. He struggled unconsciously to not to resemble an embarrassed school boy admitting his misbehavior to his teacher.

"I miss how Nanao-chan used to be, after she came back from her mission. And I hate that I'm the one that drove her away in the first place, that was all my fault." his eyes finally swung back to meet my own. "I want to be around for those rare smiles of yours, but if you still want me out of your hair, I'll leave you be. I'll do anything you ask me to, Nanao-chan." His voice ended in a whisper.

I hardly had a grip on any sort of emotion at the time, though I'm rather certain I was confused to why he would care about my smiles in the first place. There was too much to comprehend at once. I released my breath.

"Though, I want you to know, that I want you here for more than just your administrative skills."

We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes. What is the appropriate response to that sort of apology, one that has him begging favor and contained sincere compliments? But I couldn't keep him waiting too long. I couldn't hold against his eyes longing for a response of any kind. I suppose that a cold shut out is worse than even hatred in his eyes.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He apologized and I can't keep up this manner I've been using. But even though I've forgiven him, it's certainly something that I can't forget any time soon. I let my eyes find his.

"I accept your apology, Taicho. As much as I want this to be past us, it's hard for me to forget. " It was painful seeing the dawning hope in his eyes dim in such a short span. "But… there is no reason for you to keep yourself from the 8th…" Or from me. I've come to terms that his soul doesn't recognize my own and as a flirtatious man, won't take much more than a passing glance at me.

His eyes searched my face for any more information. I couldn't stand him being tense. Usually he's the one for levity. I guess things don't seem right if he's the one that's too serious.

I glanced back at my desk finding a plan.

"I was going to get the morning's work done, but it seems as though I have a week off instead. I guess lunch is next on the docket."

I turned and started walking back out, but failed to hear his footsteps following me. I looked over my shoulder and saw him standing still planted next to my desk.

"Did you eat already? You always harp on me about eating and keeping myself healthy." I felt a hint of a smile twitch at the corner of my lips. His face split into a relieved grin. I wonder if he was holding his breath too.

"Of course not, Nanao-chan, I was too busy trying to get all of those reports done before you settled that issue with Kunio-san. He did such a good job keeping you occupied. I'll have to take him out sometime."

"Excuse me?" I distinctly heard the icy tones in my voice. Taicho clearly heard them too since he adopted a sheepish expression and scratched the back of his neck. He attempted to cover himself while suffering under my glare.

"I might have suggested to him that you'd be impressed if he could demonstrate that spell perfectly to you. Though I may have forgotten to mention that it's rather tricky for a mid-level bakudo spell and can be a hassle if not executed beautifully. Like you would Nanao-chan."

I gave him a token glare, but I turned to hide my inevitable smile. I walked faster to my favorite noodle shop.

I shouldn't support such imperceptibly manipulative behavior, especially from my captain, but it's just so like him to do this sort of thing. He really does keep me on my toes. I know Kunio-san has been, we'll say mildly interested, in me for some time. For Taicho to use that attraction that he was so opposed to in the first place to his own advantage to regain my favor was a crafty maneuver. He also suggested a spell that would gain him time to keep me out of the office to finish up what must have been the remainder of reports that he started over the weekend. Plus his actions and words were finally sincere. I believe that he's sorry for what he's done and he did a considerable amount of paperwork to support his efforts.

I always knew when Taicho puts his mind to something, he can be rather adept at it, no matter what it was. I must stay on my toes with him around. Though, I just wish it took a shorter period of time to get him to do just a week's worth of work.

Don't push too much Nanao, you're lucky you even got a week out of him. And he was nice and paid for lunch. He didn't need to, I liked catching up with him. I'm glad I had the excuse of a book to escape from his presence. I haven't been around him as much as I used to, and I had forgotten how subtly overwhelming he can be. I find it hard to not be aware of his presence. It's something I'll need to keep in mind until I accustom myself again. I have a feeling Taicho isn't going to stay away from the office as much as he used to now. And I find that I don't mind that much.


	204. trust

I'm glad Taicho always tries to shake things up. It started like any other day. I had my morning cup of coffee, took a deep breath, and picked up my brush to start the day's paperwork. It took me a few seconds to realize that my brush wasn't making dark lines upon the paper since it was no longer in my hand. I looked up to see my brush resting idly in Taicho's fingers. Despite the neutrality on his face, his eyes laughed. He was able to sneak up on me for once.

"No paperwork for you today, Nanao-chan." This certainly was a new approach for him.

"Sir?" How I've missed how his eyes dance. They always do that when he has something new planned.

"I've got something else for us today. Don't worry, it's related to work so you don't have to roll your eyes at me, Nanao-chan." It's scary how well he knows my responses.

Taicho gently placed the brush on the table, took my hand and led me out the office door. When I considered that someone could witness my captain tugging me along by the hand, I quickly shook from the surprisingly gentle hold of his strong hands. I only like the frightened rumors about my glasses floating around. I don't want the gossip mills to have any fodder on my personal life. There is a reason why it's called personal. Honestly, the things I hear at lunch time…

I was brought out of my thoughts when I realized we were going to the gate to the real world.

"Sir?" I asked again.

"Ah, we're going on a little mission together. It's been quite some time since we last did that, and I thought a trip out was overdue."

I nodded at his explanation even though he wouldn't see my response since I was half a step behind. I didn't know the best way to respond to his tone; it was both casual and serious. This seemed important to him, but I wasn't sure if anything was overtly wrong between us. We continued onto the gate in silence. When we arrived, the gate attendants activated the Senkaimon and the question finally came to mind:

"Where are we going, anyways, Taicho?"

"Ahhh, we're going to a cute little town in the middle of nowhere. It came upon the seasonal patrol list and looked nice, so I offered that we take it." We walked into the gate.

"Though no guarantees it's as cute as you are though, Nanao-chan." He shot a happy smile over his shoulder as we walked towards the world of the living. It sounded so serious that I almost forgot to look away and snort in protest of the comment. I'm certain that he caught the short pause between his comment and my response. I'm just glad he didn't bring attention to it. I also appreciate how he waited to make any sort of inappropriate comments until we had passed through the gate. Maybe he finally is getting the hint that I don't like all the attention in such public places. I'm sure he has a much better idea after that slip.

Taicho was right, the town was cute. It certainly had a close, tight-knit feel even in the early morning light. The main street was still closed up from the night, but it was hard to miss how loved and well maintained this place was to its residents.

"You coming, Nanao-chan?" The question broke me out of my thoughts and observation of this new environment. Taicho was already halfway down the street waiting for me. I must have paused while pondering the place. I quickly caught up with him and we went along in a slow stroll through town.

The silence wasn't exactly comfortable, but it wasn't unbearably thick with tension. It was obvious that there were a number of things to be said, but going about saying them wasn't so simple. I guess we we're both waiting for some sort of catalyst to trigger a conversation.

Eventually we came across a small child by the town's small hospital. Taicho approached the sickly looking boy. I listened a few paces away as Taicho crouched down to speak with the child.

"Ano… you see me, mister?" The boy's eyes lit up a little at finally having contact with someone.

"Mmmhmm. Do you understand why, little one?" A small smile hinted on Taicho's face.

"Well, I know that I finally passed away, so does that make you a…" The plus's face contorted into one of contemplation.

"A shinigami, young one. I'm here to send you to the next life in Soul Society." Here his smile grew to a full one.

"What's it like, mister?"

"It's interesting. There are very different places you can go in Soul Society and each has its own flavor. You'll see."

"Will I still be sick?" Concern overtook the boy.

"Probably not, but that doesn't mean that Soul Society if free of sickness." Taicho's smile darkened slightly.

"Really?" The boy really started to worry. Taicho placed his hand on the plus's shoulder.

"Even if you were to be terminally sick, it doesn't mean your life will be as short as this one was. I mean, my best friend has been sick ever since we first met over a thousand years ago." There's that sad smile that always comes from talking seriously of Ukitake Taicho's illness.

"A thousand years?" I nearly smiled myself when I saw the boy's wide eyes filled with amazement.

"Mmhmm, but a bunch of that is his strong will to live. He has a strong sense of pride and I bet him that I'd outlast him, so he's doing his best to win. Don't worry, Soul Society is a big place, you'll find whatever it is you need there." He gave the boy a pat on the shoulder and stood up.

"Ready then?" The boy nodded with determination and a smile. Taicho nodded back and drew his katana and brought the hilt down upon the plus's forehead. After the soul had sunk into the next life, Taicho let out a deep breath. He returned his zanpakuto to its sheath and took a couple paces towards me. When his eyes caught mine while he was still a couple steps away, he stopped and tilted his head slightly.

"What is it that you need, Nanao-chan?" His eyes were filled with so many things but I could only really pick out honest concern and caring. The effect of that look was so powerful whatever it actually was that I nearly blurted out something ridiculous and cliche like "You." Seriously, he's rubbing off on me.

Part of me started panicking. Does he know how I feel about him? How I need him in my life? Why is he asking this? He must have caught the instant of terror I felt. He's too perceptive to miss something like that. I wonder what he'll interpret it as.

That doesn't change that he asked the question. I hesitated for what felt like hours. I was debating what I should tell him. How deep is this question? Is it on the simple and daily end, where I want him to do more paperwork? Or is it on the depths of the strange relationship that we have and maybe the even stranger truth and emotions I hold? He couldn't possibly know about that like I do, could he?

I decided that I should go somewhere in between since he had shown a considerable amount of concern, but I wouldn't dare broach something beyond the office without him directly bringing it up. So I would settle with what I need from him professionally, but still very much applicable to our life beyond the office. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them, I watched him as he watched me.

"I need you to trust me. I need you to trust my abilities and my judgment. I know I am nowhere near your strength, but I can handle myself. I'm not a little girl anymore that always needs protecting. I need to get roughed up every once in a while so I can get stronger so you don't have to worry as much. And if you're really worried about too much unsolicited male attention, all I need to do is adjust my glasses and they go stiff in fear. You're the one that promoted me in the first place, and I know you wouldn't have done such a thing if you didn't think I could do it. So trust in your decision too... So, will you trust me? So I can get back to trusting you?"

When I finally refocused on his face again, it was full of another myriad of emotions. But this time happiness, remorse and hope played across his features. Why were his expressions so difficult to read today? I'm glad his words were clear though.

"Of course, Nanao-chan. Whatever you ask from me." I couldn't keep my breath from slightly catching after that statement. If he hadn't spoken so earnestly, I would have hit him for not being so. And now that he is… I asked myself again: does he know? What does he mean by that? Does he know what sort of implications it has? My heart was racing but I regained a straight face. I turned and continued down the street like we had before.

"We should keep going, Taicho." I didn't stop to look, I was afraid I would ask for his heart and soul, for everything, if I let myself speak anymore or look into his eyes again. The rest of the patrol was silent and uneventful, though the silence was lighter this time, yet still just as full. There are many other things to discuss, but right now rebuilding our trust in each other is a good place to start.

When we returned, Taicho said one thing before he went off to the 13th for the day.

"Thank you, Nanao-chan." I stood there staring at the spot he just was an instant ago. Is my trust in him so important to him that he thanks me? Everytime I think I understand his behavior, he does something like this. Yes, trust my captain to keep me on my toes.

As I returned to my typical office work, there was a thought that kept nagging at me.

If I am honest with myself, I really do need more than just trust from him.

* * *

A/N: I know, two months. Good news is: I re-read my story, so I feel like I'm back in it and I'm caught up with the anime (in case something relating to either of these fine shinigami came up, though unfortunately nothing significant, and Nanao is getting swept over again so far). But I'm feeling good about where I have this going - more sorting and filling out of the outline, but I'm excited for it. I'll shoot for another post in August!


	205. falling into you

"Falling Into You" by Mae

* * *

Taicho and I have settled in a comfortable routine in our office life. On the last day of every month, Taicho would somehow get himself into the office before me. The first time he did that I thought I was either dreaming or had passed into some strange alternate reality the 12th developed. With the strange stories I've been hearing, I wouldn't put this unusual behavior from Taicho beyond the side effects of their research.

Years ago, I had reacted a tad too overzealously to Taicho touching my shoulder. So we decided to add that porch he joked about decades ago since I already started remodeling. He enjoyed it every once in a while, but he still preferred the roof for afternoon naps in the sun. But it served as a good place to unwind, rain or shine.

After our last mission to the Living World, he's made a habit of being on the porch on the last morning of the month. He would always have tea ready for the both of us. The first time he did this, I sensed his presence when I first arrived at the office and went to investigate. I found him relaxing on the porch. He turned his head to look back at me and smiled. Then he nodded to the tea that he clearly made for two. I hesitated a moment to quickly wonder if there was any reason or trigger to this event, but nothing came to mind. So I took my seat with the tea between us and took the cup set out for me. Ever since then, this has been our little tradition.

Neither of us would speak when I sit down and took my own tea. We both savor it in silence. It's a pleasant ritual I've come to look forward to every month. I don't know if he knows this, but I feel more relaxed after sitting by our simple garden we have or watch clouds drift by in the morning light. Maybe it's a way that he can get me to work less without him begging or me protesting for once.

Typically he would do the same as I would and simply absorb nature, which he does constantly anyways. Sometimes I can feel him glance over me, but anytime I try to check out of the corner of my eye, he's watching something else.

Today was different. It was steadily raining outside while we sat under the awning of the porch. These days are my favorite. The world seems to take a moment and drink in the quiet patter of the rain. Everything smells fresh.

It also means Taicho will nap in the office today, but I'll never say such a thing.

After a while, Taicho turned slightly and watched while I drank my tea. His tea sat forgotten on the tray. I still enjoyed my tea as usual but I was rather conscious of him observing me. When I couldn't ignore the weight of gaze any longer, I decided to see why he was so intent on me today. There were a few moments when we just peered into each other's eyes. Then his eyes searched mine for something. What was he looking for? I let my eyes ask the question for me. I didn't dare break the silence of our ritual. I enjoy it too much.

I don't know what to call what I had witnessed, but it was more intense and penetrating than the moment before. Part of it was the small smile, but his eyes were a mystery. My pulse quickened and my breathing caught. I hastily returned to my tea in some sort of embarrassment. I finished my tea a bit faster than usual and retreated to my desk. Taicho always remained out there for a while longer before he took the tray back to the kitchens. I let a heavy sigh filled the room when he finally left, but I knew he would return to the office for the day so he can be there to sign anything I need to file for tomorrow. It was difficult to regain composure and stop my skin from tingling before he reappeared in the office.

I don't have any comprehension as to why I felt that way in that moment. I've been turning the whole event over in my head all day and it hasn't made any more sense. It wasn't like anything to be embarrassed about happened then. I knew that at the time and it still perplexes me. I'm not even certain what I saw in his eyes. Yet just recalling the expression makes my skin warm and my chest tight.

It really is moments like these between us that make it so difficult to stay away. It's like I'm falling for him all over again. If he only knew that it's these quiet moments that are my weakness, I probably would have melted into his arms ages ago. At this rate, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep the truth from him. Though I'm so afraid of changing what there is currently between us. It's comfortable and safe.

* * *

A/N: Haha surprise! Quick turnover! I love this song. It's what I think my ideal relationship would feel like. Though I think of it differently than how I used it here. So "Falling Into You" might make a reprise later on. But yeah, I listened to this today and it totally fit into TBOIN. Hope you liked it!


	206. saketsu

Rangiku and I need to get drunk together more often. Rather, I need to just get a little tipsy while she indulges more often. She finally let slip about what's between Ichimaru Gin and her. I knew they had history together but nothing beyond that. I had asked about the new necklace she now wore constantly and where she got it from. I had no idea of the floodgates I let open.

It turns out that she and Ichimaru were childhood friends in one of the Rukon districts. Rangiku was attacked and she thinks he always blamed himself for not protecting her. She couldn't think of any other reason he would leave so soon after to become a shinigami. So she became stronger so she could find him again. Ichimaru had been the only person that had cared for her. Rangiku obviously loves him, but it tears her up how distant he is and how he left her in the first place. She's convinced that he returns the sentiment, he just has a funny way of showing how he cares. And that's how the necklace comes in.

"Nanao, I'll never forget what he told me when he gave this to me." I'm surprised she didn't fall over as she leaned back and pulled out the long chain from her feminine assets.

"'I might as well give this to you.' I gave him a weird look to ask him why. He's always full of riddles and mysteries. 'You already have what's on the other end."

"'And what is that, Gin?" I asked him 'cause that wasn't something I was going to guess. He still had that teasing grin on his face.

"'You already know, Rangiku.' And before I could do anything, he kissed me sooo sweetly! And then left me standing there alone... I never could really pin down his emotions well, but this is the first time he did somethin' like that. And I felt so cold after he left. Nanao, I'm so tired of chasing after him. But now it's better 'cause I finally had hope that he might feel the same way." She poured herself another cup of sake as she reflected on those memories again.

A bit of me burned in quiet jealousy. I knew I shouldn't feel that way, but I couldn't help but covet how her feelings were possibly reciprocated in her relationship. Granted, her relationship is unconventional and causes her loneliness on many occasions, which is why I shouldn't be jealous. Well, my relationship with my Taicho isn't any more normal and if I let myself be honest, I suffer plenty of loneliness, too. I think it must be that he acknowledges her as something special in his life is what I am feeling jealous over.

That's when I accidentally slipped that I wished that the kiss from Taicho had meant some sort of hope for me. Rangiku was all over me in her inebriated excitement. I never told her about the innocent snowball fight that had turned into something… more. And it was clear that she would not let me rest until I had divulged the whole story to her. All of the blushing was from the sake I had already consumed catching up with me. It was highly unlikely that I could have been blushing from those silly memories I keep locked firmly away. Or at least, I will never admit what that memory still does to my composure. After I finished my account, Ran looked all smug that her gift of Taicho's gloves led to that string of events. I wanted to retort, but her conclusion was true.

"N'nao, are you sure he doesn't feel the same way? I bet he was risking a lot taking that leap. Aaannnnd, I bet he wouldn't try to do such a thing if it didn't mean anything to him." Her drunken hand pressed my arm as though it would press her point further.

I tried to protest, but she abruptly changed the subject, which I gratefully allowed. I've already considered those circumstances and find them improbable. I didn't want to go through the depressing argument again when I want to enjoy myself for once.

"Well, either way, it still doesn't change the fact that we are lovesick women with better things to do than pine over silly men. Like drink more and then go shopping when we sober up in the morning!" .

I allowed myself to let myself chuckle and flow with the rest of the evening. We eventually got up the next day and went over to the 10th district in Rukongai to shop ourselves into distraction. But in the end, our diversions didn't work all that well since I purchased a tea set that reminded me of my Taicho. He would enjoy the soft sakura blossoms cascading down the side of each cup and the matching pot. Even sipping out of the cups reminds me of the quiet mornings we share monthly. I do have better things to do, but Rangiku was right. I'm terribly lovesick and can't cure myself and get these persistent thoughts out of my head.

* * *

A/N: Hooray girl talk! I'm a bit on a roll - it helps that I'm listening to their playlist and that I finally updated my outline.


	207. slip under the radar

Ice is currently in a state of contempt with me. I had gone to 10th for lunch with Rangiku and some of the other SWA members met us there as well. Getting there was fine. But as the sun melted some of the less kempt paths, I found myself of some slippery ground. I would have caught myself if there wasn't a stone protruding from the melting ice. And it wasn't as though shunpoing would have helped with such awkward footing. I stuck out my hand and braced for impact.

A part of me was cursing at my oversight of the hazard. If I could have, I would have glared at myself. It's embarrassing that I was so immersed in impractical thoughts again that I let something like this pass my notice. I'm still frustrated at it, but regretting my lapse in observation didn't change the fact that my right ankle was throbbing and my left wrist was in pain.

Then I had the _simply_ _wonderful_ pleasure of having Taicho in the office when I returned. I felt his reiatsu far enough off so I could correct my pace and hopefully allay any suspicions he could generate. I hate worrying him about something so insignificant. But my efforts and hope were in vain. I couldn't completely mask the limp in my gait. Even though he always seems to be napping when I enter the office, Taicho's reaction belied his appearance.

"My lovely Nanao-chan, why are you limping?" At this he sat up on the couch and tilted his sakkat back to see me properly. I was clenching my jaw against the pain but had to release it to assuage his concern so I could resume working. I still had a significant amount to accomplish if I wanted to take a day off in the next week like I had been planning. I stopped without turning towards him to reply.

"It's nothing, sir. Don't worry yourself about it." I continued towards my desk.

"Yare, yare, Nanao-chan I can't have you walking like that. It'll get worse." Before I could react, Taicho had picked me up from behind my knees and back and went to deposit me on the couch. I instinctively pushed against his shoulder to release me and hissed in pain. He shared a meaningful look at me as he finally put me down on the couch.

"What am I going to do with you, Nanao-chan? 'Nothing,' indeed." He gently held my foot and gently probed my ankle, then took a look at my wrist. "Ah, while it doesn't look too bad, I'd feel better if someone at the 4th checked on you. I'm sure you'd feel better, too."

"Fine, Taicho. I'll be on my way then." I went to get up. I winced as I attempted to put weight on my wrist and foot.

"Not like that you won't, lovely one. I was planning on checking on Ukitake anyways, he wasn't feeling so grand today. So I'll just take you there." His smile was kind.

"Taicho, I'll be fine without assistance. Please don't bother yourself." I really didn't want to be paraded across Seireitei in his arms. I don't like rumors popping up from this. And I didn't want to have the physical contact to trigger any... emotional side effects. Having him in such close proximity is... intoxicating. And I prefer to stay sober in that manner.

"Of course it's no bother. Plus I need to make sure that my Nanao-chan gets fixed up! Well, up you go then!" And I found myself once again in his arms and on our way to the 4th.

"Taicho!" I was mortified when we entered into the 4th, with me still in his arms. Then he just had to make a scene.

"Unohana-sempai! I need you to fix my adorable little fukutaicho!" I covered my face in my hands. Why do I put up with such an insufferable superior? Well I have all sorts of reasons, but being put on display for another division is not one of them. I only mildly tolerate it in the 8th because they have a better understanding of Taicho.

"Kyouraku-Taicho, please lower your voice. Unohana-Taicho is busy for the moment. I can take care of things for now." A voice called from the ward near the front entrance. A newly familiar face walked around the corner to greet us.

"Ah thank you, ahhhh…" Taicho paused seeing if he recalled her name from anywhere. I'm sure he hadn't met the 4th's 5th seat. So I introduced them.

"Taicho, this is Isane Kotetsu, the 5th seat here. She joined the Shinigami Women's Association recently. Now, Kotetsu-san, could you please direct Kyouraku-Taicho," I turned to glare directly at him, not failing to notice how close his own face was from my own while I was still in his arms. "…where he can place me and desist in this inappropriate behavior!" My voice inadvertently rose with my irritation.

"Nanao-chan, you should be quiet in the 4th. Unohana-san wouldn't appreciate it." Hypocrite! Irritation burned into anger. I very much wished I had a large ledger with me at the moment. Taicho's face needed a new friend and quickly at that. I just gave him the best glare I could and held my tongue instead. Taicho may be teasing, but he's right that Unohana-Taicho would not tolerate that behavior in her ward. I didn't want to test her patience either. I've never experienced her anger myself, but the way Taicho has referenced it before, I never want to.

"Ise-fukutaicho, I just saw you, what happened?" I quickly explained while Taicho distracted himself with other patients in the ward since he didn't see Ukitake-Taicho.

While Kotetsu-san patched me up, I noticed two white haoris moving towards the main entrance. I recognized them as Unohana-Taicho and Ukitake-Taicho. The latter was looking well, actually, he looked a little flushed. I was more than curious, since he usually is pale when he's feeling under the weather. And I swore he looked nervous. Why on Earth would he be nervous and still laughing and smiling like that? I looked over to Unohana-Taicho's smile. It was bright. Then a memory hit me. Well, a memory of a memory.

Ayame had mentioned how Ukitake showed signs of a crush with a certain young woman in the 4th division. A woman with dark hair and blue eyes flustered him all those years ago. It must have been Unohana-Taicho. Shunsui tried to get them together a few times from what I read later on, but was never successful. Ukitake-Taicho still had romantic emotions for her then. I inwardly smiled at this revelation.

Ukitake-Taicho gave a final nod before he left her side. Unohana-Taicho stood there for a moment or two before she turned around. That smile was there for a few more seconds before she took a deep breath and her normal gentle smile took its place. Could that reaction mean that she might reciprocate those emotions?

I didn't get to dwell on it since Unohana-Taicho started towards me. Since I didn't want Taicho meddling with her assessment and treatment, I called over to him.

"Taicho? Ukitake-Taicho just left." He looked up from some flowers over by another patient's bed who currently wasn't there.

"Oh, he did? Thanks Nanao-chan~!" He hurried out. "Oh hi, Unohana-san! Bye Unohana-san!" I shook my head at his antics.

"Well now, Nanao-Fukutaicho, I see Isane-san already took care of you. Thank you Isane-san, Kyouraku-Taicho tends to get boisterous when someone in his care isn't getting treatment." She did her own examination before she let me return to my duties. "Isane-san did a good job, so you should be fine in a day or so, Nanao-Fukutaicho. Just try to keep off it as much as possible. And I would like you to return in a few days, just to make sure."

I gave her a polite nod before I made my way back to the 8th for the remainder of the day. I made it back to my own quarters without a problem, since the bit of treatment and binding helped. It still felt stiff but much better than before.

I finally was able to get back to reflecting upon that reaction from Unohana-Taicho. That smile wasn't her typical business-polite smile. That was a very genuine smile that was also directly correlated with the presence of Ukitake-Taicho. I wonder if Kyouraku-Taicho is aware of this. Even if he does, I'm sure confirmation from my observations would be welcome.

I'm surprised he hasn't put much effort into getting them together while I've been at the 8th. He could chat with Ukitake-Taicho on the matter during his visits. But this could be a sorely worn out topic between the two of them. Yet, if I mention their reactions to each other to Taicho, it may offer more motivation for stepping up his efforts. And since Taicho can't resist a good love story, it will preoccupy him from pointlessly flirting with me. This would be a much more productive course of action for him, infinitely less stressful for me and hopefully ends well for Ukitake-Taicho and Unohana-Taicho.


End file.
